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guys crying, is it right?


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ok things have been really stressfull for me. for one, my parents are jehovahs witnesses and i dont want to be a jehovahs witness, i told them this and they got all crazy on me. i told them this because i wanted to go to homecoming, because they told me i couldnt go because i was a JW and so i said i wasnt. and they told me i still couldnt go. they threatened to not support my education if i do not follow their beliefs. my dad threatened to take me out of public school and i told him i have rights at my age. he then tried to kick my butt in which i defended myself. i told him if he did take me out of public school, ill get out of the house once im 18 and join the air force. he said thats really stupid. i find myself hating the weekends because i have no one to hang out with anymore. and im crying right now, is it right for guys to cry.

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Yes, of course its ok for guys to cry. Thats how you let out strong emotions and cope with stress. Its the people who won't cry that have trouble because they turn to other less healthy methods of letting out stress.

 

Cry as much as you need to. You've got a lot going on in your life right now. I'm sorry your parents religion is causing such huge conflicts right now but I've heard very similar stories in other JW families.

 

When you are 18 you can choose to do what you wish. Just don't make a rash decision in order to get out of the house. Joining the military is a serious committment.

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It is perfectly healthy for people to cry. It is the natural way to expel your emotion.Its better out than in and bottling up your emotions is bad for you. Everyone cries if they have feeling or functioning tear ducts.

I have to admit that im a bit prejudiced against your fate. As a teacher I have had JWs hijacking class presentations to prosletise and I once had a jw write an article criticising the other christians in his class.

However first ask yourself why you don't want tobe JW.

You should only abandon your faith for the right reasons.

The wrong reasons would be, 1} to indulge in some pleasure forbidden by your faith. 2} Teenage rebellion. 3} to spite your parents.

If these are the reasons then I would think you are foolish to give up your faith. I believe faith can give us comfort as long as we dont hurt anyone. I also fear that Jws are intolerant of those who abandon their faith though I could be wrong.

My advice would be. Hold on for the meantime. Get your education and talk to someone who is discreet and objective. If you still feel the same way in five years then leave. You are young now and feel you are missing out. You also feel that you are under your father's control. This is very frustrating but very very temporary. Work hard on what you can do. Get a good education, extend your comfort zone socially so that when you are free you will be well set up to enjoy your independence to the full. As for homecoming, nothing is as good as it seems when forbidden. That's human nature. You have lots of better times ahead.

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are these good reasons for leaving? 1)brainwashing 2)certain teachings specifically not taking blood, contradictions they just call it new light from god. 3)how the system works. 4)144,000 go to heaven and they know it through dreams, but they also say god doesnt contact us by dream these days. 5)isolation from the world 6)the big one, i dont believe in god.

 

when i told my dad i dont believe in god, he just said we'll have to do a lot more studying. also note my dad use to be army special forces so i was scared when he tried to kick my butt.

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I immediately thought of a scene from the godfather in order to answer your question. When Jonny Fontaine comes to Don Correleone and starts crying because he might lose his job cause some guy hates him, then asks him what he should do...Don Correleone then slaps him accross the face and say, "for one, you can start acting like a man." I for one believe in the thinking of Don Correleone. Crying is fine for women and children, but as a man you should realize that crying does little to resolve the situation. As a man, you must think of what would be the best move for yourself to make, and do it with a clear head. Don't get me wrong, men can have emotions, very strong ones, but they realize that crying resolves little for you.

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I immediately thought of a scene from the godfather in order to answer your question. When Jonny Fontaine comes to Don Correleone and starts crying because he might lose his job cause some guy hates him, then asks him what he should do...Don Correleone then slaps him accross the face and say, "for one, you can start acting like a man." I for one believe in the thinking of Don Correleone. Crying is fine for women and children, but as a man you should realize that crying does little to resolve the situation. As a man, you must think of what would be the best move for yourself to make, and do it with a clear head. Don't get me wrong, men can have emotions, very strong ones, but they realize that crying resolves little for you.

 

Yea... crying does nothing at all....The Godfather...The solution to lifes problems

 

 

-XmF

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What we are using Hollywood to solve our problems now? God help us.

 

Back to the REAL world crizlee, if you've decided that you don't support that faith it is your right. Your parents can set down the rules that you have to follow in the house, but they cannot demand that you think a certain way. Inside you know what you believe and what you don't. You must make the decision you feel is right.

