Dumpers Perspective..When your ex says shes 'confused'

[Troubles25]

Long story short, Me and my ex broke up Last September. I fell terminally ill with cancer during the beginning of our relationship and it caused alot of stress and anxiety with myself and my relationships with family and her. Since then I have gone NC every other month or so..she usually initiates the contact. In february I found out she was seeing someone 'rebound' relationship but did not tell me about it, finally in June I confronted her about her new relationship and she said she was a coward for not telling me and just didn't know how too, also that she felt me and her weren't fully done.

 

After confronting her about her new relationship we stopped contact, but last week she initiated contact again with me because she had a family member who was very ill and she needed my doctors help. I being on that side of the fence with being terminally ill felt I had to be there for her and I forwarded the information on to my doctor. Since last week we haven't spoken. I'm confused as it's been almost a year since we have broken up and since then every single day she checks my blog to see what im up too..i don't always post and when I do it's usually just what im up too.

 

Since the break up I have grown alot I have allowed people into my life and have left anxiety at the door, I have grown and really gotten back to the guy I was before this horrible illness took over my life. I have bettered myself and i think she has noticed that. Only thing is she is in a relationship and im still so confused whats going through her mind? Everytime she talks to me she still flirts, but never brings up her relationship or ours. As I don't either, but she has said she wishes I was there for her during her hard times as I was always able to comfort her and make her feel better.

 

What is going through her mind? Do I keep LC and only let her initiate contact as I have been doing? I get so confused sometimes as I do still love her, but she is with someone and I don't want to be the emotional crutch in her life.

 

Anyones perspectives or past experiences would be greatly appreciated..please help!

[jumper11]

Gotta go full NC man.. I'm in a similar boat, minus the health complications. Mine even tells me I'm his other half and only wants me. But he's still confused supposedly so, have to let them free. Mine also was seeing someone while we were really close and talking. Seriously full NC is the only answer. Mine texts me or messages every day for the past week almost, and all I can do is disregard it best I can.

 

Because if you maintain any form of contact, you are essentially hanging around - even if you don't mean to. I've done the dance for over a year, so I know its hard. Mine waits around for me online as well and does crazy things. Best thing to remember is at the end of the day, 'I am still not with that person'.

 

It doesn't matter what they're confused about - even if it has nothing to do with you - you have to let them find their way. Because otherwise you're letting them grip to their past while muddled about their future - and it gets both parties nowhere.

 

Ps. When I was a 'sort of' dumper since I rejected my ex, and when you do, you act like a dumper but not fullblown but you say the same things - when I was confused I genuinely was and was on the fence and all the contact was because I was on that fence. But that's not everybody. ESPECIALLY if she's with someone, you need to disappear. For yourself, especially. Don't let her be on the fence. Let her taste this new life of hers - if you stick around at all - she'll never learn what she needs. And you're far more important than relying on a woman who is unsure of you.

[Troubles25]

I hear you..everytime I go NC she seems to contact me 1-2 months later. It's tough, she was there for me during a really hard time in my life and we didn't break up on bad terms. Seems she's in a G.I.G.S/Rebound situation. How do you ignore someone who's done so much for you?

 

Somedays I think I should be fighting for this, others..it just plain sucks. Argh..maybe I should just pack up and go traveling that way she won't feel she can contact me cause i'll be away.

[rapunzel]

Wow, sorry to hear of your illness. Good luck with that. Yep, I think the "I'm confused" line is classic dumper-speak. The person leaving you is a human being after all, with mixed emotions. It's hard to be a dumper, I broke up with my ex after a 4.5 year relationship. I am sure I probably threw the word confused in there and it was a really hard thing to do but I was already in love with another man. Yet I did have mixed feelings and felt terrible about hurting him. And then when I was soundly dumped by the guy I was in love with, what did I hear: "I'm confused". And yes, I agree with the other poster that when your "confused" ex is with someone else, you should absolutely disappear - poof - from the planet. Full No Contact. Traveling sounds like a great idea!

