nbr Posted January 25, 2013 Author Share Posted January 25, 2013 Well all this change has culminated in me dumping my wife today. Ironically (sadly) I did it over text. We were in another one of those conversations that stabs me like a mortal wound every time, and I finally gave into her and said we need to separate asap... got to finish the separation paperwork. I'm sooo sad right now, but at the same time I know now that I am ready to move on, even though the first few steps are going to be very painful. -marc Link to comment
Centi Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 Nobody will fault you for what you had to do. You did more than most, and for that, be proud. You've taken so many steps to better yourself, so just keep it up. Take care of yourself and make sure your children are as well. Stay strong. Link to comment
nbr Posted January 31, 2013 Author Share Posted January 31, 2013 Talked with my father. I'll be moving in as soon as i can get my old room cleaned out. Kids and i will share that short term till i can clean out the guest room. Wife went from couldn't wait Monday to cold feet today... Now I'm the one that wants out... Link to comment
nbr Posted January 31, 2013 Author Share Posted January 31, 2013 Well, had a heart to heart with the wife last night. It went really well. I told her that while she's scared and nervous here (touching her heart), that up here (poke on noggin) she knew this was what was best for her. Later she surprised me by acknowledging she might be codependent. Turns out her Guy had said something that made her think. Spent some time explaining codependency and how it made our RS toxic eventually because of some opposite traits I have. How if either of us were "normal" that there wouldn't be any issues, but since we both are borderline in opposite directions, that the combination caused the following (proceed to run through our relationship in abstract terms). When I asked how that sounded, she said "like us to a T". We did have one even bigger breakthrough last night... She finally admitted to herself more than to me (because I already knew this about her), that the reason she's stayed, through my EA's, through my drinking, my indifference, my sub par parenting (all well in the recovering/fixed and maintaining stages) is that I was the only person in her history who has not left her. No matter how crap things got on either side of the fence, I stayed. I never physically strayed, and never walked out. I *always* came home every night (not always functional). She's scared that now I'm leaving (at her behest) that she's driving off the one person that never left before now. I reminded her that I will still be there for her, she's the mother of our children, and as so has much importance to me. Told her that even if we split forever, I'll be there to catch her when she falls, pick her up, dust her off, and help her her fly again. made her cry, but not of anger or sadness, I think it was relief and a release of overwhelmingness that's been going on for a while. Cheers and hugs to all, I will continue raising a glass of martinelli's apple cider for a toast. -nbr Link to comment
nbr Posted February 1, 2013 Author Share Posted February 1, 2013 Woooooooooooooooo Hoooooooooooooo! Does anyone know what today is? Well I don't remember the day of my last drink, I remember where I was, that I was watching pirates of the Caribbean with my kids, but don't remember the date. so, my sponsor and I set the first of December as my official sobriety date, as that's really when I started to be serious about it. Today is: 60 DAYS Link to comment
chitown9 Posted February 8, 2013 Share Posted February 8, 2013 Today is: 60 DAYS Happy birthday and congratulations. Link to comment
Kaytie Posted February 8, 2013 Share Posted February 8, 2013 Amazing!! The fact that you've done this at all is incredible in and of itself, but under the circumstances in your life? Wow. Kudos to you. Talk about putting your energies into something positive, despite all the BS that has surrounded you! Link to comment
nbr Posted February 9, 2013 Author Share Posted February 9, 2013 Much to my sponsors dismay I've also met a girl... We are staying apart romantically as best we can, we both have baggage and fresh wounds, neither of us wants a rebound... She's so supportive of AA compared to wife. If I text her while I'm in a meeting she doesn't respond, or chews me out None of this "you're not that kind of drunk" or "you don't need to go to all these meetings". It's "you look like somethings bugging you, want to go to a meeting or can I help?". Wow. Working hard as I can (wife is switching from push to pull) to get things done so I can move out. Sober/clean/free... I realize I have to go to keep things the way they are. If I stay and she doesn't get herself help I will end up a drunk again. is the poem I wrote for my 60 days. -nbr Link to comment
nbr Posted February 9, 2013 Author Share Posted February 9, 2013 1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. Doing none of it at all now. 2. No frequent phone calls. sometimes days go by without a call 3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage. she's starting to do this now. 4. Don't follow her/him around the house. Again, she's starting to check up on me wherever I am. 5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future. I'm moving out, you can do whatever you want is the nominal response to her initiation of discussions like this... she still uses "we" for future activities. 6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner. Haven't for over a month, have asked for advice from her dad (also divorced) about how to handle things with the kids. 7. Don't ask for reassurances. I'm fairly sure of what I want. 8. Don't buy or give gifts. I happen to know she bought me a small valentine's day gift. Was planning on moving out on valentines day, but nothing really ready yet... any thoughts here folks? I'm thinking I should get a similarly value gift that is nice but non romantic? 9. Don't schedule dates together. yeah, not happening. I'm trying to get her to go out with her friends more (even if it is her Guy) 10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable. Sorry, I slip sometimes... it's been 20 years, force of habit I suppose. 11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life! Yup, done. 12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent. check. 13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy! I wait on her, much like a butler sometimes... but emotionally? yeah, I ain't waiting any more. Kids need to be my priority, behind that sobriety, behind that... Bring it world! I dare you! 14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue, no matter how much you want to! This one is hard, she will nit and nit and nit... I've been mostly good, and have not lost my temper even once. 15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested. Ah, I have safety issues. we've reached a compromise... she's promised to call me if she's going to be out past 10:00 (or for clubbing with her girl friends past 1:00am), she's promised to call me if she needs a ride, even if it is some guys place if that's where she ends up. I promised to not be so controlling beyond the safety thing, and to not criticize her no matter why she called me. 16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the wayward partner)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life...with out them! Yup, hence why she's now pulling instead of pushing... thing is, I'm done. She successfully pushed me out the door, past the threshold. Time to go for a walk. 17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available...for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing. Yes, yes, and mostly. I've started not cuddling or having sex. we had a recent marathon, but that was the last hurrah for me. 18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value. Oh, do I have value! but since I've been valueless to her all these years she is not interested in forgiving the old me and starting fresh, so move on I shall. Committed to being the best friend to her I can be, the best co-parent, and the best father. 