Emotional diarrhea

[maggieMAE]

I'm not coping. I don't know how to anymore.

I keep picturing her with her new GF, hanging with all of OUR friends at the Thanksgiving table tomorrow. Just having a great time, while I'm at home crying.

 

I can't seem to let go. I miss her, her hair, her face, her hands, her laugh, her stupid questions cuz she was so stoned all the time, her humor, the way she looked at me, our discussions, what we did together, I miss everything. I hate this. I can't believe she can talk of marriage one day, and then dump me the second my dog dies so she can go be with someone else. I feel like this is one of the most traumatic experiences I've ever had. Hands down. Boom. Lost the dog I've had since I was 8, then to find out my lover was emotionally cheating on me.

 

She didn't even have the decency to talk to me about it. Not once. I literally haven't heard her voice since the day before it happened cuz the breakup happened online. I was completely cut off the second we broke up. I didn't get more than 5 sentences from her over the course of a month. That's the most disgusting thing someone can do. After breaking down my walls and chasing me for so long, I'm just thrown away without an explanation once she uses me up. It's so screwed up. The last time I saw her, my dog was having a seizure and I was crying cuz I knew we had to get her put down. I feel like a shell of a person. My heart is absolutely ripped out, and my emotions come in cycles. Some days, I'm great. Others, I feel like I'm at square one and am still in complete shock that this has happened. I can't believe any of this happened.

 

I want to be able to believe that real love exists. That people aren't just cheaters. That there CAN be longevity. I'm starting to think Hollywood lied to us all. That the only successful longterm relationships are the ones where someone is the victim and another is the alpha. Screw that.

 

3 freakin' years of my life to this person and she can't even dump me face to face. I absolutely hate her right now. I hope she chokes on a Turkey leg tomorrow. Not really...=/

 

I was doing so much better til she started contacting me after the first month. I'm happy I changed all of my contact info, but I'm mad at the progress I lost. I really wish I could afford therapy and antidepressants right now. I don't know how much longer I can handle this before I revert back to sleeping 24/7 and not leaving my home for days. I wish her contacting me actually meant she regretted this crap, or that she missed me. I wish it wasn't just breadcrumbs. I hate her for being so selfish, and I hate myself for loving such a disgusting excuse for a woman.

[Mistykitty]

Ugh, I know that feeling. It was only a year for me, but he STILL hasn't actually dumped me in person, or...in voice, for that matter. He HATES texting but he dumped me through text; and whenever I ask him to say he's done with me over the phone, he always makes some stupid excuse. Also, I'm just picturing him getting drunk tomorrow and doing god knows what x_x I'm with you on the cycling as well. I had the best weekend ever last weekend, and today I was fighting tears my whole shift at work

 

Ah well though, there's some things you just can't change. At least this forum exists, it really is a great support system

[sb8005]

Mae, I know how you feel. I still get moments of complete shock..."is this really happening?" it cant be, it just can't be....but it is I dont know what to do when these feelings come up either. I get so angry, and feel so helpless, and so screwed by life, and I hate not being with her, and a part of her life, and at thanksgiving with her family. I miss her love, her affection, her care.... Then after I go stone cold NC she throws these breadcrumbs (which I dont respond to) that tear me up... because there is no reason to respond... there is nothing left. She hurt me too badly for me to go back. She has changed too much. Too much has happened. I cant believe this even happened in the first place. I'm starting to revert back to the drinking, sleeping, eating poorly, and just not caring anymore. I dont want to. But its just so hard to let go. I feel pretty empty. The world seems grey, and cruel. Pain and sorrow I feel like I had the most important thing in my life ripped away from me.. and I cant have it back.

