When we argue, we have opposite emotions... are we alone?

[xmrth]

When me and my boyfriend of nearly 5 years argue, I care so much and am hurt, even over small little things.

He doesn't seem to care one bit, and is able to go about his day, not even caring.

A similar situation we have is if I were to not call him, he'd be fine with it. If I don't hear from him, I am hurt, I'm sad, depressed, etc.

 

Sometimes I wonder if it means he doesn't like me?

And now I'm wondering if that's just "how he is" and if he is not the only guy like that, and I'm not the only girl like this?

 

I can't imagine someone being able to be like that and still "care" because I look at myself and know I care about everything that happens.

 

Please give me some insight on this, it's hurting me.

 

And yes, we've talk about it. It doesn't change anything because "that's how he is" and "this is how I am."

I am confused by this.. I think it's because I care so much and he doesn't seem to.. I don't know, I'm looking for advice

[sweetpea4670]

I have the exact same problem with my boyfriend of two years. When we fight, I'm depressed and I mope around and think about him constantly, but he has no trouble going about his business and immersing himself in other things. Like you, we've talked as well and he says that it is just his personality and he gets upset when I doubt that the cares for me or loves me. I'm always the one calling him as well because I miss him and it really bothers me that he doesnt think of me enough to call when we've had a fight.

 

I know how much it hurts, but I think maybe we're both very emotional, passionate people and our boyfriends are not? Lately I've gotten a lot of advice in my relationship and I've decided to withdraw a bit (spend more time on myself, with my friends, etc.) to make him take me for granted less. I really think that me not chasing after him all the time will make him realize how much I mean to him and will make him curious and interested in what I'm doing. I've resolved to not call him for awhile but only talk on the phone when he calls me, and also to wait until he makes plans to do things on the weekends instead of me calling him ASAP friday night to make plans. I really think this is gonna work, but it'll definitely be really hard to be less emotionally involved for a little while. Hopefully it'll make him come to me. Maybe you could try that, since talking to them doesnt work for either of us. Actions speak louder than words. Good luck

[ReadyorNot]

My bf and myself are EXACTLY like the two of you!!

 

EXACTLY!!

[ReadyorNot]

Ive also thought about doing more things on my own, or with my friends so that he will realize what I mean to him... he totally takes me for granted as well.... My guy now lives with a buddy of his (he was living on his own) and I am finding now he is spending alot of time at home with his buddy.. before he would call me right after work and say I should come over, or he will be over after his shower... but now, he calls me after work and he says he will call me later... I know ( i think) its just so he can see what his buddy is up to (they have been living together for 3 weeks now).... in the last three weeks he has not called until like bedtime to say goodnight.. meanwhile I have waited all night for him to call when I could have gone out with friends or done something time consuming at home...

 

I just cant help waiting for him to call... but I want him to miss me and not take me for granted anymore... I dont call him.. when he lived by himself he didnt have a phone, but now he has his buddies phone.. I hate calling people as it is.. so I am scared cause I know the buddy will answer.... and that guys gf calls every friggin 20min so I dont want them to start talking about me, like they talk about her

[OceanEyes]

No, you are not alone on this one. I used to be exactly like you are; get very hurt and angry over a fight and not be able to concentrate, while he seems to be going about his day normally and not caring one bit. Most of the time I would have to start dialogue if I wanted to resolve anything either.

 

That all changed though. Now, when my boyfriend and I argue/ fight about something, I stand my ground if I really believe that I am right. Before I would have apologized and started crying, was a total mess! Now when we argue about something, I simply maintain my points. If he refuses to see them, I leave the room or the apartment and go about my day. If he calls from work, I don't pick it up. I simply act the exact same way that he used to, and it seems to drive him nuts.

 

This of course will sound almost impossible, but if you try to act like you don't give a crap, it will eventually drive him crazy. It will make him chase you. Right now, your boyfriend knows that he has the upper hand with you - what I see going on between the two of you is a power struggle, which HE is winning. Try to switch it around, and the next time you argue, simply walk away laughing like you could care less. It may take a while to sink in (sometimes it takes men longer to catch onto the power switch, lol), but I promise you that he'll love it that you stand up to him.

[xmrth]

In a way, I am happy to know I'm not alone.

Thank you all for the responses.

 

I am in the process of trying not to show that I'm hurt or upset, and am going to try acting just like him with the communication and other things.

