Inlove with a man..Can't seem to let him go! What's wrong with me????? Help!!

[PP11777]

Hi everyone,

 

I need help, major help. I dated this guy for over a year now. We've been on and off. The guy let's call him Mr. P, he was married before about a year and half ago. He and I started dating a couple of months after he annulled his marriage. It's been a roller coaster ride with him. We constantly fight about committment/marriage. I am a 34 year old woman and he's a 34 year old man. I obviously want to get married, and I want to marry him. We've been doing this for over a year now, it's natural to want to take that step with him. So we always have these fights about committment and we decide to just let it go because he has told me that he NEVER wants to get married again because his experience with her was so bad. So after these fights we let each other go for about a month and then I end up calling him and wanting him back, it's like a cycle.

 

So we broke up a week ago again, and I called him and we talked. He told me he can't give me what I want and I deserve a guy who can give me marriage. He said if he didn't care about me he wouldn't be saying that. I feel like he's pushing me away, he told me he didn't have feelings for me like that but when i told him to be honest with himself and me he told me does have feelings for me but we want different things and we're not on the same page. He said he has to try to let those feelings for me go because we don't want the same things. But when i'm with him I know he loves me, I can feel it. I feel like he's trying to kill those feelings for me. What should I do? I love him so much, that I don't want to let him go but he wants me to let it go because he's so traumatized from marriage and may not ever want to get married again. I am so inlove with him though that when I try to let him go, my heart starts hurting again and I immediately go right back to him. I feel stuck in such a horrible place right now. I'm inlove with a man that will never commit to me and I feel like i'm selling myself short but I just don't know how to let him go. I know he loves me too, but he's so emotionally scarred that he won't let himself be with me. I am so hurt right now, I don't know what to do. Please help me. Any advice would be much appreciated.

[PP11777]

He also blocked me on facebook and gchat because he said he doesn't want to see other guys posting on my wall. My best friends tends to post a lot on my wall and Mr. P thinks he wants me. He also questions everytime I go out if gave my number to anyone or talk to anyone. He grilled me about it last night. If he doesn't care then why do all this??

[camus154]

This isn't about him not loving you or not caring about you, it's about him not wanting to be married again.

 

You want what he doesn't want....therefore, you're incompatible. You ARE selling yourself short by refusing to accept the reality of the situation. Let him go. It's not a matter of "not knowing how", it's a matter of dealing with the grief that comes from a break up.

[PP11777]

I've tried dealing with the grief and somehow we always end up where we started. Things go okay for about a month and then the fighting about marriage starts again. If he really loved me, I think he would want to marry me. I know I need to let it go, but I just don't know how....and how is it so easy for him to let me go?

[camus154]

I don't think you're really listening, OP.

 

He doesn't want to get married. He told you that from the beginning. Now you're turning that into whether he loves you or not.

 

Regardless, even if we go with your logic, then fine--he doesn't love you. Move on.

[PP11777]

I know what you're saying, and I know you're right but it's very difficult to do. How do you move on from someone you love so much and want to be with so much. Do you think there's a possibility if I completely left him that he'd realize what he had? I know I can't hold on to that but I can't help but think about it..

[camus154]

It's not a matter of "how do you do this" but rather, how do you cope with the pain and heartache. And the answer to that is, you just do. There's no magic recipe to make breaking up easier. You're 34....presumably you've experienced heartache before. Only time will really take care of this.

 

But what you can do to make things somewhat clearer--if not easier--for you is to recognize why this needs to be done. You and him simply are on different pages. No matter how you feel about each other. It's sad, but it happens. Try viewing him with a sense of gratitude and let him go, for both of your sakes.

[PP11777]

That's exactly what he said, he said he'll miss me and I said if you're gonna miss me then why can't we be together and his response was we're on different pages, what's the point. I have experience a break up before, I dated a guy for 6 years and he didn't want to get married either. I told myself I was never going to look back and I let him go, 5 months later he did come back to me and wanted me back and said he wanted to marry me, but it was too late and I no longer wanted to go back into that relationship. There were other problems in the relationship. I know with time I will get over it and the pain will eventually go away, I just don't know how to handle it when I get the urge to talk to him or see him. We also have mutual friends so it's hard for me to hear about him. It hurts me to think of him with someone else and it sickens me to think about being with someone else. I don't know how to make these feelings go away. He's moving to Atlanta in February, so it might be easier when he leaves.. I feel nauseas and sick to my stomach... I know I can't change him but I just wish and hope one day he'll realize what he gave up..

[sharky988]

OP, I'd take the very sound advice given to you by camus154.

