Trying to see through loss to the relationship I'm in....

[Jlizzy]

I feel conflicted.....and I'm aware that I need to get some proper counselling when time allows for it.

 

My main question I'm putting out there is am I wrong to feel let down by my boyfriend that he didn't try to meet up with me yesterday for a much needed hug as he had claimed was on offer?

 

Some important factors that don't help

A- I'm most definitely burning the candle at both ends right now with an insane workload between college and work

B- With the 2nd anniversary of my friend just past a few days, I realised I did not really deal with the trauma of watching him go through cancer and I've suddenly found myself in the last 2 weeks feeling quite distraught when I think about it.

C- I was with my ex for 3 years ....I thought he was the one but when push came to shove he could not commit. In the end I had no choice but to move on with my life. We parted ways/ saw each other for the last time June 20th.

 

So....with that in mind....a friend of 4.5 years, seeing that I was finally single, made his move. I love the fact that he obviously was holding that candle for me for so long. We get on great and yes I love him. We're together about 2.5 months now. The relationship, given that we know each other so well and given that he's quite verbal on his intentions about me being the one for him and his desire to commit to me, has progressed a lot quicker than the average relationship I would think for 2.5 months....I tend to adapt/ fit in with whatever I'm presented with...I can except people's quirks and flaws and ways of being and I modify my lifestyle to suit....so in this case I'm presented with a lovely wonderful, quirky, funny, caring man and I do my best to give him the same in return including the commitment....and once I give such commitment...it's not just in my actions, it's from the heart....so I find myself quite serious about my boyfriend at this point...I've quite easily fallen into the role of seeing him as my other half and depending on him in that way a longterm partner does......

 

Then on Sunday I felt like I was sideblinded a bit....with a week off, we'd wound up pretty much spending every night together and I spend a good few days working beside him...we were watching tv and I was stroking his hand....he pulled my hand away and said it tickled....we joked around and I was messing kissing his neck lightly and I asked him a few questions to get a sense if it's just sometimes or all the time and if it's the light touch that does it....I want to get to know him properly. We sat back on the couch and I had my hand on his leg and he pulled my hand away and somewhat annoyed said "you know now I don't like that"......He apologised later for it and asked me not to be worrying about these things and that we're just getting to know each other.....It should be noted that his tone was not aggressive but it was clear he was annoyed....and my buzz was killed....

 

On Sunday night, I discover that my ring (contraception) had fallen out.....so I wound up having to take a 5 day morning after pill yesterday. I was really upset about this. Initially I was just trying to get through all my workload but as the day progressed...I thought more and more about his offer that he was there if I needed anything even if just a hug....I tried to drop a few hints, getting more and more clear as the evening progressed...by nighttime I'd finished my job, I on hindsight realise, I was really desperate for a bit of TLC...I was feeling really down and low....I made this clear but still he didn't bite the bait and when I eventually more or less spelled it out explicitly he said he was tired and needed to go to bed.....

 

So I find myself in this horrible internal battle....I've given my heart to someone and I feel I'm relying on him too soon to be my partner who I can call on....yet he pretty much says he wants this and will often say if I need anything I can call on him.....I'm in this internal battle of wondering: Am I being unfair? Am I expecting too much? Have I moved too fast? Am I seeing things skewed? Do I have a point? Am I carrying baggage from the past? I feel like I can't see the wood for the trees at times and it's making me feel quite unsettled......

 

I mention my ex because in my heart of hearts, I am not pining for him, I have moved on...I dealt with all the crap and I fought til the end until there was no more fighting to be had....I always believed that one relationship cannot start before another has been grieved for but I now realise this is not true. I love my boyfriend...but in the same way that I have not grieved properly for the loss of my friend 2 years ago, I have not properly grieved for my ex...it doesn't mean I am hung on the past but it does mean there's a knife edge, a pain sitting there unacknowledged so to speak and I worry that it is cutting accross my ability to see my current relationship with the full clarity I want.

[becomingkate]

....he pulled my hand away and said it tickled....we joked around and I was messing kissing his neck lightly and I asked him a few questions to get a sense if it's just sometimes or all the time and if it's the light touch that does it...

 

It's the light touch - that drives me mad! (My hubby does it) and I ask him to stop because it makes my skin crawl.

 

About the need to a little TLC. I think you're going to have to ask for it outright, and not beat around the bush. Saying "I've had a day from hell, and I need a hug, even if it's just for a moment" isn't too much to ask. He would probably be okay with that.