Just want to leave this whole world

[Ishan]

Day Night i always cry and cry because of my family. From the past years i am going far and far from my family. They dont think that i am a human being.

[iamkaylee]

Ishan if I was standing before you right this second I would wrap you in a hug and tell you I want to help you heal your pain. Sadly, I can not give you that hug in person but I hear you and I feel your pain. I am sorry.

 

I hate shouting and chaos. I need peace and harmony in my life. It is not fair that your family shouts at you and takes their anger at others out on you.

 

You say that you are not needed, but you are. You are a kind person and the world needs people like you. Even small, seemingly insignifigant things you have done have made a great difference to others.

 

You finding the courage to post here may help someone else that is reading. Perhaps that person will find the strength to carry on because of you.

 

Live for yourself Ishan. You are worth it. You are loved. You have found people who understand and will walk with you. You are not alone in the dark any more.

[Ishan]

Thank you very much. Everyday they all shout at me that hurts me very much. Everyday i think about only 1 thing that is end my life. I cant live in peace and harmony because of them. I always think about there happiness but they dont care about me. They dont know how much they hurt me. You are saying that i should live for myself but i cant because my dreams are worthless. I am not important for them. They only love there daughter not me. I think i am not there real son i am adopted. I am going mad day by day. I cant even express my felling with anyone because no one cares about what i feel. I am very badly hurt by them.

I am very depressed and i am in a lot of stress. I cant even concentrate on my studies. I cant even sleep properly in night.

[Ishan]

I dont want to live.

[Klokwurk]

Other people have felt the type of pain you are describing, and they have come out the other end. Everything you are going through, it is building towards a greater purpose. What that purpose is exactly, you dont know now, but you will know one day... One day, you will feel the warmth of a girls heart, the love of friends you dont know yet, and the joy of the connection to this world; the world loves you so much, you just dont know it yet.

 

Please dont take yourself away from it.

[Ishan]

I dont have a girl in my life.

[Ishan]

I dont want that any girl enter into my life because my life is ruined and it is hell and i dont want that the girl`s life also get like this.

[iamkaylee]

Ishan, the world is often a cold and unforgiving place. People like you bring warmth and kindness.

 

The yelling is so very hard I know. It brings you down, and makes everything so difficult. I know it seems they do not care for you but believe me Ishan, they do. Why do they yell at you so much? Is your family having hard times right now that could be causing stress?

 

Tell me please, what are you studying? Are you going to university?

 

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[Ishan]

No they dont care about me because no parent shout at there children. They only shout at me not my there daughter which clearly means that i am not there real son i am adopted. No they are very happy they are in no stress. They enjoy there life very much but they cant see that how much i am depressed and in sooo much stress. I am very sad and unhappy.

No i am not in a University.

Daily i spend 5-6 hours alone away from my family.

Daily i spend these hours thinking of how to die.

Should i leave my house and live far away from my family ?????

[iamkaylee]

Oh Ishan, all parents shout at their children sometimes, but this does not mean they do not love them or that they are adopted. My parents shouted at me often, usually because I had done something I knew was wrong or I had forgotton to do something. I did not like the shouting but that was their way, it was what they knew how to do because their parents shouted at them also. I remember feeling much the same as you do, that they did not love me or understand me.

 

When I had my own children, I determined not to shout so much at them. It did not always work, there were times when I did shout, but I tried very, very hard not to and did the best I could.

 

It took me many years to realize that my parents shouted not because they did not like me, but because they had high standards for me. They wanted me to do well in life and be a great person. Their expectations of me were much higher than what I what I myself wanted. I suspect this is the same for you especially as their son.

 

I do not think yet that you should go and live far away from them. Where would you go? How would you live? But also, this is not good you spend so much time away from your family and alone every day. Tell me please, what are some of the things they shout at you for? Have you tried to tell them you do not like all the shouting and it makes you feel very bad?

[Ishan]

I will go far away or to an orphanage. I have listed some of the numbers of a orphanage too. I can live without them because staying away from them i will be happy. It is good because whenever i am with them they shout at me. Its better to stay away as much as i can and remain alone. I dont know i if they are in a mood of anger then they come to me and then start shouting. If they scold me for something i have done then its okay with me but for no reason that is not okay.

