Do I give him a second chance??

[incomingfire]

I would still say follow my advice. I did, it's working and we are off on a 7 day holiday soon!

[regretrevenge]

"His voicemails were definitely immature and childish and he owned up to that saying that he is immature and said he has a lot to learn and clearly can't handle himself in a relationship...this was all said in a voicemail he left me after he read my letter to him. He said he was going to move on and then that's when I finally contacted him after hearing the voicemail "

 

This proves exactly what he said- he can't handle himself in a relationship, he's not ready, he has a lot to learn.

And then you did exactly what I assumed- the second he admitted his wrongs and didn't try to get you back...you changed your mind and decided you couldn't lose him.

 

Trust me, you can lose him. And I guarantee you in 30 days, if you didn't see him or contact him, you're whole life would be completely different then how it is now.

 

It sounds like for whatever reason you have made up your mind and will listen but not TAKE or IMPLEMENT the advice you know is right (and originally felt in your gut). Thats awful you're so depressed and have a lot going on. But in times like these you need to surround yourself with people who make you feel completely loved more then ever. This guy hasnt done that. Its not worth the little bit of happy because its a fake happy, and you will end up even more paranoid and empty then you already are feeling.

 

Incomingfire- she probably will follow your advice because it lets her continue to date this guy that she is sadly afraid to let go of. But your advice also sounds childish- how old are you? The game playing is very silly and doesn't work on me nor anyone I know. As soon as guys sense that sex is a weapon or a girl goes from hot to cold for no reason, they look for girls who are always hot. If guys screw up a relationship then we might as well look to start a new one because we want a girl who thinks we can do no wrong. The best feeling in the whole wide world is feeling like we're a good person, and the most attractive thing on earth is feeling completely wanted. Groveling and "changing" is just not attractive or exciting to us, sorry to say. I suppose if we screwed up but then waited a long time to get back into seeing the girl we screwed over, then it might feel new again. But thats the only safe way to reignite a spark while still figuring out how to better ourselves without being taught.

[dasilver]

Thank you....:

 

I know i keep thanking you...but thank you i love this....

 

loveculture...he's telling the truth....we can do this....

[regretrevenge]

You're welcome Dasilver. You can do it, definitely. It makes me really happy to hear you say that. I'm gonna go comment on your situation in a minute.

[loveculture]

Just re-read. This post is a huge mess in the grammar and spelling departments. Forgive me for typing so quick..I'm at work right now. (Shh) Edited some of my above post, so make sure to give it another once over. LOL

 

Came to add: My buddy said once to me that he wished his ex had broken up with him after finding his original texts. It would have forced him to reevaluate himself after a month or two of silence. But he also said he probably would have become a changed man of sorts and wanted her back in like a year had she done this. In his case this would have been a bad thing (keeping him from possibly meeting his now fiancee), but in your case it might be worth the effort. LOL. That is, if you still want this loser after so long.

 

Thanks for all your advice regretrevenge. Sorry for grammar. I don't pay attention to it when I'm emotional lol. Just want to say that I don't believe in soul mates lol. If we all had soulmates (at least that were meant to make us perfectly happy), people wouldn't be in unhappy marriages for the rest of their lives, etc. "Soulmates" can mess up too.

 

But you know, I'm thinking about something you wrote in your first post. You said that if he was contacting these people in a flirty way, he most likely wanted to bang them. I am remembering that he told me when I told him about an ex contacting me to hang out twice, he told me right away that "for him to be contacting you out of the blue like that, you know he wants to bone you. There is no other reason a guy contacts an ex he hasn't been speaking to like that."

 

On top of it, you are right that he has a lot to learn because at this point in my life I don't really even consider 2 month or 4 month relationships to be so serious or even "real" relationships anymore. I have had small relationships, but I now consider myself to only have one ex bf (because that one was serious lasting FOUR years) so in his case with all his tiny length relationships, he appears very inexperienced in my opinion. I guess this is a bad thing for me because this means he definitely, like he said, doesn't know how to be in a relationship. I'm not even considering what we had to be serious or anything...that's why I don't think I'm too hurt or anything by the break up. I don't have a big problem walking away EXCEPT for the fact that I am bothered by "what ifs." What if he does change, what if he did just make a mistake, what if you didn't give the relationship enough time to grow, what if this or that....One friend told me that for some guys, stopping the flirting behavior and such comes with time and he and I haven't had much time in our relationship or let it truly grow at all yet. We have only seen each other twice a week!! Honestly, we've probably really been dating like 2 months!

