He suddenly pulled away?

[Danika]

Hi guys and gals! I'm new to this forum and wondered if you could kindly give me some outside perspective on a recent situation. I recently got talking to a friend of a friend. We chatted through FaceBook, he eventually asked for my number, we exchanged texts and then he asked me out on a date. He also called me up and spoke to me on the phone a few times and we chatted away and laughed a lot. The date seemed to go really well; we went to dinner which he paid for, then back to his house where we had some wine and chatted for hours. He seemed nice, funny and easy to talk to. The atmosphere was chilled and laid-back, I laughed a lot as did he. He kept giving me compliments on my personality saying how I could hold a conversation, was quick-witted and clued-up, as most girls he had been on dates with he felt like he had to 'dumb himself down'. Throughout the evening I felt like he kept making excuses to subtly touch me and his body language gave me the impression he was interested in me. I also got the feeling he on a few occasions tried to kiss me, such as leaning in closer and/or playing with my hair. He dropped me home and I gave him a quick goodnight kiss. Things seemed ok after that, we kept exchanging texts back and forth and he'd text me during his work lunch breaks etc. as well as in the evening randomly. My friend then suggested a double date which he was up for, until suddenly out of the blue during a lad's night with his friends, he text me telling me that I was a "great girl" but he wasn't looking to get close to anyone as he wanted to focus on his career and he didn't want to hurt me. I said it was cool and we parted on polite, civil terms; though I will admit I was quite confused as it seemed to come out of the blue. I don't know whether his friends have said something to him, or perhaps the fact that he hasn't had a serious girlfriend for over a year since he broke up with his ex of 5 years? But I don't understand why he would go to such effort to get to know me, only to pull away? We had lots of stuff in common, scarily too much actually, and got on extremely well; and I wondered if it perhaps intimidated or scared him? I haven't contacted him and have given him what he wants, space and no more contact from me. But any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

it sounds like he liked your personality .. but wasn't finding the chemistry with you.. wants to keep you as a friend but doesn't want to lead you on.

[becomingkate]

My friend then suggested a double date which he was up for, until suddenly out of the blue during a lad's night with his friends, he text me telling me that I was a "great girl" but he wasn't looking to get close to anyone as he wanted to focus on his career and he didn't want to hurt me. I said it was cool and we parted on polite, civil terms; though I will admit I was quite confused as it seemed to come out of the blue.

 

If he was out with his boys and mentioned he had a double date with you and your friends, they may have started busting his b*lls about "having a GF," or making it official and that was enough to scare him off. Guys friends have a lot of influence on them, from what I've seen.

[MJWasHere]

Just be glad he told you quickly and directly. MOST men would just not respond and fade out. Its not anything you did or didnt do. He probably is just being honest - he is enjoying being single and doesnt want to date or have a relationship. Other possibility of course is there was someone else in the picture the whole time and he decided to stay/be with her.

 

Its good he was honest with you, so just keep him as a friend (you never know what hte future may hold), dont burn any bridges, and continue on with your life. DONT text or call him

[Deciduous]

Hello Danika,

 

I think he was naturally attracted to you; the leaning in, the long conversations. playing with your hair, almost coming in for a kiss, etc.

 

The chemistry was there, but unfortunately that wasn't the problem.

 

The problem was the break-up a year ago.

 

It seems he is not emotionally in a position to let your relationship go any further. Hence the sudden 180 spin. You need to be in a place of trust, strength and optimism to start a relationship and suddenly he realizes that he is not where he is right now.

 

Fair enough. Some-times we just ain't ready, no matter how absorbing or fun a new person is.

 

If he had been been truly uninterested, I think he would have done the old fade-away. As you fade away, out of his thoughts, he fades himself out of your life.

 

But his strategy has been a lot more "focused" than that. He wants this done without any misunderstanding. No emotional messiness.

 

As much as this hurts, I think this would have happened sooner or later. Either he would have cut and run suddenly, or he would have been rather distant with one foot on the break pedal.

 

Neither is ideal for a happy relationship.

 

This analysis stands - as long as you haven't done the chasing here. In those cases when a gal is chasing hard, it tends to make the guy wonder if he is getting the best deal he could get - and start chasing a girl who makes him work for it. Why?? I do not know. hey Even when they are emotionally available in this scenario they tend to get cold foot. I've seen that scenario happen time and again.

 

However the fact that you aware that he has been single for a year after a five year relationship, tends to make me feel that this background story has already come up and isn't necessarily as in the background as it could be.

 

I'm so sorry. I know either way it is terribly disappointing to feel a connection growing with some-one, just when they decide to bring out the gardening shears, to cut off what might have been.

 

 

 

All the best to you

 

Deciduousxxx

[PrettyGood]

I would never go to a guy's house after the first few dates. It's just show how easy you are go be reached. It's nothing serious and I think he just wanted to touch and to kiss you because he checked if you could also have s.x with him so easily too. And when you gave him a kiss in the end and then started talking about double dating while you don't know each other well (it's like already going to "I will present you to my friends" part), he just got scared that you're moving too fast and he didn't get what he wanted.

