depressed lonely teen looking for advice

[shorty4ever15]

I APOLOGIZE FOR THE LENGTH OF THIS POST BUT I FEEL IT NECESSARY TO "TRY" TO EXPLAIN HOW I FEEL!!! MAYBE SOMEWHERE OUT THERE, THERE IS A PERSON WHO HAS BEEN OR IS IN THE SAME OR SIMILAR SITUATION. PLEASE READ IT AND RESPOND!

 

OK. Im not very good at this type of stuff, but I have to find some way to get information and some way to talk. I am 19 years old. The last two years have been--well--hell. Most shrinks would prolly classify me as suicidal...tho I believe that I have enough strength and too much fear in death to ever commit such a permanent act. I am constantly depressed. And, I hate where my life is headed.

 

now the story...

 

While growing up, through my mid-teens, I have never really been attracted to anyone. I had some confusing thoughts occasionally about how it felt when i was around other boys, but I never thought of myself as being gay; I never thought of myself being straight either. Anyway, my teen years went by year after year. I was usually pretty much alone--never had a girlfriend or any relationships. I didn't have much of a social life. I did a lot of stuff with family and occasionally stuff with friends but that was about it. Soon enough, it was now my senior year in high school. It started off like any other typical year. But as the year started to progress, I slowly started hanging around this other boy in my class. In years past I had thought to myself that he is good-looking and all but it never went to my head. Anyway, we hung around a lot at school, and then one day during gym class, he asked me if i wanted to go bowling with him and a couple other kids. I was all excited and all--but i didnt ever think of it as nething more than just regular friends. I was just going bowling with a new friend. As our relationship got a little further, we became best friends that did, pretty much, everything together. And then one day in the winter we went sled riding. It was great...but it was something that happened while we were out sleddin'--we started wrestling around. Now this isnt uncommon at all for kids at 17 to be wrestling around i thought, but it wasn't the wrestling around that got to me--it was the feeling that bothered me. I was having feelings i had never had before. It was so absolutely exhilerating (i think thats how u spell it) me being in his arms with him on top of me. Now i know that this feeling is the start of love for this guy...but at that time i didnt know. I became so confused. Time went on and we went sledding more and did friend stuff. and we would occasionally wrestle around on the floor at his house or wherever. And these feeling became more and more powerfully intense. I started figuring out that I was falling in love..with another guy. I started questioning so many things in my life--for instance: im not gay am i? : that girl is "hot"...isn't she? While I thought about these things in my life (i kept them private of course) but me and my friend just got closer and closer. We never fought or nething...we were just like the type of best friends you would read about in some kinda book. I idolized him (and still do for that matter)...we would talk on the phone for hours....he would share his relationship problems. But thats where it all ended. We were not lovers. He was straight (tho i do not know for sure but pretty sure). and as close as friends as we were...i never told him how i truly felt about him for fear of losing...not the kid i love, but the best friend i had ever had. Soon enough...graduation came and went. That was followed by the last summer before we would attend different colleges. It was during this summer that my questions to myself changed. It was no longer...am i gay? but why am i gay? is there neway i can still live a straight life. It was when i realized the truth about my sexuality that my life became a living hell. I am so lonely, and so depressed. I hate who i am.....I am gay and i absolutely hate it. I don't know why or how....but for some unknown reason i am. As much as i try to convince myself im not gay...i always find myself looking at guys...not girls. I have realized one thing...It is most certainly not my decision....I would not have brought all this pain into my life if it was just a simple decision. Some people may say that i have taken a big step by anonymously telling people about this. I don't think so tho. I am in the closet 100%. I could never consider telling neone my secret because i dont know how i would react if the situation wasnt to satifaction. I just wish that being gay wasnt a problem in our hypocritical society. Me and that kid are still good friends. As much as i look up to him i dont think i could ever build up the strength to tell him. I wish he knew, but i dont want to risk losing--well, quite possibly the most important person in my life.

