I work with my ex -any advice

[jr71]

We were together for 3 years - he was the love of my life. We broke up once because he couldn't move forward - got back together.. and a year later it is over for good. Not only did I love him madly but I truly liked him - he was my family. It has been 3 months and I am actually starting to have my good days - when I don't wake up with anxiety - the feeling like a fist is in my chest. Mostly though, I am constantly thinking about him - missing him. We work down the hall from each other. I can go about 7 or 8 days and then I loose it. I know he is down the hall - I don't want to lose the connection - I start to sweat and i call him. He tells me he can't be in a relationship right now and he loves me - I hang up and cry - but in a sick way it makes me happy because at least we are still connected and i know he still loves me. The rational me really knows nothing will ever come of this - but it's so hard. I try to avoid him and can do so for a few days - and then there he is in the elevator - and it's like the wound is ripped open.. I don't know how I am ever going to heal. Any advice from anyone?

[lost_puppy]

jr,

 

Sounds a little like my situation ... I live in the same building with my ex. She dumped me and made it clear that there's no way we would get back together ... so that probably made it easier for me to realize that I need to move on. I've initiated the standard "no contact" policy (mostly because I know that technique works for me, but also because you'll find many people on this forum strongly recommend it ... see the link in my sig), and it's actually been pretty easy to avoid her so far (1 month). Actually, today I ran into her roommate in the laundry room, but it was a quick "hi, how're you doing, bye". I don't know what will happen if I actually run into my ex... I do understand what you mean by having a wound ripped open when you see your ex in the elevator ... I guess there's no good way to avoid that (can you take the stairs instead? I actually ended up using the other staircase in our building because it's farther from her door...)

 

If you know that things will not work out between you two, then for now I do recommend you try to avoid all contact, resist calling him, etc ... it'll help you heal faster and maybe afterwards you'll be able to contact him in a more rational way and start a true friendship. But that can't happen right now because there are still too many emotions involved.

 

And perhaps don't rule out the possibility of changing jobs? Or maybe a nice long vacation?

 

Good luck, and keep posting.

 

LP

[crisisback]

I see my ex literally every day. Running into her in all my classes, i just sit away from her and get out of class before her. Or at least try to, i'm still not ready to talk to her. The one time i did talk to her in my discussion class (which i don't go to anymore because of the incident) I was pretty mean and wasn't myself. It ruined my day, just try to avoid the person. And if you do see them just walk away or if your in the mood just say hi and leave it at that. Don't try to talk to them until you're really ready. If your ex tries to talk to you let your ex know you're not ready to talk or your bound to do something you'll regret later.

[pineapplegirl]

Ouch, been there myself... It's hard when you lose your partner in general and it hurts more that you lost your partner to what sounds like just bad timing and circumstance. Working with him makes the pain go away briefly and makes it a million times worse, all at the same time. When i was in your position, I thought I'd be able to get thru it, but I couldn't stand seeing him even TALKING to women platonically. It tore me up too much. I stepped back for a second and knew that if I didn't quit my job, I'd get fired because I spent too much time fixated on him that I wasn't doing my job well anymore. So, I quit. And, even though I still second guess it, I know that in the long run I'll be happier and healthier-even though rightnow I'm unemployed.

[jr71]

Decided to take a vacation -thought I would run away from my problem for at least 4 days even read "don't call that man" on the plane. I only cried once when I was away. I didn't even have that feeling when I got back - like I had to call and share it all with him. Got to work today - he tells me how much he missed me - wanted to hear all about my vacation - and that he called me last night to see if I got home okay but I wasn't home - he did't leave a message. I started telling him about the trip - I was all excited - and as I spoke I could see the look on his face - I think he was getting nervous he started backing out of the office - he said I really can't chat I just wanted to know if you had a nice time. I told him he was giving me mixed messages - he said what mixed message?? it's not like I want to get back together I just wanted to see if you had a nice time. This is also after I said to him last week - I need to try no contact for a while - for a month - it's something I need to do for myself. He thought that was foolish - doesn't understand why we can't talk. I told him I can't be friends with you and then have you tell me you met someone - He said I'm not thinking about that - I wish I could just kick him out of my office and out of my life - I feel so weak - I still love him - even though as the days pass I'm realizing he is truly nuts. I found out today we are going to be working very closely on an upcomig project - I just can't catch a break. I'm not going to quit my job for this person - I'm a pretty tough chick - but this whole thing has turned me to mush... can anyone help?

[lightn]

Jr 71

 

I work with my ex also. It is hard and the best thing you need to do is ignore your ex. I know it is hard and it is possible. Do not even look at him and if you know when he goes to lunch, change it, and come in early and leave late or the same time.

 

My story is my ex she is 28 and I am 41 we were dating for 6 months and she was happy and eveybody noticed it work. Of course there was talk to see if we were dating and we both denied it to people. We started dating in January and it ended in June. After 3 months she wanted me to meet her parents. Once I met the parents the parents liked me. They invited me to dinner so many times and even invited me to go on a trip with them but I missed the call on that. We even planned to go on vacation back in May so we can go in June- but that did not happened so I went myself. The 4th month we were intimate and were for 2 months. Then in June the next day at work after we saw each other on Sunday she got cold. SHe said that she wanted to be left alone and don't bother her. So finally I get the call and she stated to me, that she is tired of doing things with me, wants to get a house and car and then B/F.

Here is the killer she said the reason why I came over that Sunday to be intimate is to see if she felt anything for me and she did not(What a lie). She also said that she has issues and does not know how to grow. When I did see the next day she was almost in tears and kept repeating the same stuff.