I cant tell them if tell them they will again start shouting. I always care about others and others happiness but no one care about me how if feel. I have always tried to keep my parents happy but they dont want that i should make them happy. I care about them a lot but they dont care about me. My dreams are waste of time. My dreams are not important for anyone. For there dreams i am sacrificing my dreams day by day. I also care about there dreams. But i cant sacrifice all my dreams. I want that there dreams come true but i also care that my dream should also be true. I only need 1 dream of mine only and only 1 dream. not more than that. If this 1 dream comes true then i would be very very very very very happy but they dont care about my dream.

I know that they want that there dream should come true but i only want 1 dream of my own which i know that what i want. It is very simple and there is no need of money in that. It only needs a yes. I always remain in my room sitting alone and speaking with my room and sharing all my feelings.

Living in an orphanage would be good for me also and for them also. If i die they would be very happy. They would go and enjoy a lot. They will open wines to celebrate my death. They would be as happy as they are in heaven.

1 dream which i want can change my whole life.

Every day i just think about how to die.

I can tell you many incidents which are happened with me and have changed my life forever.

[Ishan]

Sometimes when they shout they shout so much that they also dont know what they have said which totally brokes me and my heart very very very very very badly.

[nbr]

Ishan,

What is your one dream?

 

I have a dream too, it may not come to pass, but that is of my own doing.

 

I know how it feels to be yelled at. My father would tell me that he wished he had a daughter instead of me. It is very hurtful inside, yes. I was often sad. I would sit with my animal friends and talk to them, because they would listen, and could not tell others of what I said.

 

We are here for you, and you have gifts yet to be discovered for the world.

 

I would very much like to hear about your dream.

-nbr

[iamkaylee]

Ishan, I love this that you have dreams! Dreams are the stuff of life. Never give up your dreams! They may change by coming to us in a different way or in a different time from what we envision, but never give them up. Dreams are never a waste of time.

 

Tell us, please, what is your one very special dream?

 

I promise you this, your parents would not celebrate your death. I lost my own daughter when she was only eight years old. We were very different and while we did not always like one another or get along, I loved her beyond measure. A part of me died with her and I still grieve for her. Perhaps she would be married and I would have a grandchild by now. No Ishan, never think your parents would celebrate. I promise you, losing you would create a wound in their hearts that would never heal.

[Ishan]

My parents want that i should do law and become a lawyer but i dont want to be a lawyer at all. I hate law. This is my only dream that i dont want to be a lawyer. This is my first and last dream. But it cant be true because my parents would not allow this to be real. I think my father also want 2 daughters not any son thats why he dont love me. I sit in my room alone for 4-6 hours and i talk and share my feelings with my room. I am not afraid also that anyone would tell about my feelings because all the things in my room are non living expect me. Expect this dream i dont want any dreams. But if i can wish for one thing i would only wish for my death. I die as soon as possible. I always give up my dreams no one cares about my dreams. Dreams are always waste for me forever. You cant promise me because you dont know my parents how much they hate me. They hate me a lot. It is sad that you lost your daughter but my parents are not like you. My parents will always celebrate my death. My death is a pleasure for them. Losing me would not hurt them at all. They only have a heart for there daughter. I am not important for anyone. I am hurt a lot by there sayings. I have become a like a stone. i always think negative about everything whatever anyone says i cant think positive at all. I hate them when they love me. A fake love. I have many things which from which i can hurt myself badly.

[iamkaylee]

So, they want you to become a lawyer. It does sound like they want great things for you. This is the way of parents. We all want our children to be more than we ourselves are. It is sad your parents are so rigid in this. I believe that sometimes parents get so caught up in their dreams for their children, that they forget the child. This, I think is what your parents are doing. I wished my son would have chosen differently but he is doing well at university and that is all I can ask from him. That he be a good man and work hard.

 

Ultimately, when you are a grown man yourself, it is your decision what you shall become. I understand that is easy for me to say and not so easy to do, especially in your culture. What would you like to become? Is it something your parents would not like, or are they so determined you will become a lawyer that will not consider anything else?

[Ishan]

I dont say that i dont care about there dream. I care a lot. But i am not able to understand law and i dont want too. I want that there dream comes true.

But they should have asked only once that what you want to become. They didnt asked me once. That hurts me alot. When i have sacrificed all my dreams then i can sacrifice this also for there happiness. They only want this because some of there friends children are also lawyer. They dont see that some of there friends sons are not lawyer. I know that i cant do law thats why i dont wan

[Ishan]

I dont say that i dont care about there dream. I care a lot. But i am not able to understand law and i dont want too. I want that there dream comes true.

