What do I make of this behavior? Very aggravating.

[makeshiftdoll]

I will try to make this as short and painless as possible, and thank you for bearing with me.

 

I had an extremely intense 4-month relationship with my ex. He is also the brother of one of my closest friends, and we've always kind of liked each other... when we got together, it was unbelievable.

 

I'll skip over all of the sickeningly wonderful stuff, but in the end we broke up because of his insecurities with himself. His friends (if you even want to call him that, they are really just horrible influences) have way too heavy of an influence on him, and in the end he chose to settle for stupidity instead of moving forward in life with a girl like me. A girl he said made him want to change his life. Whatever.

 

His family (and sister) took note of how much more responsible and considerate he had been since we'd been dating, how he was more focused on school and work and less on going out with his juvenile friends (mind you, I have no problems with anybody, but if all you are doing is encouraging the person to get drunk and be stupid, then you're not really that great of a friend).

 

Alright, I've accepted that we've broken up. There's a lot of details I can share about how he looked at me (the high esteem he holds me in) but I don't want to make this a terribly long post.

 

I have not contacted him at all, but I've noticed he's on my online journal several times a day, re-reading posts, looking at pictures, etc. It's almost amusing. The other day we had a conversation online. I actually thought I had blocked him, but I just took him off of my buddy list. Anyway, he expressed to me how he was stopping some of his infantile behavior up at school (I really do care about him as a person and I don't want him doing anything ridiculous. He's seriously one of the most brilliant people I've ever met). I told him I was happy to hear it. He told me he had confidence in me (no idea where that came in, but ok) and then he said "This is a weird question... but is there a guy in your life right now?" I never gave him a straight answer. I told him it wasn't the right time to talk about it and that I didn't really want to get into it. I also asked him why he was asking and he replied "I want you to be happy. You deserve a good guy."

 

Alrighty then, so I grew curious and wanted to see where this would go. So I replied with "I know I do. Regardless of where I am now, you were a good guy." He replied "(PROFANITY DELETED BY MODERATOR), no I wasn't." There was a silence. I said "Well, whatever you want to believe." Then he spat out a few more lines about how he didn't treat me good, he was a constant contradiction, I deserve certainty. I told him that I know he was and that I know what I deserve. I also told him that if it meant anything, I was really happy for the time we were together. He responded with some "That means a lot." and then signed off. We haven't spoken since, that was a few days ago.

 

So, I talked to his sister and her boyfriend about it, and they both agree that he's asking because he wants to know if there's still a shot for him, even though he's being a complete idiot right now (did I mention he's *dating* one of his friends? Yea. A very relentless girl who's had a crush on him for several years and tried to sabotage our relationship. Whatever.) Several people have told me that a guy (we really had an intense loving relationship) does *not* want to know if you're dating another guy unless they are interested. I don't bother him, we're both online together all the time, and it doesn't phase me. I'm just curious what he's up to. I'm not giving him the answers he wants, and I think that if he was genuinely asking me out of wanting me to "be happy" because "I'm his friend", then he would have no issues talking to me after that. My guess is that he got upset with himself, doesn't know how to deal with the fact that he *does* in fact love me, and just runs away.

 

Idiot.

 

This whole situation is just so completely stupid. I love him, I do, but I love the guy I was with over the summer. I know that person is still in him, a mature guy who is completely devoted... but right now he's just so afraid of losing that comfortable element he has with his "friends" that he's being a complete moron. I know this is a common thing, but it's a bit frustrating.

 

I'm actually quite fine. I know I'm a wonderful girl to have as a companion, there's no doubt in my mind. He was constantly asking me how he ended up with me (which bothered me a little, but it made me feel a bit good). It's awful when you see someone who has the potential to be such a good partner settle for trash.

 

People have asked me if I would take him back, and in all honesty, I can see myself marrying this person. I have such a strong connection to him. I was almost married once before and I never felt that way with my former. There's something important between us - but, I could never be with this person he is now. He would have to really do a turnaround. Everything would need to be on my terms.

