painful parting

[nancy]

Hi, this is my first post to this forum and I am really looking for support from others in a similar situation to me.

I took my boyfriend to the airport this morning and said goodbye for...... we don't know. Worst case scenario is next march, best is 6 weeks. We both work on cruise ships and after meeting and spending a wonderful 4 months together on board a ship the reality of our difficult relationship has hit home with a sharp blow. To top things off is he is American and i am english so the time off between ship contracts is made difficult with 3000 miles. However he has just spent 6 weeks in sunny england with me before having to leave (this morning) to join his ship up in Alaska! The problem with our relationship is it's either full on intense every minute together or a quick 5 minute call from the ships satellite phone with 15 philipinos stood next to you.

Now normally i am a very trusting person, i don't suffer from insane jealousy which can cause major friction in long distance relationships but i found out last week that our last time apart just before he flew to england he slept with someone the night before he got on the plane. We had only been apart 3 weeks and he was seeing me the next day and when i found out (she emailed him.....about 15 times in 3 days, i had to ask some questions and it came out) i was absolutly devastated, it's something i never thought he would do. He told me he was going out for a meal with 'an old friend' and i actually said have fun!! well, i only found this out 2 weeks ago and i didn't want it to end so he stayed here and tried to gloss over what happened although small details are killing me about what happened between them. I don't feel i could ask though because our time together was counting down and i didn't want to ruin it with annalysing it.

Now he's gone and i don't know when i'll see him and it's so hard to trust him after all this although he swears he won't make the same mistake twice. We had 6 fantastic weeks together here in england and 6 months before on a ship. I just feel like i am battling against 2 conflicting emotions, being apart is difficult enough but now i question his faithfulness.

I always work away from home and really only ever come home to unpack and pack again, however this time my next contract isn't till august and i have a long time to sit and dwell, my friends are co workers so where i live at home means i don't have anyone to really talk to about this. I hope you have some much needed support for me, feeling pretty empty and really lonely right now.

[charlotte_skye]

hiya! congrats on being to strong and independent, if it was i who had found out my bf had cheated on me the night before coming to see me well i wouldnt have taken it so well and thought about how i shouldnt let it ruin our time together...you obviously are a very caring person who feels alot for this person!

Ive been in a VERY similar situation, I travelled myself to sunny engladn as u say (hahah yea right!) and lived there for two yrs, I being australian feel in love my first love i might add with a lovely english man.

problem being the most obvious, where was it really going to go????? who was goin to move etc, and the fact we would have to marry!! not only this but he was scared to risk being hurt again and so i wasnt the best person to fall in love with in his case but as love goes you fall in love anyways. Its the same with the problem you have with him being american and you english, right now its all lets just focus on the time we can be together and its all fine, you tend to not oftenly worry about where it actually will end up.

have you two spoke about where the relationship will go, is there some kind of plan no matter how flexible? i know when you love somene you think itll just work out, but will it, i think you need to make sure that this will go somewhere that one of you are willing to move abroad or of the like. if you find there isnt a compromise then i think you should see him kiss him goodbye feel sad but know that your time was special and you let it burn out before it faded! as with his cheating, well i know ppl cheat for all different kinds of reasons and i as one dont believe just cos you cheated means you dont love the person your with. Though i must say it does sound like hes just done it cos he could, i mean he was seeing you the next day!!!!!!! as if he couldnt have jsut waited you know!!! so that means the reason he did it was cos he wanted to! so whats to stop him doing it again really!!! nothing!

i htink he doe scare abut you, he did come to spend time with you for 6 weeks etc but the fact is its possible hes nottaking this all so serious and the fact that yuou guys live in different countries etc may be abit of a convenience for him, do you think if you wre able to go everywhere he went that you guys would be in a serious relationship or would he hae nothing to do with you?????

i knwo alot of guys like ot play and alot of guys are scared of commitment, and this kind of situation would be perfect for them!

just eb acreful and best advice is to foloow your instinct! take care

[nancy]

Thanks for your reply, it's so helpful to get someone elses perspective. I feel too mixed up in this whole thing to see it for what it is.

