How did you go through NC stage?

[LostWithoutYou]

Okay, for all of you thats doing NC for months and months how do you do it? its been 4 days for me and I'll tell you, its probably the hardest 4 days of my life...

 

Been brokenup 11 months but we kept on keeping contacts between us (she does most of the contact)...just recently she stopped calling me 4days ago and all these thoughts are running through my head. I don't know weather I should call her or just leave her alone and wait til she call me back? I'm giving her her space and I don't want to ruin our chances of getting back together.

 

For those that has been doing NC for months and months how do you do it? please give me any advices on how to remain calm and how to take your mind off of the phone. thanks

[sonjam]

LostWithoutYou, the only way you do it is by keeping busy! Call your friends, see a movie, read a book, go to the gym, just keep busy. Don't sit alone and sulk over it. It only makes it worse.

 

I do agree that you should give her the space she needs, but you have been out for 11 months, my guess is it was as hard for her to get her live back together without you, as it is for you, but she is almost there. This period where she kept in contact, was a "weaning process" and now she might be ready to face the world without you....

 

Hey, this is just a guess, she might just be busy with something, and don't have time to call!

 

Sorry for being a bit pessimistic. I hope it is the second option, and that she calls you soon. DON"T call her, hard as it may seem to do.

 

 

[blushes]

true we do have to keep busy, almost 7 weeks of N/c for me and my heart cant break anymore,

 

but what about us people that dont work (not by choice) thereforeeee i have not much of a social circle to call to go out, i think its a lot harder for people the same situation as me as we have more time to sit and think things over alone

 

Ive tried the keeping busy and so far it hasnt worked, nothing else to do but keep trying i guess

[Sn0man]

No contact is difficult. It takes alot of determination and self confidence, knowing who you are, what you want and what you don't. It doe's, however , get easier with time; the longer you go NC, the easier it is to remain NC: if you break NC, you start from square 1, which is an innevitability @ some point, no matter how you look at it.

 

The way that it worked for me was to consume myself in my hobby (my hobby is mathematics, astrophysics and financial analysis), so I'd get caught up in that, rather than the ex....you may wish to do the same (your hobby), it does relieve some of the pressure, and get's you back into what you are interested in, believe it or no (bad spelling). If you don't have an intellectually challenging hobby, you may wish to acquire one; i'm sure, as all of us do, you, have a passion for some thing that would do you much better than moping....

 

I know that's not what you want to hear. You want someone to tell you that everything will be O.K, that your ex will call you and want you back, that she feels as bad as you...

 

Truth: Only you feel as bad as you, and that is all it will ever be; no one will ever feel or understand your personal loss and greif; all we can do is try to point you in the right direction, and help you cope the loss we all have suffered; this is, after all, what has brought us all together

 

best wishes

 

PS: Going on NC for 7 months & counting

[tiger_lilies]

Self discipline. Self control. Pride. These three words kept me from contacting my ex. It's been 7 months of no contact and I'm way better off like this. It gets easier, especially when new people enter your life.

[ggm]

Pride...that sums it up. She probably used you for her own comfort. This is your turn to turn your nose up at her!! It does get easier. After 3 months NC, I have a genuine need to make contact to retrieve some items and I am dreading the necessary phone call. Try starting a new hobby or revive an old one you may have had prior to the relationship.

You will miss her and some of the things you did together...that is normal. Just try to change thoughts when you have those moments. Hang in there.

[PrincessLinzay]

For me, when I truly wanted the NC, I just changed my cellphone #. It helps if you can get pissed. If you hold on to the anger part, not calling them gets easier and easier. After all, if they don't wonderful YOU, you don't want them either. Never want to be where you aren't wanted.

[fridolyn]

its been 10 months for me. I dont want to call/write/talk/see her anymore. Very tough at the beginning but you get used to it. I dont feel the need to because she is out of my life, she doesnt exist, shes like dead for me. Why would I want to call someone who's dead

 

 

***english is my second language***

[idontgetit]

run. everytime you want to call...go doing something sporty and make sure you leave your phone behind. by the time you get back, you're so tired you can't be bothered to call.

 

snOman....geez...it's how to not call, not how to rebuild an H bomb while working out a continuous cash flow stream that will provide for you through retirement and your children's education IRA and beyond JK but hey, 7 mos?? send me some books here buddy...i'm sure i could spend time rediscovering relativity #-o just call me al.

