How to slow myself from rushing him into new relationships with me?

[PrettyGood]

God, I feel so pathetic writing all of this but I just really need to vent out and to get some useful advices.

 

I'm 28, I'm successful in career, however, I'm single and my ticking biological clock drives me crazy. In my past I had so many unsuccessful relationships because I always rushed dating into the next level (mostly sex) too fast. So I've got the most valuable advice: not to date at all and be on my own for a while. Ok, guys, you were heard. However, I am not going to be single forever, so I just decided to take it slow and... use my brains over my heart.

 

My problem is that I feel so fully ready for relationship, that sometimes dating seems a waste of time. It's not true, of course, because I know basically nothing or very little about those guys. 1 month passes and I get so emotionally attached to any new person that I start rushing everything again. I've been dating this new man for 2 weeks yet. We meet basically every single (or second) day (his initiative "I just want to see you"). Ok, so my first clear mistake is that I can't resist him and I always agree to meet him no matter what time of the day or night. It sends him signal that I'm always free. But what is worse - in the beginning, I took things slow: I didn't let him kiss me, hold my hand or touch me, I was playful, friendly, independent. It attracted him like a magnet. And so I got attached to him.

 

For the past 2-3 days I started behaving differently UNCONSCIOUSLY and he started noticing it "You're different from the one you were before. You're so relaxed, dreaming, not so playful anymore." Yep, it was my stupid unconscious behavior taking him for granted. The thing is that I started showing him attention myself: holding his hand, caressing his hair, giving a short kiss for goodbye (nothing French!), asking him about his future dreams (what the hell is wrong with me?), asking him if he wants to see me the next day (shouldn't I pretend being busy?), asking about his friends and family members, trying to find common friends, asking him about his scars or other body marks (that was even more weird and creepy for him) I just feel so pathetic and sad every time I meet him because I started attaching and I think that my heart is taking over my brains. I hate that. I'm so afraid that he will run away just because it's just the 2nd week of dating. WHY CAN'T I DATE WITHOUT ANY STRINGS ATTACHED?! (I haven't had s.x with him, but I started thinking about it most of the day because I just can't resist him and he doesn't want to drag me to his or any bed!). I think that I am like a sl.t here by showing him how desperate I feel to have a boyfriend

 

Please, give me some advices how to slow dating (not him, but how to slow MY part of acting?)

[JA0371]

You say you have a successful career, where does that come into play, if you can meet him any time day or night?? You don't need to play act or pretend...you simply need to have a more full life that does NOT include a guy. Volunteer, go out with friends, make plans that don't have anything to do with meeting men or relationships. You are looking for these men to fill a void you need to fill yourself. The man needs to be an asset to your life, not the center of it. Your life is the entree...,,the guy is the dessert. Catch my drift??

[stickman]

Be yourself.

It's normal to feel the way you do. It's CHEMISTRY.

The juices flow and all you see is the good stuff. The body...the newness of it all.

The "relationship" only kicks in after the chemicals start to subside a bit. However, you can still talk and get to know about each other.

Ask a lot of questions. Ask about things that matter.

But also focus on yourself and remember to force yourself to do things by yourself.

Try to go a couple of days without seeing him. GO out with your friends perhaps.

No person can be the complete center of your universe.

[iamkaylee]

Listen to these folks ^^^^^

 

And tell your biological clock to pipe down. You've got plenty of time. You're only 28 years old! If you got pregnant right now, you could have 12 kids by the time you were 40.

[PrettyGood]

I just feel so stupid and desperate after today's date. I'm so disappointed of myself and beating myself up morally. I mean, he just told me out of the blue that his best friends (guys) asked him to travel abroad and to spend New Years together (all guys together). When I heard this I probably had to say "Yay!!! Go for it!!!" But my face was speechless, like my disappointment was written in my eyes - no smile, no happiness, some kind of sadness. I was thinking "Well, ok, I was dreaming that somehow magically you will invite me to spend New Years together since we spend almost every single day and here it is - you need to give a YES or NO answer to your best friends tomorrow" What is wrong with me? I mean really, I understand that it's even illogical to rush so much after just 2 weeks of dating and I really want him go for anything what he is dreaming about. I don't want to be that clingy desperate girl creating that depressive atmosphere just because he didn't made me happy, but I also can't pretend happy that I wasn't the one he thought about in 2 weeks (ONLY!)

[stickman]

No faster way to get dumped then to cling to someone.

It is a natural PUSH-PULL situation.

 

We move toward comfort and AWAY from pressure.

 

We value more that which is the hardest to obtain.

 

Read a good book and try to relax. lol

Perhaps Set up a date to spend the day with a friend to get your mind off of him.

[Batya33]

One thing I'd change is your mindset - that your behavior is "unconscious" - your behavior is a result of your choices. You can make a different choice if your choice isn't working for you. It's not always easy to make a different choice but it's within your control. When I was 28 and had long term goals of marriage and family I made many choices that prioritized long term potential over short term gratification.

 

I don't think after just two weeks of dating he needs to invite you to spend New Years with him - and if he doesn't then I would make the choice to see him twice a week at most until you two are more serious and exclusive. You can "resist" if you're willing to prioritize long term potential. As far as your biological clock, I agree that it's better to have children earlier than later as far as risk factors but you do have to do the work that it takes so that you're not acting desperate. As an aside, I got married and had my first child at 42 -the only downside to being pregnant at 42 was the added emotional stress that came with it being a high risk pregnancy (because of my age). You're far off from that age so I wouldn't worry!