I just don't know what to do. Long post, I apologize.

[maggieMAE]

Firstly, I should have opened up about all of this with my first post, but I'm just now starting to piece together everything that happened and how I acted. I do apologize, I feel like I'm posting too often. After this I'll try to let go and stop obsessing.

 

 

 

 

I'm just trying to figure out what I need to fix about myself, another than being spineless. I'm thinking I gotta spend the $60 a visit that I don't have to see a therapist cuz maybe I'm in denial about how much this has screwed me up.

 

A year before we got together I ended a relationship with a girl who was extremely emotionally unavailable and I was a huge doormat. I worked very hard to change my dependent and pushover ways so I wouldn't repeat them again in another relationship. I must note that during the first 2 years of us being together, I was NOT a doormat. She never tried to screw me over in any way, besides being emotionally intense and over the top with her clingyness once in awhile, which was not often.

 

Throughout the first 2/3 of the relationship, she was VERY needy. She put me into situations where jealousy would have occurred but I tried to be understanding to lead by example and try to change HER jealousy. She also was very intense and wouldn't let me make friends or do what I want. It got to the point where we couldn't even be friends on FB because she would snap on males who comment on my statuses, even if they weren't being flirtatious. It wasn't constant by any means, so I just let it all go. After a long talk about my not tolerating it, she would stop for awhile.

 

Towards the last portion of the relationship, she got a car and started ditching me a lot and I eventually turned into the clingy one (I tried to avoid it!) cuz I felt she was slipping away from me. I started acting the way she acted before, albeit not as often or to as big of an extreme as she. But when she'd show up 4 hours late, I was pissed and usually a huge jerk.

 

A few examples are; once she was gonna pick me up from work while hanging with a friend. She lost track of time cuz she was high, and after my waiting for 40 minutes I said nevermind and called for a different ride from someone else. I work not too far from her place, and I saw her and her friend driving past, laughing at me while I was waiting for my ride.

 

Another time we were arguing in the car while she was gonna drop me off. She then refused to drop me off and drove to a unsafe part of town and threatened to push me out and leave me there. I have bad anxiety so this triggered a massive panic attack, mostly cuz of a loved one trying to hurt me like that.

 

Other times she'd pick fights towards the end of the week where she rarely had a weekend off, and it seemed like she only did it so she could ignore me all weekend and party.

 

Eventually we became an extremely on again, off again relationship because she'd do something extreme like this, I'd try to walk away, I'd get a week of peace and then start missing her. I was ready to stick by my word anyways, but then she'd start stalking me, showing up at my house and waiting outside for hours, calling me 100 times in a day, and I just couldn't stay strong after all of that and on top of missing her. But either way, after all the crap she did to me, my insecurities were constant and even when we got back together, I was still on edge and scared of being ditched and left again.

 

I'm wondering if my reactions were justified. Yes, I should have just walked away, but in the same token were my insecurities justified? Was I just a jerk? I'm severely doubting myself right now because I'm wondering if I was just an overreacting ***hole. If it were bad, why didn't I walk away?

 

I really feel sick in the head. =( If any of my friends put up with this crap, I'd smack them and go to the police FOR them. I'm terrified of her still. It's been a quiet 2 months because she got a new gf when she left, but I'm honestly scared it won't work out and she'll come back. After all of this crap, I feel so messed up that it would very badly affect me if she were to come around again. I tried to involve the police before during our relationship, and they didn't seem to care so much about stalking behaviors, or maybe they didn't care about abuse in a lesbian relationship. I've been advised to report back to them every time she contacts me, which was just once last week when she left two voicemails of songs we liked.

 

I honestly get scared that I'll see her in public. We go to the same college, and she's had no issues screaming at me in public before.

 

I dunno. Maybe I'm just surprised that contact finally stopped. She did a complete 180 out of nowhere, cut me off, and the few times she emailed me before my NC, she said I was the psycho one and that I made it all up. It's almost unbelievable that I'm finally free, but I'm still on eggshells that she'll start her crazy crap again. Towards the end I prayed she'd leave but I also stuck it out hoping she'd change cuz I loved who she was the other 80% of the time.

[Jake_hope]

First off, you don't need to waste 60 bucks on therapy, you got us!

 

Also, seemed like a very toxic relationship and once she got sick of being needy, the tables turned. I think its natural, but that's how toxic relationships develop. She was needy and she didn't get what she wanted from you, so she checked out of the relationship. Once she checked out your survival mode kicked in and this is were you are at now.

 

Let her go do her thing, stay NC and if you see her in public, just smile and keep on walking.

[maggieMAE]

See, once she checked out she was only needy when I'd try to do the same. It was a year of crazy. She even broke a window here once when I was in another phase of trying to walk away, and then it also started getting physically abusive.

