Depressed (Ex)Boyfriend

[Pengy]

My boyfriend and I have been seeing eachother for six months. During the last 2 months I noticed a huge change in him. (We are both very open with one another. He and I have talked about how we both struggle with depression. We both currently see therapists and are on anti-depressants.) So he was very open and outright with me when I confronted him about his change. He told me he is struggling with depression again and it's getting bad. He is withdrawn, not interested in sex, not talkative, dismissive and distant. He says he feels 'flat' and doesn't enjoy any of the things he used to. I tried to be supportive of him, stay positive when I talked to him, lend an ear to listen, etc... but I noticed I began to resent him for never being happy around me. I was always the first to initiate a conversation, I was the first to contact him or make any sort of effort. I kept reassuring myself it was the depression keeping him so out of reach, but in the back of my mind I still felt hurt. I remember the man he was before all of this and I wanted to fight for him. I care so deeply about him.

 

Well, last month, I was over his house and I wanted to tell him how much he meant to me. I told him I loved him, but that I didn't need to hear it back. I said I knew his head wasn't in that place right now, but I needed to express how I felt. He obviously didn't say it back. He reminded me that his depression is making him feel so empty and apathetic. I understood. I really did. I just needed to tell him.

 

A couple days later we were talking on the phone. We began talking about us. He said he feels so guilty that my feelings are getting stronger and his are being suppressed because of his depression. I asked him what he needed and he said he needed to take a step back. He needs a break to focus on himself and getting himself better. I cried, he cried.. it was so hard. It was a long conversation.. much more than that. but that was the gist of it. He texted me right after we hung up. "All I am asking for is a little time. I need that right now"

I understand, but it doesn't change how hurt I feel. He's reached out to me since then. He wrote me this long, beautiful email just opening up and pouring everything out. "Coming to the conclusion I came to was awful, honestly the hardest thing I've ever done. I can't stand the thought of hurting you. I'm not sure if you've ever seen me cry, but hearing you cry really did it for me. I wanted to call you back and take it all back, but I'm trying not to be compulsive. Even though I hate the idea, even though I'm afraid I'm making a mistake, and even though it kills me and adds to my sadness that I'm hurting you, I feel like this is the responsible, mature thing to do right now. I need to get better and I need to do so on my own. I can't drag you down with me and I can't let the relationship go on while you're feelings are growing and mine are stagnate. I also can not use you as a crutch. That is not fair to you. In order for me to get better I think I need to be happy on my own first. I want to figure that out and hopefully share that happiness with you when the time is right."

 

I do understand. I made a list of how I felt when I was at my lowest in depression. I realize that it's exhausting, he's probably consumed with guilt and emptiness and just can't physically and mentally be there for me now. He wants me to keep living 'Don't put your life on hold for me,' he said. 'I hope we can get back together someday, but I have no timeline for when I will feel OK again.' I asked if we could still see eachother from time to time and he said 'In moderation. I don't want you to hang on to me right now, I don't know when I'll get better. I dont want to use you as a crutch" I just can't bring myself to let him go. I know that I need to move on and let him get better and that the future of this relationship is out of my hands now. But my gut's telling me to hold on. He'll get through this and I've gotta be ready.

 

I can't stop thinking about him. I don't know if talking to him is even a good idea anymore, because it always leaves me wanting more and being more sad. And it's probably not helping him either. Is there hope for a relationship after this is over? Is there a way to know that? Is keeping contact with him now hindering any chance for either of us to be happy? Is it so bad that I am holding on to hope??

 

It's a catch 22 right now. He can't be happy with me and I can't be happy without him. I feel myself slipping into depression the longer we aren't together. He is talking to his therapist more regularly and changing up his medication routine. I bought him one of those light therapy lamps (just to kind of let him know I'm thinking of him and want to support him)

I'm lost. I just need some guidance.

[mhowe]

Only he (and his therapist) can fix him. And so you have to let go and let that happen if it is going to.

 

There is nothing you can do but get on w/ your life. Continuing to contact him does a disservice to both of you -- you not respecting his wishes, and you hurting yourself because he cannot be there for you.

 

Speak w/ your own therapist regarding strategies to get on with your life. If he comes back, great. If he doesn't -- you still have a life.

[El0t]

It sounds like it wasn't the right time. It's nothing personal, it's just part of going through life. There will be many people you have a connection with, but sometimes you just meet them when it's not practical for you to be together..

-He cared enough about you and himself to end it when it wasn't working. That's a hard thing to do and you should respect his wishes.

