Need to convince myself to have faith

[discouraged]

Man... Its been practically a little over 2 months of NC since the BU (practically NC right after) after a 3 1/2 year relationship.

 

Within these 2 months, Ive been focusing on myself more so than ever, but I'm still not satisfied with any of my attempts until I see cold, hard results. My biggest goal right now is to transfer to a university since I feel like such a loser still living with my parents at my age of 27 without a degree. I just recently quit my job in order to pick up 18 units this fall semester to make my transfer application to a university stronger.

 

Im seriously worried about not being accepted due to the UC/CSU budget crises and if I'm making the right decision about quitting my job. I also have the fear of wondering whether my career path with my future degree will yield a generous annual salary (I know money shouldn't be a factor, but its a life goal of mine to achieve and I believe it will be of significant importance for my future children's future). How can I convince myself to have faith in my decisions and the path I chose to walk?

 

My ex dumped me because she didn't see that I have the drive and determination to be successful in life and lack of confidence. I don't blame her for leaving since I was such a loser at the time and it opened my eyes to everything I need to change/improve in my life, but is my worry what she was talking about when we BU? That I didn't show her that staying with me wasn't pointless? I think so.

 

Im usually optimistic, but I can't see the optimism in starting so late into the game and after losing her. Now, I feel that I became a realist and only focus on what I currently see/have.

 

I was doing so well until this past week for my healing from the BU, but now its a different kind of healing I must do. What set me back was my decision to leave my job since my ex was always trying to convince me to do it to focus more on school for the past couple years, but I couldn't until I tied up all the loose knots on my financial status. I just recently did, which gave me the green light to leave. I just wish I could tell her about everything going on now, but I know its futile...

 

It makes me wonder what would've happened if I did graduate when I was supposed to graduate and lived on my own: Would we have still be together? However, I do know if I wasn't in my current situation, we would have NEVER met. Interesting how that works.

 

How can I man up with my choices and regain faith that everything will work out? I honestly only see dark, gloomy skies when I try to look towards the future. I don't see any glimmer of light/hope... =(

[fella]

Establish career and salary, then worry about kids. Not the other way around. Focus on you. Don't worry about the past step towads the future

[rattenkrieg]

You did what you could at the time. even if we'd go back in time and tell you: "Do something else!" all throughout the day, you'd probably still do the same thing. don't judge yourself, try not to wallow in regret. focus on the present, learning from the past.

[Dinocaz]

Hi reading through your post it comes to mind that maybe and please do not take this the wrong way, but maybe the plans you are thinking of are a way of trying from a distance to show your ex you can be who you think she wanted you to be. It seems that everything you have written is a way of telling her that you can be the person she wanted you to be and insomuch that the only reason you are thinking of taking this path is becuase of her and not becuase of you. I know this sounds harsh but its just the way im reading it. And at the end you say you wonder if you had done this earlier would it have made a difference ?

 

I dont know, who knows , but whats important she made a choice to end it with you. And anything you do from this point on should be for yourself and not for any forlorn attempt to try win her back. Exes raraly get back together and when they do its usually for all the wrong reasons. We though usually split for all the right reasons even though we cant see it at the time. Sure if you want to go to uni do it great but make sure it is becuase YOU want to and not becuase you think she might hear and see this through the grapvine and suddenly be jumping hoops to get back with you.

 

She gave up on you, let you down, why invest anything emotionally into somone who i giving squat back. Ending somthing becuase a person does not have drive / motivation ? your self esteem understandbly is shot I know mine was for ages, and its like we somtimes try to act to live up to the expectations of what our exes wanted us to be. Which I have learned is absoulte rubbish. These days I do act and live as I want without worrying if this fits with the standards of the ex or not. Maybe you should do the same ?

[lcinlv]

Financial crisis + breakups = the worst. It's easy to second guess or doubt huge life choices (although you don't even know how it'll pan out yet!), but when I start doing that, I focus on the little things that I can't second guess or doubt. For me, it was stuff like my relationship with my family and close friends, and sometimes, even just a reminder that I was still alive and still had the chance to live another day and possibly make someone's life a little happier. For you, could it be what sounds like a career you could be passionate about or the fact that you worked hard and were fiscally responsible and earned enough money to now go to school full time? Or that your parents still love and support you?

 

I know it might be hard at times but focus on those 18 units. Think about how hard you worked to be able to take those classes and get the grades you need to transfer. Think about this chance you have to start this entirely new chapter of your life. And good luck with this semester!

[discouraged]

Sorry for being late, I honestly didn't see these posts.

 

Establish career and salary, then worry about kids. Not the other way around. Focus on you. Don't worry about the past step towads the future

 

Thanks, will do, but its just easier said than done.

 

You did what you could at the time. even if we'd go back in time and tell you: "Do something else!" all throughout the day, you'd probably still do the same thing. don't judge yourself, try not to wallow in regret. focus on the present, learning from the past.

