An Empty Mind

[bobisyahu]

Every day for the last three months I have been constantly plagued with thoughts of death as the only desirable future.

Why? Because other than this thought and other self-critical ones, my mind feels completely blank. It's like i've been not paying attention to what's going on in my life for the last ten years. What do I mean by this? Well, it's hard to explain but i'll try to give some examples. People talk about movies that I've seen and I can't remember much about them. Same goes for shared experiences, they'll say "Hey remember that time when...?" And often I don't and when I do it is only the most general details. Everybody seems to have a favorite band whose songs they know and can recognize, I've listened to a lot of music but never connected with it the way other people do. Same goes for things i've learned or read, I may be able to talk about it and comprehend it in the short-term but it seems to fade and now i feel like I know virtually nothing about anything (e.g. politics, culture, the layout of my city, science, whatever).

 

These probably seem like the silliest of all reasons to want to kill oneself, but I am 23 and I feel like I have the mindset of a 10 year old, or a mentally-challenged individual. This feeling of an empty mind/no knowledge has led me to alienate from the few friends that i have because I simply never have anything to talk to them about, I never have much to say to anybody because there are no thoughts to generate words. I feel isolated and I cant imagine living another year like this, let alone another 50.

[happyfrank]

Are you still smokin a bunch of pot?

 

What was your drive to graduate from college?

 

The world is ever changing. Don't you want to see the world?

 

Travel?

[bobisyahu]

i've pretty much stopped the pot, only once in the last 2 months.

I don't really know what the drive was in college, i kinda feel like i was just going with it. Chose my major in part cuz it was easier than the rest, plus my dad paid for my rent while i was in school so it was kinda like a way for me to have my own place. I would like to see more of the world but this whole "cant communicate with others" has really got me trapped and makes the idea of travel or even going to a friends house seem unappealing.

[happyfrank]

You complete a really great goal. Maybe you would rather be alone for awhile. That's ok. We all move different. What you like doing at home during your free time?

[ShyGirl12]

I've felt like this before. I can relate to a lot of what you say in terms of bad memory, little interest in what others take great interest in, etc. I could feel myself creating a wall between myself and others, I had thoughts of suicide too. I felt alone and didn't feel like I'd meet anyone who could ever be able to relate.

 

I think the fact that you can identify that there IS an issue shows you're already on your way to recovery. In my situation, I knew exactly what put me in this state so I was able to help my way out of it through specfic things. In your situation I'm not sure if you understand what caused this but I would encourage you to find at least one thing you really like/love and participate in exploring it. Spend time with people that you love. Do something that makes you feel good. Don't worry about fully understanding it or being able to remember it. Just do something extremely exciting that makes you forget that you have the tendency to forget, as funny as that sounds.

 

Life is so precious. Try your best to find something, anything that reminds you of that.