Ugh, inner conflict...

[MattW]

I won't even bother summarizing the past few months, because the same people always end up responding to my topics, anyway, and you guys already know my story.

 

In all of this, there's an inner "conflict" at my core. I don't think I can truly "get over" my feelings for her until she's not present in my life at all anymore (which I don't have complete control over, given the situation), but at the same time, we get along so well that I don't want her out of my life completely. I don't have anyone else that I feel as "connected" with as her, and I don't want to go back to square one when she leaves.

 

Not to mention, there's a chance we might start seeing each other a bit more often outside of work; last night I went out with three coworkers (one of them being her), and had a pretty good time. When the subject came up, she also expressed interest in joining me in whatever birthday festivities I decide to partake in in a few weeks (which is good, because I was going to invite her, anyway).

 

This leaves me in a tough spot. I know as long as I know her, I'm not going to let go of these feelings all the way; heck, every time we work together, even when we went out last night, I keep looking at the little things she says and does to me and wondering if they mean anything. I know that's probably all just in my head, and me getting my hopes up, but still. But I just can't process the thought of not having her in my life at all.

[minorissues]

Man, I've read a few of your threads recently and you sound exactly like me at your age. Having gone almost ten years beyond that by now, though, all I can say is the longer you dwell on this girl and how to approach your friendship with her going forward, the longer it will take for you to move forward.

 

I fell in love with my best friend in high school and spent three years being romantically rejected by him and suffering horribly, convinced I'd never find another connection like the one I had with him. Lo and behold, I reluctantly accepted an invitation to the prom from another less close friend in my senior year, and a few months later I was in love with him and in my first relationship ever. We lasted two years, until the "rigors" of college life took their toll. So as you can see, all it took was to avert my gaze from my best friend for a little while and take a risk, and my original crush was never really that relevant again (though we are still really close friends, not because I clung to him back then, but because time has a funny way of making things happen the way they're supposed to.)

 

There really is no science to this kind of thing. Sometimes you just have to take a chance, even if it's done reluctantly and without any real expectation in mind, and it'll be your first step in moving on.

[fionaCake]

You're right, you probably won't get over her as long as she is still there... even if her presence is reduced.

 

Been there, done that... All I can say is you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of torment until you're old, regretful and wishing you had done more with your youth whilst you had the chance. No one is stopping you but yourself, in the end.

[MattW]

Thing is, I'm really not even sure how to make the "feelings" go away. On days where I don't see her at all (which is more often than not), it's not really too bad, and I can kinda relax and not think about it too much. Then I see her again, and we get to talking, have a good time, connect, and then it's just right back in my mind, that thought of "Why couldn't this have worked out? We're so awesome together!". I don't know how to make that stop...

[minorissues]

Thing is, I'm really not even sure how to make the "feelings" go away. On days where I don't see her at all (which is more often than not), it's not really too bad, and I can kinda relax and not think about it too much. Then I see her again, and we get to talking, have a good time, connect, and then it's just right back in my mind, that thought of "Why couldn't this have worked out? We're so awesome together!". I don't know how to make that stop...

 

I don't think you can make the feelings go away. At least, I never figured out how to.

 

The only thing that has ever helped me is to focus elsewhere, even when it's the last thing I'd want to do. Somehow, when I'm fixated on someone who has rejected me for a way-too-long period of time (and this still happens to me today; it's just a personality trait I have) I force myself to go out with someone else, take a vacation out of town with my friends, sign up for a road race or a triathlon or a book club or SOMETHING. Like do something totally random and social even though it's the last thing I want to do. And at the end of the day, I ALWAYS end up moving on.

 

It's hard, sure. But life is rough sometimes. Just gotta keep on trucking.