 

So, yes, I guess my question is... what on earth is going on in his head? I know it's pointless to fish for answers that you can only get when time feels like giving them to you, but argh. These little things keep me curious.

 

Anyway, thank you for reading, any comments would be greatly appreciated.

[Scout]

I wish I could tell you what is going on in his head, but I don't know. I can tell you that I totally relate to what you mean about loving someone only to find that they aren't quite exactly what you thought they were.

 

Does that mean they mislead you? Not necessarily. What it does indicate is that during your intense relationship, you idealized him somewhat maybe a little too soon. Sadly, I have discovered through a few similar intense relationships that it's really best to wait for at least six months before you truly can judge someone as trustworthy enough to give your heart to.

 

I'm sure he loved you, but it sounds like he has some serious work to do on his character, if he can be influenced so easily by his friends, and especially for dating someone so soon after your break up that he knew you didn't trust.

 

I do think he cares very much for you still, and it's possible he's tentatively trying for a second shot. I don't think you should do anything at this point - don't contact him, nothing, and when he contacts you and asks questions, continue to answer them the way you have been (which I think is brilliant, by the way - great response to his dating question!)

 

Only time will tell if he is serious about shaping up. I can promise you if you get back together without the original issues having been worked on and FIXED, you will break up again. So, at this point, it seems he needs to step up to the plate and do some real work. Just sit back and see if he is going to. If he doesn't, you have your answer about whether or not you two would be ultimately good together.

 

I know it's terribly frustrating, hurts, but you're handling everything beautifully.

[makeshiftdoll]

Scout,

 

Thank you for your insight. I agree with everything, I think it just helps me to vent these frustrations and realizations.

 

Believe me, I was very tempted to go nuts and say "No! I'm not seeing anyone? Why? Do you want to go again?" but then I had to stop myself and really look at the big picture. Why should I give him what he wants? If I told him I wasn't dating (which I'm not, it would be hardly healthy for me to just jump into another relationship when I'm still feeling heavily for this person) he would take that as "OK, I have more time to be an idiot." So, let him wonder. I know I've been a very positive influence in his life, so I guess I hope, even just for his sake, he comes around and embraces the *right* people.

 

Thanks again

[Scout]

Feel free to PM me if you want. I had a similar experience this year with the same issues - I felt I was a very positive influence in his life, and really wanted to help him discover his potential. Imagine my indignity when it appeared this "gift" was rejected. And the friends thing...yeah, he would blow me off to be with them instead, and last I talked to him, I was pretty sure he was involved with someone he always swore to me was "like a little sister."

 

The reason why I'm encouraging you to keep acting the way you are is because when I did, things worked in my favor. But I lost patience holding my temper in and our last fight was so horrible we are never talking again. That may be for the best, but I sincerely regret letting him see how much he hurt me, and the truth is, a pretty ugly side of me came out in our fight.

 

So I beg you not to make the mistakes I did. You'll just end up feeling so much worse, trust me on this.

[makeshiftdoll]

Our situations sound very similar! The friends thing is a big issue. They really are *not* very good people to him. He has so many health problems, and these people encourage him to do the wrong things, whereas I'm freaking out about him doing these things because I don't want him to die! Geez.

 

I've had my moments where I just want to rip his head off in an email or something. Fortunately, I have very supportive people around me that are keeping me sane. Also, I just had to come to the realization that I deserved so much better than this. If he is the guy I'm meant to be with, then things will work themselves out.

 

This girl he's with now... the reasons he gave his friend that he's with her "We like the same stuff, she's always around." Ummm ok, that sounds like a buddy to me. She's been on his case for years, and he's turned her down so many times (including for me), but I guess he just doesn't want to be alone. Oy. Let him sort his crap out.

 

Thank you again for you support and concern, I appreciate it very much. I will certainly maintain my current state of mind. I've already tried to get things to work, now it's his turn to work for me. If he can't, then I guess I'm better off without him!