 

I guess the reason i am posting this is for support or maybe some help on what i can do. Unfortunately, i am the type of person that cares what people think about me...even if i dont know them. I dont know what to do...I hate my life and where its headed....I think all i want in this world is for someone who loves me just to hold me and care for me. I dont fantasize about sex....i just wish that i had a true relationship with someone....but i know that the way my life is progressing right now that that aint ever going to happen. and that scares me. I wish more than ever that my friend would still be my friend for me and not just hate me for being gay

 

AGAIN I APOLOGIZE FOR THE LENGTH OF THIS. BUT PLEASE READ THROUGH IT AND OFFER YOUR ADVICE. MAYBE SOMEWHERE OUT THERE, THERE IS A PERSON WHO HAS BEEN OR IS IN THE SAME OR SIMILAR SITUATION.

[antzca2000]

well first, i just thought that perhapes you could be bi-sexual? I mean if you feel a strong feeling towards just this one friend and no other guy, then maybe its a confucious relationship?

 

But I dunt think theres anything wrong with homosexuality. You are who you are and theres no method to make you *not be gay*. Don't feel bad that you like the same sex just because so many other people in society feels its wrong.

 

Anyways I just wanna ask... how was your childhood? I think your strong feelings for you friend came because he was the first person to show you so much love. perhapes it wasnt him that you craved but the feeling of being cared for, which means that you cant be sure your gay if this is the case.

 

Ever try making friends with girls that you enjoy conversations with?

[ghettocracker67]

I agree, maybe your just bi-sexual. Maybe you just need to be cared about by a girl to realize that your not gay. I also agree to the fact that you only care about "one" guy. Most gay people are attracted to more then just one. If you really think your gay, then thats what you are. There is nothing wrong with being gay atttt all. If you are gay, then more power to you. There is always someone who is going to disapprove, but youve got 2 learn to stop caring about wut they think. If you arent gay, then go find yourself a girl u have feelings for and work with it.

[Cadence308]

I feel like I'm in somewhat of a similar situation, but I'm 26. I went through high school without dating much, didn't like to go to dances and even turned guys down who asked me to prom. I avoided relationships with guys because I was sort of hung up on an ex-boyfriend, but I was actually having a crush on my female co-worker at the same time. I wanted to spend more time with her, call her, talk to her, etc. Her and I were good friends, but she was 10 years older than I and thought of me as a sister. At the time, I thought I felt sisterly towards her, too (I was 16-19 yrs old at the time). I guess I talked about her a lot because pretty soon my mom started asking me if I was gay and why I talked about this co-worker so much and cared so much what she thought.

 

I didn't think anything of it at the time, but I went through undergrad and grad school and haven't had an intimate relationship with a man. I've never had sex at all and I have gone out on lots of dates with men and they find me attractive. These have been nice guys with careers in engineering, biochemistry, medicine, etc. and I always found some reason to not be interested in them or pursue something more serious. I kept telling myself that I haven't met the right man and that I was busy focusing on my career and didn't have time for dating. Well, now I have more time and I'm still not in a relationship.

 

Last fall I was teaching a weight training class for faculty at the university where I was finishing my M.Sc. degree and I met a professor in there who is my mother's age. We really clicked since she's a scientist and I'm aspiring to be one and we would talk a lot. She paid a lot of attention to me and asked me about my dating life (I have a post about this back several pages). It finally dawned on me that she's a lesbian and I think she's attracted to me. We still keep in touch. One time she was asking me why I don't date anyone long term and I gave her my excuses and told her that I have intimacy and commitment issues and she just looked at me and shook her head no. I think she thought I was lesbian.

 

Anyway, now I live in a state 2,500 miles away from where I was and I'm really lonely and depressed here. I have no friends and it's been really hard. I realized about 6-8 weeks after I moved here how much I was missing her and starting to think about her. When she was in my class I would see her 3 days a week. I was missing her laugh and I haven't been able to stop thinking about her. Then I started questioning my sexuality. This has been going on for about 6 mos. now. At first I was telling myself that I was bi, but now I'm leaning more towards being lesbian. I am crazy about this woman. I fantasize about what it would be like to kiss her, touch her, make love to her. I currently don't have these feelings towards any other woman or man for that matter. I'm infatuated with her.

 

My mom has continued to ask me if I'm a lesbian. I continue to deny it and really thought I wasn't until I took a good look at my feelings. Homophobia teaches us that being heterosexual is the only way to live and have intimate relationships and that being gay or lesbian has to do with sex and genitals. The truth is that being gay has to do with your feelings and those aren't something that you can change. I think that is perfectly healthy that you are questioning your sexuality. More people should and they would be a lot happier and less judgmental about other peoples' relationships.

