p26 Posted October 28, 2004 Share Posted October 28, 2004 My girlfriend and I have been together for over a year, and things are going pretty well in most respects. But one thing about her that absolutely drives me crazy is that she is completely open to everyone and is always seeking to get to know everyone she comes into contact with. I don't know if she realizes it, but this leads to guys thinking that she is flirting/or is interested in them when we go out, or when she is interacting with people online, etc. The other day I glanced at her inbox and noticed that there are several guys who she converses with through email, they talk about regular things, and while they aren't directly coming on to her it is very apparent that they are interested. The reason why I am so concerned about this is that a few months ago, we broke up only for a weekend and during that weekend she kissed a 'friend' of hers several times. She swears that she wasn't the one who initiated it, it just sort of happened and she let it happen because she was upset about the breakup. In addition to this, she lied to me for several weeks and denied that anything happened (she says because she didn't want us to break up for good). I am very concerned that one of these clearly interested guys will end up causing more problems for our relationship. How should I approach this problem? How much distrust should I have after she lied about what happened? I have always been faithful to her and have never lied or cheated in any way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Day_Walker Posted October 28, 2004 Share Posted October 28, 2004 I dont think that she is doing anything that is out of the norm for females. Guys are constantly approaching them, the girls think they are talking on a friendly level but the guy is obviously interested. I dont think that you can do anything about that, cuz thats just her personality type. If your gf lied to you and that has led to you not trusting her then thats another issue. If you cant trust her then dont be with her, plain and simple. What i would do is realize that your gf doesnt have long term potential because of this mistrust. thereforeeee there is a time limit on your relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caliboy Posted October 28, 2004 Share Posted October 28, 2004 There's nothing wrong with what she's doing. It's just her personality type, she's a friendly person. My fiance's the same. It use to bother me, until I realized she's not just nice to guys, but to girls too. Of course us guys like it when a pretty girl is nice to us, but that's all it is is talking. And the looking into her email thing is a no no. Not only for invading her privacy, but because you'll see things like you did, your brain will start thinking about it and make things up and you'll start to not trust her. I've done this before. You just have to trust her. If she's going to cheat on you, then it'll come out one way or another, but it sounds here like you're getting jealous and worried over nothing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tea Posted October 28, 2004 Share Posted October 28, 2004 I do that. I'm like that with all my guy friends except I don't kiss them and hug them? I talk to all my guy friends about... eh... well, we talked about sex, relationship, love, whatever. I best friend's not even a girl. I'll be the last person to cheat on anyone though... I despise cheating so much. It used to bother bf that I have so many guy friends too, but he never stopped me and just dealt with it. =) He trusts me! and that makes me happy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
p26 Posted October 28, 2004 Author Share Posted October 28, 2004 I agree that it is her personality type, I'll just have to deal with it I guess... as for day walker's response, the trust issue is very difficult to fix, but I hope that we don't necessarily have a time limit on our relationship. She swears that I am the only one, and that she will never do something like that again. This is good to hear, but I still am constantly asking myself, "why did she do it in the first place?." If whatever motives caused her to do it before are still in her, it doesn't look good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cecelius Posted October 28, 2004 Share Posted October 28, 2004 Who broke up with whom? How old are you two? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
p26 Posted October 28, 2004 Author Share Posted October 28, 2004 She broke up with me, because of a pretty silly argument that we had... she is 22 and I am 26. We agreed that we wanted to get back together only 2 days later, something that I would not have agreed to if I knew what had happened. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sisterlynch Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 Have you tried to get her to listen to you? The only thing that you can do is to make her believe that you will do the same thing to her. Whether you do or not is up to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
p26 Posted October 29, 2004 Author Share Posted October 29, 2004 ^ What do you mean by 'make her believe that you will do the same thing'? What thing are you referring to? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sisterlynch Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 You need to show her that she can't do that and get away with it somehow. You can't allow her to be your girl if she is going to treat you poorly. Don't let her do that. Make her see that you can play that game too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
p26 Posted October 29, 2004 Author Share Posted October 29, 2004 Yeah I agree with you definitely, but I'm not sure how I would go about it. Two wrongs don't make a right and I definitely wouldn't try to kiss someone or even the score. I have made it clear to her that if something like this happens again, it will be over, and that there are no two ways about it. What really disturbed me was that her lie had more than one level to it. Lie #1- This guy tried to kiss her but she pushed him away. Lie #2- He kissed her briefly and she kissed him back, but it only happened once. What she says is the truth now- They kissed one night, and then she went over to his house a few days later and they kissed several more times. I was at her house with flowers waiting for her while she was over at his house So I'm still a little afraid that I haven't heard the whole truth about what happened, but she swears that its the truth. Thanks for your response. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sisterlynch Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 I think that my biggest advice for you is to just take a break from seeing her for a while. The thing that I didn't like was when you said that she wanted to break up because you had supposedly said something that she didn't like...we all know the real reason that she wanted to break up. So she manipulated the situation to make it ok to kiss the other guy. That isnt nice at all!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
