how to get her to work on her issues?

[nbr]

My wife and I have been in MFT for 6 weeks now and it's working wonders, but she doesn't want to go anymore. So far we've mostly been working only on my issues that caused the split. I'm fine with that as she's taking me back and letting us continue on our relationship work. Thing is now is when the MFT wants to work on her issues (she has a few that go way back), and I know that's why she wants to bail, it's uncomfortable.

 

I want her to face these demons and get them out, I want to be there to support her. Anyone have ideas how to get a woman with low self esteem and body image issues to keep going to therapy? I know once these are out and behind her she'll be so much happier (and honestly I wonder if it would make her confident enough to leave me, but that's *my* problem, anxiety and insecurity).

 

To be honest I love her so much that I want her happy. If it ultimately did cost me my marriage, but she was genuinely happy, and not just GIGS, or trying to run from her demons, but genuine happiness, I would be proud that I helped her get there. The rational part of me knows that getting her there would likely cement our bond and she wouldn't leave, but there's that anxiety again

 

Ideas? I'm being as supportive as I know how. I make sure to compliment her beauty at least once a day (she really is pretty), and her mothering and life skills at least once a day as well. Nothing major, no smothering, just a small compliment.

(You look really nice today, you're cute, etc.; you're such an awesome mom, wow you really were busy today). All genuine by the way; if I don't feel it I'll not say it.

 

Just need guidance how to get her to continue with the MFT, we have 2 sessions left that she committed to, (one today) then she's done and can opt out.

-nbr

[FrenchFries]

If she doesn't want to deal with her issues, the therapy is pointless. My only suggestion would be that she may be more comfortable if she can start her "issues" therapy without you present.

[luminousone]

My ex and I went to a few different therapists and I was able to work in my things and he was always gung ho about me working in my issues, but when they pointed out his issues then all of a sudden those therapists didn't know what they were talking about and we went on to the next one.

 

After he ditched the last mft then I stayed on for individual counseling. Our marriage was done and I benefitted from the support. After a year I had a feeling he would be ready to face up to his issues but the mft couldn't see him due to being my therapist. I asked him to please refer him to someone really suited to deal with his issues, since he is the father of his children.

 

I think he has been going for a couple of years now- we are on the same health insurance so I sometimes see billings to that effect.

 

Well I could never get him to face up to his issues when we were married (he blamed EVERYTHING on me) but now that he has been dumped by a few different women then maybe he is finally facing up to his own issues...

 

I hope your wife will get the help she needs, but she won't do the work until she is ready. And she may not be ready until life gives her the honest feedback.

 

In the meantime if you can say that you did everything you could to work in your marriage and your own personal issues, then you can hopefully come to a place of peace and acceptance with what happens moving forward. You can only change yourself and your wife is in charge of herself and her own happiness.

[iamkaylee]

You can't make your wife face or work on her own issues. She won't even admit she has any, much less work on them until she is ready to. She has to want to change herself.

 

That said, what you can do is tell her how her (whatever) makes you feel and thus, affects your actions and your relationship.

 

To try and encourage her to keep going, I would suggest talking to her sometime after today's appointment and before the next one. Ask her if she is seeing any positive benefit to the MFT as far as your improvement and to the relationship. Don't make it about her. If she says yes, ask her how and what about.

 

From there, you can support what she says about positives, accept her feedback (you don't have to agree with it) and encourage her to go for maybe another few weeks to keep building on what you have started. Remind her that her input is very important to the MFT and tell her how you would appreciate her continuing to go and helping you improve as a better person/husband. Don't make it about her issues. Only yours and the relationship.

 

If she agrees, you can gradually bring in how when she "seems" to be feeling (whatever issue) she does (whatever) that makes you feel (whatever).

 

If she says no and refuses to keep going, well I'm afraid you might be banging your head against the wall as far as fixing the marriage. It takes two to break it and two to make it.

 

Either way, you should keep going even if it's without her.

[nbr]

Well that sod's it.

Our therapist has been flaky and today we sat in her waiting room for a half hour before she came out and my wife's done.

Just got home, wife in tears, re-scheduled appt for 3:30 today, wife won't go (I don't blame her).