[LostWithoutYou]

thanks everyone...okay speaking of the devil, I got a text message from her around 2:15pm "how r u, haven't heard from you in a long time (4 days)". so I ingnored the message about 30-45 minutes later another message came through "How are you" again I ignored the message. 15 minutes later a message came through and I guess it bothered her that I didn't reply and this time it says "Ingorning me? I understand". I turned off my phone this time.

 

I hope what i'm doing is not childish like and not being abit harshed. so I started thinking "what if she just wanted to see what i've been up too, to see if everything is okay on my end?" but i know as soon as I reply, I will be back to square one.

 

ps: is it me or do you feel much better knowing that you're ex is trying to figure out what you're doing and how come you haven't return her/his message/phone calls/text etc...

[gersanos]

This period where she kept in contact, was a "weaning process" and now she might be ready to face the world without you....

 

Is this pretty much why ex's stay in contact? I'm sure there are times when friendship is still there to keep and touch and such, but would anyone need to be broken up and yet remain in contact to see if they should be with that person? They break up with you (for whatever reason(s)), and they want to remain in touch so they don't have to miss you and use it as a "weaning process" as was mentioned.

 

I vote for no contact. Don't put yourself through the hurt and false hopes. Don't be their doormat. Let them miss you. Let them struggle emotionally without you to fallback on. This time apart will allow them to figure out what they really want, as well as what you really want. As tough as it is, it's the best route to take. Pain is the cornerstone of growth.

[Strandysmommy]

I took him off of my buddy list. He IM'd me on saturday to ask if it was ok to chat with me still. I could have cried right there. I wanted to say "I don't know. You're the one who said we had run out of things to talk about." Obviously I vehemently disagree with him on that, but it's his call. It was then that I told him I had the flu and he got all worrisome; "oh no! I am so sorry to hear that! Take care of yourself, rest! Please get better!" Gee, I said I had the flu, not malaria. He's having fun in Japan now...still don't know how he could be so spendthrift and carefree.

 

I hate NC. I feel like I am hurting him, which by all rights he deserves. But...I still just feel like something is askew in him dumping me. I know I am being analyitical, but every time I think about how he dumped me, it gets more and more hysterical, like "oh god you GOTTA be joking! You don't just go from being madly in love 12 hours earlier to...THIS. Sometimes I feel like if I do have NC, he'll miss me, and something will click in his head, because something obviously clicked to make him end it. Wishful thinking, I know.

[gersanos]

I hate NC. I feel like I am hurting him, which by all rights he deserves

 

Why would you be hurting him by no contact? The guy broke up with you. It seems that I also hurt my X by doing the contact thing after she broke up with me. I find it odd how she was practically devasted by this. I actually wanted to go up to her when I saw her once and ask her if everything is ok. She decided to break up with me, yet she's messed up now because I don't want to speak with her. Explain that one.

 

But about being analytical post break-up, I know all too well were you're coming from. Me and my X had a fantastic relationship, and it just vanished so, so quickly. None of it made any sense at the time, and none of it makes any sense today, and maybe, it never will.

[sonjam]

here's a take on keeping contact.

 

If your ex was a friend before you dated, maybe it'll be ok to keep contact, if not - don't.

 

I kept contact with my ex when we broke up after 7 years. We were definitely not getting back together, but I thought we were going to be friends still. I called about once a week or so. He did start dating a new girl, but asked me to keep contact, she made him burn his pictures, videos etc of us, and he asked me to please keep my copies, as he would like it again sometime.

 

Well, a few weeks later I spoke to a mutual friend of ours, and casually mentioned we keep contact. She told me he told them (our friends) that I won't stop harassing him! Geeeez what a wakeup call!. I felt so imbarrassed and humiliated!.

 

I never wanted to speak to him again, and never did. He called, and I did not answer again. I bumped into him on the street years later, looked at him, and just walked past. He was still kinda devastated and stood looking back at me in the street, walking by him. Serves him right, idiot.

[icme]

Gersanos, I know where you're coming from. we had a great relationship, not one argument, always telling each other how much we loved the other. For 2-3 weeks I felt her pulling a way a bit, I raised a few issues about it, she made a point about not seeing us together in the future.

 

I said, well, I guess that's it then. That night I slept in the spare room, the next day she left and I asked her to take everything with her , so I wouldn't have to deal with her collecting stuff. All I said was, "are you sure this is what you want?" she just said, "I'm not sure".