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That isn't hollywood, its based on the morality of many people in the REAL world...my best friend's family is a very traditional italian family, and they teach the exact same thing as that...my grandfather was also a traditional irishman, and he taught me the same thing...hollywood doesn't just dream up these ethics, they get them from the culture of people here in the real world, i just used it as a referance that everyone would be familiar with...the older generation that has taught me and my best friend had the whole concept right, they were tougher people, could take more, and solved problems with by thinking things through like a man, not by crying...nuff said

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Hey man, been there done that. I was a Jehovah's Witness for the first 13 years of my life. I won't go into the detail, but basically I have a lot of resentment towards my dad because of it. It's a very isolated religion and I grew up like a complete loner because of the fear that was instilled in me and how I can't associate myself with other's because they are wordly. My dad got disfellowshipped when I was 13 and now he acts like it wasn't even part of our life. My dad used the religion to control us and all that nonsense. Add to that that he was an avid heavy drinker on the weekend (still is), very abusive, etc. I have missed out on opportunties that other's had growing up because of the very sheltered life we led. I still get extremely pissed off thinking about it. Unfortunately, I've gotten good at suppressing my feelings and emotions, they'll probably come out in uglier ways later on in life.

 

But, now I've done the best I can to put it all behind me and work on what I can influence, and not something that is out of my control.

 

Just thought I'd let you know that you are definitely not the only that has had to deal with it.

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I'm sorry but I beg to differ. Hollywood produces entertainment, not lessons on life. Yes some of the stories are based on events in real life but you need to remember they simplify everything and manipulate the story to fit what they think will sell tickets.

 

Crying is biological. Its the body's way to cope. It has nothing to do with being a man. You cry, you get it over with, and life goes on. Nobody is saying cry every 10 minutes. But under extreme stress its still fine to cry.

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my dad just had a talk with me, he's become very reasonable and understanding now. he tried to kick my butt earlier because i threatened i would talk to the counselor and join the air force as a last resort... i was scared, he use to be special forces. they aren't goin to force the religon on me and i can live as me now. homecoming isnt a big deal really but not bein with the friends is.

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i disagree with you heartily avman...crying is not biological, it is blatantly a learned cultural event...this is why in the 40's people cried ten times less than they do now...and also why my friends who have emigrated from countries in africa, and even south american countries have never cried, even when they have lost a loved one...if it were biological, all people accross time and culture would cry the same amount, and with similar thresholds, and its just plain not true...all im saying is that i respect and agree with the cultures who shun and dont believe in a male crying

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Crizlee,

 

When you say kick my butt, you mean to speak seriously with you -- right? He isn't physically aggressive with you, is he?

 

As far as the religion -- I think that you should do what they tell you to do. You know in your mind that the religion doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but it is just their frame of mind and the way that they are teaching it to you that is making you with draw.

 

You can still go thru the motions of being a part of the religion since you are a part of the family and I think that yu can behave in a way that makes sense to you and to them.

 

Every single person in the world goes thru a time when their religion doesn't make a lot of sense to them, but it is the community spirit of religion and taking an interest in the spiritual needs of others that they are trying to teach you.

 

Do what you can to make sense of the religion, know that it isn't your own cup of tea, and make up your own mind when you have the freedom to choose, when you are off on your own.

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I'm glad you and your dad are able to be reasonable with one another, please keep your lines of communication open, no matter what religion you choose to follow.

 

As for crying, it is totally ok for a guy to cry. I've seen my boyfriend pretty upset and quite emotional - he's cried in front of me a couple of times. Does it make him less of a man? I certainly don't think so, and I can't imagine how tears would affect one's masculinity. Crying may not solve a problem, but supressing your emotions isn't going to help your mental health. Eventually it will all blow up, and it won't be pretty.

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Good more cake for me!!

 

Men and women have the same emotions over things. Men normally have more going on in their lives, so that they don't feel the need to sit through a soft-hearted movie or think long and hard about the good old days. Men normally are the ones that make other people cry -- south american men cry!! When their favorite soccer team loses!!

 

Women cry because it is accepted that they cry, they are more in tune with their feelings, and because of monthly hormonal changes.

 

Men do cry at funerals, when they feel bad about something that has befallen a good friend, or when they feel guilty.

 

If you feel that real men don't cry, what other emotions are you hiding?

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There is nothing wrong with crying....you are confusing it with a way of solving problems when in fact it a way of getting the stress out of your system. You can argue other cultures dont cry as much and thereforeeee its not biological, but some cultures and even some people of the same culture as us, just have higher stress limits. I got a friend that can handle about 10 times the stress levels I can.......tolerance is the individual thing, crying is a release once that tolerance level is broken.

 

If I didn't cry, I would probably end up breaking something taking my frustration out in a more physical way.....tell me which you think is the better solution. Personally I'd rather have a tear stained pillow than broken belongings.

