I fell in love with a married man. He has left his wife and now me too...

[Bella Donna]

It's strange.

Just a few days ago I was desperate to contact him.

After writing my situation out in black and white and hearing everyone's responses, I suddenly have zero desire to pick up my phone.

Which doesn't serve to make me feel any happier that once again it is Day 15NC and he didn't reach out and contact me.

 

For everyone going back and forth with "Should I? Shouldn't I?' about heading into NC. I think this is the answer staring us in the face. If during any of the time we remain silent, our exes

had wanted to speak to us remotely as badly as we crave contact from them, they would have picked up the phone.

 

Their silence is the answer to every question we could possibly ask.

 

Day 15 - 15 days this time, on top of every other day he has decided his life is better without me in it

[metrogirl]

It really is better this way.

 

Relationships that start from one of the persons cheating, typically doesn't end well. Even if you two did last a period of time, wouldn't the thought always be in the back of your mind? He cheated on his wife with me, would he cheat on me with someone else?

[Bella Donna]

Metrogirl - I guess I fell for every cliche - that our situation was different, that he wasn't a bad person, just in an unhappy marriage and looking for a fresh start, a new life - with me.

 

Arrogantly, I thought I was such a good catch so I hadn't really worried about that. I thought he would be always be as happy as I was that we were together and planning our future. Laughable now really, but another painful lesson learned.

 

Time to start trying to rebuild my life and self esteem - one day (or 15) at a time.

 

If nothing else, at least coming here has made me put down the phone. Really I was only having a relationship with myself anyway. He told me where he stood in June and not a single word or action on his part should have let me think otherwise since.

 

It's amazing what we can convince ourselves of when we are hurting, because the truth is just too painful to accept and deal with at first.

[lavenderdove]

One thing that is very important for women to remember when tempted by a married man... You see yourself as single, a great catch, someone who will be a good wife and mother and are looking for that man who will be there for you and help you do that.

 

But the truth is, he doesn't want/need a wife, because he already has one! Most married men are NOT looking for a wife or steady partner, they are looking for far different things than you are: escape from the boredom of a domestic routine, someone to serve as a safety valve to let pressure and distract them from other concerns, someone to provide sexual variety because they are bored having sex wtih the same person for many years, someone to help them feel free rather than bonded!

 

So you see the goal as 'freeing him' from his wife so that YOU can step into those shoes, while he sees his goal as pursuing things that make him feel free from marriage and commitment. Marriage and making you his wife is not his real goal, he is instead seeing the goal as providing sexual stimuation, relief from boredom, excitement, someone to run to who will dote on him and hang on his every word rather than ask him to take out the trash and diaper the baby and mow the lawn.

 

And when he sobers up a bit from the initial excitement he thinks, wait a minute, what i'm doing here is just trading one wife and marriage for another that might end up the same way, and i have this horrible divorce and child support and now she'll just start acting exactly like my wife did and will expect children and i've got all these financial burdens already from the divorce and wait a minute, i just got out of a marriage and need maybe this is not such a good idea after all. I just need what i was seeking all along, which is freedom to do my own thing and not be accountable to wife, and to have a lot of hot sex with new women that i've been missing in that marriage.

 

This is why only about 2% of affairs lead to successful remarriages. Everyone thinks their love is 'special' during affairs because they are locked in this little romantic bubble of frenzied sex, and whispered confidences, and longing for each other due to the restrictions of his marriage, but it almost always never works out in the end when reality eventually intrudes. You eventually start raising your expectations to actually want him to come thru and start acting like a partner and a husband again, but this time your husband rather than hers. He LOVED the affair, but may not want to turn it into another marriage, especially if he was sick/stressed by his last one. He starts thinking 'i don't want to get thrown back into that briar patch again' (especially if the divorce was nasty), so he bolts.

[essex boy]

Hey Bella Donna, I've read all your thread and there is some good advice here.

It would seem to me (given his actions, the way he to and fro'ed from you) after he spent all those years he spent with his wife he still had feelings for her when he left her. When I split with my wife I convinced myself I didn't love her anymore, it became apparent after a while still did love her which made me very confused, so I can see why he did what he did. We are human after all and we are very good at convincing ourselves to what we want to believe. That may not be what you want to hear but I'm a big truth seeker and believer in the truth for if you dont deal with the truth your wasting your time. He sounds confused to me and until he sorts himself out you will be chasing a ghost the man you still feel for.

Think back, the last time you were with him, what did his body language tell you? I know you women are normally good readers of it but when your in the wanting phase you just want him to say the right things and you'll be happy to hear that. Time on your own is the best healer but not the easiest thing to do when you still want someone, ask yourself this, do you want to be with someone who doesn't know what they want? Because he clearly doesn't, you are worth more than that. Think hard on your self worth, you deserve someone to love you and realise how amazing you are and for you to love them back. I don't think your going to get it with him, yes you've had some good times but the hurt far out weighs the good times.

