Passionate Love Affair WITHOUT Sex

[SadBlueEyes]

Ok, so I went ahead and did it. I became involved with a married man again, after I swore the last time many years ago, I would never get involved again. It basically started out by just talking, met him by accident after he has pulled my son over for a ticket. He is a cop, actually state trooper. After meeting many times with him on his job, talking, laughing, chatting on line, emailing, we started hanging out innocently by going for long rides on his motorcycle. These rides became addictive, I wanted more and more of him. He was one of the best men I have met in my entire life, and I am 45. He had dignity, class, compassion, fortitude, good looks, character, charisma and he made me laugh so much my face hurt. We innocently ended up one day in my bed after a long ride. I was sore and he offered to give me a massage. I agreed because I had wanted him so much anyway. I was the pursuer, he told me way ahead of time he was married 27 years and never cheated. I felt challenged, and I wanted him even more. During the massage, he got a bit more intimate than I thought he would have, and we ended up only kissing, holding, hugging, laying in each others arms but no sex. He told me upfront he would not have sexual intercourse, because that consitututed cheating and he would not do it. I felt hurt, but in the same sense I admired his committment to his wife. Well, here it is 3 months later, we are still together, having even more fun than I expected and even after I perform oral sex on him, he still refused to have sexual intercourse. We dont talk about his wife alot, I never ask. He tells me about his kids, he is older and they are grown, he is about to retire in 2 years after being on the force for 25 years. We have a connection, so much so that I can tell when he is on the computer, or when he is working police duty in my area, or when he drives by my house. I want him so bad, I am in love with him. I will not tell him this, I do not want to lose the friendship and companionship we have right now. I hope to wait this out until he falls in love with me. He had never said he is unhappy, or bad mouth his wife or discuss any problems he may have. I dont know, and dont ask. We just live for the moment, one day at a time. I have been single most my adult life, married 2 times, first time 7 years, second time 2 years. I pray every nite that he will be mine someday. What does anyone suggest I do for now?

[antzca2000]

some things are better left unsaid.... nm. i decided to edit out the content of my last message

[SadBlueEyes]

Well, where I am going with this is I am hoping he falls in love with me and leaves his wife, or she leaves him. And the sex thing, really, I thought it was confusing too, so I told him we would not do ANYTHING, except maybe hugging and kissing. And I tested him to see if he wanted sex, or me. And he came back to me. And it was his idea not to have any sexual contact from now on. I am the weak one, though, I am sure I will not be able to hold my end of the bargain up. He wants to spend time with me and is not after the sex.

[antzca2000]

well i dunt think the man will give up his wife for you. Like you said, he has kids in the picture, is he really willing to sacrifice everything he once had? Do you think a man whos allowing another woman to perform oral sex on him behind his wife's back would be able to make that kind of sacrifice?

 

I really feel bad about your situation because the feeling of love feels the same for everyone. And I know how hard it is for you. But maybe you should try to stay more realistic, theres really only one thing keeping you linked to him still. "Hope springs eternal", but I dont think theres anyway this situation can turn into a happy ending for you.

[avman]

Um I hate to tell you this, but he's playing you. I don't know how you can say you are having a love affair without sex. You're having sex.

 

He told me upfront he would not have sexual intercourse, because that consitututed cheating and he would not do it. I felt hurt, but in the same sense I admired his committment to his wife

HUH? Ok so he'll do everything in the book except have intercourse because he's committed to his wife. Please tell me you do not see the incredible contradiction in this statement. He is NOT committed to his wife. And he's also not committed to you either.

 

I was the pursuer, he told me way ahead of time he was married 27 years and never cheated. I felt challenged, and I wanted him even more.

Ah, so you seduced him. Hmmm, this does not bode well for any kind of honest relationship between the two of you. Both of you are just as likely to cheat on each other.

 

You asked what you should do. Well you should break off this relationship immediately. It is guaranteed to end in disaster. I'd even bet money on it. He's got no intention of divorcing. You seem to be under the false assumption that you'll hook him once he falls in love with you. Why are you so intent on destroying his marriage? This almost sounds like a mission to me. And once you have him, then what will you do? The challenge is over then.

 

I think its probably a good idea for you to head for some counseling to figure out why you seem driven to this kind of a relationship. There are plenty of available men out there. Choose one of them instead.

[antzca2000]

^ouch... and i thought i was being harsh..

[SadBlueEyes]

Wow, everyone seems to think I am an evil person. I am not evil or else I would have made sure he wasnt able to keep his committment of not having sex with me. I have never felt like this for any man, except maybe when I was 21 my first husband. I truly love this man, and would do anything for him. I dont want to give him up, especially without a fight. And his kids, are all grown up.

