oh dear

[archiep]

okay i have been an idiot. Basically went on holiday with girlfriend and on first night we had a row. Not a common thing as we never had that many, just unfortunate it was first night of holiday. Anyway one thing led to another and altough it wasnt violent or anything else she ended up getting another room for that night to calm things down.

The following day i was peed off cos she had got another room but also ashamed cos i could see that i had really caused the argument (no fault of hers, just some things on my mind at home), so i stayed out of her way and didnt answer her texts. Now i remember saying through drunkeness the night before that it was over and i was going home, stupid i know. She took this at face value, was scared and decided to go home herself.

 

So that was result, she came home on 2nd day. I was totally distraught for making her leave and out of m mind at what she must have gone through on the journey home. Anyway that was 5 weeks ago. When i got home i did nothing but apologise, probably too much really, cos have now come over as being a bit of a pest to say the least. In the first week she said she was too angry to speak to me. Since then she has said she cannot decide if she still wants the realtionship, and when i have asked outright on several occasions is it over, she has said she does not know yet, only repeating on several occasions that she needs space

 

We have met once in that time, last week and she again said she did not know. What she did say was that if she didnt think there was any chance with us she would definitely tell me its over. Now the waiting is really hurting. I could understand her wanting to end it, and would accept it, but the confusion is why she is taking all this time and if its over why does she not tell me so i know where i stand.

 

Am i being too impatient ? If she has no intention of coming back, surely it would be kinder to let me know rather than keeping my hanging on 5 weeks ? Or is it a sign that she may come back given time- i.e surely she would not keep me hanging so long then decide to tell me it is over after all ? I have a feeling that i havent helped by keep pestering her for an answer. I have only really left her in the last week not texting or contacting her with my worries and questions, the other first four week i was on to her nearly every other day. But i thought that the longer you leave it the harder it is to get back, and now am wondering if 5 weeks just is TOO long for her to come to a decision.

 

Is she likely to come back, or are the signs not good ?

 

So many things going through my head thats its difficult to see the light here. im even getting paranoid there may be someone else, and have confronted her with question a couple of times but she nearly blew up and reacted badly the first time and second time she refused to answer saying she was offended even by the question.

 

We have been together 7 months and she really is the love of my life. She has said even since we got back that she loves me and misses me, but all this time away just makes me insecure that maybe she doesnt miss me that much

 

the worst thing is i have only read today in these forums about the NC rule, so although i can start applying that now, has the damage already been done and i have pushed her away already ?

[sunfirechick]

Stop contacting her! If she said she would tell you when it's over, and hasn't yet, then there is still hope. She needs space, give her what she needs. If she calls you, tell her that when she is ready, you would love to talk to her because you want to work this out. Don't be pushy but make sure she knows how you feel about her and the relationship, but only once she calls you. She will contact you, give her time. Pestering her is only going to push her away, so just keep yourself busy and do not call her! Take this time to think rationally about what you feel and what you are going to say to her when you do talk.

[SuperDave71]

I believe you need to leave her be....for now. I know you hurt, I know you want her back but you must find your backbone and love her back to you....

 

You had a heated argument....you said some things you didn't mean because your ego was at risk.....]

 

 

Stop apologizing to her. Don't call her. Calm down....take a few deep breaths. Think of why the row happened? What did you say or do that made her feel the way she did or does? She is hurt because she DOES LOVE you. That is a given. Stop pushing.....leave her alone. You showed her a side of you she has never seen and it scared the #%@(*@ out of her. You need to relax and let her come to you. ANyone that apologizes toooooo much isn't sincere or are trying to manipulate the other in believing they are sorry. Leave her be for now. If she calls, be friendly. Do not say I am sorry. Tell her you realized how she feels and that you wanted to give her the time necessary to think about things because she means that much to you.

 

Be strong and relax...

 

 

You can do it!!