 

I also happen to agree with you -- if he really loved you, he'd probably agree to marry you, if only to keep from losing you. I think this is probably why it's easier for him to walk away, because he's not as invested emotionally as you are.

 

Think about it -- don't you deserve to be with someone who wants to marry you as much as you want to marry him? I've been married, and I can assure you it's hard enough when BOTH people are fully on board. You don't want to be pressuring someone into making that kind of commitment, especially if you're thinking of having children together. It has to come from him as well, he has to WANT to be with you and want to make it work.

 

I'm so sorry, but it seems pretty clear that this man doesn't want to commit to you. He'd probably enjoy keeping you in his life until he does meet someone he wants to commit to -- but don't you deserve better than that?

 

I'd walk away and face the pain of going NC. Block him on Facebook and stop communicating with him and telling him what your plans are. Nobody enjoys the process of breaking up, but the sooner you face the reality of this situation and end it, the sooner you can be over him and meeting the man who IS the one you'll be marrying!

[markie6]

Camus is spot on , sadly you want different things in life, you might love each other but he doesn't want what you want. Marriage is a big thing to some but not all. It's not everybodies goal in life to get married and have kids etc.

[PP11777]

Hi Sharky988, thank you for the advice. Everything you said is correct, and I do believe if he truly loved me he'd commit to me. I think the previous marriage was really traumatizing for him. He pretty much said he will NEVER get married. But what confuses me is 3 weeks ago he was making future plans with me. He was saying where we would live and how many kids and how I need to learn how to cook etc. So why say all that if he has no plans of ever marrying me? He once told me that he doesn't think I could let him go and that he knows i'll always come back to him...this really made me mad! I am a highly educated and attractive woman and any guy would be lucky to have me, his arrogance really bothered me. I just feel like he's giving me mixed signals!! Even last night he told me he has feelings for me... why the mixed signals??

[PP11777]

Thank you Markie6, I know Camus is right...I'm just tired of the mixed signals and it really sucks that we have mutual firends and they talk about him, thus not letting me forget...

[sharky988]

He's playing you and giving you mixed signals.... because IT WORKS.

 

He has his cake and eats it, too. He never has to commit to you. He probably enjoys having you around, and he probably has great affection for you, but obviously he's fine with losing you. Someday in all likelihood he'll meet someone and settle down with her. However, it will never be with you.

 

PLEASE act like the highly educated, attractive woman you are and don't let this clown waste anymore of your time! At 34, you don't have years to waste on people like him. Google "future fakers" -- because that's what he's doing everytime he gives you lines about "learning to cook", blah blah blah....

 

Drop this guy and get out there and meet someone worthy of your time and affection!

[markie6]

Yeah mutuals friends can really do some damage , sadly they either end up being a help or a hindrance. You know what you want , he won't give it to you and as much as this is hurting you now, long run you're going to get what you want. Somebody who wants the same as you. So chin up keep smiling and heal as best you can. Any mutuals who need to much reminding that you're in pain etc, are frenemies and you may need to distance yourself from them if they won't be minful of your feelings

 

I had to let somebody go, who was desperate for children and I know how hard these situations can be

[Ms Darcy]

Honey you have 34. IF you want to get married and have kids you better start moving on asap.

[FrenchFries]

Stop wasting your time. This man has been very clear about not wanting to get married. Accept that and stop pleading to get back with him. So he once talked about the future - that doesn't mean he wants to marry you. People have kids and live in houses and all kinds of married things without actually getting married. Best to stop contacting him and move on.

[Lateralis]

Can I ask something?

 

I'm not trying to be rude or downgrade anyone's values or anything, but why is marriage so ridiculously important? You stand in a building, a guy says some words, you put jewelry on each other, you eat some cake, you dance, and then you get a piece of paper. Why does that have to happen in order for you to want to be with him?

 

Not trying to be cynical, but have you seen the statistics for how many marriages end in divorce these days? In my own opinion, with what I've seen from friends and other people I know, a lot of marriages end up ruining otherwise great relationships.

 

I don't see why you need that ceremony and that piece of paper to be happy with someone. I mean, what if he wants to live with you? What if he loves you with all his being? What if he would never even come close to thinking about doing anything would ever hurt you? What if he wants to spend the rest of his life with you? BUT... he just doesn't want to get married. Sorry, I just don't understand why you'd give up on someone when he doesn't want to get married after a year, especially after having a recent divorce.

 

Just my two cents.

[PP11777]

Thank you Markie6, I just hate people telling me what he's up to and seeing some of my facebook friends become friends with him, he knows the whole world. Do you think he may realize someday down the road what he gave up?