I'm going to tell the therapist that the flakiness has really hurt my wife a lot and that she's done, for a while at least.

 

I figure the best thing I can do is continue to support her and be the best husband/father I can be since she has taken me back; and to continue my personal development.

 

At this point my wife said she doesn't want to start over with a referral, since we'd have to spend a ton of sessions just getting the therapist up to speed, but she doesn't want to go back to this one either because she's flaky.

 

Well folks, I guess that does it for this thread, but any other ideas are welcome.

-nbr

[pl3asehelp]

Sounds like you gave up way too easily to me and this situation really has huge potential to bite you later.

[iamkaylee]

Well crap!

 

Just how has the therapist been flakey?

 

What in the world is your wife in tears over?!?

[browneyedgirl36]

I agree with the above poster -- why is she giving up on therapy so easily? Has the therapist consistently run late and kept you waiting? Has she been inconsistent in other ways? I'm wondering why your wife is letting the most recent issue -- the lateness -- affect her so much. Has she expressed to you why she is so upset?

[iamkaylee]

I think there's something more going on there than a "flakey" therapist but I'm keeping my thoughts to myself until the OP posts again.

[nbr]

Of the last 6 appointments we've scheduled exactly ONE has been on time, and 3 were outright missed by her and had to be re-scheduled (i.e office locked, car not in parking lot). The only reason we didn't drop her sooner was that my wife felt comfortable with her and she seemed able to guide me in self development.

But, in the vein of making lemonade when life hands you lemons, we were able to bond over this setback, *and* I was able to be there for her as she needed without me being the cause of the upset

 

After my wife cooled down a bit and the therapist called her to apologize and even offered a free appt (at $100/hr) we decided to take a week or two off and then start back up. The therapist is supposed to call me at work tomorrow, and I'll explain the situation to her and say we'll give it one more go, but we need consistency in the appointments.

 

As to what some of you suspect, yes she (my wife) really doesn't *want* to face her issues, but she knows she *needs* to. I really thought that this would be her way out, but she really seems willing for another go, but no more mercy about the schedules... (can't say I blame her).

-nbr

[nbr]

Well crap!

 

Just how has the therapist been flakey?

 

What in the world is your wife in tears over?!?

Other pressure that she's been under (house remodel, school starting, our marriage under repair [hey it's still stressful, just a good stress], PMS). This was the final straw.

Just glad it wasn't me putting that straw on her.

-nbr

[iamkaylee]

As to what some of you suspect, yes she (my wife) really doesn't *want* to face her issues, but she knows she *needs* to. I really thought that this would be her way out, but she really seems willing for another go, but no more mercy about the schedules... (can't say I blame her).

 

Well it sounds promising! Knowing she needs to face her issues is good. At least she's admitting she has some (step 1) and that she "needs" to face them (step 2) so you've got progress there. She's probably scared out of her wits about it too. Issues can be comfort zones and stepping outside those can be very overwhelming without all the added stuff you two have going on.

 

Quite frankly, your therapist sounds very unprofessional in the business side of things. I can't blame you for wanting to stop her services but your wife's reaction is way over the top. Kind of a clue that her emotional state is pretty fragile right now. I hope you can get her to keep going past the next few sessions.

[nbr]

Yeah, I took her side because I thought that's what she needed at the moment. I don't know how some of the other ladies on this thread are with PMS, but my wife is by far one of the (worst really is not the right word... challenged perhaps?) women I know when it comes to mood swings and emotional regulation during that time of the month (about two days before it starts and two days into it).

 

I'm used to it, and maybe part of our problems is I became so used to and forgiving of (as in pretending it never happened) lashing out when she was PMSing that I got numb to when she had more rational issues to discuss.

 

Anyway...

Yeah the MFT sucks on the business end of it, but really is good at the therapy part.

 

As to this:

I think there's something more going on there than a "flakey" therapist but I'm keeping my thoughts to myself until the OP posts again.

Was the wife wanting out of the issues what you were thinking? Because, yeah part of her really doesn't want to face them, but slowly we will.

I faced mine, and I know how hard it was to really own up to sucking at being a dad and what parts of me, quite frankly, were broken. I'm willing to give her some time, and I want to see her through.