But they should have asked only once that what you want to become. They didnt asked me once. That hurts me alot. When i have sacrificed all my dreams then i can sacrifice this also for there happiness. They only want this because some of there friends children are also lawyer. They dont see that some of there friends sons are not lawyer. I know that i cant do law thats why i dont want too be a lawyer. Someone never asked me what i want to to become so i never thought what i want to be.

[iamkaylee]

Well Ishan if you don't like law, really don't want to do it and can't understand it, then it would be foolish of them to try and make you do it. There is not much point in wasting time and money for you to learn law if you will not succeed at it. This is something you should tell your parents. But first, I think you should think of what you might like to do instead. What are you good at and what do you like to do? Fromvthere you can figure out what you might like to become.

[Ishan]

I tried to tell them but they didnt listen to me. I want to work in a company or i want to be a manager in a company or in a hotel. But i can sacrifice this only for my parents happiness. I love my parents a lot and i dont want to hurt them at all. Thats why i want to die for my parents happiness. Whenver i try to make them happy i always hurt them rather. So i dont want to live and hurt them

[Todd Pham]

I've read most of your story. My input is just to pursue what you want to do. Yeah, your parents will be upset for awhile but so what they will eventually get over it over time. It's your life, you will have to live with the consequences of your decisions not them. Killing yourself won't make anybody happy and it won't accomplish anything.

[Ishan]

Expect killing myself i have no other option.

[Todd Pham]

There's always other options. It's whether you decide to choose them or not. Yeah those other options might seem difficult or almost impossible right now. But never give up hope.

[Todd Pham]

Try this exercise:

 

The Buried Alive Exercise

Here’s a cool exercise you can try that will help motivate you to live every day like it’s your last and could possibly change your life. It did wonders for mine.

Lie down on the floor on your back. Cross your arms on your chest and put your legs together – like you would lay in your coffin.

Close your eyes and begin to relax. Take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Allow yourself to really relax and let go of all the tension you have built up inside your body.

Now, imagine that you’re at your funeral – as if you died last week. Vividly imagine this – from the funeral home that you’re in, to the pictures of you that people are being shown, to the funeral program, to the color of the flowers that people have brought. Make this more real than your most vivid dream.

Who’s at your funeral? Just your family, or have your friends decided to show up too? What does everyone look like and how do they feel? Are they sobbing because they miss you so much, or do they seem a little more ambivalent than they should?

When it comes time for the eulogies, what will people say?

 

What kind of person will they say you were? What kind of impact did you have on them? Don’t be afraid to be honest when you imagine their speeches.

Will they say that you lived every day like it was your last, that you always had a smile on your face, that you were dependable, honest, fun to be around, a smart worker, loving, a great friend? Or will they say something like, “Well, truth be told, he wasn’t at his (her) best all the time… He could’ve done better with just a bit more effort…”?

Think of all your greatest dreams – whether it’s to travel, to open a business of some sort, to have a family of your own, to have a great job, to live in a nice city, to go out more often, or to conquer the world (just kidding!) – have the people who are giving you eulogies reflect on them. Did you sell yourself short and not go for any of your dreams because you always thought that you weren’t worthy? Or have you always been chasing for your dreams, except your untimely death prevented you from realizing them?

Which one of those are you?

Think of all the regrets you have – the things you’ve wanted to experience the most in life but never got to – and make everyone talk about them and constantly harp on them again and again. Let the pain of regret sink in. If you’re doing this right – or have a lot of regrets – you might start to cry. That’s fine. That means that you have an incredible desire to live.

As people wrap up their eulogies, if you have any other qualms about your life, let them be voiced. Now, we don’t want to kill your self-esteem or anything like that (so we don’t want people to insult you!), but we want them to inspire action in you.

Imagine the ride in the hearse and the pallbearers taking you out to the grave site. Right before you get lowered into your grave, push up with your hands with all your might, breaking the coffin door open, and let out a scream to let everyone know that you’re alive. You want to be feeling the energy inside your body, the energy that makes you want to never have a funeral like that.

Instead of people remarking how you almost reached your goals, how you almost made your dreams a reality, and how you almost were a great friend or family member, your mission is to lead a life that will compel people to say that you did reach your goals, made your dreams a reality, and were a great friend and family member, a true gift to be around and a light for all of humanity to emulate.

By the end of this exercise, you should feel inspired enough to do that. Remember: the pain of regret is a terrible, terrible thing. It’s the worst thing in the world. You should live so you can avoid it as much as possible.

[Todd Pham]

Also watch the movie the 3 idiots, I think it applies to your situation here.