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[star554]

I've written here before, but I'll quickly summarize what happened. My ex and I broke up about a month ago -- it was just a toxic on and off relationship and he decided that it's time it's off for good. It took us a few days but we decided we didn't want to be bitter, we should take time apart but eventually we will be able to be friendly. In the 2 weeks following our break up we had occasional contact. I think whatever I said then still reassured him I loved him -- even though I tried my best to be subtle. As in I wasn't begging him to come back but still I didn't treat him like any old friend. We decided that we'd meet up mid Jan not to get back together but because we are both so important to each other... we can see each other again as friends (I suppose). I was out of the country for the next 2 weeks but we still sent each other one line msgs on facebook every few days. I got better in those two weeks. I saw so much and I was happy even when he wasn't really there. When I came back I was so confused... I knew that if I saw him again, it might set me back a long time, but at the same time, I still loved him and didn't want to give up the opportunity to see him. And I did... I visited him. And honestly? It was just amazing. He was so great with me... it felt like we never broke up. That we are still together. Around his friends, he would shoot compliments my way. Even though we were all supposed to be hanging out, he'd look for opportunities for us to spend time alone. He held my hand, and did so many of those little things that just made me feel so amazing. But at the end of the day, he told me he can't have a relationship right now because he needs to focus on school. When we discussed seeing other people, he said "why would I want to see someone else when I can't even be with the girl I really like?" A part of me believed that once I left his place, it'd be the end. That this was his closure and that after this he wouldn't want anything to do with me. But I was wrong. It's been two days since I left and he still texts me... he still msgs me. He called me last night even.

 

I can't help it, but ever since I got back from his place, I just feel sad. And to be honest, I don't know why. He's being so nice and I finally at a good place with his friends. I've kept my emotions in check when it comes to showing him my feelings. Before, I was impatient and would message several times until I received a response - now I'm trying to be different and so far, I've done a good job. So why am I so upset? I know I miss him more than ever now (but it's not like he has disappeared from my life or anything). More than that, maybe it's the distance. It finally hit me that he lives 120 km away and we can't just leave it to chance -- if I want to see him, we need to make time for each other. Between school, I just don't know when I'll see him again. It's just not the same as being together... what should I do?

[sharky988]

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through!

 

Right now you're experiencing the pain of contact. This is why people say to go NC, because it hurts so much to maintain that kind of closeness and be always wanting more. It's like they keep breaking up with you, over and over.

 

It's really simple:

 

Contact = suffering

No Contact = healing

 

You're also giving your ex emotional support while he weans himself off you and the relationship. He never has to miss you, because you're still there. You're still chasing him and he knows that he can have you any time he wants you.

 

If you were giving advice to your best friend, would you urge her to take a break from contact or tell her just to continue to be in his life as much or as little as he wants?

 

Try and put the focus on YOU and YOUR life. Force yourself not to think of him and focus instead on coming up with some new goals for yourself. I really urge you to cut contact -- at least for a few months -- to give yourself some time to heal and stop the incoming fresh pain of contact.

[star554]

I'm really afraid to take that step. There's nothing bad between us right now. I feel like if I go NC, it'll be me closing the door on him.

[catfeeder]

Sounds as though you may be learning the hard way, as most people do, that breaking clean is actually better and more of an aid in healing than trying to keep a tentacle or two wrapped around an ex.

 

Grab your best kindness and dignity, let him know you adore him and hope someday he'll consider himself available for a relationship, and if he does he can contact you. If you're still available, you can meet to catch up. Meanwhile, you need to stop contact while you still think well of one another, and wish him the best.

 

Hovering in hope is the perfect way to kill off future potential while living in limbo and putting your life into stagnation. That's not helpful in attracting someone back to you, and it's not a healthy way to live.

 

Reach for your future, and start taking baby steps toward making it a good one for yourself. If this guy or anyone else wants to join you there, he'll have no trouble making sure that you're the first one to know it.

 

Head high.