Just want to leave this whole world

[Ishan]

I swear i will die as soon as possible. I promise that i will surely die very soon. I pledge. Now it is very late now no one can change my mind. Just waiting for a perfect timing. That perfect time can come at any time may be today or tomorrow or in a month but before 1 January 2013.

[Ishan]

I hate myself.

[nbr]

We don't hate you though.

I would like you to promise something else though. I would like you to promise that you will post here on Jan 1, 2013 that you are still here.

 

It will be a new year, with new opportunities.

-nbr

[iamkaylee]

Ishan my heart goes out to you, it really does. I wish there was some way we could help you more than just talking to you on here. Unfortunately, this is all we have but it is better than nothing. We don't hate you Ishan.

 

Your life is not all negative. You have found new friends here and people that do care about you. We want to help you Ishan but to do that, you must want to help yourself and you have to help us help you.

 

You are so young, the world is full of possibilities for you still. Sometimes we have to find our dreams in a roundabout way but we can have them if we really want to.

[Ishan]

I cant promise anything else expect this.

[Ishan]

You people cant help me because you dont know anything abut me. You might not hate me but i hate myself. No i life is seriously very negative. Its is on a very dangerous way. Now there is no way out. I dont want any dreams i just want that i should be happy or i should die. There is one day which i hate the most which comes every year and makes me angry a lot.

[iamkaylee]

Ishan all we can do is try.

 

We can listen, we can offer support and encouragement. We can give you our ideas and thoughts. I, myself, will promise you that I will be here on this forum and I will always talk to you through it. That is all we can do. The rest must come from you.

 

You do have the ability to change things. You can change what is in your mind and you can speak out to your parents. No, you can not make them change their minds but you can speak out as to how unhappy you are and you can ask them to hear what you have to say. You can remember that you do have friends here that care about you.

 

What is this day you hate so much that makes you so angry?

[Ishan]

If i try to speak to them they will kill me. They will became very sad if i tell them they will kill me. They will think that they were wrong in taking the decisions and i dont want that they should think that they are wrong. It is rather good to die instead of speaking to them.

 

That day is very bad day for me and that day is my birthday because on this day they show there fake love for me. They act that they care for me. Ha ha ha.

I just want that this day never comes to my life. This unlucky day a damned loser, ****ing person was born.

 

I never even thought in my past that one day this type of situation will come. That i would become like this. I sit alone and speak to my childhood photos that how have i became the life was so great in the past but now my life is just worst worst and worst. It is like hell.

[iamkaylee]

Ishan, sometimes people are wrong. No one can be right all the time, it's just not possible.

 

You should speak to them Ishan. They will not kill you and being wrong won't kill them either. Everyone makes mistakes and how can you learn if no one lets you know you are making a mistake? They will not know if you do not tell them.

 

They do care about you Ishan. Please talk to them and tell them. What can it hurt at this point for you to do this? I am asking you to do this one small thing. Please.

[Ishan]

I also want to tell about firstly i am afraid to tell. And in India going against your parents decision is like going against life and going against god. Rather i am already against god and life. In India always parents are considered right. They think that whatever they are doing there children should also do the same. Whether they have interest or not. Some parents are also like they ask their children what they want to become as they wish. If you want to help just tell me that how should i die or how should i cause myself cancer. I just love cancer.

[vesper]

People your age are at very low risk for cancer, sorry to diss appoint

[iamkaylee]

Ishan I understand what you are saying about going against your parents. I know that for you, this is nearly impossible to even think of. However, I will also say that talking to your parents about your feelings is not going against them.

 

Telling them that the yelling is hurting you does not go against anything, it is letting them know that you are hurting and need something from them.

 

If you tell your parents that you do not like law, do not understand it and so do not believe you will be good at it, but you will do it if they wish, is not going against them.

 

You are still doing what they want you to do but you are also making your own feelings known. I believe you can do this and still honor them.

 

Ishan, your parents will not know if you do not tell them. Please, I am asking you, to try. I know you are afraid but you can find the courage to do this. Your parents may be willing, but you will not know unless you talk to them and ask. Please Ishan, do this one thing.

[nbr]

Ishan,

Would that I could go there and stand by you for this, but I can not. Know that I (and I'm sure Kaylee and vesper) will be standing by you in spirit.

 

You sound like a very good man, who feels trapped. Kaylee is right, telling them your feelings is not going against them, not dishonoring them. If you tell them you do not like, nor understand law, they may surprise you and tell you that there are other things they would be happy with as well.

 

I recently found my old journal from when I was 16, while I was cleaning out my parent's house for other issues. It is painful, but I will quote part of it here for you:

I get to see (my GF, now wife) tomorrow, today has been hell. It seems I can never do anything right for may father, It doesn't matter how hard I try, or how little I try, it never is enough. I truly feel hate towards him.

Now, 20 years later, he and I are friends, and as I care for my dying mother, I also have to care for him, because losing his wife of over 50 years is too hard for him to handle on his own.

 

Ishan, reading that book brought back a flood of memories for me, many of them painful. But, it shows that I was very much where you are now, and in time, my life improved greatly. Have faith in yourself.

-nbr

[vesper]

(For some strange reason when I was suicidal, I wanted to get cancer too.)