 

I know how alone you must be feeling right now. I'm feeling it too, partly because I'm so far away from everyone I know, but also because I'm dealing with my feelings. I'm 26, a virgin, never have boyfriends, done with my education for a while, and my parents and friends are starting to question my sexuality to my face. I'm scared of being found out because women are taught that in order to be someone in life they have to be loved by a man.

 

Sorry this is so long. Are you sure your friend is straight? Does he have relationships with women? Do you? Do you date or have crushes on girls? How do you feel when he talks about girls? Do you get jealous and wish it were you?

 

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk to me about your feelings.

[Cadence308]

I feel like I'm in somewhat of a similar situation, but I'm 26. I went through high school without dating much, didn't like to go to dances and even turned guys down who asked me to prom. I avoided relationships with guys because I was sort of hung up on an ex-boyfriend, but I was actually having a crush on my female co-worker at the same time. I wanted to spend more time with her, call her, talk to her, etc. Her and I were good friends, but she was 10 years older than I and thought of me as a sister. At the time, I thought I felt sisterly towards her, too (I was 16-19 yrs old at the time). I guess I talked about her a lot because pretty soon my mom started asking me if I was gay and why I talked about this co-worker so much and cared so much what she thought.

 

I didn't think anything of it at the time, but I went through undergrad and grad school and haven't had an intimate relationship with a man. I've never had sex at all and I have gone out on lots of dates with men and they find me attractive. These have been nice guys with careers in engineering, biochemistry, medicine, etc. and I always found some reason to not be interested in them or pursue something more serious. I kept telling myself that I haven't met the right man and that I was busy focusing on my career and didn't have time for dating. Well, now I have more time and I'm still not in a relationship.

 

Last fall I was teaching a weight training class for faculty at the university where I was finishing my M.Sc. degree and I met a professor in there who is my mother's age. We really clicked since she's a scientist and I'm aspiring to be one and we would talk a lot. She paid a lot of attention to me and asked me about my dating life (I have a post about this back several pages). It finally dawned on me that she's a lesbian and I think she's attracted to me. We still keep in touch. One time she was asking me why I don't date anyone long term and I gave her my excuses and told her that I have intimacy and commitment issues and she just looked at me and shook her head no. I think she thought I was lesbian.

 

Anyway, now I live in a state 2,500 miles away from where I was and I'm really lonely and depressed here. I have no friends and it's been really hard. I realized about 6-8 weeks after I moved here how much I was missing her and starting to think about her. When she was in my class I would see her 3 days a week. I was missing her laugh and I haven't been able to stop thinking about her. Then I started questioning my sexuality. This has been going on for about 6 mos. now. At first I was telling myself that I was bi, but now I'm leaning more towards being lesbian. I am crazy about this woman. I fantasize about what it would be like to kiss her, touch her, make love to her. I currently don't have these feelings towards any other woman or man for that matter. I'm infatuated with her.

 

My mom has continued to ask me if I'm a lesbian. I continue to deny it and really thought I wasn't until I took a good look at my feelings. Homophobia teaches us that being heterosexual is the only way to live and have intimate relationships and that being gay or lesbian has to do with sex and genitals. The truth is that being gay has to do with your feelings and those aren't something that you can change. I think that is perfectly healthy that you are questioning your sexuality. More people should and they would be a lot happier and less judgmental about other peoples' relationships.

 

I know how alone you must be feeling right now. I'm feeling it too, partly because I'm so far away from everyone I know, but also because I'm dealing with my feelings. I'm 26, a virgin, never have boyfriends, done with my education for a while, and my parents and friends are starting to question my sexuality to my face. I'm scared of being found out because women are taught that in order to be someone in life they have to be loved by a man.

 

Sorry this is so long. Are you sure your friend is straight? Does he have relationships with women? Do you? Do you date or have crushes on girls? How do you feel when he talks about girls? Do you get jealous and wish it were you?

 

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk to me about your feelings.

