Do I have a problem with wanting too much sex?

[Cluedo]

I've been living with my boyfriend for 3 months and our sex life is pretty non-existent. I love him so much but I don't understand why he doesn't want to have sex very often. We probably do it once a month and I'm always the one who initiates. This really sucks because when we do have sex it's amazing, fireworks and everything so we have sexual chemistry for sucks.

 

Sorry if this is too rude but the other night I was teasing him with my butt and rubbing it against his front, I even started rubbing his penis up and down against me...I could feel he was highly aroused but still he didn't want to have sex. He ended up going on his computer in bed and falling asleep...this is always his night time ritual.

I feel like such a s*lut when I try to get him to do it with me! it's ridiculous because he is my first sexual partner so it's not like I do it with just anybody...I love this guy!

 

Am I expecting too much? I start to feel rejected when he shows no interest at all. I mean I did bring this issue up with him a couple of weeks ago and it went well, he paid more attention to me and we had sex for the first time in a month...now it's a stand-still again.

[nca121687]

I'd go elsewhere if I were you. See if other men are sexually attracted to you. At least that way you will know it is him and not you.

[epsilon2x]

It's normal that you want regular sex. Just have a talk with him about it. Me personally, I wouldn't stay with a girl who only put out once per week. You have to decide if that's something you'd put up with for the rest of your life if your relationship got that far.

[Cluedo]

I'd go elsewhere if I were you. See if other men are sexually attracted to you. At least that way you will know it is him and not you.

 

I get hit on all the time! I don't believe it's because I'm unattractive.

[rosephase]

I he on any medications?

It could be that he just has a really low sex drive. You need to talk to him. Ask him how much sex he would ideally be having. Talk about the kind of sex he would like to have. Ask if there is anything you could be doing to help him feel more sexual. It might be that you two just aren't sexually compatible... I mean... it's the first three months that's when people are normally having sex all the time just because they are crazy about each other. It's better to figure this out now and figure out if this lack of sex is something you are willing to live with.

[artman540]

I would go ahead and say something is wrong with him. As a guy I can tell you it is not normal for him to not want sex multiple times a week. It comes with the testicular territory. We have a physical need to have sex.

[Mustachio]

First of all, the advice given by nca is probably the absolute last thing I would advise you to do.

 

I think this is an issue that needs to be brought up and I think its a bit odd that he has practically zero sex drive and as others have mentioned could be a symptom of other things such as depression or who knows.

 

I think you need to talk and figure out a solution.

[BlueEagle]

You need to continue to effectively communicate with him. Make sure he knows that this is means a lot to you and that you would appreciate a candid, nonjudgmental discussion about what can be done to alleviate your concerns. The worst thing you can do is make him feel weird or abnormal about it; it could be an underlying medical issue that he is not even aware of. It could be really anything. If you sit him down and just have a discussion about it without finger-pointing and being accusatory then he is a lot less likely to be defensive and stand-offish. So let him hear you out and see if he is willing to compromise enough to at least try to have more sex with you. If it's a sexual problem, like low testosterone or erectile dysfunction, or other medical problem, like diabetes, high blood pressure, depression, anxiety, then he will more than likely be much more willing to talk to his doctor about it being a potential cause if you stand by him and support him. That should give him enough motivation. I wouldn't give up on him (at least not just yet) and absolutely consider cheating to be a vile option. You said you love him so much, so, do what it takes to find a solution together like you would with any other problem in a relationship.

 

Also, it could be that he's under stress from work or otherwise, or getting a lack of quality sleep, and those things can certainly wreak havoc on the sex drive. Maybe living with him has thrown everything off kilter for him, in terms of his personal space. Maybe there's some bottled up resentment over a fight, or fights, you two may have had and it's plummeted his libido. Only he knows, and the only way you can determine what is really going on is to have a heart-to-heart talk with him so you can (hopefully) find a way to resolve this issue and move forward in your relationship.

[Minx2012]

Communication is key. Let it be known to him that you find him attractive and you love sex with him...then proceed to ask him why he doesn't seem to want to have sex with you, while citing that you both have it only once a month ( which I think is a bit unnatural ). But before you do that, you do have to consider the following :

 

1. Understand that people have different sex drives : Yours is obviously high and his is very low. ( In my personal experience, with my current boyfriend, who I have been with for 5 - 6 years now : In the beginning, for the ENTIRE FIRST YEAR that we were together, we did it everyday or two times a day. Now that we have been dating for 5 years, it has wavered off to once every day or once every two days, which many consider to be still pretty good and high in number ).