Like I said before until he gets himself straight you will never be comfortable, he obviously has issues to have strayed in the first place. I almost had an affair before I split with my wife, i must admit it was tempting and I'm glad I didn't, I left of my own accord because if i didnt i would hate myself and realise ive just used someone to help me along the way. I'm not saying thats what he did with you, not conciously anyway. I don't doubt he loved/loves you but its all too messy. Give yourself time and you will find someone and never look back, like you said to me we are all always learning.

I hope that helps and doesn't come accross condescending?

Rob

[brokenicegirl]

Hello! This has been going on since June/July of this year.

 

We are both now legally divorced. We were together for about 3 months. However, we also dated years ago before he got married. He was crazy about me, but I was not ready for a relationship. I was 19. Lol

 

He does want me back. He told me he regretted taking a break (breaking up with me) as soon as he did it, but he was embarrassed and afraid that he could hurt me again. He told me this on Tuesday of this past week. We have been on a date and he has been texting and calling me all this week.

 

I currently have another bf now that I haven't told yet. I want my ex back, but I need a lot of attention and I'm concerned that I won't be able to handle feeling like I'm on the back burner.

 

I kind of did chase him at first, but then I realized that I'm hot, young, and I could find someone else. I thought about him every day though. Even though I have a new boyfriend.

 

I still have no idea what will happen. I hope everything works out for you as well!

[lavenderdove]

brokennicegirl, here is your answer

 

'I need a lot of attention and I'm concerned that I won't be able to handle feeling like I'm on the back burner'

 

He will always have a daughter, and if you do get serious with him, eventually that child will be in your house on visitation. If you can't open your heart to a baby and see it as a blessing rather than competition for attention and end up resenting this child, then you should just let this man go and find someone who doesn't have children already. The baby deserves to be raised thinking she is a pleasure and not a burden and not in competition with her father's partner for attention or resources etc.

 

You also might want to get some therapy to examine why you do need constant attention. You should be able to stand on your own two feet by yourself and not need constant stroking to feel good about yourself. Babies and children are needy, but if you are an adult and still needy, then that defintely means therapy is in order.

 

I am also concerned that you were only with this guy 3 months, and you leaped straight to a new BF and are only with him a couple months and you are sneaking around with the ex on the new guy. That tells me you can't be alone for a moment, and you need to have SOME guy in your life at all times. Maybe NEITHER guy is right for you. If you are very needy, you choose men not because they are right for you, but because you can't stand to be alone for a moment and use men to fill emotional voids inside yourself. that also points to therapy being in order.

[Bella Donna]

Lavenderdove,

 

I appreciate the comments you have left on my situation and please feel free to continue to do so - You are certainly forthright in your views, which is no bad thing - You have certainly given me things to think over.

But I get the sense that you have either been a wronged wife yourself or conversely have never been in this situation because you seem able to view things in black and white and I think your response to Brokenicegirl is a little harsh.

 

She hadn't said anything about the little girl or how she felt about that and yet your reply suggested that because she admitted she likes attention, that means that she wouldn't understand that his first priority is to his daughter. To say that the baby should be raised thinking she is not a burden is to suggest that is how Brokenicegirl sees the child, when she has said nothing of the sort.

 

i understand your feeling that Brokenicegirl has jumped from one guy to another but perhaps the answer is simpler than that - She met someone new, who seemed nice so thought she would do her best to move on, but after a while found that she still cared for her ex. It happens.

 

It doesn't mean she is a bad person or in desperate need of therapy. Relationships are complicated and to use an over quoted phrase, there are many 'Shades of Grey' as well as the black and white, especially where the heart is involved.

 

I'm sure as an outsider you believe that things are a lot simpler than the questioners make out, but I think a little consideration amidst your criticism would also be beneficial.

 

People make mistakes and difficult decisions in life, and I came here to have some constructive support. As I pointed out at the very start of my first post if because of my (or similar posters circumstances) a writer feels unable to offer constructive advice, then I am quite happy for them not to comment.

 

Brokenicegirl is obviously also hurting and looking for some guidance. I think some gentler support, to counter your 'tough love' would achieve that happy balance.

 

Best wishes, B. Donna.

[lavenderdove]

^^

Actually, I am not a wronged wife and I do understand the complexities of life. Brokennicegirl clearly said she doesn't want to be put on the back burner and share his attention with a child, so you must have missed that when you read her post.

 

Also, the purpose of this advice board is to get a lot of different points of view from people wth varying opinions and experiences. It is not to attack the posts of other posters because you don't like their point of view or it differs from your own or your own approach to life. If a poster comes on here and 50 people say, 'oh poor baby, how sad for you' then what good does that do? It doesn't shift their perspective or give them anything to think about or help them at all if they are on a track that someone with more experience can see will end badly and is trying to help them with.

 

If what you want is a bunch of people approving of your affair and telling you that you and your married man will end up happy and wonderful and there will be butterflies and unicorns and bluebirds singing, then you can believe that, but honestly, your own experience and hers shows the pitfalls of trying to have a relationship with someone who is committed elsewhere. The reality is far different than a happy ending for most affairs, and almost all affairs end badly and in bitterness and tears. It is her choice if she wants to try to brook the trend, but it is very much a case of caveat emptor when it comes to falling in love with a married man and expecting him to come thru in the end.

