New gf w/ kids spending time out w/ ex and kids

[Mike d]

Just started dating a girl who has two young kids with her ex. They recently broke up, about six months ago. Everything is going good between us but she spends a lot of time going out with her ex and the kids. She says things are over between them and she only goes out with him because she doesn't trust him alone with the kids. For example, she's going out with him tonight to a hotel to take the kids swimming. She's going to spend the night there with the kids and he's going to go home. She says she doesn't trust him to watch the kids right. They're two and four. And The other day she spent the day out with him shopping for the kids. She even went with him to his parents house for a visit.

 

I don't what to do. Should I let this continue? Would I be an ******* if I told her I don't like her spending so much time with him?

[Batya33]

If you don't trust that she's doing this for the kids you shouldn't be dating her (and same if you can't understand her perspective on being a mom of young children).

[camus154]

Run away, and fast.

 

a) they just broke up--6 months is nothing.

b) her excuse is ridiculous. She's going to have a hard time raising these kids if she doesn't trust the father to be a father. And you'll get dragged along the whole time.

 

And this business about swimming at a hotel? Huh? They're getting a hotel room so they can use the hotel pool? That's certainly the most creative way I've ever heard to go swimming.

[Klokwurk]

Run away, and fast.

 

a) they just broke up--6 months is nothing.

b) her excuse is ridiculous. She's going to have a hard time raising these kids if she doesn't trust the father to be a father. And you'll get dragged along the whole time.

 

And this business about swimming at a hotel? Huh? They're getting a hotel room so they can use the hotel pool? That's certainly the most creative way I've ever heard to go swimming.

 

LOL, yes, that is the best one yet.

[pippy longstocking]

Run away, and fast.

 

a) they just broke up--6 months is nothing.

b) her excuse is ridiculous. She's going to have a hard time raising these kids if she doesn't trust the father to be a father. And you'll get dragged along the whole time.

 

And this business about swimming at a hotel? Huh? They're getting a hotel room so they can use the hotel pool? That's certainly the most creative way I've ever heard to go swimming.

 

what he said ...

 

I wouldn;t go anywhere near someone who thinks this is acceptable ...the ex is an ex for a reason.

[pl3asehelp]

Run away, and fast.

 

a) they just broke up--6 months is nothing.

b) her excuse is ridiculous. She's going to have a hard time raising these kids if she doesn't trust the father to be a father. And you'll get dragged along the whole time.

 

And this business about swimming at a hotel? Huh? They're getting a hotel room so they can use the hotel pool? That's certainly the most creative way I've ever heard to go swimming.

 

Our family went on a trip with another couple with kids a few months back and this couple basically did this - picked a hotel just to use the gross, crappy pool. I'm amazed at the things some parents want to do.

 

OP - I wouldn't get involved. 6 months is too early and like someone else said, she needs to trust him. If she doesn't, well that's something she needs to work out through the court system regarding custody - NOT the way she's currently doing it. Beware.

[Mike d]

Thanks for the help ppl. Everyone pretty much confirmed what I was thinking. That i shouldnt allow this behaviour to continue. But I really do like her and I'm not ready to give up on this relationship just yet. I want to give her a chance. I just don't know what I should do next...

[Me and myself]

I just don't know what I should do next...

 

Just show some self-respect and finish that relationship.

[superfan]

It's simple: While you can't expect her not to spend time with the ex if they have children together, you CAN expect that time spent together to have some boundaries. Sleeping over at a hotel with an ex simply because you 'don't trust him' to properly care for your kids is a pretty flimsy excuse.

 

If he can't be trusted with the kids, he shouldn't have any visitation rights - period. You can't put demands on her (or you will seem like a controlling jerk), but you can tell her what is and is not acceptable limits for YOU while in a relationship.

 

I would sit down with her and just say "This is how I feel. I realize there will be times when you have to spend time with the ex and the kids. However, I feel it crosses my own personal boundaries if you are staying the night with him (in ANY context), or spending time with him without the kids present. I don't know if I can stay in this relationship if you don't respect that."

 

Let her decide from there.

[Mike d]

Thank you for your help tvnerdgirl. I'm gonna do that. And I should make it clear they didn't spend the night together. He left them there for the night and went home. To use the pool you have to actually rent a room there.