19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation! Sorry, I initiated it. That I saw our future as close exes not hostile, and not reconciled. 20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF! I raised my voice a little, once... beyond that I've been managing to model this one. 21. Don't be overly enthusiastic. ha ha ha ha, then we'll call it my ADHD in overdrive.... 22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all! I say yes, you're right, I know and understand, you're completely entitled to feel that way. One time she asked me, why the big change... I said two words: I'm sober. 23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more! Still working on this 24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything. again, still working on it, but getting much better. 25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil. yup, and eat cookies. They are the universe's method of handling stress induced alcohol cravings, but they have to be *awesome* cookies... I'll put up some recipes later. 26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly. Yes, Yes, oops... 27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write. To everyone who is where I was at the start of this thread, and this list looks insane... "How the F$%& am I going to do this?!?!?!" One day at a time my friend, one day at a time. 28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy. This one is hard... I've broken down in tears a few times, but push away the offered solace. 29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care! Damn that's true. still guilty at times. 30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior. This too is hard, hard not to take it personally when they strike at your very core. 31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!" It's over damnit. 32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message. Check! 33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the affair partner. Yeppers. overall I think I'm doing great. Link to comment
nbr Posted October 3, 2013 Author Share Posted October 3, 2013 Update... it's been a while 1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. Doing none of it at all now. 2. No frequent phone calls. communication is largely by text, still gets emotional at times, mostly kid focused, or about her new RS 3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage. we had good points, these have been acknowledged by both, but wed also agree it's *over* 4. Don't follow her/him around the house. She now wants to know my every detail of my life. Any woman I talk to I must be dating. hahaha. whatever, she's the one with a BF spending nights now. 5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future. I'm out of there. The future "us" is as coparents, hopefully friends. She says when her current RS ends she's coming back to me. I look forward to the day I can tell her "I don't want you". 6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner. Haven't since the last update at all. Met her dad once and some small talk (handing off kids). 7. Don't ask for reassurances. none expected anymore 8. Don't buy or give gifts. I bought her egg nog for her birthday. Heh, it's her seasonal favorite, cheap, and totally non-committal. Had I bought her nothing, I would have gotten the boarderline rage from her. 9. Don't schedule dates together. yeah, not happening. Trying to schedule dates with others now (failing, but that's a different issue) 10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable. I do love her. I always will. I pity her more than anything, because I know I've grown into a much better man, but she discarded me, and I won't go back. If I don't love her I will hate her, which would I rather my kids see? 11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life! Yup, done. And done! 12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent. check. 13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy! Sober. Kids. When she asks me to do something for her I remind her: Boyfriend work. sometimes I do it, sometimes not. 14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue, no matter how much you want to! she still acts like a fricking Chihuahua. 15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested. I don't ask anymore, yet she persists in telling me, and now asks me. 16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the wayward partner)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life...with out them! She is still pulling, I am continuing to walk. 17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available...for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing. I've gotten cold. had to. self preservation. 18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value. Her loss. I'm doing well in this category (except for the occasional Aspie meltdown still.) 19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation! What marriage. I filed for divorce. 20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF! I raised my voice a little, once... beyond that I've been managing to model this one. 21. Don't be overly enthusiastic. I've taken to being enthusiastic about her new BF, cheering her on. 22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all! This is still hard. She *wants* me to argue. 23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more! I've stopped listening, because she's on repeat. 24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything. yup. 25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil. Still make cookies, stopped losing (or gaining) weight. 26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly. Yes, Yes, Yes. 27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write. To everyone who is where I was at the start of this thread, and this list looks insane... "How the F$%& am I going to do this?!?!?!" One day at a time my friend, one day at a time. 28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy. still has hart moments, though much more managable. 29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care! I quit really caring too. 30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior. Her actions spoke the truth, her words spoke lies. She lied about soooooo much; once I truly found out I was devastated. My entire marriage was a sham at its core. ** 31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!" It's over damnit. 32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message. Check! 33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the affair partner. Yeppers. ** Turns out she had told a friend years ago that she was going to marry me for kids then divorce me. When confronted with this her eyes told everything, her mouth confirmed it "You remembered that?" So, I was *used*. Link to comment
nbr Posted October 3, 2013 Author Share Posted October 3, 2013 We are at 10 MONTHS SOBER! How cool is that? No slips, only a couple days that were better described as "dry" than sober. Happy dance Link to comment
nbr Posted October 3, 2013 Author Share Posted October 3, 2013 Why the lapse in updates? Because I was too hurt, too emotional, too burnt out to come here and be on the forums. Long story short, the 180 helped me to file for divorce and feel good about it. My ex is toxic to me in so many ways. Yet I love her. go figure. I met a girl, who has a girl, I fell for both of them. we are staying friends, because anything else is too much for either of us right now. (hopeful for lots more though) Link to comment
chitown9 Posted October 4, 2013 Share Posted October 4, 2013 Good for you......:star: chi Link to comment
iamkaylee Posted October 5, 2013 Share Posted October 5, 2013 You already know what I'm going to say. ;-) You earned this. Every single hard fought step of the way, you earned this. I'm proud of you. Link to comment
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