 

I think the real issue here is you don't like being told no, whether no means he's married and you shouldn't pursue him because that will end badly for you if it takes the arc of 98% of affairs, or no means no, you can't even stand to hear people with with different opiniions than yours because you want your own opinion to 'win', must like you wanted to 'win' that married man. Life IS complex, and you don't always get what you want, and you ESPECIALLY don't get what you want if what you want is a man who is married to someone else. It really is mostly a waste of time and heart, and almost always the other woman ends up holding the smoke and ashes of her hot affair burned to a cinder. I'm sorry if you don't want to hear that, but research bears that out. The overwhelming majority of affairs do NOT lead to successful long term relationships. She can try to brook those odds if she chooses, but those odds don't change just because you don't like to hear them.

[Bella Donna]

Lavenderdove,

 

My very first sentence was that I appreciate your comments and would continue to do. In my first post I also said that I could appreciate that not all people would agree with my situation - Again something I can fully understand and respect.

What I find difficult is the tone of your replies - especially this last post.

I could continue line by line to dispute the whys and wherefores of your reply, but really it serves little purpose and won't help either myself, Brokenicegirl or other posters find the constructive advice they deserve.

 

You are obviously a popular poster here given the number of your posts and the fact you are a platinum member so I am sure that you have helped many people find answers. However, as in real life, not everyone is destined to get along and certainly in my instance I would prefer people to express their views (however different from my own) in posts such as that which Essex Boy shared with us, rather than what is beginning to feel like a personal attack, because I am in a situation that you personally disagree with.

 

I don't dispute much of what you say, but if someone spoke to me in that manner in real life I wouldn't continue the discussion. Not because I 'don't like being told no', or because I dream of 'butterflies and unicorns and bluebirds singing' or because I just want 'a bunch of people approving of my affair' or any of the other reasons you stated but purely because I find the tone aggressive and unwarranted. I think you are equally guilty of believing that your view is the only correct one.

 

Obviously however, this being a public site, I understand that anyone is free to comment and voice their opinions in whatever terms they deem suitable. It isn't that I think your advice is poor, just couched in uneccessarily harsh terms, which was the point I was trying to make concerning your post to Brokenicegirl. At no point did you empathise with her, or in any of your posts to me for that matter.

 

Other posters may disagree entirely and think that your style of speaking is exactly what is called for and praise you for your no-nonsense approach and that is the beauty of a forum such as this. Perhaps it is also a cultural divide as I get the impression we are from different countries (I could be wrong - but having lived around the world I am aware that social etiquette varies dramatically depending on where you come from and what may be viewed impolite in one country may be perfectly acceptable in another).

 

Whatever the reason, I feel it is best for us to agree to differ on this one, otherwise this thread has to potential to degenerate into a back and forth argument which achieves little and has digressed from the original topic - This certainly won't help any other readers who may be reading but not commenting. (I know I read many threads before coming an active member and they helped me immensely).

 

I wish you the best and I'm sure many people have benefitted from your years of posting.

[Bella Donna]

Which reminds me...

Thanks Rob for your message - It's been a busy few days so I haven't had a chance to reply until now.

 

Your advice wasn't condescending at all and actually it is interesting to see things from a formerly married man's viewpoint.

 

I think I have reached the conclusion that he does need to sort himself out as do I, so I am much more comfortable letting him go now. Obviously I still have pangs of missing him, but my days are so full anyway that there is plenty to distract me.

 

I am on Day 19NC this time around, and I had to stop and go back and count because i had stopped keeping track, have just been getting on with my day to day life.

 

Any updates on your situation? I'll check your thread,

 

Best, Bella Donna

[Bella Donna]

And how about you Brokenicegirl? How are you feeling about things now?

[DylanNotorious]

right on lavenderdove! I especially agree on the part of the wife always holds all the cards - even when she's not even aware she does. The man having the affair will base EVERYTHING around his wife. She holds all the power and has no idea she even does! So all woman who think that the man having an affair with them, will leave their wives for them are living in a fantasy world, because they dont' ever leave.

[Bella Donna]

DylanNotorious - I don't know if you have read my story but in my instance the man I was with did actually leave his wife and get a divorce, so in my case that wasn't the issue. But yes - I would agree that in the vast majority of cases, when it comes to the crunch, the husband usually stays.

[Cope and Hope]

I got tired of reading through all of the pointless arguing and fluff posts so I'm just going to skip ahead and keep it simple.

 

Having an affair with someone who is married if a bad thing. Don't have an affair with someone who is married unless you enjoying ruining peoples lives, possibly even your own. Take it as a life lesson, learn from it, and move on.

[Reflective82]

Sorry, but if you play with fire, don't be surprised when you get burned. The fact he was so quick and willing to leave his wife and mother of his children should have rang alarm bells. My father has had numerous affairs and he never leaves my mum. She should kick him out but that's another story. You are just lucky you got out in time- do NOT consider taking him back at all. This is messy and complicated, there is baggage, you will always be second to his children. I do not see a happy ending for this, just years of heart ache down the road. I am sorry.