[makeshiftdoll]

Hi there, and thanks for sharing your story

 

At this point, I'm not even really upset anymore, just aggravated. Of course, there are nights when I will think about how wonderful I felt during the time we were together and how different of a person he is now... but recent events between us (the awkward conversation re: my relationship status and his admittance to not treating me how I deserved) shed some light on the situation.

 

I know he's in there, he's just got to fish himself out. I cannot do that for him, and that's fine. I don't need that extra stress. He knows I love him and I care about him, and I'm not going to push it anymore. Let him come to me. It seems he is well on his way, and I'm just going to continue to do what I'm doing right now.

 

He is a brilliant person. When we were together, that part came out. He would show me detail for detail what he was doing regarding his career, he would bring things over to show my mother (they got along so well) and he stopped drinking altogether telling me "No one's ever really cared if I did or not." I know I'm a good influence. Let him learn.

 

It's funny, too, his entire family is so upset that we're not together, they all know that he loves me and that I changed his life so much, etc. He just has to grow up. When that will happen is completely up to him, though. In the meantime, I'm just fine being by my charming self.

 

I hope things get better for you. Don't worry about him forgetting about you. If he's a good guy (which you know deep down if he really is) he wouldn't discard your memory like that. I'm sure things are eating at him as well. All I can say (it has helped me) is to leave him alone. If he talks to you, talk to him! Try not to initiate any of the contact, though, but don't make it obvious to him that you are trying to get his attention by avoiding him. That's what I did, and now my ex is starting to ask questions that make me wonder *when* he's going to break down. Not if, when. Power is such a nice thing to have.

[CharlieGurl]

Thanks for your response, makeshiftdoll

 

yes, that makes sense...

 

I had the power for so long. He was always so much more into me than I was in him. I kind of took him for granted sometimes, though...thinking that since he liked me so much, I didn't go out of my way very often to show him how I felt. Heck, I really didn't admit to myself that I liked him as much as I did until he ended it. I mean, I knew I was getting attached, but I never would've guessed I would be this hurt.

 

I always thought if it ended, it would be because I ended it. boy, was I wrong.

 

And now...I have no power over us at all. And it sickens me to see what I've become...how much I think about him and the times we had. It's not even like we're the perfect couple or anything...but, I relied on him for my entertainment and happiness and now that it's gone, i miss him so much.

 

A part of me keeps trying to convince myself that he will regret his decision and come back...like the "not if, when" thing in your case. but, I don't know how realistic that is...

 

I have to work with him (and that girl) tonight. I get knots in my stomach just thinking about going in there. And I'm always looking for things. Tonight I will have to do my best not to search for things.

 

God, this is so hard. I never thought I'd be in this situation with him...ever!!!

[makeshiftdoll]

Hello again -

 

You know what? Worst case scenario: He's dating her, he's messing around with her, whatever. Don't go digging around for things. Expect that worst case scenario, but don't worry about it. If I were you I would be very cordial to them both, but make no effort to pry into either of their lives. In fact, I wouldn't concern myself at all. I know it's easier said than done, but honestly... what can you do? All you can do is make yourself even more sick to your stomach than you already are.

 

I'm sorry to say that my relationship was almost too wonderful. He was constantly showing appreciation for me... in fact, he was always asking me to tell him why I was with him because it made him feel confident and good. I treated him very well, he never wanted for anything, especially love. I also know that I was the first *woman* he'd ever dated. So, I think it was like someone handed him the world's most precious jewel, and he was so amazed at it, he loved it, but he was petrified of it at the same time. So, when all of this happened, I was stunned. He told me after breaking up that his "ideal situation" would be that he gets his crap sorted out and then we can be together. So, yea, I'm pretty sure he really wishes he could be with me right now, but that means nothing unless he works on it or towards it.

 

I would try not to put too much blame on yourself for this. I know it's easy to do, too. You said that you didn't go out of your way to show him how you felt about him, but at the same time you shouldn't have to go overboard all the damn time either. If all of this was sudden to you, then he's definitely at fault as well. He should have expressed his concerns to you early on. These are things you will both need to talk about if there is any chance of reconciliation.