The thing is he is very entusiastic about next year when we both get back on dry land he wants to come back to England and has even got all the paperwork to apply for a clearance visa and has been looking at jobs where they would help him out with work permit etc. So in that respect he is doing everything 'right'. He say's all the right stuff, and looks pretty genuine when he says it but..... the pain of being cheated on is unbearable and the pain of not having him here and knowing when we'll be together again is excruciating. I know everyone makes mistakes and i have decided it's worth a second chance, i just wish we didn't have to be apart whilst we are healing those wounds.

 

I am really trying to be positive and focus on me for a bit and do all that 'if it's meant to be....' but for the first time i just feel drained by it and i'm scared it might not work out the way i really want it too. I feel like i find myself wishing my days away until isee him and i don't want to do that. It's apretty sad thought wishing your life away.

Feel so numb, i wish he was here, more importantly iwish i had some friends here.

[charlotte_skye]

Hey again....

wow you really do sound like you really have a head on your shoulders, any advice i would have given you, you have already given yourself!!

that takes alot, we all know how easy it is to be weak.

I again sympathise with your situation, when i was abroad and in love with my english bf I was all alone, i had met him b4 i went to england so we got together straight away, before i had made any other real friends....and when things started to get complicated ihad noone to talk to, and when things got real hard that was the worst id never felt so alone, its a horrible feeling, i hope your ok, try to keep yourself busy have you got any hobbies? i always did alot of photography and that helped alot, i took the time i had while we had "SPACE" to work on me alos...its not always you get the chance to spend quality time on yourself to gather thoughts and analyse how u feel bout thinsg and what u want etc without any influence, you may even take this time as a chance to get everything done you may wanna do while your solo.anyways by the sounds of it with him gettin all the paper work etc is a really good sign, i know lean towads the idea that maybe he was just weak, imean with the situation you two are in , it would be easy to feel doubtful and when that comes together with temptation well its an easy thing to weaken to, im glad you able to forgive him, i know alot of peopel couldnt.

with the guy i was with in england we decided to be friends in the end as with him needing time to sort if he could move abroad and sort his fears and his head out and me just feeling like he didnt love me cos he wouldnt commit right then n there he started to see someone else pretty much straight away and id never felt pain liek it even though we had broken up i felt liek he had still cheate don me as we both hoped to still work it out in the end, but i just couldnt forgive, i tried so hard but with everythin else on top i just couldnt, its been over ayr since ive seen him and he still goes on about our past etc so maybe he did really love me who knows, i just admire your strength. do u mind if i ask u sumfin?? with this guy in england he still writes to me askin for pervy photos of me( weirdo i know) and sayin how he couldnt see me before i left england ( we hadnt seen each other for about 8 mnths by then , since we broke up) to come home as he knew he would be too tempted to get close even though he has a girlfriend now and he tells me he still fantasises about me, now this worries me cos i dont know if hes just playni with me to amuse his imagination ie: fantasies or if its cos he still has feelings, what do u think....im close ot givin up on our friendship....u see we stilkeep in good touch, we always have. anyways if you do need someone to talk to just send me a msg anytime.......take lots of care try not to thnk to much just let thinsg take their course cos its when you start thinking too much that you get stressd and thinsg get complex......take care charlotte

[nancy]

I know the best thing is to just live each day, rather than wish the minutes away because at the end of the day, 6 weeks or 6 months, i have no power of sppeding it up. The thing is, i can be totally rational and positive and trusting and loving and appreciate this time as time for the relationship to grow just as much as if we are together. The thing is i can't stop the hust of being cheated on and the saddness of him not being here. I can not escape those feeling no matter what.

I really wish i had something to throw myself into. My work is on ships so i only tend to do little bits here and there when i am home. The same with my friends, i really struggle to find a distraction which prolongs my pain. I also find my imagination starts running away with me. I have turned his cheating (which he said lasted only minutes) into a full on steamy sex session with some supermodel whilst both of them laugh at pathetic little me sat at home waiting for him to arrive. I torture myself with silly painful thoughts one minute and then get all upset, then start thinking of all the good stuff and again get upset and then finally move on to pulling myself together and trying the positive approach. I am so up and down it is ridiculous.