what do i do now ... how do i start moving on?

[lostlonely75]

I met my soon to be ex husband almost 12 years ago ... we were married almost 10 years. (i was 17 when we met) no children. He left me on September 1st of this yaer and filed for divorce. no explanation -- just that he doesn't want to be married any more. Swears there is not another woman, but wont give me any explanation. I thought our marriage had been going well, we had our problems as everyone does, but were dealing with them... or so I thought....

now the divorce will be final in less than 1 month....and i am tired of sitting around being depressed. i still love him, but have decided since he doesn't love me anymore i need to move on -- but don't have a clue how to. All of our friends were "our friends" we moved here together so all are friends are married couples that were friends with both of us... and they all seem to have disappeared rather than be part of the awkward situations right now.

 

I don't know what to do -- im working thru the week -- have to to attempt to keep up with the bills. so the weeks go by ok -- but the weekends are miserable. i try to get out by myself, but it sux, i end up coming home more depressed cuz i am going out by myself.

 

i just don't have any idea how to get out of this depression, how to get on with my life. I am almost 30 years old and feel so old to be starting over. my husband was my life, we grew up toether, we made each other who we are today...i don't know how to function without him in my life... im not sure if i can move forward without him....

anyone have any ideas how to get thru this???? please help me....

 

 

[CarterJonas]

hi lost&lonely75

 

I am sorry to hear of your situation. I am also nearly 27 so I can feel your pain in having to start again.

 

All I can say is that time is the best healer. One month and a bit is not really that long a time.

 

A good way to make new friends is through work! Another way is to join evening/weekend activities. What I am getting at is that I tend to do a lot of sports which allows me to meet new people as well as being good for your body and mind. When you come to feel better the friends thing will come along.

 

If you are feeling really depressed is there a close family member you can talk to?, alternatively you could go and see your doctor whom might be able to prescribe something temporarily. All I can promise is that it does get better with time and that you will get through it.

 

 

ps I should have mentioned that there are some good archived posts on here for you to sift through, might be of some help.

 

goodluck

[lostlonely75]

yeah -- i know it hasn't been that long yet -- i think im looking for a friend more than a "boyfriend"... just someone to get out and maybe try to enjoy life with. My husband and I were best friends, we enjoyed doing everything together, or at least i thought we did, he never told me differently. so i really lost everything when he walked out on me.

 

i am a nurse at a small Dr.s office -- so there aren't really many people there to hang out with, and everyone else there is a newlywed -- so they all want to go home and spend time with their new families. not that i can blame them.

 

my main enjoyment in life is music -- i love concerts, listening and playing music... im a drummer and have thought about signing up for drum lessons to get me out of hte house and maybe meet people -- but along with the divorce i end up minus 1 income and all the bills so don't have the extra cash right now to do anything fun.

 

i do have famly to talk to when im depressed and a great friend to talk to --but i get so tired of crying on peoples shoulders -- i just want to be able to smile again... i want to talk to my husband -- ii want to try to work things out -- i find it so hard to give up on everything we had together... i was so proud of our marriage and what we've done together -- i wish he had felt the same way.... or at least given me an explanation as to why he left..... sorry so long and rambling -- i just need to get some of this out....

thanx 'for listening

[patheticgirl]

Oh god.. its such a long time... My guy left me after 10 years.. we didnt get married. I know how u must feel. Why did u agree for a divorce if you want to be with him and love him. Cant u resolve the issue by talking to him?

[CarterJonas]

The best thing to do is to get yourself out and about from the house, whether it be taking the dog for a walk, going shopping to the mall or if you can afford it taking some music lessons. Maybe if you went only once or twice thay might be able to put you in touch with a few local musicians!

 

Have you tried talking to somebody else that is close to your husband whom might know what is going on? such as close friend or family.

[lostlonely75]

i have no way of contacting him -- to try to make things work -- i don't know where he's staying, don't have a phone number to reach him at -- and he works concstruction so is never at the same location twice with work.

 

it's been about a month since i've last heard from him -- all of our communication is through our lawyers now.

 

the state of michigan had "no-fault divorces" so after 21 days even if i don't agree with getting a divorce he'd be granted one by default... so rather than losing everything -- i got my own lawyer and i'll at least end up with half. besides he tells me he wants a divorce -- i love him and want him to be happy -- if that's what is going to make him happy then i guess that's what i'll do.......

 

i know i need to get out of the house -- i live in a rural area so it's an hour drive to go do anything -- actually takes an effort to even get to the mall ... but i have been trying -- have a great time when i end up getting out to a concert by myself -- but there aren't enough of them to go to! i am gonna try and scrape up enough money to start taking music lessons again --

 

my job told me they will do whatever it takes to keep me on staff -- so im going on monday to tell them i need a raise or i'll have to look for something that pays more -- if they agree then i'll be able to make it work....

 

i was talking with his mom quite a bit -- she was being real friendly and inbiased on the whole thing -- said he wasn't talking to her much about what he was thinking -- but i went to call her the other day and her phone was diconnected. one of the last converstaions we had she did tell me not to give up on him -- just give him time.... so who knows -- other then her no one else will really talk to me about what he's thinking -- they just say they don't know anything.

 

my parets figure he's having a mid-life crisis -- he just turned 33 (while we were apart -- what a terrible day) -- had cancer early on in our marriage -- and we had a recent scare of recurrance in may -- maybe he really just needs some time away to figure out what he really wants in life--- but i don't understand why he doesn't tell me this and why he'd ruch off and file for divorce if he just needs to sort things out -- it makes no sense to me....