-You are one step closer to a path where you will end up with someone who can reciprocate your feelings. In the meantime try to focus on things that you enjoy for yourself. Use this time to spend more time with friends and family.

-Letting go and cutting contact with him is what you both need. The longer you cling, the worse it will be for both of you. He needs space, and you need to move on. If you need closure and you really do care about him, just tell him you respect his decision and appreciate him focusing on himself. Tell him you can't contact him because it's what's best for both of you. I'm sure he will understand.

Best of luck and hang in there, things will get better with time.

[Pengy]

Is it so bad to not want to give up yet? I can respect his decision and his space. But I want him to be a part of my life. I don't want to lose him.

Am I being selfish?

Ughh.. This happened a month ago and he called last night to catch up. I thought it was going to be good but I'm crying here at work all day. I made the mistake of trying to steer the conversation to us and the future again. I know that right now his mind isn't clear. There is no future for him. He's just trying to get through the day. I know that I shouldn't have done that--bring all of that up again to him. Nothing's changed...I just feel like I'm going crazy. I know what I should do, but I can't bring myself to do the 'shoulds'

[mhowe]

You are only looking at this from your point of view.

 

If you can respect his decision and his request for space -- you have to let him go, and if he comes back, great.

And since you tried to steer the conversation to "us and the future" -- you are not respecting his decision or his request. You are focused only on your needs.

 

If you ever loved him or respected him, you would listen to him.

[Pengy]

You are only looking at this from your point of view.

 

If you can respect his decision and his request for space -- you have to let him go, and if he comes back, great.

And since you tried to steer the conversation to "us and the future" -- you are not respecting his decision or his request. You are focused only on your needs.

 

If you ever loved him or respected him, you would listen to him.

You're right. I'm just scared I think, that if I let him go completely I may never get him back. But in order to help him, I really do need to respect this and not sit here feeling sorry for myself about it. He needs this to be happy I need to honor this to help him achieve that.

It's just tough.. I just called my therapist. I haven't seen her in a while, but I guess it's time.

[mhowe]

He cannot come back until he feels ready. And if any/every conversation he has with you --- just to catch up -- turns into a talk of "us/future" he will feel pressure and he will stop calling.

 

If you love him, you have to let go. You have no choice. He needs to heal.

[Pengy]

He cannot come back until he feels ready. And if any/every conversation he has with you --- just to catch up -- turns into a talk of "us/future" he will feel pressure and he will stop calling.

 

If you love him, you have to let go. You have no choice. He needs to heal.

 

I didn't even think of that. That will be the opposite of what I want--pushing him away. I said to a friend, "I just want him back." and the friend replied, "I'm sorry to tell you, but that's not your choice anymore."

Follow-up random question. His birthday is coming up. I don't think I should get him anything, but I also don't want to NOT get him something because I still do care. Would it be OK (and not detrimental or pushy) to get him a bday card, and make a donation in his name to his favorite charity?

[mhowe]

Trying to pull him towards you will push him away. The opposite of what you want.

 

For his bday -- send a card. A simple card -- not a romantic card. And no charity gift necessary. And if you want ---- call that day just to wish him a good day.

 

STOP ALL TALK OF US, RELATIONSHIP AND FUTURE.

 

Being in touch w/ you should be a "pressure free zone".

[Pengy]

Thank you so much for your advice, mhowe. It's hard to hear, going to be harder to follow. But I know you're right.

 

"pressure free zone"-I'm going to take that to heart. I can't keep pulling. I want him to associate me with positive things and feelings, not suffocate him and pressure him. Easier said than done.. but I'm going to fake it until I make it I guess

[mhowe]

The only way to do it. If/when he calls -- you can't say how lonely you are, how much you miss him. That is pressure.

 

Be upbeat -- talk about a movie you saw, or something you did.

 

And don't contact him daily or even weekly. Let him contact you. Respect his wishes.

[Kirstya59]

Heyy im in the exact same situation! Pm me for support, i think we could elp one another

[Kirstya59]

Pengy would you like to talk?

[Pengy]

Hi Kirstya!

I don't think I can PM yet.. not enough posts I don't think.

[Kirstya59]

Heyy yeah i got access to it around 20 posts to pm! If you want we can talk on here for now? Maybe like to check out some of my threads and see what you think of ny problem. People come on here and say stuff you dont want to hear. And its easy for tgem. Not everyones been in that situation but still offer advice, sometimes in a harsh way. So i know exactly how you feel