-nbr

[iamkaylee]

LOL I can't help you with the PMS. I never had those problems in a big way (I was lucky).

 

Your wife wanting out of the issues, partly. You know how hard it is yourself. It's also pretty scary but once you get started, it gets easier for the most part I think.

 

I was also thinking along the lines of her wanting out of the MFT and that she may still be questioning if she wants to work out your marriage. You've mentioned her unwillingness to go to MFT at first, that she gave you 2 instead of 3 months and you're trying to get her to keep going.

 

It's very positive that she is going and trying but ask yourself if you think she's doing it because she's really trying to fix things or if she's just doing what you want right now because she could be overwhelmed or something. If she's too overwhelmed right now (and it sounds very possible) it might help to see what you could do to de-stress her a little bit.

 

Just thinking out loud.

[nbr]

We talked a bit, and part of it is that while she still does resent me (but less every day according to her, and I got a "love ya" back to a random text I sent her), she want to do the right thing for our kids. Meeting me half way in a way. She sees the effort I'm making to fix the things wrong about me, and while I can not undo all the wrongs I've done, I am committed to not doing any more of them.

 

Yeah, she's a bit overwhelmed, but I think she's actually finally allowing herself to be optimistic about our future. I have a two month break from work (paid) that I am eligible for in a year and a half and she's talking about Italy. I told her I still owe her a proper honeymoon, so here we will be 12 years late, but I'm going to give it to her. I've set a budget of $14K for two weeks in Italy, and I'm about half way there with a year and a half to go (most of the half I have was for a project I've always wanted to do: and electric Karmenn Ghia, but that can wait forever if I get my wife back).

-nbr

[iamkaylee]

Hey, any way you can get it, take it, if it's what you want. Sounds like you're winning slowly by degrees. That's winning!

 

 

She sees the effort I'm making to fix the things wrong about me, and while I can not undo all the wrongs I've done, I am committed to not doing any more of them.

 

This right here. That's what's going to keep you moving forward. Hopefully, you can use your progress as a way to keep her going to the MFT. It takes a real man to own up, make a statement like that and stick with it. I believe you are and will.

 

 

Yeah, she's a bit overwhelmed, but I think she's actually finally allowing herself to be optimistic about our future.

 

Starting to feel optimistic again can be emotionally overwhelming too. Lots of emotions and thoughts whirling around on top of the normal day to day stuff and you two have a lot on your plates.

 

You can't change the past but you can change the future. I think you've got a very good shot at making it work and having the relationship you want. I'm happy for you.

[nbr]

Thanks iamkaylee

 

We talked some more this morning, we're going to take a two week break from the MFT (this week's messed up appt, and not doing next week). After that we'll go back and meet the MFT, but we expect her to be on-time (and there). If she isn't or has issues like this again then we will go it alone (maybe get a referral, but... that's more $$$ just to catch up to where we are now).

-nbr

 

edit: typo

[iamkaylee]

I think a two week breather sounds like a good idea. Let things settle some, PMS over lol, and some time to think and process.

 

If you keep having problems with the MFT, I would get the referral. It can't hurt to get it even if yiou don't use it right away. You could also have your file sent over to a new MFT (you'd have to authorize this) and that would cut back on your catch up time a lot. People switch therapists all the time and it usually doesn't take more than one session to get up to speed.

 

I would hate to see you have to quit going and try to go it alone. You are clearly making a lot of progress and your wife is taking those first hard steps on her own issues. If you have to go this way and things start breaking down again, see if you can get her to go back. I honestly believe it can only help you both even more than it already has.

 

Keep fighting! I think everyone here is in your corner cheering for a happy outcome.

[nbr]

Ya know, I know the PMS is part of her. We were dating for 10 years before we got married. Some months are fine, others are hell week.

I know we can not change our partners, especially on stuff like this, but boy oh boy if there was a magic pill...*

 

I'm going to start babysitting the therapist. I'm going to call the day before and leave her a message reminding her of our appointment for the following day. I know I shouldn't have to, but my wife is comfortable (if frustrated) with her, and I don't want to give that up. Everyone here has been helpful in so many ways, some are cynical and keep my optimism in check, others are supportive and cheer me on.