[rapunzel]

Wow, sorry to hear of your illness. Good luck with that. Yep, I think the "I'm confused" line is classic dumper-speak. The person leaving you is a human being after all, with mixed emotions. It's hard to be a dumper, I broke up with my ex after a 4.5 year relationship. I am sure I probably threw the word confused in there and it was a really hard thing to do but I was already in love with another man. Yet I did have mixed feelings and felt terrible about hurting him. And then when I was soundly dumped by the guy I was in love with, what did I hear: "I'm confused". And yes, I agree with the other poster that when your "confused" ex is with someone else, you should absolutely disappear - poof - from the planet. Full No Contact. Traveling sounds like a great idea!

[Troubles25]

Doesn't out of sight out of mind play into perspective? I should also have been a bit more clearer, she told me she was confused 10 months after we had broken up and while she was/is dating her new S.O. Something about disappearing when being in such a bad condition worries that I may leave this world on bad terms with people who played a huge part in my life.

 

She also still maintains contact with my family.

[Troubles25]

Doesn't out of sight out of mind play into perspective? I should also have been a bit more clearer, she told me she was confused 10 months after we had broken up and while she was/is dating her new S.O. Something about disappearing when being in such a bad condition worries that I may leave this world on bad terms with people who played a huge part in my life.

 

She also still maintains contact with my family.

[rapunzel]

Doesn't matter. Confused doesn't mean she wants to get back together, it just means she's confused. She's still dating someone else. That's all you need to know. Yeah, out of sight, out of mind - that can happen to some degree but the dumper never forgets. I still think about the guy I broke up with five years later. We are in sporadic contact since I broke up with him 5 years ago through mutual friends. I think fondly of him but no way do I want to get back together. Certainly I will *never* completely forget him, even if he's "out of sight". He's had several relationships since we broke up so I think he's over me.

 

Sorry not being fully aware of the ins and outs of your situation it's hard to know what to say. You don't have to disappear from everyone, just disappear from her as much as possible. I think if you decided to travel for a while, and notified your loved ones they would be supportive, no?

[rapunzel]

Doesn't matter. Confused doesn't mean she wants to get back together, it just means she's confused. She's still dating someone else. That's all you need to know. Yeah, out of sight, out of mind - that can happen to some degree but the dumper never forgets. I still think about the guy I broke up with five years later. We are in sporadic contact since I broke up with him 5 years ago through mutual friends. I think fondly of him but no way do I want to get back together. Certainly I will *never* completely forget him, even if he's "out of sight". He's had several relationships since we broke up so I think he's over me.

 

Sorry not being fully aware of the ins and outs of your situation it's hard to know what to say. You don't have to disappear from everyone, just disappear from her as much as possible. I think if you decided to travel for a while, and notified your loved ones they would be supportive, no?

[AC Slater]

Hey man, sorry to hear about your situation, although i trust you're making the most of it. I am curious though, are you terminally ill in the sense that your cancer cannot be operated on whatsoever? I'm just asking as it seems sort of detrimental to your own wellbeing to be stressing over things such as reconciling with someone who let you go during such difficult circumstances ... I don't want this to come off ignorant, there's just no "right" way of typing it out on an internet forum, i trust you know what i'm trying to say though... If your time is immediately limited (how limited? if you don't mind me asking) i hope you are spending it doing things that bring you the most happiness and that you're not beating yourself up over a finished relationship. My advice would be to cherish the relationship you had with this woman for what it was - a connection between two people, and to be happy that you had the opportunity to experience it, not beat yourself up over why she left. The reasons for her leaving are irrelevant, she may have lost the desire to be with you in a romantic way or whatever. This doesn't mean she doesn't love you and adore you as a person/companion/friend, and this doesn't somehow cancel out the connection you once shared - it will ALWAYS be there, even if you're not together. I can confidently say without even knowing her that she cares infinitely about you, and obviously you her, what i'm trying to say is that this is essentially all that matters. Everything else (her interest in you romantically, her attraction and all other chemical crap that creates "love") doesn't mean a thing, it was once there, it can be there again, but it shouldn't matter to you either way. It doesn't matter - you should try to see it in this way, and i think that if you can see it this way and appreciate it this way and let go of expectations, and just treat her like someone you respect and shared good times with things will work themselves out.

 

All the best man, sorry if this was hard to understand, it's difficult trying to get certain things accross in this format