 

You have a mental illness Ishan, I think you need treatment, I have problems with my parents too, they can be very strict. You should go to university.

[vesper]

 

 

for Ishan

[Ishan]

Thank you all for caring about me. But telling my parents that i dont want to do law is very difficult. It is10000000 times difficult than dying. I will try to do law but if i couldn't do then there would be nooption other than to die. This not the main problem about suicide. The main problem is that there regular scolding which hurts a lot. I have a very strong feeling about death now.

In past days they are scolding is increasing day by day. They cool down there anger on me but anybody tell me why i am been scolded. I control my anger as much as i can because my anger is very dangerous. When i get angry no one can control me. I am like a mad bull in anger. I dont want to become that because now if my anger comes out it will destroy all.

Past few days i cant control my anger much so i cool down it by hitting my head and hand on the walls. Yesterday i was very angry i was hitting my hand on the wall and after some time blood came my hand was bleeding and was paining alot. But i didnt tell anyone about my hand that it is bleeding. I hide my hand in my pocket so that no one notices. Today also it paining a lot.

[iamkaylee]

Ishan I am sure your parents have noticed something is going on with you. You stay away from everyone, your hands, your mood. They know "something" but they do not know what it is. This could be why they are shouting more and more. They won't know what is wrong unless you tell them. Talk to them Ishan. What can it hurt at this point? If I could, I would do it for you.

[Ishan]

No noone knows about what i feel or from what i am suffering from i dont show my feelings to anyone

It is burning me from inside.

I dont express my feelings to anyone. You all are the first and the last ones who know what i feel

[iamkaylee]

Ishan there must be someone there you can talk to. A teacher at your school perhaps. Can you go to a Temple, Ashram or even a Christian church and speak with the Sadhu or a Priest? They will not turn you away and they will listen to you. There is nothing to fear by doing this and you will find help there.

 

I truly wish you would speak with someone. I do not believe you truly wish to die but I do believe you wish the pain to stop. Please Ishan, you must believe it does not have to be this way. There is hope and help if you are willing to reach out for it.

[Ishan]

In India all the priests and all are fake. They have made a businees. And i dont trust in god so why the hell i will go to them for help. There is no one there for me. I cant tell anyone how i feel because there is no one who will listen to me. The pain in my heart is not controllable. Day by day i going far from my family. I hardly spend 1 hour with my family. In 24 hours daily i spend approx 10-15 hours alone in dark in a corner.

[nbr]

Ishan,

I met a doctor yesterday. She was a psychologist. She almost didn't let me go home because she's afraid I will kill myself too.

I understand your pain, in my case I've failed my wife and my children, I have been unable to feel like I've been a real man. You are still young, you still have so much ahead of you. I would like to make you a promise, but I want one back from you.

 

I will be going into treatment Monday, and I do not know when I will be out, I was told between 2 and 4 weeks, but possibly longer.

I have been told that while the plan is for me to come home every night, that may change.

If that changes I won't be able to talk to you.

 

I would like to promise that I will come back to this forum once I am done with treatment, and I would like for you to still be here for me to talk to.

 

-nbr

[iamkaylee]

Ishan I hear your pain and I feel it as well.

 

There is hope Ishan. Please, you must believe me on this and I think in some small part that you do. I promised you I would be here on this forum for you and I am here. nbr also has promised you this and he is here. You know we care Ishan. We are here and we are listening.

 

I will ask you please, do one thing for me. Call this telephone number 91-22-27546669 and talk. Please. If you can not call, send an email to this address [link removed[/email] Do this one thing for me because I do care about you.

 

I check this forum every day to see if you have posted something new. Every day you have not, I wonder if you are OK and how you are doing. Every day, I pray you will be all right. There are good people out there in this world that truly do care about others, even just a poster on an internet forum that is reaching out for the only thing, the only people, they believe they can.

 

We do care Ishan and we do not want you to die. We want you to live and be happy. Please, call the telephone number. There is hope. People will listen Ishan, we are here for you. Please be here for us.

[Ishan]

I know that u all care about me and i appreciate that. But he power in me to control my feelings and anger is getting full. If this cones out then sonething bad will surely happen and i dont want bad to happen. It can also make me a murder of my family that i sont want. So there is only one way to stop this it is that i should die and die these feeling forever. I am very fed up. I have lost my real smile and from few weeks some people have even noticed that i am not happy rather i am becoming sad.

 

I have sent an email but what had to be written in the email.

[Ishan]

And what can be done after sending the email what will they do.

[iamkaylee]

Ishan, thank you for sending the email. It makes me very happy that you did this. You will receive a reply.

 

The people who will receive it are people there in your country who can and will help you. Very much like us on this forum, they are people that will listen and try to understand. Please I will ask you to email them again and tell them what you have told us here on this forum, or simply include a link here to this thread in your email if you have not done either of these things already. Talk to them Ishan, please, give yourself this chance.

 

I know this is very hard for you right now. I know you are fed up. You say yourself, your real smile is gone and people are seeing how sad you are. There are other choices besides ending it all and dying. You must believe me when I tell you this. I believe in you Ishan. Please, call the number or continue emailing AASRA. Please keep coming here also. I look for you every day.