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[boomer1619]

what is row

[avman]

A row is an argument

[archiep]

Okay , taking your advice about no contact, been 2 weeks now. Thing is my GF works at the business centre which takes my business calls. Sometimes they ring me with messages. How do i approach this if shes the one that rings. Should i just be friendly and business like full stop, or throw in the odd comment, i.e "nice to hear your voice" or something along those lines which shows i still care without seeming needy

[SuperDave71]

Just be yourself.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[archiep]

is it natural after 2 weeks to start having doubts as to how u left things, and maybe thats the reason shes not calling. eg, the last thing that happened is i sent her a text saying i would say goodnight by text every night whilst she was thinking about things. She replied saying "please dont, its pressure to make me answer, it was a nice thought though". But i never replied to this txt, i just did want she wished. Maybe i should have replied saying ok no problem, and she now thinks i arent talking to her cos i never sent a reply.

 

I keep thinking now that even though ive said i would give her time, shes naturally stubborn and maybe she just wants a "hi" txt from me or something to start the ball rolling. Or maybe after 2 weeks of NC she is too scared to contact , as she may think IVE moved on.

 

Is paranoia setting in i think to myself

[SuperDave71]

Archiep,

 

Your mind is getting the best of you. A long time ago, I would stress so much over an ex and worry and not eat...wonder what she was doing and who with..etc etc.the fact is you have NO idea what she is thinking or her intensions. You can however influnce them in 2 ways.

 

1.) You can pressure her.

2.) You can love her from a distance

 

 

Its a good thing you didn't respond to her. It woudl tell me that you are listening to her.

 

If you call, text, IM, o contact her in ANY way..she will see this as pressure..NO MATTER WHAT YOU INTENSIONS...she will see this as un-needed pressure. Take 2 steps back and let her get her head and feelings right....

 

Remember this.... Love is like a shadow..if you run after it..it runs away

If you walk away from it, it follows you.

 

 

 

-Be strong

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

 

 

 

 

.

[archiep]

dave, you are a rock and thank you. Thank God i found this forum, cos i would be persistent with the pestering if not and youre right she would have probably god that fed up i would have my "answer" by now.

 

 

Its just so hard having no contact after 7 wonderful months. Not as if we were on a rocky slope, everything was great until that night and i know she loved me dearly. The last 5 weeks , i.e that night of argument and the 3 weeks pleading followed by 2 weeks NC has been like watching a horror movie from outside my body. I just want to press rewind and get back that moment before it all went wrong. Thats why i have been panicking i think, plus with everything being almost perfect before, its a shock to the system for things to be how they are now. Its like a knife in the heart to know that the girl im wanting to get back is in reality still sitting in the bar on holiday where we argued and that the one at home is a different person now.

 

I just hope that she hasnt changed her opinion too much of me and that my initial pressuring and turning into Mr Needy hasnt put her off me for good. Thats the worst thing not knowing how she feels now and wondering if time is making her think breaking up is for the best. I tend to think too much and analyse things really, assuming that all that goes through her head are those last bad moments, and nothing else and thats why she wont contact me because all she has now is a bad memory, and shes deliberately blocking out all the good times. Why would someone do that unless they wanted it to be actually over ?

[SuperDave71]

Ask yourself this Archiep...

 

 

What can YOU change about her? NOT a thing!! Not one thing!!!!

 

What can you do to change you and your situation? This is something you have control over. We want what we can't have naturally. If you try to "call to check on her" it is not seen that way through her. It is you crowding her. You need to let go for now and give her exactly what she wants. This is a very loving, compassionate act. You must however grow and learn what you can do to better yourself while away from the relationship. Try not to ask yourself the 3000 questions of why did she say, do, act etc etc that way towards me. We can ask why all we want but it solves nothing.

Use the time you have, I know its difficult. I know its almost impossible NOT to think of her yet you must try. Start a journal when you feel like telling her something. By writing out your emotions, this should help you to maybe sort out alot of confusion as well.

Work on you for now and let her be herself ....this also allows her to miss you as well.

 

 

Be strong,

 

 

SuperDave71

[archiep]

okay heres an update. Went into my business centre to pick up my mail, and guess who is on reception. my ex GF. So i just act natural and polite conversation, and amongst business chat i say "hope u r doing okay". She answers "yes im okay but missing you, hope u r okay too"

 

I leave, trying not to read anything into this

[SuperDave71]

I am sure that was difficult. It sounds as if you did very well under the current circumstances. You must remember, resolve the PROBLEMS and try to understand that being with someone does not make the hurt go away. It's still there. Never take your love for granted... Be strong my friend. I know you are hurting. I know she is to but be strong for you both and try to become the man she needs you to be. Be the man YOU need to be for yourself first. Everything else will fall into place..

