She has a platonic lover

[leonardo5]

My wife got a serious illness (a tumor). She was depressed and sad. So I

tried to get her interested with computer and internet stuff. I taught

things about and encouraged her to participate in chatrooms, especially in

other languages, since she knows Italian.

She got it and seemed excited too; so I was happy.

Someday she left her boxmail open and I checked it out. I was shocked

seeing she was receiving and sending loving emails in Italian with SO.

I confronted her and she got angry because I didn’t respect her privacy

and told it was just a game. But I found out it was more than that. They

also frequently exchange text phone.

It’s a relationship that they are keeping for years now. He is a married

man and though apparently the relationship never turned into physical

contact, their conversations are as if they were lovers.

Anyway, I prefer she as a platonic cheater but happy than a gloomy and sad

woman as she was.

I’d like to know if there are others in similar situation, because it

seems quite weird to me.

Besides if you think it was my fault because I shouldn’t peek into her

private stuff.

[pl3asehelp]

She's having an emotional affair. It was not cool of you to snoop, but that is an offense I'd rank as a 3 out of 10 where her emotional affair is a 9 out of 10. Definitely not your fault she's doing this.

[Moontiger]

Textbook emotional affair. This IS cheating. I would leave her.

[luminousone]

It is called an emotional affair. My ex had many online women friends and he and I had a deal that I would have full access to all if his correspondence with those women so that I wouldn't worry. I never took him up in that because I trusted him fully. At one point his behavior became odd and I began to suspect. Well he eventually left our 17 year marriage (22 years together) for a relationship with a woman in a country halfway accross the world. He would not show me the correspondence because it was "private" and not intended for my eyes.

 

Another of his "friends" had a fit when she found out he was also corresponding with that other woman. He was apparently stringing us all along.

 

He had been calling these "friends" secretly on our cell plan, and even sent one of them a gift.

 

If you think these are platonic relationships then you may be incorrect. My ex said that his intentions were pure in the beginning but then these women gave him attention at a low point in his life and made him feel good. At first he set boundaries with them when they made advances but eventually got sucked in.

 

Then there was sexting, skyping, inappropriate pictures and conversations etc. In his mind he was "faithful" because he never met them in person until our marriage broke up, but I know he knew deep down it was wrong- otherwise he would not have hidden it.

 

I honestly don't know if I could have prevented the emotional affair situation - my husband was extremely unhappy and thought he would find happiness in this way- but ultimately he figured out it was just a diversion from what was really inside of him.

 

Having these online relationships enabled him to have a diversion from facing the issues in our marriage and gave him a way to escape. It drove a permanent wedge and we are no longer together. And btw he is not together anymore with those women...

 

I just wanted to add that if you are not allowed to see any of that correspondence and if you feel that her relationship is distancing her from your marriage and allowing her to spend her emotional energy and intimacy with someone else then it is a problem with your marriage.

 

I hope your wide is doing well with her cancer- I was diagnosed with cancer after my ex left and so I had a double whammy to deal with at once. But all is well now on both accounts...

[Squishyx3]

She's emotional cheating, my fiance did it in the beginning of our relationship and we worked though it. I also made him cut all ties. They were all women in Indonesia but had they been within meeting distance I prolly wouldn't still be with him

[dasilver]

You are a strong woman...very moving.

 

My heart goes out to you..

[luminousone]

Thanks dasilver- I had amazing friends and family and doctors (and here too!) and all is well now- I did grow up a lot...

 

Op I hope you and your wife will get through all of this - the cancer and the online stuff...

[leonardo5]

 

Op I hope you and your wife will get through all of this - the cancer and the online stuff...

Thank you very much Luminousone. I’m also touched for your situation. I know how hard it would be and congratulation for your success.

For those who say ‘I’d leave her’, you should be in my shoes. I prefer anything instead of see her suffering.

On the other hand, our relationship is good. She is sweet with me, we have a good relationship, plus children, the house…everything in common.

So, is it worth to split?

[lalalollipops]

This isn't acceptable. I wouldn't tolerate it and neither should you.

[BrianH46]

Isn't "platonic lover" an oxymoron?

[leonardo5]

This isn't acceptable. I wouldn't tolerate it and neither should you.

Well, as a matter of fact I'm not a saint either. It is just a platonic cheating but I've gone even beyond. It's just she didn't catch me.

[avman]

Then what is your question if you are both cheating on each other? It seems the answer is pretty obvious. The relationship is already over.

[Moontiger]

Well, as a matter of fact I'm not a saint either. It is just a platonic cheating but I've gone even beyond. It's just she didn't catch me.

 

Well, then why are you mad at her? You cheated on her, she is now cheating on you, seems you guys are meant for each other.

[Lester]

I always recommend snooping!! It allows one to see how things really are vs. the fantasy one’s own mind creates.

 

You said, “…quite weird to me.”

- Huh? You did it and I assume did it before her. Maybe she snooped you and followed your horrible lead?

 

Regardless, if you don’t want to be married your on the right path.

If you do, Tell her about your platonic affair. Say you’re sorry. Then tell her she has to stop talking her dud.

 

There, that was easy.

[leonardo5]

It seems the answer is pretty obvious. The relationship is already over.

I don’t think so. I believe we have reached another relationship stage after 25 years together.

The exciting for each other has waned of course. So I see as logic we look up for SO to spice the live a bit. That doesn’t mean we don’t care for the other anymore.

[Capricorn3]

I don’t think so. I believe we have reached another relationship stage after 25 years together.

The exciting for each other has waned of course. So I see as logic we look up for SO to spice the live a bit. That doesn’t mean we don’t care for the other anymore.

So, in other words, you're both happy cheating on each other and staying in the marriage?

[leonardo5]

So, in other words, you're both happy cheating on each other and staying in the marriage?

Well... we have a lot of common things. Not just material things but also our children.

So I think it’s better for us to keep together.