Pengy

I miss you so much.. I wonder if you miss me at all?

I'm coming to terms with the harsh reality that you may never want to get back with me. Maybe this depression was real, maybe it was a catalyst to help you break things off with me, maybe things were moving too fast, maybe you're bipolar and you really don't know what you want when you're depressed. I don't know. What I do know is that I need to pick myself up, brush myself off and move on with my life. I am a catch. I know I am. I hope that one day when you finally see that again, I won't be long gone. I hope that you don't start to miss me when it's too late. I do want to be with you still. But I don't want to waste another day being sad because you 'can't' be with me. I deserve more than that.

Day 1... Round 3 OK!. Oops. But he texted me first. I wasn't going to answer but I had a moment of weakness. I'm not going to reach out to him anymore. I know he needs to come to me now. I need to feel in control, but so does he. I think I'm just so scared he'll be gone for good if I just sit back and let this work itself out. He texted telling me he saw my sister this weekend. It really didn't warrant a response. I shouldn't have said anything, in fact, I didn't say anything for a full day. i slept on it and realized that I don't want to ignore him. I'm not MAD at him. The situation sucks, and I'm upset with that, yes. But I want to keep in a part of my life. BUT what I should've done was keep it short, sweet and positive. Instead I asked him about how he was, about his weekend about what was new... etc. I need to let him miss me. I need to independently stand on my own two feet again. I can do this.

NC day 3 still He just texted me telling me he's coming home this weekend. I already assumed that which is why I made plans out of town. Does that merit a text back? I'm struggling right now.

I was just thinking this same thing earlier (bolded) I was thinking how happy we were six months ago.. When I think back to how different things were, what he would say to me and make me feel so giddy...The sweet gestures and the constant texts all day just because we couldn't stop thinking about eachother... we couldn't keep our hands off eachother... It actually makes me sick to my stomach. What I'd give to get that all back

I miss you. But not who you are now.. I miss the you I first met. I really hope letting you go now means I'll get that guy back. I wonder how often you think about me, since I think about you every damn second of the day. I know you're depressed and don't 'feel' anything right now. Would you be upset if I found someone new? Will you try and get me back? Do you think about a future with me? It's so selfish but I HATE this stupid depression of yours. I hate that I fell more and more for you every day, and you became depressed. I know it's nothing I did. I know that. I just have so so much love to give you... I HATE your ex who made you put up all these walls. I HATE the walls. I refuse to put up walls even though I am heartbroken now. I don't want to end up cold and distant. I want to open my heart to love again. I want that with you in the future. GOD LET THIS DEPRESSION GO AWAY. I pray for you every night. I pray that I can be strong enough to let you go and get the help you need. But I also secretly pray you'll come back to me when this is all over. I do want to thank you for not contacting me. It's helping me get a little bit stronger every day without you. We both need to get strong on our own. No crutches... no leaning... no depending.

I hate that feeling of losing control when I text him. I know exactly what you're talking about. You keep trying to send texts to not sound crazy and desperate and the more you text the clingier you come off, so you attempt to send another to say something that's not clingy and of course you look more clingy and then he doesn't answer and you start worrying so you send another text just to save face.. UGH it's a downward spiral. Day by day, girl.. the control will come more naturally with time. Don't beat yourself up. Working out is a great step in the right direction. I started working out again yesterday. Best of luck.. Fresh start today. You got this

Day 3 of NC. Still staying relatively strong. He was scheduled to talk to his therapist last night and I wanted so badly to text him and ask how it went. But what would that accomplish? He needs to learn to support himself and so do I right now. So I took a couple deep breaths...cleared my head... and thought of all the reasons NOT to text him. I didn't make excuses in my head why it would be OK to text him.. I stuck to the reasons it would be a disservice to the both of us. The real test will come this weekend when I've had a couple beers in me. But I'm taking this one day at a time. It's good looking forward to something. I can't wait to get out of the city this weekend and visit college friends.. I do wonder if he's still coming home. I read a quote yesterday that really hit home. "When I'm anxious it's because I am thinking about the future...When I'm depressed it's because I am thinking about the past" Ain't that the truth?

Ughh Zep.. that's tough. He kept prodding until you finally bit back. He sounds like a complete narcissistic jerk. You are strong and respect yourself enough to see that you deserve someone who with work with you and for you in a healthy, strong and loving relationship. Don't beat yourself up. You've come such a long way. I don't even know you and I'm proud Anyway.. Day 2 of NC. Yesterday I felt awesome. I felt like it was a fresh start-So positive. I had a clear head for the first time in the past 2 months. Right now, in his depression, he can't give me the relationship I need. Also, he can't get the help he needs while being wrought with guilt trying to be there for me. This is good. I'm positive, hopeful and clear-headed. "If you love something, let it go.." right? Today, I miss him. I have the urge to send him something funny to get him to smile today. I want him to be happy and I also want him to know how much I want to make him happy. I can't fix him though. I have to stay strong and respect his need for time and space right now. He talks to his therapist again tonight. I think they're changing up his medication. I'm going to keep busy today. Resist the urge. Stay strong for him and for myself. If only he could get out of my head--he's taking over my dreams now too. I had vivid dreams about him last night. One day at a time--this is for the best, even if it's the hardest thing I've ever done.

Ohhkay... Day 1 of NC-round 2 I wasn't happy with how things ended when we talked the other night so I caved and texted him. He wrote back. The quick convo was light and positive and now I feel better. Now I'm ready to take this NC thing with no qualms. Now that the air is clear, I can use this time of NC to find my own happiness again and respect his need for space. I realized last night he's not in a place where he can give me the relationship I need at the moment. It's unfair of me to place those expectations on him. He needs to find his own happiness right now, and since he made the decision to do that on his own I have to let him go. If he comes back.. wonderful. If he doesn't I'll be ready for that too. But the choice is no longer mine. The only choice I have now is how I choose to handle myself in the meantime. I wonder, will I think about him less as more time goes on?? He's coming home this weekend. I've decided to go visit some friends out of town... Avoid the situation all together.

Day 1 of NC I talked to my ex last night. It was just to 'catch up' but of course, I steer the conversation to us, the future, his depression. That's not what he needs right now. I got some great advice here today. The more I pull him toward me, the more he will push away. I can't have every time we talk be about us, and the future and his depression. He will only feel pressured and not want to talk anymore. He said he'd like to talk 'in moderation' and keep it positive...But my head's not in the right place to have conversations where I pretend everything is wonderful and I keep everything positive. I think it would be best to not contact him until I can get happy on my own again. I would be hurting us both if I did otherwise. I'm sure it did him a great disservice to bring all of that up again last night. I know it made me feel terrible after talking to him. I've been crying at work all today because of it. I had a text written out in my phone before I found this post. I just wanted to say something light and funny to him to keep things non-pressured. I deleted the text. No contact. I need to remember what it's like to be happy without him and he needs to get help with his depression-I need to respect that he asked for time and space. This is going to be a long 30 days.