[cheer_up]

ok first of all i feel very similar to you. i know how it feels to think that your best friend will hate you for being gay. To be honest im still pretty closeted myself. the only advice i can offer is being gay isnt a bad thing, it changes your life drastically and you do sometimes feel totally alone(i have my own outcast world) but i think if you told your friend then he would accept you. i told 2 people and they both accepted it(atleast better than i thought they would. i was expecting to be punched and they just said "cool") If you did finally have the courage to tel your friend i wouldnt tell him that you had feelings for him at the same time. Its a big step and the best thing you can do is just talk about it. there will always be people who want to help. I cant tell you to tell your friend or not but mainly all i can say is dont be ashamed of who you are. its not like you chose to be like that. Just try and be positive, have fun when you want and never feel alone. apart from that erm PM me if you wanna talk about anything

[shorty4ever15]

Thanks for the advice on everyones part. Just reading these replies makes me feel a little better knowing that some people do care. Im really surprised anyone actually read all that.

 

And just to clear something that may have been a little confusing...at first i used to think that i just fell in love with my one friend because of the reasons you people gave, but i did eventually come to the conclusion that i was attracted to other guys as well. Although you have given me some insight into the fact that i guess there is a possibility of me being bi since i have never had ne experience with any girl. But i dont know. I am pretty sure tho that i am gay.

[shorty4ever15]

I don't really know if anybody is still reading this post but maybe someone can give me some advice on whether or not i should risk the friendship of my friend and come out to him and some advice on how i should approach it. I really want him to know, but--one--i have no clue how to approach it--and two--if he hates me for it than im also afraid he'll tell other people. I'd really appreciate if someone could help me out here.

[NotGay,Really]

I really understand how you feel. I became convinced I was gay, and even "came out" to three friends. They were all very accepting. (You may read MY "way too long" story here by clicking on my name and looking up the post.) What was odd, though, is that "coming out" wasn't satisfying to me.

 

I told a very close female friend-- who figured out I had never had an intimate relationship with anyone. (As I assume is true for you.) I also was able to consult with a professional therapist. (I highly recommend this, if it is possible.) She also pointed out that I was reaching a conclusion before I had actually had any experience.

 

DO NOT feel you must rush out and try sex. But DO try and form a variety of friendships with different people. I understand what it is like to become infatuated with one person. (I did the same thing.) It's not healthy.

 

My advice is almost always the same: Speak honestly and openly with a trusted friend. Get professional help.

 

I hope you will be happy.

[mgirl]

shorty4ever15

 

 

If you feel you are gay then you very well could be. Although some repliers have said you could be bi-sexual cos you've only liked this one guy, it may all start with one. Don't be too hard on yourself now. Just let things unfold naturally and see if these feelings continue. I think deep down underneath you know who you are and you need to listen to this. It is not easy acknowledging to yourself that you are gay and in the longrun the only person who needs to accept you is yourself so work on this.

 

If you decide that you could be gay it would be helpful to find a gay youthgroup to join so that you can hang out with similiar other young gay or bi-sexual people (you may have to jump on to the internet and do some searching. You would be surprised but there are gay magazines out there that advertise such groups and clubs). Believe me, there is support out there so please don't do anything irrational. You sound like too nice a person for that.

 

I wouldn't come out to your friend (the one you have a crush on) if i were you. He is just symptomatic of the larger issue. You need to find somebody who is separate to him.

[shorty4ever15]

LIFE SUX!!!!!

 

-I'm gay and no one knows it

-I'm almost 20 and never been in a real relationship.

-I want somebody to love me and someone to love back but it's never gonna happen

-I'm so worried about what everyone thinks of me that i could never come out

-I'm so self-conscious that i can't even tell my best friend

AAHHHH!!!!!

 

Somebody help me. i want to tell my friend sooo bad but just can't. How is someway that i can approach it so that i have a fallout plan in case hes not ok with it?

[mgirl]

Life sucks for everyone then! You have two choices. Either to tell him and be done with it or not tell him and try to find someone who is interested. I wouldn't tell him if you are at school with him or you live in the same neighbourhood, just incase he is not okay with it and it gets out. You won't always have to be this way, it is just the best way to be until you are sure of yourself. As ive already suggested, you need to connect with some other gay people, that way you will not feel so isolated.