 

MsDarcy, you are absolutely right. I do want kids and I know I need to realize what my goals in life are and forget about him. It just hurts because I wish i was having kids with him. He would have been a great father. I just wish i was already over him. I can go a month without him and then I start missing him so much and call him. then the whole cycle starts again.

[markie6]

Do you think he may realize someday down the road what he gave up?

Nobody knows the answer to that and best not to even think about it

[PP11777]

Lateralis, I guess it's because i've never been married and it's something I want. I guess also marriage symbolizes a deep committment to each other and i've never wanted to have a child without being married first. I know what you mean, I know a lot of people who get divorced and if I got divorced I probably wouldn't want to get married again either unless I met someone who I was sooo into. Marriage to me just means a deep committment and I want someone to make that to me. And I would have thought after the way we get along and are together he would have made it to me. When people see us together, it's like I finish his words and he finishes mine. We watch football together, we're like best friends, I feel like it's such a shame that he can't committ when we're obviously so good together.

[Lateralis]

I see what you're saying, I understand where you're coming from, but we're just not going to see eye-to-eye on this. I think him not wanting to be married is not him saying he doesn't want a strong commitment to you. Divorce is still fresh in his mind and you have to respect that. He's afraid of it. Divorce is not only a major strain emotionally, but financially as well. He does not want to go through that again.

 

I don't think you need a piece of paper and the label that goes along with it in order to be committed to each other. Also, you never know, later down the line he may decide that you are his perfect angel and that he's 100% sure he wants you forever, and he'll change his mind and marry you. You never know.

 

I get the advice that others are giving you, and I'm not disagreeing with them necessarily, but I think that if you really believe you two were perfect together then you have to make a decision. What's more important? The status of being married, or him. That's your decision right now. You need to come to a conclusion on what you value more, and if it's him, reach out to him and try to make it work.

[PP11777]

I'm sure Divorce is hard, i've never been through it so I don't know what he went through. He never even really went into the details of what happened. The only thing he told me was it was marriage was supposed to be forever but it broke up and she changed after they got married. He literally walked out and got the marriage annulled, he left all the furniture with her. He literally just left. So i can imagine it's hard. I do think one day he will realize what he had and will regret it. Hopefully i'm with another man by then, I don't want to wait around for someone that may never come back and realize how great we are for each other.

 

I might be open to being patient and waiting for him, but he may never come around. I could be open to not marrying either, if he made that deep committment to me, but it's funny because when he sees that his feelings are getting deeper he starts backing off or starts some dumb fight with me. Or will tell me about some other girl, he basically pushes me away. I just think he's emotionally scarred, i've spent one year trying to get over those scars, I just don't know if i can do anything else for him. I love him like crazy, and can't imagine my life without him. It sickens me to think I have to be with someone else.. I feel the worst when i'm out drinking with my friends and come home to an empty place and start thinking about him...that's what led me to call him last night. My friends and I went out for wine and I was a little drunk and then called him

[DieTeufelKatze]

OP, I was in a very similar situation around 4 years ago. I was dating a man who had never been married but had a young daughter from a previous fling (an "oops" pregnancy), and he had commitment issues. I dated him for almost two years, off and on, but mostly on. What it came down to is that I knew I was about to turn 30 and eventually wanted to settle down and have a child - and I don't want to have children without being married first.

 

This guy didn't see himself getting married anytime soon. He has such deep commitment issues that I had been only his second real girlfriend in his life (his other was when he was in high school/college) and he is the same age as me. After awhile, he had never even told me he loved me, but it was apparent he had strong feelings for me... we had many mutual interests and were best friends too. I stuck around but after a almost two years it was apparent that marriage and kids was just NOT going to happen with this guy. We were not on the same page.

 

I finally left him in Oct. 2009 and didn't look back. I didn't speak to him (even though he was at my workplace with his mobile business 1-2 days a week!), and I met my current husband in late Nov./early Dec. 2009. I started dating my husband sooner than I would have preferred after a breakup, but I had come to terms with leaving my ex a few months before we actually broke up, and although I was still in the grieving process, managed to get over it while I was dating my future husband (I DON'T recommend you get into a relationship so soon after a breakup, but the connection with my husband was so strong when we happened to meet, that it ended up working out anyway). I think dating while I was still getting over my ex prolonged the grieving process, so that's just one of the reasons why it's not a good idea. (I've only just NOW stopped thinking of him frequently... 3 years later).

 

ANYWAY - The key is, NO CONTACT with your ex. It hurts... like crazy!! I had all the same thoughts as you did when I finally ended it once and for all with my ex - I just could NOT understand why my ex wouldn't want to get married to me when we were SO compatible and had such a strong bond. But I finally realized that it just wasn't ever going to work out with him - we wanted different things. That's the bottom line.

