I hate myself

[missie]

Hi,

 

Here I am again. I really hate myself!!

I think I just ruined my relationship because of my jealousy.

After visiting councellors, everything went a bit better, but since I can't affort to pay a proper therapy, I didn't go anymore, and yes, jealousy has won, again....

I tried to be honest to my boyfriend so I told him I saw a name of a girl of whom I think he knows her in a kind of chat programme in which we both are subscribed. And he was really mad, because I searched for people he knows, and because I am that jealous. He says I am really sick and I have a huge problem. Well yes, I know, but I really can't help it, I am fighting every day against it. It is really difficult, and I really don't know why I am like this, because he really is the nicest boy I know. I know he loves me very much and that he would never cheat on me. So why do I have those demons???

Yes, a lot of things happened in the past, when I was a child people 'cheated ' on me, I never had friends, children were insulting me, hitting me,... My first boyfriend cheated on me, and my second bf told me every day that other girls were cuter, better, nicer, ... So in the past I had reasons to feel bad.

But my boy, with who I am know is really great, he is intelligent, cute, nice, tells me he loves me every day, gives me little presents, tells me I am cute, he is really everything I need.

 

Please help me, I don't want to loose my boy, I love him too much, and I don't want jealousy to ruin this. What can I do, how can I be stronger?

[xxlarixx]

hi, i have the exact same problem as u, and i know it can be VERY hard. I think the problem here is that you love him so much, you dont want to lose him so every tiny detail that u might think can lead to soemthing else, worries u alot n u get jealus, another thing i think might be that u dont trust him, love and trust r 2 different things, u can love someone with all your heart but not trust them. Your past is a big part of your life, its like a scar thats always there but try your hardest to forget about the past and know that the boy u have now is not your boyfriends from the past. Just trust him and have faith, if it helps: talk to him about it, and make him promise u that he will tell u the truth about everything and anything, n that way u´ll be calmer. also try to make him understand why ur like this (your past) and tell him its very hard for u and that u dont want to be like that, and your fighting it but sometimes it just wins u over. If he really loves u he´ll support u, and remember that the person who truley loves u, loves u not only for your qualities but also for your defects and jealusy is a huge defect (i should know!) but just make him understand and support u. hope i helped!

[missie]

Hi,

 

Thx for your reply. Yesterday I really had a good conversation with my boy. First we had a huge argument, because I kind of controlled him, and was so honest to tell him. Ofcourse he was furious, so he told me he didn't want to talk with me on that moment, that we would talk later on the evening. When he called me a few hours later (with me being nerveous, feeling really bad and guilte until he called me), he acted just like nothing had happened (yep, on that one, he is a real man.) But I decided I really needed to talk about it, I was already running around with this feelings for months and months, and was afraid to talk to him about it. But I thought, well it is now or never. So we talked about it, I tried to explain that I really don't like the way I am, he told me he feels frustrated, because he is really doing nothing to make me feel jealous, and still I do. So I told him that for me too it is really frustrating, because I am thinking and acting in a way I don't like, but I can't stop it, I even don't understand why I feel like that with him.

Yes in the past I had bad experiences, but it is time to forget about the past, and look to the future, because if I don't, I will ruin my future, and that is the least I want.

Anyway, he tried to understand me, he listen really good and I feel a lot better now, because I could TALK to him about it. I don't want him to bring up solutions, just to listen, nothing else. I also told him that I need that, but that I understand that it makes him feel angry if I bring the subject to life again.

 

Anyway, now I feel lots and lots better than I did yesterday, and I hope this is a next step to get rid of those feelings, and that I can be just happy. Because I have the most wonderful boyfriend on earth, who loves me very much, so why should I worry? Ofcourse I know that those feelings will come back every know and then, but I promised him and myself that I will fight them, and won't let them make me silly things like controlling him...