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Cry if u want to. Its a male stigma when u were teens it was "sad to cry" and u would be mocked. So when i was younger i held a lot in. Now im older and my little brother and me have been hurt by girls recently and are going through some tough periods of our life and we openly tell each other we have cried about it. Weird really. I guess u just more mature these days and understand that it really is a way of releasing pain and theres nothing shameful about it.

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...crying is not biological, it is blatantly a learned cultural event...

 

If that were true, men wouldn't have tear ducts.

 

Yes, crizlee, it's perfectly alright for men to cry. Rather than thinking "real men don't cry", some need to realize that the "real men" are the ones who don't feel their masculity is threatened if they shed a few tears.

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There is freedom of religion in this country. You are also allowed not to believe in anything if you wish.

 

If your parents want you to adopt their religion, they are trespassing upon your rights. If your dad hits you for unreasonable reasons, he is trespassing upon your rights.

 

I don't know whether joining the Air Force is a good idea. You'll probably love it and get a great education. The benefits are incredibly good, but there is always the risk of war. That is the only disadvantage.

 

However, if you can, you should try to become independent asap (when you turn 18). Your family environment does not sound too healthy emotionally.

 

Take care!

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I was brought up that men don't cry. If I was caught crying when I was a kid, my father would hit me and tell me he will give me something to cry about. The more I cried the more I was hit. 3 years ago my father became sick and had to have open heart surgeory. After the surgeory he lost some of the vision in one of his eyes and he started crying like a little girl. I was disgusted seeing my father cry. I lost any respect that I had left for him on that day. I did make it known that he was no longer a man in my eyes. How do you preach what you don't practice? I feel awkward being around anybody that crying whether it is a male or female.

 

Anyway...I don't like any religion. Born agains interfered with my marriage and JWs just annoy me on the weekends. Anyway...it is good that you stand up for yourself. Thats a sign that you are becoming your own person.

 

Be Cool

DBL

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If I was caught crying when I was a kid, my father would hit me and tell me he will give me something to cry about.

 

Actually I was told this by my own father several times while growing up, but he never hit me. And I'm a girl. He still gets really mad when I cry, but I've seen him cry so I just let it roll off my shoulders. Gotta be careful what you teach your kids though...

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My friend used to preach to his son not to ever cry, he would get in trouble if he did cry. Yet I had to sit there and watch his father cry. I used to say to him, how do you yell at your kid for crying if you sit here and cry yourself?

 

I cut my face one time and needed stiches and my father smacked me upside my head because 1. I interrupted his tv show and 2. because he said I would not stop crying.

 

When I have kids I will clarify that they should not cry, but I would not discipline them if they did. I would at least tell them to go some place where nobody will see them cry.

 

DBL

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See, this is why it should be no big deal to cry. You feel bad, you cry, its over, life goes on. I see lots more problems from people being told NOT to cry and some painful memories being brought up from people who were punished for even daring to cry.

 

I think this also shoots a bunch of holes in the whole "Its not biological, its learned" theory. Otherwise these fathers who are punishing their kids for crying would never cry themselves.

 

Crying is a natural process. Rant all you want about how its not "manly". It doesn't stop the process from happening. Trying to stop it only makes things bottle up inside even worse.

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DBL wrote: I was disgusted seeing my father cry. I lost any respect that I had left for him on that day. I did make it known that he was no longer a man in my eyes. How do you preach what you don't practice?

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds to me as though the reason you lost respect for him and could no longer "see him as a man" wasn't because he cried -- it was because of the hypocritical way he lived his life. As you say, he didn't "practice what he preached". *THAT* may well deserve a lack of respect -- *crying*, in and of itself, however, doesn't.

 

See, this is why it should be no big deal to cry. You feel bad, you cry, its over, life goes on. I see lots more problems from people being told NOT to cry and some painful memories being brought up from people who were punished for even daring to cry.

 

I completely agree!

 

My dad also had parents who believed "men" didn't cry; and, you know what I've noticed? He has a VERY hard time working through his grief when someone close to him dies or something horrible happens, because he bottles all of his emotions inside him. When his aunt died (she was the woman who raised him after his parents died), part of him shut down. It wasn't until a few months later when he *allowed* himself to cry over her that he was able to face life and move on without her. (I know he cried because I heard his sobbing one night after we'd all went to bed -- he would die of total humiliation if he knew I'd overheard.) The night he shed all those tears was a noticeable turning point for him.

 

Crying *is* a natural part of living, and it *does* help us (female *and* male) work through our emotions.

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