I can't ever find the "middle ground" :(

[MattW]

I've come to realize after the last few months that, you guys were right about something... I seem to have an "obsessive" personality. I mean, I'd still argue that I'm not "obsessive" to the point of actual lunacy/ creepiness. But I get too attached to people I like (because the ones I truly like come around so very rarely), and then I have a hard time not going overboard, getting over invested, feeling extra hurt when things don't work out, and having trouble actually letting go after the fact.

 

It's kind of odd, because I've always been a very reserved, quiet person that doesn't open up to many people very easily. Many people I've known have brought this to my attention over the years, and have wanted me to "come out of my shell", so to speak. The problem is, when I find someone I want to "come out of my shell" to, I end up going overboard. There's just no middle ground, with me. I either hold back too much, or I get over invested in someone. I can't seem to give just the "right" amount. I can't find that "middle ground".

 

To make matters worse, when I hurt myself after getting too invested in someone that isn't interested, I end up slipping back "into my shell", because I know I'm going to make the same mistake again, so I "close off" myself from the world all over again. That's pretty much what happened five years ago; I went all gung-ho over a girl, went overboard, took it super hard when it didn't happen, then I "gave up" on people and the world, convinced myself I was doomed, and went back to closing myself off from it all. Now I find myself about to repeat that cycle all over again.

 

I just wish I knew how to find that "middle ground", yanno? I hate that I have such an obsessive "overboard" personality, but I'm not sure how to change that. So, I just hide it deep down as far as I can, and inevitably cut myself off from everyone else so I don't let it out again.

[bw92116]

I'm the same way. Of all the self-help books I have read, the one that I got the most out of was "Obsessive Love" by Dr. Susan Forward. That book described my personality so well it was eerie. In general, you have to constantly strive to shift your focus from your lover back to you. You have to maintain yourself as the center of your life and not allow some other person to be the center of your life. And if someone isn't interested in you, to be able to accept that and let go of it, no matter how much you want it. This is something I struggle with all the time and I'm still struggling with letting go of a particular person. But you can learn to be stronger and to find the right balance.

[Gilson]

I could've written that myself...most of it. I don't really withdraw from the world.

 

I get overattchaed to people I'm atracted to and not even attached to. To me it's like if I'm aloof, nothing happens. If I'm not aloof, nothing happens.

 

If I wait for them to come to me, nothing happens.

 

In my 20s, there were a lot of women I was attracted to who moved away. They knew I was interested and in some cases the feeling was mutual. But since then sometimes it's like I know eventually they're going to leave before they do. Case in point, the woman at work I am attracted to. After only a couple weeks that I knew her I took a week vacation. I was afraid she wouldn't be there anymore when I got back. Well, you know what, she's still there...for one more week only!!

 

For the most part I've learned to keep it inside.

[MattW]

Well, by "withdraw from the world", I simply meant that I slip back into my "shell", and go back to being the quiet, reserved guy that stays detached from everyone else and minds his own business.

 

Honestly, I don't really understand myself. With this last girl, she really helped pull me out of my "shell", and we started getting along so well, and I thought there was definite interest on her part. I was really good at being "aloof" and "keeping my cool". I asked her out, she gave it some thought, turned me down because of how busy her life was at the time, and while I was sad, I kept my cool, and we stayed good friends. Things were fine for a little while after that, and then slowly but surely, I started becoming more and more "attached" to her, and I feel like I've kinda been pushing her away. I had hoped that I would stay "flirty" with her, so that when her life got less busy, I could see if she'd be willing to give it another consideration with me, but I think I've gone a tad overboard, and I'm not sure if that's an option at this point. I was thinking of perhaps doing some "damage control" next time I see her, telling her that I know I've been a little over attached lately, that I'm sorry for it, and that I'll try to tone it down a bit, but I'm not sure if that would be weird or not.

 

Anyway, getting back to the topic at hand, my "obsessive" personality is more problematic when you combine it with the small number of people I actually connect with. I rarely find someone I "click" with, and then when I do, I end up getting overly attached and pushing them away. So, I get stuck in this cycle of rarely finding anyone whose company I really enjoy, only to push the few of those people out of my life when I seem to like them "too much".

 

Ugh. I don't know... At 24 years old, I wonder if I'm already too "set in my ways" for this to ever stop being the case for my life. I don't know how to force myself from being "too attached". Heck, it's mostly a subconscious thing; with this girl I described, I didn't even realize I had been doing it until just recently. I've just had this subconscious impulse to gravitate near her and be present around her as much as I could. I can't help liking certain people, and I have trouble "letting them go".

[Wonderstruck]

This will probably provide next to no consolation for you, but I also have an obsessive personality, and I can completely relate to what you're saying about being VERY choosy about people, and very rarely falling for someone, such that when you FINALLY do, you become obsessed with them and overly emotionally invested in them, because you're so happy to have finally discovered someone that managed to spark feelings in you.