 

I'm just terrified that it'll repeat again. I'm thanking my lucky stars that it's over, but I'm also hoping it's true and real. I miss her so much, but I'm hoping her falling off the face of the earth wasn't too good to be true. I'm staying cold hard NC, but I hope with time this constant on edge feeling will subside. Having her call and leave voicemails really made me scared. I almost cried cuz I thought it was gonna start again.

 

And yet I still miss her. See? Crazy. I do know I don't love or miss her enough to not press charges of harassment if it does ever happen again tho.

[Jake_hope]

I think you miss the idea of her, how do you feel about that statement?

[iamkaylee]

It's over now and you're out of it. You need time to heal now.

 

Stay NC. Be absolutely firm about this. Keep this in your head every single time you start missing her: Someone that really loved me and cared about me would NEVER drive me to a crap part of town and threaten to kick me out and LEAVE me there.

 

Block her phone number from your phone. Then she can't text or call and leave voicemail. If she shows up, do not open the door no matter what. Just call 911 and let the cops come fetch her.

 

Hang in there.

[maggieMAE]

I honestly don't know. I've considered it a lot. I guess I miss the connection we had before it got intense.

 

It could even be my ego in letting all this crap happen and feeling played. Only time will tell.

 

EDIT: Thank you Kaylee. The problem is she changes her number a lot on google talk or whatever so she can get through my having her blocked. I tried getting my number changed before but AT&T likes to charge I guess and I'm a broke student. I'll be getting that sorted out ASAP.

[lalalollipops]

Lol ^ I love your posts, ESP the ones in the ' infidelity ' section, tough love is just what ppl need. Though alot of the time ppl take offense bc it's not what they're hoping to hear.

[maggieMAE]

I think I need to clarify: I DON'T WANT HER BACK. I don't miss her enough to be pining over her. I have made my mind up to heal, but I'm scared and I feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack at all times when I'm anywhere near school and her part of the city. I also feel like I'm losing my mind cuz on top of this fear, I'm also mourning the loss and I miss her. She is much larger than me and has physically overpowered me multiple times. I'm scared. But without any recent contact besides a few phone calls, I can't get a Restraining Order.

 

Has anyone dealt with a similar situation and can they offer any kind of advice on how I can process the end of a manipulative relationship? Has the abuser come back? Should I just breathe a sigh of relief that she's TRULY gone, or do I need to watch myself and be on guard? Are my fears unjustified or what?

That's what I need.

[iamkaylee]

Therapy will help with the anxiety. Time helps with processing the manipulation and the mind****ing. Once your emotions settle down you'll see a whole lot clearer how none of this was actually you and it was all her. Your part in this is that you didn't see the red flags and get out of it sooner. Therapy will help with that too. BLOCK her number. I can't say this one enough. There's an app to block google numbers and an app to block any number except what's in your contacts. So check apps ;-)

 

Unless you've got something recent as far as a threat or violence or you can establish a long pattern of abuse, violence and harassment there's not much you can do about a restraining order right now. If she shows, you call the cops. Every single time, you call. She'll get the message and that will establish your pattern.

 

You have to TAKE that control back away from her. As long as you're afraid, she is in control. You have a locked door and 911. You have the control NOT to open the door and to call the police. You have every single bit as much of a right to walk down the street as she does. School, stores, anywhere. You have the RIGHT to be there. She does NOT have to right to bother you, threaten you or harass you after you tell her to STOP and GO AWAY. If you see her out anywhere, ignore her. If she approaches you, tell her LOUDLY to GO AWAY AND LEAVE YOU ALONE and keep walking. Don't scream or freak out, just be loud. You're out to embarrass her not make the next episode of Jerry Springer. If she keeps at it, get louder. Stop, point right at her and use her full name. Go away and leave me alone, you are harassing me and if you don't stop now I will call the police. So what if people stare. You WANT them to stare. If she persists, call 911.

 

Your fears are NOT unjustified but that doesn't mean you have to live in fear any longer. Hold your head up, breathe that sigh of relief and TAKE yourself back. Even if you don't feel it, fake it. As time goes on, the chances of her coming back get less and less and you will get stronger and stronger.

 

Been there, done this. You can too. Feel free to PM me if you'd like.

[maggieMAE]

Thank you so much. I don't currently have a smart phone so I can't use any apps, but honestly I think I'm just gonna let my friends know to contact me on my home phone and keep my cell off for now until I can get a new number.

 

I wish I could get that guarantee that she's really gone for good, but no one here is a mind reader though so I just gotta let that part go. It took me a long time to figure out what was triggering my anxiety, pretty much up until earlier today.

 

I'm healing two large wounds and it's a little overwhelming.

[iamkaylee]

You're welcome. I hope it helps.

 

Having your friends call on the home phone is good but leave the cell on and make sure you take it with you when you go out anywhere. Just ignore it if you don't know the number.

 

Nobody can guarantee she's gone for good but you can guarantee that you won't let her back in your life. That's what's important. You love yourself too much to let her back in.