[James_533]

Hi

I am 19 years old and I have the same problem as you do. (for the most part) I use to live in a small town that was homophobic. My life was made a living hell because people suspected that I was gay. I of course denied it and still do for the most part. I moved to a bigger city were I have come out to a few people. They were open with it. My problem is this: I meet this guy at work and we clicked immediately. We spend all the time together and when we aren't together we are on the phone. I have developed feelings for him and i am not sure if he feels the same way. I'm not sure if I should tell him or not. He did ask once if I was gay and of course I denied it because of fear of losing my friendship with him. From the way he acts around me and my lesbian-bi sexual friend we both believe that he is gay or at least bi-sexual. He did have a girl friend that he dumped sortly after meeting me. He never had sex or intimate relationship with his ex. am I being hope full or what?

Another reason that I haven't come out is because I was raised as one of Jehovah's Witnesses so if I was to come out than I would not be able to have contact with my family. (MOM, SISTERS,COUSINS

 

Sorry shorty4ever15

I agree with mgirl. U know who u are and that is what is important I believe that you should allow your friendship to grow and go from there. I really don't have any advice because I am in the same predicamennt as you are.

[mgirl]

Well, i wasn't going to respond to this thread but feel compelled to after James' post.

 

James, if you don't come out to your parents you will be living a horrible lie and will suffer for it. At the end of the day you need to stand up and be counted and by not telling your parents or your mum you are gay you are bowing down and living a cowards life. If they really love you they will accept you for who you are. However, if they choose to let religion stand in their way then perhaps you could understand that religion does this to people and hope that they eventually snap out of it to realise you are more important. If they do not accept you this is their decision... there is nothing you can do about it except to kick up a stink. The final result will be that at least you have been true and loyal to yourself. There is nothing that urks me more than homophobia and the associated shame that gay people are forced to experience because of this.

[shorty4ever15]

mgirl.....Your completely right with what you said to James, "you are bowing down and living a cowards life." That statement is very true. I just wish society wasn't so set against something thats not "normal" to them or something they don't understand.

 

I guess what me and people like me need to do is just risk it--i mean really, I feel like it couldn't get ne worse right now so why should i be worried about living a "true" life. We only live once. Do we want to have it be hell all our lives or do we want to take a risk and be happier down the road.

 

I'm gay and it wasnt my choice--so why not just accept that. Screw society, its MY life!!!!

 

I'm going to do everything i can to at least just come out to somebody. Not one person knows so if i can take the step and tell one person than maybe i can do it for everybody. If they hate me then screw em. They must not really care.

 

Thanks to everyone that replied. You've all made me realize one thing--the only chance im ever gonna have to be "truly" happy is by coming out...so why wait. Now i just need to build up some pride in myself and not just hate myself.

[James_533]

Hi, I have already talked with my sisters and one has told me that if it is true than she will have a hard time dealing with it and that she would not want to talk with me for awhile. My other sister said that she doesn't really care because I am still her brother no matter what I decide. My biggest fear is talking with my mom this weekend it will absolutely break her heart. But I need to do this for myself Thank you for talking about your issues and responding so quickly. I leave tomorrow to go see my mom and talk with her. Since I have decided to come out I feel much better with myself and I feel happier knowing that I am no longer lying about something that I am not. And I am going to tell the Guy that I have very strong feelings for That I am gay. I have heard from some other close friends that he too has feelings for me. Bye for now well post SUN sometime depends on what happens on Sat.

THANKS AGAIN

[shorty4ever15]

James, wow. I really wish i had the pride and confidence you do right now. Your taking one of the--if not THE--biggest step in your life right now. So many people don't realize what it's like to go through what we do every day. And most importantly don't realize how hard it really is to tell someone our deepest secrets about ourselves. Just keep that motivation going and everything will work out...hopefully for the best but even if your parents don't take it well....just remember--its YOUR life, not theirs...yours!! Well....good luck with telling your parents.

