My 180 thread. Documenting my changes and efforts.

[nbr]

Ok everyone, I said I was going to ask for advice on doing a 180 in a combo last ditch save my marriage / be personally ready to end it, so here's the thread.

 

I've read up on lots of different 180's and they all say similar things.

 

Here is the list I'm going to work from:

 

 

Where am I now?

Barely scratching the surface.

#2, well, I answer if she calls me, but I no longer call her unless it's for a specific thing. Same with e-mails and texts.

#4, as of last night I'm committing to not following her around the house (like a lost little puppy, as she's pointed out).

#8, hey, it's the holidays, I'm going to buy and give gifts. She wants PT time at the gym, so that's her present, and she wants to dig through the garage and ebay a lot of old stuff, so that's also a present.

#9, really? are they sure? I think I'm going to pass on this one, and here's why: She's dating another guy, and one of our big faults in our marriage is that we never really did date nights (we did, but maybe only once or twice a *year*). I think it's high time to change that.

#10, This one is hard. I do love her, and I want her back. I catch myself saying it, even though I don't intend to.

#17, YES! one I am doing. When EA stuff (her current, or my previous) comes up I am dispassionate about it. I matter of factly own my screw-ups and say so, but also don't let her say she's not doing the same thing I did. No anger or crying, just stating facts.

#20, another one I think I'm doing reasonably well on.

#24, yeah, another one I need to work hard on.

#25, I remind myself to eat, and I've lost 50 pounds since joining the dojo (6'1" 255 down to 203). Now to go find me some hobbies...

#27 I know I can, but may need ya'alls help here from time to time.

#28, like I was just saying, I'll come here rather than show her, but hey, subscribe to this thread if you want to be one of my crisis partners

#29, working on that already, she often turns it back to being about me, because she's making all this my fault. Need to gain some better strategies to divert/deflect that counter attack.

#30, kinda figured that one out. When I did something the other day she said she wanted and she got mad about it, I pointed out that I did specifically what she asked of me. She wasn't happy, but did stop complaining

#31, told all ya, I ain't done yet

#33.... hmm, this seems like one of those easy to say, hard to do things, how do you reconcile this with #29?

 

So, cheers everyone, subscribe to this thread if you want to continue to see the slow motion train wreck and see if we can get it back on the rails before it smashes to bits into the mountain side.

 

Any and all advice on pulling off a 180 are very welcome. At this point I can not leave her, I personally am not strong enough. The point of all this is to build up that strength so that I can, with the hope that as she sees this becoming a possibility she comes back to the marriage, but if she can't I can confidently hand her the paperwork to divide our assets and know that I will survive.

-nbr

[Justme3]

I did most if these when I was married. All these "180's" helped me to eventually let him go and divorce him. I changed, became stronger, and more independent. Finally realized how broken he really was and I no longer could put up with what he let himself become and I divorced him. Best thing I could do for me and my kids.

[nbr]

While I accept (finally) that may also be the endpoint of my marriage, right now at least I hope still to save it.

 

Were there any in particular that you found challenging? How did you deal with them?

-nbr

[Centi]

Good Luck, bud.

 

I did all of these except 31. I accept that it's over. I don't want her back.

 

The funny thing is though, from her limited interactions with me so far, she says that she resents me for finally being happy because thats what she has wanted all along. I'm fine with that though. I'll let her have her fun with the guy who knows how to make her coffee

[Justme3]

#23 was a bit difficult at first because I really no longer wanted to hear anything from him. And when I started listening later, I only heard BS. #33 was difficult because he never heard anything I had to say. It didnt really matter how i expressed my "dissatisfaction." It was like talking to a brick wall. #18 didn't happen because I didn't care whether he wanted me around or not. What was important was did I want him around me and in what conditions was it acceptable...by the time I did all of these, I saw reality and I was completely done.

[Centi]

Hows it going bud?

[nbr]

We took a trip to a family cabin on the coastal redwoods for the weekend, no RS talk at all and it was *awesome*. Disconnecting from the internet, phones (including Cell don't work), her guy, therapy, everything.