[jackson5045]

oh sweeti

my heart goes out to you more than you can know

but its time to focus on the future not on the past

you need to move forward and you know that i think

 

went through something similiar myself recently and i know how you feel

its like being hit in the chest with an axe !

 

i was terribly depressed and didnt know what to do

then an interesting thing happened

by a pure accident i had a reallynice conversation one day with an olympic athlete while swimming laps at the local pool

not that big a deal really

that night there was a really funny episode of the simpsons on

 

life can give you small measures of joy in the strangest places at the strangest times

be open to that

the pain will dull - let it hurt for now its natural

just dont give up - you are so young and semm to have such a nice heart

forge on - no matter what

 

good luck and please keep this updated

hope you start to feel better soon

jackson

[lostlonely75]

thanx for all the encouraging words and thoughts -- im just so scared at the thought of spending the rest of my life alone. I loved everything about being married -- even the arguments and working out problems.... i don't want to live my life alone. But then again i know i shouldn't go out looking with just the idea that I don't want to be alone.... but that is easier said than done.

 

every time i do go out to a concert or a bar by myself -- i always leave with a few phone numbers -- but i miss my husband -- my best friend. it's hard cuz I was never mad at him -- he just walked out -- im still very much in love with him... i know i need to move on but i don't know if I'll ever stop loving him.

 

right now its my job that keeps me going -- i love the work and love my co-workers - but they don't have health insurance and don't pay the greatest so i think im gonna even have to give that up too....

 

but im moving on -- day by day -- don't look to tomorrow right now ... it's all i can do and hope that one day i can laugh and smile again... one day i can wake up without the ache in my heart....

[jackson5045]

hello again

 

there are 5 stages to loss

denial

batgaining

anger

and i dont know the rest of them cause i never move past anger

the rest of it is something about grief anf acceptance

hope that gave you a laugh !

 

that ache will go away

the thing that is killing you is the pain of not knowing

my last girlfriend who i wanted to marry just up and went

no reason no explanation - nothin

i thought i was going to die

i made myself physically sick with the emotional torment but time does pass and you will heal a tiny little bit everyday. it doesnt seem that way when you measure it day to day but when you measure it month to month you will see that it slowly gets better.

 

if your curious, my ex eventually came back wanting to be friends and crying crap about sorry and lessons learned and all that time i had spent wanting to know why ! when she came back i didnt want to hear it - i had reached a measure of peace with not knowing and had found my way past her and the effect her leaving had on me

 

you will too

keep me updated and best ofd luck to you

 

jack

[lostlonely75]

i wish i could get to the anger stage -- i'd love to be mad at him -- but I can't. What scares me the most I have no idea where he's at or how to get ahold of him if i wanted to --- i am so scared that once the divorce is final he will just disappear -- and I will never see him again. Even if i do move on he is my soul mate -- and i thought i was his. Just the fact that he can try to erase the past 12 years of his life sickens me. i thought we had a wonderful marriage. i wish he felt that way too.

 

i pray every night that'll he'll just come home -- every day when i turn down the drive when i get home from work i hope to see his car in the drive... i just want him to come home.

 

i had a rough weekend and figured when i got to work today things would be better -- but it isn't -- im having a terrible night. I think it is finally sinking in that it is real. that he isn't coming home... and it scares me -- i don't want to move on alone -- i don't want to start over -- i haven't a clue what to do right now. i miss him with all my heart -- i'd forgive whatever he is doing right now -- and i'd do everything to be his perfect wife if he'd just tell me what he thought was missing from oour marriage.... i know thats not healthy but those are my feelings right now....

 

on a good note -- im going out with my brothers wife this weekend to a bar to see a concert -- i get to forget everything for a few hours and MAYBE meet someone -- just so I'll know i can find someone else -- i need someone to show me i can be happy.....

[jackson5045]

hi again

 

you are a worry darlin

its good that you are going out with your brothers wife - thats great

but please hear this

right now you are something of a wounded gentle forest creature

that bar on the weekend will be full of wolves

they can smell the vulnerable heart of a gentle wounded forest creature

your ability to judge good men from bad ones might not be completely reliable at this point

 

if you trust your sister in law listen to her advice on who the good ones and the bad ones are on the night and please please dont rush in

the last thing you need now is to get used

good to feel loved and wanted but please dont get hurt

and please dont get used

but do have fun and live life - ok

 

good luck on your night out

 

jack (former wolf)

[lostlonely75]

thanx for your concern .. i hope to go out and have fun -- but i will be cautious... thanx for your advice. i know it's probably too soon to meet someone else -- but i hope to get a few phone numbers -- or just some innocent flirting. I just need to know i am wanted right now. when i feel so alone. but i am gunshy right now too -- so i don't htink i'll be in a hurry to rush into anything.

 

and i do trust my sister in law -- i know she won't let me do anything i might regret in the morning....and one last thing -- im not much of a drinker -- and knowing i am more vulnerable now i don/t drink at all when i go out to a show -- maybe 1 drink when i get there to easy my nerves a little -- but that's it -- that way i stay in control....

 

thanx again for your concern...

[jackson5045]

you have a sound plan for your night out and sounds like fairly steady ideals by the sound of it

i am somewhat relieved

 

take care

jack