[Cyclical]

Hey Maggie,

 

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling I have felt at the end of my tether for weeks now but thought I'd share a couple of things that have really helped over the past 2 days. I broke down at work and felt like nothing I could do would change the way I felt having struggled so badly for 10 or 11 weeks. I contacted a family member and asked them to get the strongest anti-anxiety medication they could accross the counter without prescription. I was given a box of Kalms tablets and some Rescue Remedy drops to put in water. The tablets I take 3 times a day after meals and the drops whenever things get too much. This has helped so much more that I thought and has given me some real clarity and enabled me to relax. I also had a conversation with a friend who had been toying with discussing something with me. I had always been of a mind never to want to know anything about my ex's past relationships. However my friend decided I should know something and I'm glad she shared. She had met my ex's ex just after my ex had dumped him, a year before meeting me. My friend told me that he was devastated that my ex had changed so much overnight and started cutting him out of her life. It sounded like a carbon copy of what had happened to me. All of a sudden I realised that I was not the only person this had happened to in my ex's life. It gave me insight into her as a person and I began taking what had happened to me less personally. I realised I was just a 3 year period in her life that she had obviously felt had reached a point where she no longer wanted me and started to detach from me. It also meant she went down in my estimation somewhat. I'm not sure why but this has been a bit of a watershed moment for me. I'm not sure it will help you but hopefully you might relate to some of it or at least take some strength from it. I know it's said time and time again on the forum but it really is just a matter of time before things start to get clearer and easier. And then it's only bit by bit and there are ups and downs. You mention feeling great sometimes. This is such a good sign that you really can do this. I really hope you get more of these days soon and they all soon start to join up and you are able to move on. x

[maggieMAE]

I'm going to definitely look into those remedies. I assume they're holistic, or can I find them in a regular drugstore?

 

I think what's also eating me up is guilt of what I've done wrong. I've been trying to release it and let it go, but I'm also completely shocked about what I've done or how I've acted the past year or so. Considering the abusive and controlling crap she pulled, I think I'm in the clear, but it's weighing on my conscience. I was so stupid for staying for so long and not ending it way sooner. I'm mad at myself for listening to her lies that she'd change, and I'm mad at her for lying until she found a better option.

 

She didn't have any long term relationships before me besides one that ended when she was 17. That was a hot mess and they were VERY bad to each other, but my ex completely played the victim and painted her ex black to everyone, even 4 years later when we started talking. Now that I look at it, that's a huge red flag; someone who can't take any responsibility for their part in the end of a relationship. She's doing the same thing now.

 

You know, she was even telling me I once gave her a concussion!? We were arguing and while I was laying in bed. She came charging at me as if she would hit me, and I hauled *** to get off the bed and get away from her. Somehow she rammed her face right into my shoulder, and that was ME giving HER a concussion?! This is where my guilt is coming from. When she left me she threw all these things I did wrong in my face, but completely misconstrued them. I feel like my sense of reality is completely false and that maybe I'm the crazy one and that's what made her do a complete 180. But since my family and friends witnessed her crap, at least I have the reminders that I didn't make it all up in my head. My mom once had to throw her out of my house for fighting with my father after he heard me ask her not to hit me. Blah, it's just not getting easier though.

 

As soon as the New Year starts and I have flexspend back, I'm finding a therapist quick. It's like every day I realize how much more screwed up I am from this situation. Maybe it's Stockholm syndrome or something, but I miss someone who was this ugly to me during and after the relationship. On one hand, I'm thanking my lucky stars it's done and I can breathe, but on the other I can't believe how traumatic it was during and after.

 

Sad that I pity the new girl. She really has no idea what she signed up for when she got involved with an abusive chick in a relationship.

[maggieMAE]

Sorry my thoughts are all over the place. I hardly stayed on topic with that. I just have so many conflicting feelings and can't get my thoughts straight. I really do appreciate all of your support.

 

On a brighter note, I'm 3 weeks from finishing the semester and besides all of this drama, I got a 4.0 this semester. I started to lose a little drive three or so weeks ago when the rush of finally being free wore off, but I saved my bum pretty quick. I'm REALLY proud of myself for getting good grades regardless of all the stuff going on in my personal life. That's a huge accomplishment for me.

[Mistykitty]

On a brighter note, I'm 3 weeks from finishing the semester and besides all of this drama, I got a 4.0 this semester. I started to lose a little drive three or so weeks ago when the rush of finally being free wore off, but I saved my bum pretty quick. I'm REALLY proud of myself for getting good grades regardless of all the stuff going on in my personal life. That's a huge accomplishment for me.

 

Wow, that's amazing! 4.0 is incredible even WITHOUT such BS in your life. Definetly something to be proud of

[maggieMAE]

Thank you. I'm starting student teaching next semester and realize that I don't have time for a relationship anyways. I just have to keep reminding myself that when I get sad about this predicament.