 

Trust me, this kind of mentality is a lot more common than you think it is. You're not alone, and it doesn't make you a "freak of nature" or anything.

 

I had never heard of this "Obsessive Love" book, but I think that maybe I should check it out, lol.

 

I do think it's a positive thing that, at the very least, you recognize this in yourself. And you recognize that it's not healthy, and that it needs to change.

 

I think the problem with you is that you don't know when/how to let it go when it's just NOT going to happen with somebody. That part of obsessiveness has to be extremely frustrating, painful and depressing. I really think that's the first part that you need to work on.

 

I can honestly say that I'm different from you in that if someone were to flat-out reject me, I'd be running in the opposite direction, not still clinging on, desperately hoping that they'll change their mind. If I were to be rejected, my first instinct would be to completely "retreat and recover", not grasping at straws and looking for any sign that they didn't mean it. That's where you're driving yourself crazy.

 

I was thinking of perhaps doing some "damage control" next time I see her, telling her that I know I've been a little over attached lately, that I'm sorry for it, and that I'll try to tone it down a bit, but I'm not sure if that would be weird or not.

 

For the love of God, DON'T DO THAT. For all you know, she hasn't even noticed any difference in your behaviour, and you bringing it up to her will just draw attention to it. And even if she HAS noticed, discussing it with her will just makes things extremely awkward and make things weird. Please, don't even think about doing this.

[Angler]

Your idea of damage control is still very needy, attached, obsessive behaviour.

 

Do nothing.

[MattW]

No, yeah, that damage control thing was just a poorly thought out idea. Anyway, maybe my problem isn't uncommon, but I still wish I could figure out how to overcome it. I get so few opportunities to find good people, I'd hate to push then away because of how attached I get.

[Angler]

I think you need to address your mindset. It's almost victim like.

 

You have more opportunity than you think, and there are more girls in this world with whom you can connect than you like to believe.

[Batya33]

Agree with Angler and wanted to add that I think you choose to behave this way because it's far safer than choosing a middle ground -with a middle ground you might actually have to put yourself out there with a real chance of a woman saying yes and then you'd be even more vulnerable because it would mean going on actual dates and getting to know her. The way you approach socializing/dating, you take it to extremes which basically guarantees that the woman will not be interested- in part because those types of vibes can be a turn off or even scary. And on top of that you choose to reach out so rarely that even those "connections" are few and far between. I don't buy that you're the victim of "woe is me, I never meet anyone" -I think most of that is your choice including your choice to get fixated on someone who again and again doesn't reciprocate your interest (and during that time you're closed off to other options). I'd reevaluate your mindset and ask out women who seem attractive and interesting even if you're not bowled over -at minimum you'll get social practice.

[MattW]

I'm not trying to victimize myself, I know I hold myself back in a lot of ways due to my various issues and hangups. I don't see it as a choice that I don't feel attraction to girls very often, though. I just don't find anyone I connect with well enough in that way.

 

And when I do find someone, they either turn me down, or I get to attached and push them away (or both).

 

I don't know... Even if I were finding more girls to ask out, I'd probably just end up getting to attached and scaring them off. I just seem screwed up either way.

[Angler]

I'm not trying to victimize myself

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I'd probably just end up getting to attached and scaring them off. I just seem screwed up either way.

 

^^^ So what's this all about?

[MattW]

Eh, I see "victimizing" myself as blaming the universe for "screwing me over". I'm not blaming anyone else. I know it's all my fault that I'm so screwed up in the head and can't figure out how to fix myself.

[Slimpee]

I'm not trying to victimize myself, I know I hold myself back in a lot of ways due to my various issues and hangups. I don't see it as a choice that I don't feel attraction to girls very often, though. I just don't find anyone I connect with well enough in that way.

 

And when I do find someone, they either turn me down, or I get to attached and push them away (or both).

 

I don't know... Even if I were finding more girls to ask out, I'd probably just end up getting to attached and scaring them off. I just seem screwed up either way.

 

Seems like all of your threads seem to revolve around this one central theme. Yet, when people offer advice you simply shoot them down arguing basically that because nothing has spontaneously changed in the past, nothing will ever change in the future.

 

Dude, any change has to start with you actually WANTING to change. That means accepting that you don't know it all and have all the answers and trying something new.

[MattW]

What "new things" can I even try? All anyone ever says is date girls. That's... not something I can just do. Like I've been saying, I need a reason to want to date a girl, and I rarely find one. Even then, even if I were asking out every single girl I come accross, there's still no guarantee any of them would say yes, anyway. And knowing me, I'd probably scare them off anyway.

[BrianH46]

And knowing me, I'd probably scare them off anyway.

 

Ah there! That is the root of all of your problems

[MattW]

Care to elaborate?

[Gilson]

Personally, I think I'm basically fine. It's the other people that have a problem.