 

It really did go well, and both of us were happy. Just got home and her whole attitude changed...

some more data for me to process.

-nbr

[chitown9]

I wonder how she would feel if you got a girlfriend?

[nbr]

I did have one, that was part of the problem I have now. When she pushes and I point it out she chucks my OW into my face.

[nbr]

So, back on the topic of asking questions about the 180...

 

# 5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

Should these be discouraged? she's brought up some future stuff, like whether or not to rent her house and move into my parents house when they pass away, buying a travel trailer, other things that likely won't happen if we split... Should this be allowed but not started/encouraged by me, or should I actively shut this kind of talk down?

 

#19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

Wow, that's hard to do really. So far I've not brought up any RS stuff since Thursday/Friday AM.

 

#22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

Taking this a step further, I'm validating that she has every reason to feel *whatever*, that in the past I earned those feelings from her. (MFT's advice here, take the wind out of her sails, and it seems to be working).

 

-nbr

[nbr]

Just an update...

Entered an intensive therapy program as an outpatient.

 

Wife finally decided we shouldn't have sex anymore and even went so far as to tell me I was withing my rights to go get a GF.

She sends all sorts of mixed signals which of course had me failing miserably at #18 and #28. I turned into a sobby mess.

 

She's out on a date right now with the Guy (coffee again) and I did handle it much better than the last times.

-nbr

[chitown9]

ohhhh....this sounds like Chinese torture for you nbr. Are you sure that it is this fight is a healthy decision for you? chi

[nbr]

No, it is not, hence the therapy.

I'm trying to build an exit plan at this point that is financially manageable and allows me to actually do 50/50 with the kids.

-nbr

[chitown9]

No, it is not, hence the therapy.

I'm trying to build an exit plan at this point that is financially manageable and allows me to actually do 50/50 with the kids.

-nbr

 

I see. That is using your head. ...chi

[nbr]

Well all.

Tuesday was the big day apparently.

Sunday night was really *really* dark. My kids saved my life.

Had therapy session Monday in group, followed by an afternoon private session and a second session Tuesday morning before group.

 

Tuesday night, the Guy had something else to do, so rather than go out with him for coffee, my wife went to the outdoor ice rink with me and the kids. She drove separately and the kids and I were the only ones on the ice.

 

She watched from the side and at one point was really smiling (as was I, it was a blast).

I went over to the side and she made a comment about being two feet shorter than me with the ice and the skates. She and I kissed, a quick peck. It was magical.

 

Later she tried to backpedal saying she didn't want to send me mixed signals; I said: that's ok, I took it for what it was, you were genuinely happy at that moment and you shared it with me.

 

I realized I can let her go.

By Thursday, it was done. I was thinking of her as a hot single mom I'd like to get to know, but also was thinking of myself as single.

It was like an avalanche.

 

Friday we went out to dinner, kids, us, and my father in law. That evening I made some comment about being content, and she gave me an odd look. Later she told me she wanted to make love to me, not have sex, not fsck, but make love.

Today she told me she's not sure about the split, though I'm still planning on it for now.

 

I'll update more later.

 

 

-nbr

[nbr]

Checking back in.

Finished my super intensive therapy program. They graduated me rather than committing me

Made a couple new friends, joined AA with one of them, going to start singing at the old folks homes with another one.

 

So guys, this Sunday I will be 30 days sober, not a drop Also have not cheated on the dipping, and really cut back the caffeine.

In my appointment with the shrink today to follow up on the other program she referred me to she said I was doing an awful lot, given my RS issue and my mom. I told her that it was like ripping off a band-aid, that I was going to have one hellish point in my life, but after this it will be easy. She reminded me that things still happen, and I replied that all those things will be mole-hills compared to all this.

 

I really do feel better, I genuinely love everyone here, those who've given me hugs, shoulders to cry on; those who've given me flat out honest truth, held up a mirror to me, that I could see me in all my beauty and ugliness.

 

My wife said (before she indicated she was thinking of recanting on the split) that I would make someone a wonderful husband. I still hope that will be with her, but I do know she's mostly right. If I'm not married to her, then I won't be married again, but I will make someone an awesome domestic partner All I ask is that she accept my kids, as I will hers, and that she doesn't want any more. Beyond that I am looking forward to my new life. This 180 is for me now.