-nbr

 

* she's tried the pill once in the past (neither of us like condoms) but it made her *sick*.

[iamkaylee]

Ya know, I know the PMS is part of her. We were dating for 10 years before we got married. Some months are fine, others are hell week.

I know we can not change our partners, especially on stuff like this, but boy oh boy if there was a magic pill...*

 

I'm going to start babysitting the therapist. I'm going to call the day before and leave her a message reminding her of our appointment for the following day. I know I shouldn't have to, but my wife is comfortable (if frustrated) with her, and I don't want to give that up. Everyone here has been helpful in so many ways, some are cynical and keep my optimism in check, others are supportive and cheer me on.

-nbr

 

* she's tried the pill once in the past (neither of us like condoms) but it made her *sick*.

 

Ooohh YES!! Babysit the therapist! I LIKE this idea! LOL Since your wife likes her, if this is what it takes to keep her going, I say go for it. Small sacrifice for a good result if it works Way to be proactive and take charge!

 

I'm cheering for you, but I'll also tell you like it is too. Nothing like being a realist ;-) This is a great forum to get outside perspective and sometimes that's what we all need.

 

Keep the lines of communication open on the homefront ;-)

[pl3asehelp]

Thanks iamkaylee

 

We talked some more this morning, we're going to take a two week break from the MFT (this week's messed up appt, and not doing next week). After that we'll go back and meet the MFT, but we expect her to be on-time (and there). If she isn't or has issues like this again then we will go it alone (maybe get a referral, but... that's more $$$ just to catch up to where we are now).

-nbr

 

edit: typo

 

I'd stop seeing that MFT now - don't bother going back. That industry has a lot of flakey people in it and it's hard to find someone who is professional, competent, and that you get along with. Just find another one. It is expensive, but isn't this worth any cost? Sounds like your wife really needs one. Don't go it alone.

[nbr]

I'd stop seeing that MFT now - don't bother going back. That industry has a lot of flakey people in it and it's hard to find someone who is professional, competent, and that you get along with. Just find another one. It is expensive, but isn't this worth any cost? Sounds like your wife really needs one. Don't go it alone.

I would agree with you (the cost is no object to me, I'd sell myself if that's what it took [aside from her not wanting that and I doubt I'm that sellable What I'm concerned about is my wife is very hard to get her to open up to people, and she's opened up to this MFT, and says she likes her (aside from the flaky issue). I really believe she wants this to work now, but I don't think she can go through starting over, emotionally she is on the edge.

-nbr

[iamkaylee]

I would agree with you (the cost is no object to me, I'd sell myself if that's what it took [aside from her not wanting that and I doubt I'm that sellable What I'm concerned about is my wife is very hard to get her to open up to people, and she's opened up to this MFT, and says she likes her (aside from the flaky issue). I really believe she wants this to work now, but I don't think she can go through starting over, emotionally she is on the edge.

-nbr

 

That's why I say stick with the MFT you have. If your wife wasn't having a hard time, didn't care about switching, or wouldn't flake out on going altogether, I'd say begone! Ms. Can't Show Up On Time Or Even At All, and find you a new MFT. As long as your wife is comfortable with her and Ms. Lateness tightens up you're good.

[pl3asehelp]

I would agree with you (the cost is no object to me, I'd sell myself if that's what it took [aside from her not wanting that and I doubt I'm that sellable What I'm concerned about is my wife is very hard to get her to open up to people, and she's opened up to this MFT, and says she likes her (aside from the flaky issue). I really believe she wants this to work now, but I don't think she can go through starting over, emotionally she is on the edge.

-nbr

 

Well, she has to make a choice then - either deal with the flakiness or consider being more open with a more professional therapist. I get that you want to make it as easy as you can for her, but you can't remove every obstacle for her. Just whatever you do, don't go it alone.

[nbr]

Well, she has to make a choice then - either deal with the flakiness or consider being more open with a more professional therapist. I get that you want to make it as easy as you can for her, but you can't remove every obstacle for her. Just whatever you do, don't go it alone.

You're right I can't remove every obstacle, but seeing as she's the one giving me the one more chance to be Mr Right, and Super Dad, I will pull every obstacle out of the way I can

-nbr