 

In the meantime, just try and keep your mind off of it. I know it must be hard if you are working alongside the person. I would just keep busy, talk to other people while you are there and really pay him no mind. Let him come to you. You are worth it, after all.

[CharlieGurl]

I like the way you put things.

 

I know I'm worth more than this.

 

I also know that he never talks about his feelings and stuff, especially after ending the relationship. And, after trying a few times with no avail (he never wanted to "talk" about things after we broke up), he finally sat down with me last night (while at work..after we closed) and he opened up a little. It didn't make me feel much better, cuz he didn't say he wanted to get back together (which at the time is all I wanted to hear), but sitting down and talking to me showed me that he cares about me.

 

He had some valid points, and some not so valid. He insists that nothing is going on with this girl, but I just don't buy it.

 

Yes, I suppose i'll just have to assume that they are dating or whatever and deal with it now...if they aren't dating now and I accept that, and then they start dating later, I'll have to deal with it all over again. It's just been a whirlwind of emotion that I wasn't prepared for.

 

I care about him more than anyone in this city (his family isn't from here), and I know he knows I'm here for him. But, I do have to be less available. He's got so many "secrets" in his life, and his past that he's not ready to reveal...he told me some things, and has since decided that he got too close to me, and I knew too much about him.

 

I find it really sad. That he can pass up a person that cares so much for him. We had lots of arguments and stuff, but we were very passionate about each other, in an odd way, I guess. I guess we've been back and forth with the power and he totally has it now. I need to get my own part of the power back.

 

I guess this will take time.

 

I have lots of fun with almost everyone I work with. I had lots of fun with him too, but will have to try to cool it regarding talking to him. I think, even if I'm not saying anything to him, I am easily available for him to talk to...and I shouldn't hang out anywhere near him at work. If he wants to spend the night talking to the guys or this other girl, then let him.

 

It's weird to watch her though. She just started there a few weeks ago and doesn't know anything about us. She gets so nervous when she tries to talk to him and stuff...you can see the uncertainty all over her face...it's embarrassing...and I can't see what he would see in her at all..and I don't mean to be mean. No one can believe that he'd have anything to do with her, and I doubt they would last if they are even together...

 

...my mind just goes in overdrive.

 

I think you seem to have much more control over yourself and your situation than i do. i wish to get there.

 

I know myself, and know how analytical I am...I need to stop this nonsense..I'm absolutely killing myself with this.

 

It has to stop sometime...[/i]

[makeshiftdoll]

Trust me, I've been there. This is actually the second breakup of my life. The first one I called off - we were to be married. It ended pretty bad, but we're on friendly terms now. This second one was just... so completely what I want in a relationship, and that's why it's so hard on me.

 

If you don't buy into the "I'm not seeing her" business, then don't. It's easy to make up a million and one excuses as to why he wouldn't be with her... but what that does is leave you biting your nails and waiting for a new flood of "but what if..."'s to take over your mind. If he does get involved with her, try not to look at it as "He's forgotten me, he doesn't want anything to do with me." Odds are, especially since you've said that he has issues and he's opened up to you more than he wants to, that this relationship would be something just to appease his "I need someone by my side" aspect. He probably wants to further things with you, but he's not emotionally at the point he wants to be in his life. To him, you might be everything he wants, and right now that's just too scary for him.

 

So, what you need to do is start looking at yourself in that light. You need to start believing that you are above this. It's hard when the breakup comes out of nowhere, I know. Once you're at the point where you stop questioning what this girl has over you and start realizing that you are a catch, then you'll start to be in the mindset of "Pssht, this boy needs to earn my love back." Then the power will be yours.

 

I hate making it sound like a power play / game type of thing, but in my case (and yours and many others) it is a game our exes want us to participate in. Instead of being an active player, sit on the sidelines and observe. You're still there, but you don't have to deal with all the muss and fuss. If he starts to come around, he'll know where to find you.

 

Be strong, I'm going through the same crap right now. All I can say is to try and avoid any unnecessary contact with him. It's doing wonders for me right now in addition to my ex starting to chase me a little bit.

 

Feel free to PM me if you need to talk more!