[sweetpea4670]

Oceaneyes,

 

Great advice. I'm curious though - I know you said that in arguments we should hold our ground and leave if he refuses to resolve anything, and then let him come to us. I was wondering what advice you'd give just in general if I'm trying to not always be available and around and chasing after him, feeding his ego. I'm trying to do this in the hopes that he will eventually yearn to want to spend time with me and be as romantic as he used to be. What I'm wondering is, to what extent do you think this would be a good idea? When we're together, should I act not quite as interested, or is it enough just to spend less time with him/not call him, etc?

[OceanEyes]

sweetpea,

 

Well I can't guarantee that what works in my relationship will work in yours, especially since you're 16 and I'm 24 (so is my boyfriend). I do however, remember my boyfriend when I was around 16-17 being pretty similar in certain ways to my current boyfriend.

 

I've always found that with any boyfriend I've had - not to show a lot of emotion or act like you really care about what you're arguing about. I used to be like that, but I got over it because I realized that acting that way was giving him power over my emotions. I felt helpless and began hating myself and feeling like a prisoner.

 

What I'm wondering is, to what extent do you think this would be a good idea? When we're together, should I act not quite as interested, or is it enough just to spend less time with him/not call him, etc?

 

I can't say exactly because I'm not sure exactly how your relationship is. I can say this though: do not give him more than he's giving you. So let's say that he is withdrawing from you and acting like a jerk. Don't chase him and call him. Go out with your friends and don't give him the satisfaction of knowing how much it affects you. If he sees that you are not going to chase him around anymore, he will question his own actions and start chasing you. If you argue about something that you feel very strongly about, don't give in and become emotional - stand your ground and show him that you have respect for yourself and your opinions.

 

Good luck!

[lady00]

deleted.

[sweetpea4670]

I've been trying to follow the advice on this thread because I had an argument with my boyfriend wednesday night. I was telling him how scared I was about our relationship when he goes to college and he got very upset with me and told me that he doesn't want to talk about it (he never wants to talk about it...) because it's such a long time away and it's "f-ing ridiculous" that I want to talk about it all the time and "ruin the night".

 

I got very upset because this is something that bothers me very much and scares me and I was just trying to talk to him about my feelings and he completely freaked out on me like he always does. I don't quite understand why. I ask him and he says "because it's so far away"...but why does that make it off limits to talk about??? Anyway, then he went into this thing about how insecure I am about everything and how my insecurities are ruining our relationship. I told him that I'll admit that I do get insecure and I acknowledged that yeah, it might be affecting our relationship. I told him that I needed his help to get over my insecurities and I'm sorry that it's causing so much conflict. Instead of being sweet and loving about it, he just continually got mad at me and I didn't know what to do. Shouldn't he be understanding about these issues abe help me feel secure?

 

At this point, I was so upset that I left and drove home instead of crying and apologizing to him like I usually do. This was wednesday and today's friday, and I haven't talked to him since. I'm always the one that contacts him after a fight and apologizes and this time I'm determined not to be. It's been two days though and he still hasn't contacted me. This is so hard because it's friday night and I'm so curious to know what he's doing and why he hasn't called me yet. It's driving me crazy, so I'm going out with some friends to hopefully get my mind off of it. I don't know what I'll do if he doesn't call by tomorrow, but I've decided that I will not give in this time because things have to change in our relationship. When he calls, I'm planning to tell him that I'm upset with him and unless he's planning to talk to me and apologize for disregarding my feelings, then I don't feel like seeing him. This is the first time I've stood up to him like this and I'm terrified of how he'll react.

 

Sorry, this isn't really a question I guess, I just needed to vent and see if anybody sees my boyfriend's point of view on this and can help me understand what he's thinking, and also if I'm doing the right thing with him right now by not contacting him? Thanks in advance.

[xmrth]

My boyfriend is the saaaame way. Things aren't like that anymore, though.

 

It is so hard-- but just drop it. Trust me. Put it behind you and cross that bridge when you get to it.

As for the insecurities-- it does affect the relationship as you've realized, and you've just got to either get over it, or pretend that you aren't insecure about things. At least try it for 2 months.. maybe it wont even take 1 month until things will get better, because you know they aren't by you bringing it up, you know?

 

btw, maybe you should make a separate post so everyone in the forum can see it and give their input to you.