[offplanet]

I think it's the double date idea, too. It might have scared him off.

[Lambert]

The thing is, we can never really know what motivates another.... It could be all the things the others have posted, his former relationship, his mates... anything! At least he was a respectful guy and just ended it.

 

I think you are doing the right thing by just backing off completely. you never know, given some space, he could come back around and then you can decide if you want to deal with this type of person.

 

It has been my experience that the less you cry, chase, or protest a break up, the higher the chance the guy comes back. I heard some guys discussing break ups and they all agreed- they never forget the girl that is like-- ok. see ya (no emotions etc) it makes them think! It sounds ridiculous but it's true.

 

Stay in your place of strength... this is a disappointment, things seemed to start well, but maybe someone better is just around the corner. You never know, you might have just dodged a bullet. A five year relationship, takes a really long time to get over. I believe that "half time" theory-- that it takes about half the time of the relationship to really get over it. He may be working through some stuff.....

 

Until something changes, just keep telling yourself he did you a favor and move on....

 

Edited to add: if you "scared" him in anyway, then you are still better off. You want a mature, emotionally stable guy. These scared guys, are too much work, in my opinion and frankly, not even worth it.

[Danika]

Oops, I actually should have specified some things in more detail! His best guy friend and his girlfriend were actually the ones who suggested the double date, and he was fine with it, even making sure he had time to attend. To be honest, even though his best friend and his girlfriend are my mutual friends, I wasn't really comfortable with the double date idea because I hadn't even had a second date with this guy, but I didn't want to hurt their feelings and felt obligated. And because they were his good friends and he seemed ok with it, I went along with it. When we went back to his place, his mum was there and he introduced me to her. There was nothing sexual at all, and I'm not the type of girl to put myself in those kind of situations or put out on a first date. I've had two sexual partners, both of which I have been in relationships in. I had actually met this guy briefly at the mutual friends birthday party some months back, but because I was still hung up on an ex boyfriend at the time, I didn't actually really get to know him or chat to him enough. So I kind of 'know' him through the grapevine, if that makes sense. It was all just pure innocent stuff such as listening to music and swapping stories; he told me some personal things that not even his best friend knows, which he admitted. I will admit, I was a bit hurt; but I tried not to take it too personally because it took me over a year to get over my ex, so maybe he isn't fully over his ex girlfriend. He did say to his best friend though that he did want a girlfriend, and I think he just doesn't know what he wants? (Either that or I'm just a horrible person!) He did all of the pursuing and chased me. But no, you're right, it didn't 'end' badly and if we did bump into each other it would be friendly. I just wanted to thank you for all of your advice, it's nice to be able to talk about it as I can't really talk about it to anyone in real-life as it would 'get back' so to speak! So I do appreciate it.

[Deciduous]

Hello Danika,

 

I don't think your a horrible person and you didn't put a foot wrong. Just so we are clear. It's fairly obvious that this was an issue of timing, given your last post.

 

His head was willing, but the heart wasn't. Once the heart got wind of what was going down, various fears came up, as they tend to do when we aren't

quite ready to risk it all due to previous pain.

 

You yourself said you know what it feels like, so it's time to stop blaming yourself. You hear me? Whatever you did or didn't do, the whole situation was driving towards the same conclusion.

 

This really isn't on you. I don't think you could have seen it coming.

 

Once you've had a chance to recover and dust yourself off, you are going to be alright. Sounds like you are ready for relationship and taking a risk. And good for you.

 

Sadly this chap is NOT the right candidate.

 

A word of warning. He may try to drift back in a few weeks, which he might once he feels the dust is settled. You will need to be strong if this happens.

 

No matter how much he logically believes he is ready for a girlfriend. The fact is, emotionally speaking he is not. Not remotely. If you say yes, you will be plunged into a push-me/pull me scenario situation which becomes infinitely more painful with each round. You get close, he runs off, you get closer, he runs faster.

 

Add to this - people in this situation, invariaby use prospective new partners to discuss the failings of their last love. In fact they seem to talk of little else.

 

You think its emotional intimacy, but in reality, he is attempting to relieve himself of the pain inside with no real thought about the other person.

 

If you try to unburden yourself in similar fashion you will find that they don't want to hear it, and quickly steer the conversation around to their pain. I don't need to tell you that is an unhealthy and unsuccessful way to start a relationship. He will be so absorbed with his pain that he won't be emotionally connecting with you at all. And that hurts. The fact that he was sharing such intimate details with you so early on, gives me the feeling that this has already begun.

 

Not your fault. You couldn't have seen what was going on. I don't even think he did, for that matter.

 

But remember this. You have already done all the hard work of getting over your own Ex and healing past wounds. You now need and deserve some-one who is in a similarly emotional healthy place and who has something to give.

 

He does not.

 

I know it hurts, because you had high hopes for this lad and felt a connection, so it is going to sting some-what. So let it sting, then move on, head held high.

 

Take care

 

Deciduousxxx

[Danika]

Thank you Deciduous, it was nice to hear words of wisdom from someone with better/more life experience than I! I do appreciate you taking the time to post, you made me feel a lot better