[avman]

I did not say you were evil. I said this relationship was wrong. And its dishonest. And your statements that you have made are contradictory to the reality of what is going on. You've said you won't give him up without a fight - but I don't hear anything about what HE wants. And I also don't understand why you continued to pursue him after he told you he didn't want to cheat on his wife.

[antzca2000]

I don't think any of us thinks your evil. But i have to say in your orignal post you made it sound like *all i wanna do is do him, and then ill call it off".

 

Your feelings may be so strong right now but like you said, you felt the same way at the age of 21 and what happened to that relationship? Down the drain?

 

Just cause his kids are grown up dont make things ok, it still hurts them as a family and it'll rip them apart.

 

Theres no competition here, your already on the losing side because your opponent (his wife) doesnt know about this and shes pretty much winning it. The best thing for you is to really.... just give up, this guy may possibly be one of the best guys you'll ever fall in love with, but I can gurantee you theres plenty of guys out there who'll make you feel the same way. Why are you trying for a guy who has no future with you?

[SadBlueEyes]

I continued to pursue him because I felt a connection from day one with him, like a soul mate, a person I had been searching for all my life. And like I said, being single for most my adult life, like 18 years, this is the one and only time I felt this feeling.

 

And I dont know if we will ever have a future or not, but if I dont pursue something I feel so stongely about, I may never know what could have been. I have been hurt so many times before by men, this would only be another notch on the hurt belt.

[avman]

I have been hurt so many times before by men, this would only be another notch on the hurt belt.

 

Well I can guarantee you that it will work out exactly this way. You are now hooked on him, but you can never really have him. You are going to have to face this fact I'm afraid. This is why I'm recommending counseling for you.

 

Its fine to feel connections with people. But I'm trying to tell you the reality of the situation. Its very different than you are making out in your post. And the longer you pursue this relationship, the worse its going to hurt when it ends.

 

Of course you want a soulmate. Thats something we all strive for. But this guy isn't it. He's taken.

[antzca2000]

well if you keep pursuing him maybe he'll turn out to be just a horrible man and you may have missed a chance with your real soulmate.

 

Its hard to say when it comes to chance.

 

But you have to think intelligiently, even if your heart aint letting him go, shouldnt your brain be able to function differently? Think realistic

 

1. He claims he doesnt like cheating, but he spends more time with you then he does with his wife, and he lets you have oral sex with him.

 

2. He says hes completely committed to his wife, but he takes you out on a motor cycle ride and offers you a whole body massage.

 

P.S: When he told you he was committed to his wife, dont you think theres a good chance hes trying to tell you he wants an affair and not someone to love? Dont you think you accepting this fact lets him not feel the guilt of cheating?

 

3. even if he does break it off with his wife, how can you ever trust him? It'll be so easy for him to look you in the eye and say "Hon, I have NEVER cheated on you" while hes thinking to himself "Althought 8 other woman has blown me.....".

 

 

I felt a connection from day one with him, like a soul mate, a person I had been searching for all my life

 

Btw if everytime I feel a connection ith someone means I found a soulmate...... well..... dmn ive got wayyyy too many soulmates.

[SadBlueEyes]

I do not agree with you. From the way he behave with me, I truly believe him when he told me he has never cheated. How do you know that what we are doing together isnt the first time for him? Why would you assume he has done this before. Cant there be an honest man out there, and if he wasnt totally honest, he would have had sex already with me

[antzca2000]

ok and whats making you so sure that he's never done this before? Do you SERIOUSLY believe that he's 100% honest with you when he told you hes never cheated? Im just telling you got to have some doubts in him, dunt trust him as much as you do now. You came here looking for some advice and opinion, and i apologize if what im writing is offending you, but thats seriosuly how I feel from the view of an outsider.

 

If he really just hung out with you and drank with you as a friend, then I think we would all agree that hes a great guy.

 

But here he is getting oral sex, all the while persuading himself thats its not considered cheating. Well if your not his affair then what are you to him? Just a friend? Does he get bjs from all his friends??? Hell if tats the case I need to get to know his friends better.

 

This man is a stinker, leave him be.

[SadBlueEyes]

 

 

We are not having any sexual encounters now, I have stopped that as of 2 weeks ago. And we are still going out riding, laughing, having fun, talking, meeting, and planning our next adventure. WITHOUT SEX, no ORAL

[dannyz4]

Why the attraction to married men? Is it more of a challenge? Do you consider the person he's married to?

 

This guy is obviously in major denial and by saying he won't have intercourse seems to somehow justify his behaviour so far. I think you are setting yourself up to be really hurt.