p26 Posted October 30, 2004 Author Share Posted October 30, 2004 The thing that I didn't like was when you said that she wanted to break up because you had supposedly said something that she didn't like...we all know the real reason that she wanted to break up. Are you saying that you think maybe she broke up with me just to kiss this guy? If that is the case then I don't know why she would want to get back together immediately after that. She swears she doesn't have feelings for him and that she only kissed him because she was vulnerable at the time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sisterlynch Posted October 30, 2004 Share Posted October 30, 2004 What could you possibly tell her that would make her break up for only a couple of days? that is not a moral choice. She shouldn't treat you that way, it is not right!! Doesn't that make you feel angry? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
p26 Posted October 30, 2004 Author Share Posted October 30, 2004 Well, our argument that caused the breakup was about how she would always bring up sensitive subjects on Instant Messenger. I kept asking her many times to please bring these things up in person, and not just on Instant Messenger, and she kept doing it, so I told her she was immature and superficial. That is why she broke up with me at that time. And yes of course I'm angry that she went out and kissed this guy only hours after we broke up (and kissed him several more times a few days later), I still don't understand why she would do that, even though she says it was because she was angry with me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cecelius Posted October 31, 2004 Share Posted October 31, 2004 She sounds unbelievably young, and she has that wacky sense of entitlement that only young people can have: she assumes that you are around for the duration and that she is entitled to have you as part of her drama (like those girl movies where the confused young woman is bandied about between two men and she is just terrifically torn...) At least she didn't hook up with him. Is that the best you want to be able to say about your g/f? At least her hooking up was only making out? Don't torture yourself over her. She sounds young, confused and trampy. This guy is still her friend? Do you want to go to parties where he is, where he can smirk about how far he got? Don't be involved in stupid stuff. Get a decent girl. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
p26 Posted October 31, 2004 Author Share Posted October 31, 2004 I've definitely asked myself those questions many times. After she confessed to making out with the guy she swore it would never happen again. She has cut off all contact with the guy she kissed and his friends that are also her friends, I only agreed to get back together with her on that condition. I also let her know that if anything like this happens again, it will be over for good. I don't know the guy or any of his friends so I don't have to worry about running into him. I may regret it later, but she convinced me to take her back and she understands that this is her last chance to be trustworthy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arwen Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 You have sort of put her on an ultimatum. This is scary because you know you put her under pressure, on the other hand, there is no other way. You have literally set a limit on what your trust can bear in the relationship. If it means you will lose her, it means that she doesn't have the same expectations in the relationships. I think you handled it quite well, and hope for you it works out. I think she loves you really, and you have nothing to be afraid of. Ilse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
p26 Posted November 1, 2004 Author Share Posted November 1, 2004 Thanks, ilse. I think that I have done the best that I can. I do believe that she loves me, but I fear that she has a different conception of love than I do.. but I have to not worry about it so much and just give myself credit for doing my best. Only time will tell whether it works out or not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
p26 Posted November 1, 2004 Author Share Posted November 1, 2004 I confronted her about it again, and she says that the first time she kissed the other guy, she did not feel guilty about it because she was angry with me. She says that the second time she kissed him she felt "more guilt." Is it possible to kiss someone else without guilt if you truly love them, if you are angry with them and you broke up a few hours earlier? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
das420 Posted November 9, 2004 Share Posted November 9, 2004 Is it possible to kiss someone else without guilt if you truly love them, if you are angry with them and you broke up a few hours earlier? I don't totaly agree, but here is what happened to me. My gf of 2 1/2 years and I broke up from April-August. While we were apart, i messed around with another girl, she slept with another guy. I felt like a terrible person, I loved her. I only messed around with the other girl because I was hurt and I thought she was sleeping with someone else. I felt so guilty, but then she confessed and I felt like a saint. (She had sex, I didn't)She slept with someone else because she thought I was sleeping with someone else. Her guilt ate her up so much she had to take a month off from work and go on perscription meds for panic attacks. Yes, my friend if someone loves you they feel guilty if they mess up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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