 

Also, talked to the manager of the Dojo... my kids and I will be continuing to train there, even if we can't pay. I love that guy so much too... He's been there this whole time, giving me emotional encouragement, physical demands to "get it out" and another shoulder to cry on as needed.

 

-nbr

[Centi]

Thanks for checking in NBR. Been thinking about you these past few days. I'm glad to hear about the progress you've been making. I'm happy talk if you're ever wanting to as well.

 

As always, chin up and keep smiling

[iamkaylee]

that last update ..... tears of joy for you nbr....

[nbr]

Well, today was 30 days sober and my 3rd AA meeting.

Cookies were awesome and everyone was chowing on them

-nbr

[nbr]

right just realized I hadn't posted about cookies...

Instead of drinking I've been baking...

 

Here's my recipie I made for PB&C cookies (have to use these flours, not all AP, seriously...)

[nbr]

Merry Christmas. I'm single.

She told me last night that She's done and dong a break. Didn't rule out reconciliation, but really? not sure.

 

Only thing I'm bitter about was her telling me christmas eve. As I wrapped the two "santa" presents and she was watching TV I was just sobbing. My last family Christmas, my last Christmas with my mom. And yet, I'm still sober... so yeaaaa me.

 

Going to start figuring out how to divide 2 kids and 20 years. She just realized how tight money is going to be, even with me giving her 50% of my take home. Heh.

-nbr

[nbr]

Hey Ya'lls it's a month or so later...

Still in AA.

Still Sober.

Still not dipping.

Made some new friends

I'm the one wanting to leave now, and she's the one coming up with reasons for me to stay.

She's almost BiPolar in her actions though, she's flying between lovey dubby and spitting vitrol at me.

 

So how's the 180 coming? I've really toned my body, no 6 pack abs yet, but tummy is nearly totally gone.

I still reason with her, I don't chase, beg, implore though. The reasoning part is mostly when she's contradicting herself, I simply remind her what she said previously and that's why I am doing what I'm doing.

I don't call her at all, unless it's kids or money related.

I don't follow her like a lost puppy anymore. (she's noticed, and is checking in on me frequently now).

She keeps talking about the future with We's, but the present with My's... I pretty much ignore the We part.

I am trying to break the habit of saying love you (I slip sometimes though).

Big #11: YES! I am moving on with my life. nothing I am going to post publicly but Kaylee can vouch for it

Cheerful is starting to return (but it's slow), the rest of #12 is coming along better.

#15: big win here:

When she's going out with her Guy she's finally being honest with me about if it's really coffee or if it's dinner. Last time she told me it was dinner she said it in a way that I think she was trying to trigger me... I told her go have fun, see you when the restaurant closes. Didn't give another hint of expression, said it with a *real* smile. Hah, joke was on her, no more triggers here.

#17, yup working that just fine.

Skipping to #31, yes, it's over. I won't say it's an absolute we won't reconcile, but I'm so darn worn out by the last 7 months that I have little to no desire to go back.

 

 

So ya'll, thank you so much for your support, your encouragement, your cheers.

I failed to save my marriage, and that sucks. But NO ONE can say I didn't give it my all, and that was all I could do in the end.

 

(((hugs))) all around and sparkling cider toasts: "To the future!"

-nbr

[Kaytie]

So proud of you. You are very strong, introspective, caring and honest. You are a great man!

[nbr]

So proud of you. You are very strong, introspective, caring and honest. You are a great man!

 

Why thank you very much [with a flourished hat tip].

-nbr

[Centi]

I haven't really contributed too much to your threads, but I have kept up to date on them. I was using you as a type of motivational figure, in so much as how hard I would try to save my marriage. Unfortunately my wife knew she wanted out for sure, and wasn't waffling. She wouldn't even try the couples therapy.

 

Anyway, I really just wanted to say that as a spectator, I'm so very proud of everything you've done. You've been going through so much more than a break up, and this entire time you have been so strong. Keep it up. You'll find your happiness again.