My ex came back, what do I do?

[vix8]

So me and my ex dated for a year and a half. We both had issues and things started to get rough which put us to an end. Nothing like cheating, but we were both going through unresolved feelings that was affecting us. It was tough, but I took the initiative to leave him first because I just wasn't happy anymore and I was suffering with an illness that wouldn't go away until I was stress free. So I figured it was the wiser decision to put an end to both of our misery's. He agreed with me, so it was kind of a mutual break-up.

 

The first week I cried my eyes out, but then I grew some skin and started to look at all the positive things I learned in the relationship and how I can carry those forth. I started to feel okay with everything, my illness is reversing and curing itself, and I started mediating everyday and really digging deep into my spirituality which has helped me to see. I even started seeing a new guy. We didn't have sex or anything, he just took me out on amazing dates, and I started to feel appreciated and worthy again. He's a really nice and outgoing guy. We slept in a bed together once after partying, and all we did was kiss, and it felt so wrong. I told him I didn't want to have sex and he was very respectful, but I felt really anxious the entire slight sleeping beside him. All I could think of was how I'd rather be sleeping beside my ex.

 

Me and my ex did the no contact rule. Deleted each other off from Facebook, deleted each others friends, didn't text each other or anything expect within the first week to exchange our stuff. My dance instructor told me there is an 8 week rule or it's completely over. Turns out he comes back on the 7th week, which seemed like it had been months. That's a huge deal for him because he is so stubborn, I thought he would never want me back and would be happier without me. He ended up coming to my house that same night, and we talked about things outside. Everything felt so natural, and when he left we kissed each other twice and said I love you and miss you. It was at like the same time too. Whether it was out of habbit, or we meant it, or both.. it felt right.

 

Now I don't know what to do... I'm seeing this new guy who is pretty awesome, and older, more mature, an artist like me, sees things the way I do as far as I know, and he behaves like a gentleman. But it's also only been almost 2 months. I've been hurt so much, that I'm still very wary of him. My ex however, I trust. We are the same person with different interests but we value different things, and clash views sometimes. I feel like his negative values and views are from past hurt experience, and feel he can change with time if he opens himself up. I want him back, I really do. But I told him it's not wise if we get back together because he needs to mature and get through whatever rough patch he is going through, or else he won't grow into the amazing person I think he can be. When we broke up, he went even more downhill. He did a bunch of hard drugs within these 7 weeks, and injured his back. I know he's feeling depressed, and he said to me "I don't know what's wrong with me. I've realized how I've been acting though." So I think he understands more now.

 

So I don't know if I should continue seeing this new guy casually and give him a chance? Should I blow off this new guy? Should I even be hanging out with my ex like we have planned? What do you do when you love someone, but it wouldn't be healthy to be with them? I'm so confused...

[rask]

I wouldn't drop the new guy if you like him. But you need to figure out the ex thing before you get exclusive with that guy.

 

However, I don't see that your ex will be the guy you want to be with in the long run. You don't need to wait around on him, so I feel like no contact is still the best thing you could do. He didn't exactly "come back," he's just hanging around and it sounds like he just wants something familiar right now. If you do want to give him another chance, it might be best to tell him you want him to clean up his act, not just realize how he's acting, but actually make a change and do better for himself, before you try giving this relationship another go.

[El0t]

If he went to drugs instead of trying to make himself better, getting back together with him isn't a good idea. He'll only drag you down with him. Cut contact. It's disrespectful to your future partners. If he cleans up later on and really shows you he's changed, then maybe. But definitely not right now. Enjoy the new guy, even he's not "the one". He sounds like a nice guy who will treat you right and you can be happy to be with.

[chickydoodle]

I feel like his negative values and views are from past hurt experience, and feel he can change with time if he opens himself up. I want him back, I really do. But I told him it's not wise if we get back together because he needs to mature and get through whatever rough patch he is going through, or else he won't grow into the amazing person I think he can be

 

I invested 12yrs with a guy that i felt similiar towards; really Loved him. It ended in a horrible betrayal and his resuming a hard drugs habit...

From my experience I would say stay away. You may think you can help him change but no-one can - only he can. His negativity etc. will bring you down....esp if he has childhood issues that need to be worked thru'. Such issues are not easily rectified and deep seated..You will become his carer, his crutch. It will become stifling and unfulfilling.

Do not try to be his saviour. A certain amount of ego is entailed in trying to be someone's saviour.

 

 

It is bad timing for the other guy but if your heart isnt in it and you are still hung up on the ex then no joy will come from choosing the safer option.

 

I would like to advise you to stay away from the ex but i think it is pointless . You have to make that decision. If you are strong enough to stay away I would urge you to. If you return to him i would put a time limit on it.-if there is no real progress or change within six months I would walk away. He may be of the ilk that is charming, exciting, quirky, sexy..... .but capable of destroying himself and those he Loves . Watch for signs of things being not right within his psyche like if he is impulsive, inapropriate at times, plays the victim, has a sense of entitlement, spends money he doesnt have, has obsessions......all red flags .

But it may be important to get him out of your system so you wont always wonder what if.....and hopefully if he's gonna let you down it will be sooner than later.

I guess either decision will cause you pain - tough situation.

Your meditations should help give you clarity.

[CeeLambrini]

When my ex came crawling back I was over the moon. But then I found out (from him) that all he'd been doing was drinking himself to passing out, sleeping all day and staying up all night just spiraling down further into self-pity. Not sexy, trust me. He was the one who left me, because he "wasn't happy" with the relationship. Yet breaking my heart seemed to be completely in vain as he didn't do anything to try and sort out his head. As romantic as it seems to hear the whole "I'm nothing without you" and all the themes that come with it, it's not sustainable at all.

 

First, it puts pressure on you that if you're not going to be there for him - he's going to be off his face on drugs and ruining his body and mind in the process. Second, he hasn't worked on anything in order to improve a failed relationships - if there's going to be a second chance, you need to know for certain that the same things aren't going to go wrong again.

 

I am happy for you that you've met a great new guy, but if you're struggling to decide whether or not you want to be with your ex again I would advise you spend some time being alone - by yourself. This will really clear your head, and if you're not over your ex it's only going to end badly for this poor guy.

[vix8]

All good advice, thanks