Mr_LFA Posted September 8, 2012 Share Posted September 8, 2012 I was just thinking the other day about this: Do you think dumpees need to understand what it is like on the other side (i.e. to have dumped someone and they're wanting you back), to give them the 'best chance' of getting their ex back? I'm just wondering because my ex is now regularly contacting me to meet up etc., after a period of time that I haven't been initiating contact and since moving on with my own life. Now I feel as though I'M the dumper. Link to comment
bw92116 Posted September 8, 2012 Share Posted September 8, 2012 You were dumped, and now they are contacting you. Do you want to get back together with them? Link to comment
markie6 Posted September 8, 2012 Share Posted September 8, 2012 That is how the dynamic works , the time apart can create this sort of opportunity, now when you rebuff their advances , chances are you will then be the dumper in their eyes, and likewise you will be seeing it from another point of view. In the same way somebody who is forced to dump somebody often feels like the dumpee. Or you get tricked into dumping somebody... procede with caution, it sounds like you are doing ok I was just thinking the other day about this: Do you think dumpees need to understand what it is like on the other side (i.e. to have dumped someone and they're wanting you back), to give them the 'best chance' of getting their ex back? I'm just wondering because my ex is now regularly contacting me to meet up etc., after a period of time that I haven't been initiating contact and since moving on with my own life. Now I feel as though I'M the dumper. Link to comment
Mr_LFA Posted September 8, 2012 Author Share Posted September 8, 2012 You were dumped, and now they are contacting you. Do you want to get back together with them? No, not really...I really didn't like who I was when I was with her. Link to comment
Mr_LFA Posted September 8, 2012 Author Share Posted September 8, 2012 That is how the dynamic works , the time apart can create this sort of opportunity, now when you rebuff their advances , chances are you will then be the dumper in their eyes, and likewise you will be seeing it from another point of view. In the same way somebody who is forced to dump somebody often feels like the dumpee. Or you get tricked into dumping somebody... procede with caution, it sounds like you are doing ok That makes sense. Yeah I'm doing well and I'm happy being single right now and spending time with friends and enjoying hobbies. Link to comment
leftme Posted September 8, 2012 Share Posted September 8, 2012 How long broke up and why? Link to comment
Mr_LFA Posted September 8, 2012 Author Share Posted September 8, 2012 How long broke up and why? Just over 2 months now. We were fighting a lot of the time (she was living with me). Link to comment
Streetbob Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 Just over 2 months now. We were fighting a lot of the time (she was living with me). I've said it in other threads and this is what I believe: I would be suspicious of any advances from a dumper after such a short time - in this case just 2 months. I honestly don't believe that it is enough time to change their mindset. The relationship was obviously broken in some way and I don't believe that this length of time is enough to have fixed it. I believe that if reconciliation is possible, at least 6 months are needed apart - but probably more like 12. My advice would be to avoid mind games and stay in NC SB Link to comment
kam Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 I agree with SB. The longer the time apart (with growing and self-independence) the more successful reconciling will be. There are times where I've been wrong but I wouldn't count on it if it was only a 2 month separation. Link to comment
Ezzie Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 I agree with SB too... real change takes time and i'd say anywhere from 4 or even 6-12 months is a good amount of time to spend being independent and making positive changes in your life. Link to comment
Chinafish Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 No, not really...I really didn't like who I was when I was with her. Sorry to crash your thread but that just struck a chord. I didn't like who I was with my ex and I never would be my authentic self if I were with him. Weird. Link to comment
Chinafish Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 Also....... SB is a ledge. IALWAYS listen to what the Bobster has to say. Link to comment
nates1984 Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 Everyone seems to be jumping on the 6+ month bandwagon in regards to an acceptable time frame before reconciliation is possible. Every relationship is different, and thus the window for reconciliation is going to be different for each relationship. General rules are a good thing to stay away from in your romantic life. Judge each situation separately. Link to comment
Streetbob Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 Every relationship is different, and thus the window for reconciliation is going to be different for each relationship. General rules are a good thing to stay away from in your romantic life. Judge each situation separately. This is true but in my reply I did say that this is what I believe. Reconciliation is possible at any time - but my point was that in the short term, a sudden change of mind may be a red flag moment rather than the slow gradual realisation that your ex loved you after all. SB Link to comment
Mr_LFA Posted September 10, 2012 Author Share Posted September 10, 2012 Thanks for the replies. I don't really have any desire to reconcile with her at this point in time though (even though I still care about her). I think the toxic relationship + trying to deal/help with her problems, damaged me too much. Link to comment
Mr_LFA Posted December 27, 2012 Author Share Posted December 27, 2012 So I'm STILL getting regular phone calls/texts from her to 'catch up'. She (still) says me misses me, but I don't have any desire to get back together with her at all. I have basically told her this straight out too and it's getting to the point where this is hard for me to deal with so I don't pick up the phone if I know it's her. I got this text from her which I can't really make sense of: "I just want to know why you never wanted to love me"...why do I feel like I'm being manipulated here? Any thoughts would be appreciated. Link to comment
maggieMAE Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 Because you are being manipulated. She's using guilt to try to get you to talk to her. I have no advice of how you should handle the situation, but that would piss me off. Link to comment
JJ2980 Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 Actually it might not be a manipulation. In my darker days I began to question whether my ex really loved me when we were together. Logic and common sense kicked in, though, because I realised that yeah she did at one time and that it was genuine. Your ex is probably still going through the motions of heartbreak - when your feelings are all over the place. I would go NC. As long as you keep responding she won't start the healing process she needs to in order to get over you. Link to comment
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