 

You can and will find someone who wants to marry you (as I obviously did, shortly thereafter), but it's just not going to be this guy. At least, not before your biological clock ticks out in your forties and you can no longer bear children.

 

Best advice is what everyone else is saying - move on. It sucks but it'll get better with time, trust me. I've been there.

[PP11777]

Wow DieTaufelKatze, thank you so much for your advice. Your situation sounds exactly like mine. What kept you from looking back? I have left him before, it usually lasts about a month and then I go back to him. What finally made you NEVER look back? You're absolutely right, I basically have about 10 years before my biological clock ticks out. I need to move on and find the right guy, and I know he's out there. I just feel like my heart hurts when i'm not with this guy. I need a way to never think about him.

 

I've been through heartbreak before, i dated a guy for six years. I just got so sick of his crap because he wouldn't marry me that I left him and didn't look back. I think what helped me was I thought about all the negative things. 5 months later he reached out to me and wanted me back and wanted to marry me. I didn't want to go back because i knew our problems would surface again. The issue with the current guy is he's perfect, treats me well, would make a great father etc. but he's so scarred by his previous marriage he won't even let me in. In all honesty he has not said I love you to me either. I say it to him but he never says it back. I know he does and i know his feelings are strong, but he never says it. When i ask him about it he says he's not emotional and a man doesn't say that.

 

I need to know how you finally decided you were done and never looked back? That's what i need to do...

[DieTeufelKatze]

I think I finally realized that if he really DID love me, he'd say it. I think perhaps you, like me, have mistaken a strong connection with "love," when the fact is, if he truly loved you he'd show it in his actions. He'd tell you. He'd want to marry you.

 

I think his problems probably stem less from the divorce and more from having serious commitment issues. My husband had only been separated (well, it was the second separation of their marriage, he'd tried to get away a few years prior but she reeled him in with their son being her bargaining chip) from his ex wife of 9 years for 4 months when we met. He finalized his divorce a month after we started dating. His previous marriage was always kind of a sham - his ex wife latched onto him and got "oops" pregnant with my stepson a year and a half before he married her (because he's a good guy and wanted to do the right thing). So by the time he got divorced he was LONG over their (horrible) marriage and had been ready to move on for several years. The fact that he's divorced held NO bearing on his certainty of wanting to marry me. We'd been living together a year before we got engaged.

 

So I don't think his issues are all centered around his prior marriage, it has to do with his intrinsic fear of commitment, and the fact that he's probably not as into you as you think. Sorry that's kind of blunt, but it's probably just as true for you as it was for me and my ex. I realized that he wasn't as into me as I was into him, that was part of the problem with our imbalanced relationship.

 

My husband? I could tell immediately that he was just as into me as I was him. It was obvious. And he told me he loved me 5 months into our relationship - shortly before we moved in together. And the rest is history.

 

You can see how a man feels about you by his ACTIONS, not just how compatible you are. You can be super compatible and have chemistry, but if he's not telling you he loves you and if he flat out tells you he doesn't want to get married, believe him.

 

I let go and never looked back because I realized that I'd built up my ex and our relationship a lot in my head - when I looked at the facts and how he would send me mixed signals, etc., it was obvious that I was in an unhealthy dynamic with the guy. He just wasn't that into me.

 

And I knew that I deserved someone who told me loves me, wants to marry me, wants to have kids with me... and my ex didn't show any of those things. I knew I deserved better. I focused on what I wanted and told myself I wouldn't find it with my ex, so I HAD TO stop talking to him, because he would just reel me back into the dead-end, go-nowhere relationship I'd been in with him for the last year and a half. It just wasn't ever going to change. I repeated that to myself every time I felt the urge to contact him. He's a jerk who didn't love me, and only wanted to have his cake and eat it too... to keep me around but never fully commit to me. Never even tell me he loves me.

 

I decided I wanted it all, and my ex would never give me that.

 

I also read these two books until they fell apart at the spines:

 

"The Commitment Cure: What to Do When You Fall for an Ambivalent Man" by Rhonda Findling, M.A., C.R.C.

link removed

 

Focus on the "Know When to Fold 'Em" chapter, since it's clear that's the best option for you now. This guy has made his feelings about marriage clear, and you're better off leaving.

 

and

 

"He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol

link removed

Focus on the chapters/sections dealing with leaving a commitmentphobic relationship.

 

The reason why it is so hard for you to leave a commitmentphobic man is that he can't commit EITHER way... not to you, but he also struggles with committing to NOT being with you. The only way to leave a commitmentphobic relationship is by YOU deciding that it is over. You need to be clear on this with yourself or you'll always find yourself going back to him. It's hard, but obviously it can be done (living proof right here).