So I left her alone for 8 days and wanted to talk but she was so angry, and when I told her I had given space for 8 days she stated I appreciate it but stretch it out a bit longer. So when I went on vacation 4 days before, since we both put our time in, I noticed and everybody noticed at work that she looked so depressed and I was happy. When I came back I was looking good, I lost alot of weight and I was tanned. Of course 2 days after she came back all of a sudden she comes around my desk area just to walk by and looked at me and smiled, and the next day the same thing and I said Hi and that was it. Then of course everything hit, my boss found out and It was effecting me big time. So the company suggested to see a counselor and the vice-president and his wife they both like us so I took their offer of the counselor with no time taken away. Has it helped? Yes it has. I even wrote a letter to her telling her how i feel and no acknowledgement on it.

The counselor suggestd to go up to her and ask her what is our status. So I did during lunchtime outside in the parking lot, when I asked her she just lost all control. She started to shout at me and she said I told you it was over back in June and I said No, you did not and the same answer, and told her she is running from something and she got defensive of it and then she said I was harassing her and do not contact her. So as my emotions were cool, my answer was OK, your loss not mine. She lost it. She just startetd to scream(don;t know what she said) and came back to her car and said Oh by the way the stuff that you gave me I will return them to you. She lost it again and started to scream so more and honked her horn and took off in the back parking lot. When I did see her she had a napkin in her hand looks like she was crying and this was in August. No, I did not return the things.

 

After a few weeks from the blowup she did look at me when I was leaving and then also one morning she came up to my desk and handed me an assignment sheet of where all employees sit, so that way I was forced to look at her and I said Thank you and she smiled. The other time when leaving she was tapping her pen alot of times trying to get my attention.

 

So for the past 2 months now with no contact and it has been 4 months of the breakup, then all of a sudden after 2 months she comes walking by my desk, and that is the long way instead of taking the short way to the break room. Did she look, sure she did and I did to but I saw her at the last minute. There was one time we almost bumped while she was coming around the corner and I looked at her and her face turned red but she did not say anything.

 

So now what I do is change into my Muscle Tee and shorts since I am all nice and tan and working out and yes she has looked and wondering. I even pretend at times to talk on the phone and cracking up, but not using any names so she does not know who I am talking to.

 

I am even having my hairdresser female coming to help me out and getting me for a lunch date. Yes my ex is a jealous person.

 

Do I see signs of her coming around. It is matter of time. All of her excuses are BS. What I think she fell for me and got scared so she ran. I treated her like gold, she knows that and she admitted to me that I treat her better than her ex did and she felt safe and happy around me. Is she seeing someone, Nope. THis was only her second serious relationship and she had gotten hurt from her previous ex. They were broken up for 3 years and the same with me. She still lives at home and I also think her parents are probably forcing the issue of her settling down and having kids in which me and her talked about it and she does not want to get married nor have kids.

 

Everybody I have talked to at work states there was no bases for the breakup and she is confused but it seems have to play and ignore her. Is me ignoring her getting to her, yes it is. Everybody notices her that she is so unhappy and not smiling like when she was back in May. Does she get depressed at times. She has stated that to me. I do believe also that my ex may have someone spying on me also because there is no bases for her to come around but now coming around everyday to visit another coworker.

 

So what I am saying fake it till you make it. Go work out, get a tan, change into a work outfit, talk to coworkers that you can trust and play along that you are talking to another guy or tell your coworkers that you are seeing someone as a friend, you know it is going to get back to him.

 

Whatever you do don;t call him, ignore him, or go out to luinch with a male coworker that you can trust, keep busy and I know weekends are tough, believe me it is. Just be patient and take care of yourself first.

 

Keep me updated on your progress. If you do want to talk you can email me at email removed. That way we can share stories.

[user1481]

I work with my ex also. It is hard and the best thing you need to do is ignore your ex. I know it is hard and it is possible. Do not even look at him and if you know when he goes to lunch, change it, and come in early and leave late or the same time.

 

I totally agree with that. Further more I want to add that ignoring would mean just not looking at them. Obviously along with the mental attraction there was physical. Since your getting over that attraction still...you dont want to make it any harder by staring or looking at what u think u might desire but know is bad for you. We're in a difficult situation because we are forced to see our ex all the time...or more than ex's should. But I look at it as a gift and a curse. The curse is obvious. We have to be reminded of the relationship more than we would like...not to mention the co-workers that know the scoop. But the gift is...we can actually see progress on how we react each day we come in contact with the person. I think this speeds up the process on getting over someone. We learn how to deal with the interractions. Which leads me to were I dissagree on lightn's approach in some aspects.

 

See, this might work if you want or know for certain that you will get back together but if there is any doubt. Then I that changing your lifestyle is a totally wrong choice. Making her jeolous might get her to come back to u but look at it this way. Why did she come back? I believe they need to come back for there own reasons. You shouldnt have to remind them of why they want you.

 

But a quick message to everone visiting this post is....over the course of the "post-breakup" there will be ups and downs but it will get better. We all know there can be days that are really discouraging and it seems like your feelings are going backwards. But trust me, those times that hurt the most of the best thing for u because you are facing and dealing with those awkward feelings head on. No pain no gain! Same concept. It hurts but it's so good for u. Dont give in...Be strong! Pat yourself on the back for making it this far. I have more to write...so hold that thought.

[pineapplegirl]

As an update on my situation:

I got a new job offer on Thursday which is a better job, better benefits, better pay and more healthy environment...See, it is possible...