 

Earlier that day we'd been talking about plans for next year.. who knows what goes on in people's heads. I think we could have had days or weeks of discussions about it, but to what end?? For me to cry and beg and get to the same point. No way. That's not for me and shouldn't be for you.

 

in a way, I'm responsible for it ending like that and not being drawn out – but if you see the writing on the wall, what's the point in putting yourself through it. From the moment she said about not seeing us married or together, I knew there was nothing I could do. I'm not going to sit there and beg someone to be with me – love's not something you have to convince the other person of!!

 

It is the weirdest thing, cuddling and being so in love with someone one minute and then the next day knowing you'll never see or speak to them again.

 

I know two things, 1) you never fully get a handle on the reasons why 2) you stop caring and just accept it

 

For me, n/c is an extension of the same principle I mentioned above. If the writing is on the wall – there is nothing you can do about it. Contacting them draws the process out, prolongs your agony and makes everything worse.

 

When she left that morning I deleted all her numbers and contact details – I know this is a bit robot like, but it's the only way I knew I wouldn't call her. She hasn't contacted me since. Painful as this has been in the last 2.5 months, wondering why she hasn't called and if she ever cared, it's only now that I can see her not calling has helped me, although she wasn't doing it with my welfare in mind!

 

All this analysing, pondering over calling, analysing what their text or call means, wondering the what ifs, if only I'd said this, not done that – its all wriggling, us trying to wriggle out of the position we find ourselves in – because its so horrible, we'd do anything to be out of it.

 

To anyone out there wondering about contacting. (assuming there aren't extenuating circumstances, like a lifetime's friendship, working together etc etc) I'd say, bite the bullet, be realistic and just cut them off (for me there was nothing to cut off, but at least I didn't contact her either!) – keeping in touch has no benefits for you whatsoever and will prolong your pain.

 

I view it like fridolyn said – she's just someone I once knew. And I loved her and wish her all the best. But me and her have no link in life any more. That's it.

 

Very sad and cynical but that's life for all of us. J

 

ust try your hardest to enjoy life – it flies by so quickly and be happy and know that where you had those feelings once, you can have them again. Put behind you what has gone and stop wriggling!!

[UK Steve]

I would dearly not have to speak to my ex again, but we have a six year old son.

 

I have him on Monday evening, Wednesday evening and Friday evening. On the Tuesday and Thursday mornings, I take him to school, but on the Saturday morning I have to take hem back to her. And tonight when I pick him up, she will be all made up and ready to go out.

 

I am getting very efficient at knocking on the door, grabbing my son's things and returning to the car. I never look at her face, I just turn away as soon as I can.

 

You can read my story elsewhere on this forum. For those who don't know the story, after telling her to never call me again ( she split with me), I had a missed call from her last night. Fearing it was something to do with my son, I called back. Guess what, she wanted to know where Burger King was.

 

I won't answer the phone from her again.

 

Everybody should perservere with NC, you will heal quicker. Get rid of the photos and telephone numbers too.

 

Remember this, you lived before you met them. What's the point in loving someone who doesn't love you back? This pain will fade, don't rush your life away, tomorrow comes too quick anyway.

 

Regards to all

[LostWithoutYou]

I've been trying to do the NC and sticking to it, but last night she called my house phone and my little brother picked up the phone and handed to me, it was her on the phone. She wanted to know if I was ingorning her? so I said no and without going into details, she started to asked me what did I do for the past 4 days? I couldn't really talk because I was having dinner with my parents and told her of that, she said she will let me go and have dinner.

 

I'm really baffles as to why? she knows how I feel about her, i've told her many times and I had gotten to tbe point I don't need to say it any more. ( I still love her, want us to give it a another try but she wanted her space.) SHould I continue doing the NC and let her come on to me more? I know, don't over do it just enough for me to know she's ready for me?

 

ps. I didn't even call her back after wards...

[icme]

Your situation is different in that you have already been split for 11 months. To her, you are obviously friends at this point, in which case, it's a little odd to suddenly start ignoring her.

 

N/c usually applies where you've just broken up and you need to give each other space, to get over it and sort your head out. In your case, I think it's a bit unfair to have split for this long and now start n/c out the blue. You could tell her yes, you had been keeping your distance the last 4 days and you think that's probably the best from here on in, given how you feel.

 

Just don't be surprised at how much harder it is to ignore someone when they stop contacting you as well!!