To Reach out...or not

[Guitarguy_82]

Hi guys

 

Wow...it seems like forever since I've been on this site...just months ago I was on here religiously as if my life depended on it. You all definitely helped me during a dark time.

 

So...I'm thinking about reaching out to an old..."friend". This friend is (was?) a good female friend of my ex (ok ok I know red flag right away...but bear with me a while) and we had something of a spark in terms of connection. Turns out I had more in common with the friend than with the ex. We shared a lot of the same interests and had a very similar outlook on things. We were able to have interesting dialogues and enjoyed the back and forth banter.

 

Some history:

 

After the ex and I split (for various reasons, completely separate from this friend), I initially did not want to have contact with anyone...but this friend and I still talked here and there and became texting/Facebook buddies of a sort. This goes on for maybe a week.

 

A few months go by...I had stopped talking altogether...and she pops back up and texts me. Joy ensues, and I basically tell her that I'd like to remain her friend but only with the stipulation that the ex is not involved whatsoever. I want no connection to her and feel that she deserves no connection to me. Said friend agreed to this and we leave it at that...

 

A few more months go by with silence...and she pops up again via text. Joy ensues...so on and so forth...and then we go silent again.

 

Today:

 

It's been about 5 months since we last talked and I'd like to reach out and get in touch. I have no idea where she is, if she still has the same phone number, if she's even still alive. (I have her blocked on FB...along with everyone else connected to my ex, for my own sanity).

 

So there's the dilemma... To contact or not. I'd like to outline a few bullet points before you respond

 

-- Best case scenario: We hit it off again and can text and talk about all the random things we used to goof about from before and remain friends (which is what I'd like). Possibly hang out when I visit Texas again.

 

-- Worst case scenario: She is still close with the dreaded ex, possibly is communicating everything I say to the ex, and is pulling me along for the ride. OR, we become friends and I inadvertently learn things about the ex that I did not want to know.

 

-- "Meh" case scenario: We chat a few times, share a few laughs, I tell her I've moved away and will probably never see her again, we go our separate ways. So long and thanks for all the fish.

 

Secret motivation: Given the right circumstances, I can envision a situation where I date her as a serious long-term relationship. This is irrelevant right now though, since I recently moved to Georgia for a new job and have no plans on going back (to Texas) any time soon except for family visits.

 

Other things to consider:

1) We were involved in a few drunken make-out sessions (along with the ex).

2) She is about 8 years younger than me (not a big issue to me, but we are definitely in different places in life).

3) I may have (through the passing of time) built her up in my head to be bigger than something she really is (always dangerous).

4) She and the ex were very close before I ever entered the picture.

5) I have a history of obsessing over things and thinking too much about implications and outcomes. I'm still working on this.

 

So there it is....what should I do?

 

My initial reaction is (as I do with most of my old short-term friendships) to do nothing and simply go out and try to make new friends. Being in a new city I feel like its my job to go out and be adventurous and meet new people and see what happens. As inherently shy and introverted as I am, I try to force myself to be social. Through that, surely I will meet someone similar to this friend of my ex that I seem to want to connect to so badly.

 

Then again, of the people I've met so far...none really compare to her (see point no. 3 above).

 

On one had I could be over-thinking this way too much and I should just do it. There's no right or wrong, just experiences. If we hit it off again, great. If not, okay. I'll still live. Lately I've very much had a "go with the flow" attitude about things...so this seems to be the likely case.

 

On the other hand I haven't thought about it enough and I'm sub-consciously protecting myself against finding out about my ex second-handedly (Yes, I'm still dealing with negative thoughts towards the ex).

 

Your comments are welcomed.

 

Thanks for reading!

[RedDress]

Wow! A very well thought-out thread.

 

I don't think you should. Why?

 

- Your feelings on your ex are not neutral (as they end up being over time) - they are actively negative to the point where you don't want to hear about her, want nothing to do with her, etc. Let's say the best scenario happens and this "friend" tells you that she always liked you blah, blah, blah... well... it's not really right or fair to put her in the middle. Your ex WILL come up. You have to be ok with that. Asking her not to be friends with her or not to talk about her is unfair.

 

- It's not realistic. You have moved away.

 

I've moved away from "home". It can be a little bit lonely at times. When you don't have a lot going on, it kind of forces you to look at your past because you are not busy with your today or future. I really think that's what you should be concentrating on. I can be like you... a little shy and introverted... how about joining a volunteer group of sorts? This way, you are doing something productive while getting to know people. It's a lot less intimidating when you have a secondary purpose to be somewhere and it's a great way to get to know people and get involved in your community. I think that's what you should do.

[Guitarguy_82]

Thanks, RedDress. Great response!

 

I agree...I should focus more on what I can do here and now and see what positives can come out of it. (It has taken me a looong time to even consider that things could actually have a positive outcome, btw).

 

Any yes, even in the best case scenario, I can see how it would ultimately be unfair to the friend. Best to leave it alone I suppose. The past is the past for a reason...

 

I've been looking at volunteering lately actually. I'm looking forward to getting involved. Force me to go outside my element