 

2. Could he be attracted to someone else ( another female? another male? an object / thing etc? )

 

3. Perhaps what he finds sexy is not something that you find sexy. Again, the only way you will find out is if you talk. Maybe he doesn't like the vision of your butt against his penis. Maybe he prefers the breasts against your penis etc etc. You will only know for sure if you ask or experiment together.

 

4. Is there something going on in his life or your lives together that cause stress?

[littleL_RN]

You do not have a problem with wanting sex too much. It seems that your boyfriend has a low sex drive.

 

I'll just reiterate what has already been said. You have to communicate this issue to your boyfriend. I know it seems like an awkward topic to discuss, but it's normal and mature. If you want to make it more general and less personal, simply ask how often he feels people in an exclusive relationship should have sex. Then, go ahead and tell him how often is ideal in your opinion. The conversation could move forward from there.

 

Although sex isn't everything, sexual compatibility is a huge factor in a relationship. If your wants and needs aren't similar, it may not be the most ideal situation for either of you.

[feelsbad]

He ended up going on his computer in bed and falling asleep...this is always his night time ritual.

 

Maybe he watches porn and is addicted?

[becomingkate]

Maybe he watches porn and is addicted?

 

I dated a man that masturbated during the day and didn't feel like having sex at night. I think we lasted two months!

 

A couple should be sexually compatible, and I would probably bring it up again. If he's not willing to work with you, I don't see the relationship lasting.

[m8check]

I agree with what other posters are saying about his low sex drive. But did you try to find out his reason for not wanting it? Perhaps he is going through something (problems, stress from work, etc) that's why he is not in the mood for it.

[LMJ]

How long were you two seeing each other before co-habitating? What was the frequency like before? Does your BF have some major issues going on in his life ie work or school problems? Is there some issue with you that is making him unhappy which has not been resolved? Barring such things which might affect his libido and relationship with you I would say its very unusual. Most couples cannot keep their hands off each other and you live together so there is absolute privacy which is sometimes a hinderance ie with roomates etc. Seems to me you two should be having sex almost every day. Also, how do you know he is not gay?

[Roxie84]

100% communication. This has already been said by multiple posters, but I want you to see a lot of people telling you to talk to him... so that you will

 

This is not normal behaviour, and it should not be an issue.. especially now that you are living together.

 

Most women in your position would accuse him of A. Porn addiction B. He is sleeping with someone else, or C. A combination of both. Before jumping to such conclusions, it is SO extremely important that you talk to him about this. If you can't resolve this by talking, how could you resolve any other problems together in the future?

[Roxie84]

100% communication. This has already been said by multiple posters, but I want you to see a lot of people telling you to talk to him... so that you will

 

This is not normal behaviour, and it should not be an issue.. especially now that you are living together.

 

Most women in your position would accuse him of A. Porn addiction B. He is sleeping with someone else, or C. A combination of both. Before jumping to such conclusions, it is SO extremely important that you talk to him about this. If you can't resolve this by talking, how could you resolve any other problems together in the future?

[BlueEagle]

Most women in your position would accuse him of A. Porn addiction B. He is sleeping with someone else, or C. A combination of both.

 

Or they'd accuse/assume he's not attracted to her, or even gay. Accusations and assumptions like these can potentially inflame the situation by making him defensive and angry which is not conducive to finding a constructive and candid answer and ultimately getting to the bottom of things.

 

Before jumping to such conclusions, it is SO extremely important that you talk to him about this. If you can't resolve this by talking, how could you resolve any other problems together in the future?

 

This is precisely accurate and something I stressed in an earlier response on this thread. Not only does the OP and her partner need to be comfortable enough to talk about issues like this in the relationship (and as much as we men generally do not like to do so), but to echo the sentiment of your second sentence, this bump in the road is really no different than any other problem or concern in the relationship. If two people in a serious relationship cannot resolve their problems by talking it out then the real issue is not the problem itself (in this case, sex or lack thereof) but instead a lack of (or downright ineffective) communication skills.

 

And it's goes beyond just being able to communicate but how each other communicates. That's why it's so crucial not to try to talk about volatile issues when one or both persons are angry or hurt. It's important not to say something that could be more damaging and provoking, but instead take a deep breath, take a time-out away from each other to cool off and compose each others' thoughts before talking about it together. I think the OP will find that if this sensitive topic is broached respectfully and without antagonism or adversarial undertones it will be a peaceful, honest, and flowing two-way dialogue that might just be a simple misunderstanding or something benign at the root of the concerning issue.