[James_533]

Well I did it! What a weekend. It went well I think at least I hope it will end well. My Mom doesn't like the fact that I am Gay but said that she still loves me and hopes that it is what I really want. She told me that I could never bring a boyfriend home but that we can still talk and visit with each other come what may. Now I have to say that I can no longer talk with my cousins and Grandparents. I am sad over that fact but if they can't accept me for who I am than that is their fault. I will not hold anything against them and hope one day they will accept me for who I am. Wow what a feeling of relief to be able to be myself to my parents.

One of my younger sisters isn't talking to me at this point of time. But I believe that she will be over it once the shock wears off. I still have to tell my cousins who I live with but that will be after I move out because they would kick me out. Have to go

[mgirl]

Wow James, congratulations! You obviously felt 'ready'. I still fail to understand why people feel they can bully gay people for being who they are but more power to gay people i say. We have to put up with a lot and I couldn't see half those straight people going through what we go through and still come out smiling (no offence to straight people). And Shorty, your time will come.

[shorty4ever15]

James,

 

Wow!!! Congrats all the way. Like mgirl said...you must've been ready. This forum is really something. You just inspired me and we're both completely anonymous.

 

I really hope i can do it too sometime sooner or later (hopefully sooner.)

[Cadence308]

Good for you, James. That took guts. I'm sure your younger sister and cousins will come around. It sounds like your mom was somewhat supportive. It's hard because parents have expectations for their kids and when they have a kid that comes out to them, they have to change their perspetive of you and what they want for you in life.

 

take care

[shorty4ever15]

I can't believe what just happened. I'm still in shock. I am now officially "out" to my parents. Everything actually went over pretty good. They had suspected it and had come to the conclusion a while ago that should that be the case--they would be as supportive as can be. I think i already said this but i still can't believe it. More than just me knows I'm gay. OMG!!!! I don't know how I'm supposed to feel now though. I can't say that i'm necessarily happier but I'm definitely not sadder. My step-mom wanted to smack me in the head--but not for not telling them or even just being gay. She wanted to smack me in the head because im ashamed of myself. I feel so weird right now. I'm out to my parents. Maybe now i can build up the courage to tell more people a lot easier. Now if only i didn't live in a small, redneck, homophobe town. O well. I told my parents and they are perfectly ok with it.

[James_533]

Thank u for your support and to tell u the truth once I realized that it doesn't matter (to a degree)what my family thinks of me being gay. As long as I am happy with my self. I just wish that I did it sooner because I would have been happier with my self. shorty4ever15 life is short and so live life to the fullest as soon as possible. U would be surprised at how many people will be supportive. If not u could always talk here. and there is always someone ready to listen. and really after reading your forum is what inspired me to come out and I hope that I have inspired someone else. that is all that I can ask for. Once again I feel like this huge burden has been lifted of my shoulders. Thanks again everyone for your support.

 

email removed

[James_533]

I don't know what to do.

I have come out to everyone except the guy that I care about the most. Ever since we started hanging out together he has asked me if I was gay. I told him no. I got completely drunk with him one night and he asked me again if I was gay and once again I said no. He left me alone for awhile and then one night when I was driving him home from work he asked again and Of course I said no and than he said that he was. I was slightly taken aback by that.( he had just dumped his girl friend 2 weeks after we started hanging together) Any way we went to his cabin for 3 days and nothing happen. On Saturday night we had a few friends come up and we all got pretty wasted. Any way someone said we should tell our deepest fantasy. There was the normal having a three some and crap like that. Well when it came to be his turn he said that his fantasy was to have me in bed. Nothing happen that night and now that I am trying toget together with him to tell him I am gay he doesnt want to. Or is trying to avoid it. So my question is this is he gay bi or bi curious. If he is bi curious than that would be fine with me because i care for him but am willing to be just friends and if anything should happen than I hope that it doesn't ruin the bond that we have been building together over the last 3months. If he is gay than would it be all right to go to more than friends? Whatever happens he was a friend and hopefully will remain a friend forever. I plan on telling him tomorrow over lunch that I am gay and needed sometime to deal with that and to talk with my mom. Thanks bye for now. Another thing that we use to talk about is adopting kids not having kids of our own but adopting.

[mgirl]

First of all, Shorty, congratulations

 

And secondly, James, what a dilemma, but at least you know he is available to you! If i were you i would do what you suggested... It was pretty courageous of him to 'come out' to you like that.

 

Let us know how it goes.

 

M