 

Sorry but I think you should stay away from married men. Us males think with our dicks, not our heads, and who's going to clean up the mess once things come to a head?

[Mun]

Hi SadblueEyes,

I'm not going to tell you that you are wrong. I think you already know you're in trouble--might be why you decided to post?

 

Honey your relationship sounds very good except for one thing.. he belongs to someone else. This is a very difficult situation you have put yourself in. From what you say he seems to be happy at home, and happy with you. None of what he has told you indicates that he is ready to leave his wife for you... and why should he? He has it made. He gets to come and have fun with you ( and not feel guilty because he isn't calling what you two do SEX) and he gets to go home to his wife and the life he has built with her.

 

I imagine that you must feel lonely when you think of him at home with her---while you are sleeping alone. Sweetie this is not a life for you. Don't you think you deserve better? This situation was doomed from the start because you never asked for anything... and you continue to settle for whatever he is willing to give.

 

When a man loves you he wants to be with you and only you. He doesn't want to hide you away like some shameful secret. Of course you don't see this now... when you are ready and you realize that you deserve more in a relationship you will see that in this setup the only one losing is you.

 

He has a wife and he can go home anytime. What about you?

 

I wish you all the best

[SadBlueEyes]

This is only the 3rd married man I have been attracted to, and only the 2nd that I have had any intimate connections with. I have dated over 50 men in my lifetime, and its not that this was a challenge, but that I wanted something and felt the need to go after it. If I didnt, I wouldnt have been able to completely say I gave it ample opportunity to turn into something forever, and I would not have been able to live with that. There are so many uncertainties in todays world, sometimes we just need to take whats given to us in the sense of opportunity and run with it

[antzca2000]

wow your actually stubborn as a coffin nail eh. Why are you posting here? Are you hoping for encouragment from someone here ushing you on? its hard but try not to fight back and resist every single post here, instead why dont you read and feel what we're saying.

[Mun]

SadblueEyes,

Don't sell yourself short girl. There are plenty of single, available men

out there who will treat you with respect.

 

Like I said, until you are ready to be number 1 in some man's life, and not number 2, nothing anyone will say will make much of a difference.

 

You deserve to be happy and to feel special.

 

I wish you could see that.

[rosalind24]

No, she's hoping one of us will encourage her to persue him, break his family apart and turn his wife's life into a living hell in addition to giving her methods of persuing an adultary.

 

 

... You're not doing either yourself, your family, him, his family, your friends any good... you said it's just something you had to try or you'll regret it. I think the same way about being a porn star, I feel good about never acting on it.

[SadBlueEyes]

No, I am not asking for anyones approval here. I will continue to pursue him if I feel this situation will benefit me. And I dont think about his wife, every person has situations in life they have to get through and she is like anyone else. If it happens, deal with it. I dont know, she might even be having an affair herself.

 

And yes, I am doing fine alone. But I want to be with someone who takes my breath away, leaves butterflies in my stomach. Thats what I have with him. Why would I give that up?

 

Every woman for themselves

[Mun]

I will continue to pursue him if I feel this situation will benefit me.

Sadblueyes,

Do you feel that the situation is benefiting you now? You didn't seem too happy about it in your original post. You seemed to be desperately hoping that he would leave his wife and come with you.

 

I will tell you one thing, he is not going to leave her unless he wants to. Do you think he wants to leave? I quoted you here because you say you are persuing him... why isn't he persuing you? Do you think that he might one day turn around and say to you " you knew I was married and you wanted me anyway" because you are the one that is after him.

 

When a man persues you, you have a much better chance at getting what you want from the relationship. Why? because a man will want to make you happy--this is what makes him happy. You can ask for what you want and he will grant it. I don't see that here.

 

There are men who leave their wives, I won't argue that. They usually leave when the mistress gives them the ultimatum : I am no longer going to wait for you.

 

I don't think you are prepared to walk away, how long are you willing to wait?

 

I don't think a woman should ever put her dignity on the floor for a relationship. You have every right to want a loving, full relationship with a man who will put you first in his life.

[avman]

I will continue to pursue him if I feel this situation will benefit me

 

Well then you really don't need our help. Someone who really doesn't care about the trail of hurt and destruction they leave behind isn't really going to listen to a voice of reason.

[casado001]

Congratulations , I am judging you right.

 

There must be something really wrong with his marriage if he has so much time in his hands and his wife wants not to spend any of his free time with him.

 

I would love to make a survey on why guys are having affairs.

 

I would like to be proved wrong, I dare anyone to say that LONELINESS is not the primordial factor.

 

What a fun guy is doing without his wife paying any attention to him?