 

Never force something that isn't meant to be

 

 

 

 

-Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[archiep]

Swingers the movie, never a truer word was spoken :

 

"You can pretend to give up, but somehow a woman knows the exact moment when you have actually given up, only then does she come back"

 

So after nearly 3 weeks of NC, i am sitting down at my laptop, with the full intention on writing a letter to my ex stating that i will willingly "close" the matter myself, rather than being left in limbo for ever. Similar to the letter of Trish -

link removed

 

In other words, an act of love for both our sakes.

 

Its the hardest thing i ever want to do, but i woke up this morning feeling she would never come back.

 

Half way through this letter my ex phones, small talk to start with then the jawdropper :

 

EX GF : Was wondering if you would like to go for a drink on Saturday.

 

ME: Stunned silence. My heart is crying YEEEESSSSS from the rooftops, but my head is saying listen to Super Dave, listen to Enotalone. My mouth however is saying nothing, just nothing, not maybe, not yes, not no, just nothing. For what must have been 30 seconds i could not form anything that would have sounded remotely like the english language. The silence was so profound, at one point she thought we had been cut off. Eventually an "errrrrrrrrr" comes out of my mouth, as if im debating a wine from a never ending wine list.

 

 

EX GF : You understand we are not going back to the point we left off, but its just a drink, to see how we get on. You can think about it if you want and i'll phone tomorrow.

 

ME: Okay that would be nice.

 

 

Someone pass me some beta blockers in time for Saturday

[SuperDave71]

Archiep,

 

 

 

I want you to listen carefully. First and foremost I want you to understand that I do NOT have all the right answers, The advice I give is based on a "take it or leave it" basis. The fact your ex called after 3 weeks of NC is GREAT!! Now, let do what I do best.....let's look at the facts.

 

 

1. She called you after 3 weeks of NC

 

2. You are still crazy about her

 

3. You REALLLLLY want to go for drinks

 

 

What have you learned from this forum? What do you expect to happen if you go? What do you think you should do in the situation?

 

 

What I am getting at is YOU have to make the next move. She handed you the ball so to speak. She contacted you. Another point to understand is that YOU don' want to go back to what it was either... You want it to be BETTER than ever. TAKE IT SLOOOOOOOOOOW....

 

She is in a state of "Fight or flight"...... If you gush and talk about "US" she is liable to run from you instead of TO you. I think in all honesty you should decline the invitation....tell her you appreciate it but your not ready. OK, I know your saying "Dave, are you nuts? I love this woman!!" My point is YOU need to be in control!! You need to let her pursue YOU.......She will expect you to say yes ..TRUST me on this one....

 

Maybe you could tell her to call you in a few weeks if she wants but you just don't feel ready to see her. I will bet you 20.00 american dollars she will call more often than not. I would keep converstaions on a minimum and YOU should be the oe to end them....NO 30 min converstations .... Make them brief....Let her come to you.....Let her prove that she misses you. Let her start to worry that You are gone...

 

BE upbeat, smile when you talk ( yes, I said smile) Let her feel as if you are perfectly fine.

 

I am not saying play games! I am merely saying do not come around so easily. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS... You want this to work...Let her prove to you that you are worth fighting for. I wouldn't talk about the past....let the past be the past. Most of all....if you DO choose to see her...smile.......smile and laugh......then smile some more...

 

 

I gurantee that she has been thinking of you smiling when she dreams at night or even when she day dreams of you two...she sees you and misses that smile.

 

 

Be yourself and BE STRONG!!!! WE ARE BEHIND YOU!!!!

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

SUperDave71

[evy38]

I'm sorry Archiep, but how long are you supposed to be punished for starting one row? Has she ever said anything harsh to you? Are you or she thinking you're never going to fight again? Is she going to leave every time you fight and can you live with that? Sorry babe, but I think it's time for a serious talk. Jusy my opinion.....