 

Yeah you're right. I was really immature in the past that led to many significant life experiences and changes. I am mostly focusing on the present when I am being productive or busy, but its the days where I have absolutely nothing to do that bothers me. Since i recently quit my job, I have to be very stingy with the money I have left over and try to stay home as much as possible. Since I had a break from school for a few weeks, I couldn't stop myself from wallowing in regret... Hopefully tomorrow, when my classes begin, I will be swamped with work that will help prevent me from wallowing in regret. Thanks for the advice.

 

Hi reading through your post it comes to mind that maybe and please do not take this the wrong way, but maybe the plans you are thinking of are a way of trying from a distance to show your ex you can be who you think she wanted you to be. It seems that everything you have written is a way of telling her that you can be the person she wanted you to be and insomuch that the only reason you are thinking of taking this path is becuase of her and not becuase of you. I know this sounds harsh but its just the way im reading it. And at the end you say you wonder if you had done this earlier would it have made a difference ?

 

I dont know, who knows , but whats important she made a choice to end it with you. And anything you do from this point on should be for yourself and not for any forlorn attempt to try win her back. Exes raraly get back together and when they do its usually for all the wrong reasons. We though usually split for all the right reasons even though we cant see it at the time. Sure if you want to go to uni do it great but make sure it is becuase YOU want to and not becuase you think she might hear and see this through the grapvine and suddenly be jumping hoops to get back with you.

 

She gave up on you, let you down, why invest anything emotionally into somone who i giving squat back. Ending somthing becuase a person does not have drive / motivation ? your self esteem understandbly is shot I know mine was for ages, and its like we somtimes try to act to live up to the expectations of what our exes wanted us to be. Which I have learned is absoulte rubbish. These days I do act and live as I want without worrying if this fits with the standards of the ex or not. Maybe you should do the same ?

 

Dino, no, I'm not taking it the wrong way and appreciate your opinion on the matter. In the beginning, I was trying to prove her wrong, but it eventually became my own attempt to prove to myself that Im not a "loser". Graduating from school was something Ive wanted for myself, but I was very slow in the process because of work and stupid life decisions. I recently tied up all the loose knots I needed to take care of in order to focus primarily on school to speed up the process as fast as possible.

 

Again, I know I'm doing this for myself because I desperately want to move out of my house due to family issues thats keeps the atmosphere at home horrible. Plus, I feel that at my age, I need to move out on my own already. I feel as if Im not a man until I do so and live on my own. Its also very embarrassing disclosing I still live with my parents to new friends/people (Im always asked where I live and if I live on my own or have roommates...).

 

I know that she "gave up" on me, but the reason why I still have strong emotions for her is because I can't blame her for leaving me in my current state. We were together for 3 1/2 years and even though I was getting closer to transferring to a university to graduate, it still wasn't fast enough with the big improvements in her life. I didn't show her enough positive changes in my life to prove to her I can provide for her in the future as a man. With my slow progress, Im sure she saw it as me being lazy in my efforts and wouldn't be capable of being that successful man.

 

Within those 3 1/2 years, it wasn't as if she didn't give anything back. She was a great girlfriend in my opinion and I loved everything about her, including the negatives highlights of the relationship. My actions now aren't meant to be trying to live up to her expectations, but it is something I strive for myself. It was always something I wanted for myself, but I was too immature to make it happen and I stayed lazy and would spend majority of my time wasting it by going out with friends doing worthless, insignificant activities.

 

Just recently my worry/depression has been hitting me again. I do miss my ex, but I know I need to take care of myself first and accomplish what I want to accomplish.

 

Financial crisis + breakups = the worst. It's easy to second guess or doubt huge life choices (although you don't even know how it'll pan out yet!), but when I start doing that, I focus on the little things that I can't second guess or doubt. For me, it was stuff like my relationship with my family and close friends, and sometimes, even just a reminder that I was still alive and still had the chance to live another day and possibly make someone's life a little happier. For you, could it be what sounds like a career you could be passionate about or the fact that you worked hard and were fiscally responsible and earned enough money to now go to school full time? Or that your parents still love and support you?

 

I know it might be hard at times but focus on those 18 units. Think about how hard you worked to be able to take those classes and get the grades you need to transfer. Think about this chance you have to start this entirely new chapter of your life. And good luck with this semester!

 

Thanks for the words of encouragement, I needed it. I will try to stay focused on my day to day activities with the best of my abilities. I am happy about leaving my job since I hated it to begin with and taking care of all my financial worries before quitting was a big sigh of relief. However, it does scare me that I have no clue on what schools Ill be accepted in and how it'll affect my future job opportunities. I think thats what's troubling me most in regards to my emotional distress now. I won't find out until spring, which is a very long time given my situation. I just hope the 18 units will help "speed up time". Thanks for wishing me luck!