 

Anyway, I don't know if it's covered here or not, but when things don't work for me or even get off the ground, I take it personally, even if they don't realise. It's almost as if "I can't believe they don't recognise that we belong together".

 

It's just a good thing I'm not obsessed about it. Wait, what?

 

Once I'm in a relationship, I'm really not like this. I'm attentive to her needs and stuff, but I really don't obsess.

[Batya33]

What "new things" can I even try? All anyone ever says is date girls. That's... not something I can just do. Like I've been saying, I need a reason to want to date a girl, and I rarely find one. Even then, even if I were asking out every single girl I come accross, there's still no guarantee any of them would say yes, anyway. And knowing me, I'd probably scare them off anyway.

 

I think connecting becomes much simpler when you're comfortable in your own skin - and looking for the answers don't require deep analysis in my opinion -the hard part is accepting the simple, common sense answers and doing the work - simple does not mean easy. I've lived that many times in many different ways.

[Angler]

What "new things" can I even try? All anyone ever says is date girls. That's... not something I can just do. Like I've been saying, I need a reason to want to date a girl, and I rarely find one

 

Ok, so you've said many times you need a deeper "friend-like" connection with a girl before you develop an attraction.

 

Let's get shallow here! Do you ever find girls pretty / attractive without knowing them? Can you have interest based on looks alone?

[MattW]

I wouldn't say I can't, but I can honestly say it's never happened to me before that way. I'm just generally not interested in that as much as I am in an awesome personality.

[Gilson]

Ok, so you've said many times you need a deeper "friend-like" connection with a girl before you develop an attraction.

 

Let's get shallow here! Do you ever find girls pretty / attractive without knowing them? Can you have interest based on looks alone?

 

I know I can. I fall in love 5-10 times a day!

 

Would someone please explain what it means to be comfortable in one's own skin or comfortable with one's own company? I keep seeing this in threads I relate to and it's pissing me off. What a load of bunk!

[blueidealist24]

I think your problem is that the average person is so much more shallow about dating than you.. you look at personality first, and then looks, and you want a connection of depth before asking them out. They just are like wow, that person is really cute! and ask them out.. then see another person who they think is really cute, and ask them out, etc. etc. .. you see that as sort of a waste of time/counterproductive in the search for a match (I tend to agree).

 

I'm not really sure what you can do about that though, honestly. It just seems you have more depth than the average person (hence the over-thinking and over-analysis as well).

[camus154]

What "new things" can I even try? All anyone ever says is date girls. That's... not something I can just do. Like I've been saying, I need a reason to want to date a girl, and I rarely find one. Even then, even if I were asking out every single girl I come accross, there's still no guarantee any of them would say yes, anyway. And knowing me, I'd probably scare them off anyway.

 

It IS something you can "just do"--YOU'RE the one who keeps making stipulations for why you can't do this. Get it? Stop catering to the very mindset that isn't working for you and do it anyway.

 

It's very, very simple. Start dating. Date women based on nothing but looks or superficial interests alone. And don't give us this "I don't work that way" nonsense. You work whatever way you choose. Doesn't matter if you're not comfortable doing it--do it anyway. In fact, being uncomfortable is a sure sign that you're doing things RIGHT, because it means you're stepping outside of your comfort zone, which is exactly what you need in my opinion.

 

You are the captain of this ship, dude.

[Gilson]

I think your problem is that the average person is so much more shallow about dating than you.. you look at personality first, and then looks, and you want a connection of depth before asking them out. They just are like wow, that person is really cute! and ask them out.. then see another person who they think is really cute, and ask them out, etc. etc. .. you see that as sort of a waste of time/counterproductive in the search for a match (I tend to agree).

 

I'm not really sure what you can do about that though, honestly. It just seems you have more depth than the average person (hence the over-thinking and over-analysis as well).

 

I agree as well. Sure, I like to look at pretty things but I prefer to connect on deeper levels. Intellect, etc first, but I do have to be physically attracted to them.

 

I'm not typically attracted to the bombshells, they're high maintenance, typically can't hold a conversation and distract easily. I've had short relationships with women like this but it gets old real quick.

 

Don't get me wrong, I find the women I am attracted immensely attractive physically, but other guys might pass them right on by.

[blueidealist24]

I agree as well. Sure, I like to look at pretty things but I prefer to connect on deeper levels. Intellect, etc first, but I do have to be physically attracted to them.

 

I'm not typically attracted to the bombshells, they're high maintenance, typically can't hold a conversation and distract easily. I've had short relationships with women like this but it gets old real quick.

 

Don't get me wrong, I find the women I am attracted immensely attractive physically, but other guys might pass them right on by.

 

Yeah.. of course someone doesn't want to date someone who they find absolutely hideous from the start. There have been some guys though, that I have found just semi-cute, but after getting to know their personality, I've found them totally hot. It's like the personality takes average looks and raises them up. It also works the other way too sometimes, a jerk personality can make a guy I found physically attractive at first seem only average.