 

I keep wondering what if I hadn't looked, maybe he eventually wouldn't be acting this way seeking out talking to anyone because with time, comes respect, maturity, love, etc. I am a big believer that love only comes with time and so with time, comes the other wonderful things that go with it. And I certainly don't think he truly loves me yet. I don't think anyone truly loves someone on 4 months of dating. It's just not possible in my book. I don't want to excuse his behavior, but I can see him doing these things because he is insecure and doesn't know where the relationship is heading yet.

 

Technically, to be honest, I have had a roving eye, pursued some conversations, and been thinking of flirting as well while we have been in a relationship in order to keep my options open because I wasn't too sure about him. I may have been doing it out of insecurity and not wanting to get hurt or knowing where the relationship is heading yet either. I'm pretty certain no matter who I date, I will always be this way in the beginning because I put my walls up and I want to have something ready to fall back on if the guy ends up hurting me. I would eventually stop this behavior once the love really grew with time. That's why I regret looking at his things. That's something that should have happened maybe at the 8 month mark, but maybe in our case since we see each other so little, a year! lol. Cause if by then, he had anything shady still happening, then I'd know he didn't come to love and respect me with time. But I guess who has time for that.

 

I have tossed the idea around, like you mentioned, about bailing out now and then popping back up to talk to him in two months or so. I suppose that might give him true time to reflect like you said.

 

i know my post is full of contradictions. I am just trying to figure out what I want.

[regretrevenge]

This wasnt just a roving eye, this was a lot of complicated shadiness and lying. Guys dont have to be in love with a girl to treat her right. Youre saying wait around and hope he learns to respect you and stop flirting with time? Use that time to be away from him. Or let him move on. Youll both be relieved. For guys the beginning is the best a relationship is ever gonna get, the best theyll ever treat you. Youre going to have the same amount of what ifs if you stay. Only theyll be more along the lines of "what if i left and then we could have gotten together down the line," "what if i missed meetinf someone better," "what if hes still doinf this or worse things behind my back," "what if he resents me or is losing interest.." Might as well at least leave and retain some hope/dignity. Besides, sounds like your guy already let slip that he wishes to bang these girls by what he inadvertantly joked about that one time. Believe him.

Edit: you say youre trying to figure out what you want, but its apparent you already know what you wanted and didnt get. I told myself this after my last relationship and it helped me get through: You can dislike lil things that a person does, but you cant dislike part of who a person IS. This is how he is, how he was, prob will be. You cant do that. Sounds like the lack of enthusiasm hes still showing may even lead to him wanting to break from you, rather then the rightful, other way around.

 

Also, i think you completely missed one long post i made a few comments back on this thread here... Unless it was intentional.

 

And i wasnt talking about your grammar, i was talking about mine! Lol

[loveculture]

I did read the long post you wrote a few posts back. I am taking what you said into consideration, but I don't think I can make a decision without seeing him, otherwise I won't ever be sure of what to do, plus I have to give him some things back and I'm not about to spend money on mailing them. If we happen to see each other tonight, I'll be able to get a sense of what to do. I'll be sure to update here.

[ParisPaulette]

I've read your other posts plus this one. As a woman who found herself in a very similar situation with her ex I can only give you my own advice. After I caught him joining Adult Friendfinders two days after asking me to marry him and repeated posts to Craigslist Casual Encounters women we broke up. He did it all--the crying, the sending expensive presents, the confessions of low self-esteem and needing validation from other girls, because "he couldn't believe he was good enough for me" etc. Also the angry insulting texts and late night drunken calls calling me a filthy bleep, bleep, bleep who made eyes at every guy and was so bad in bed that he was forced to look elsewhere. You name it, he did it or said it.

 

After months of this and then months of NC he finally wore me down to believing he'd just made a bad mistake, because of his lack of self-esteem. I gave him yet another chance. All was perfect for the first several months then suddenly he stopped calling or coming over and was "really busy" at his part-time job. I got suspicious and after a bit of checking found out that the entire time we'd been back together he'd continued to email Craigslist Casual Encounters to meet up in bars and had asked out some girl he met through work. All while telling me how grateful he was that the love of his life had given him a second chance. It's been 13 months since I broke up with him and deleted him from my life. A mutual friend just told me he ran into my ex in a bar crying because the girl he'd been seeing since me had just dumped him after she caught him on an online website trolling for married wives who want to have an affair.

 

My point is you need to stop listening to what he's saying and start looking at what he's doing. He already has cheated on you repeatedly and has shown you that he's so hungry for validation that he's a stud that he will sell someone he claims to love down the river for a few naughty pics and some sexy texting. Don't even get me started on what he did in person behind your back, just that yes he did do it. This man is at best a sex/porn addict or at worst a chronic liar who believes everyone around him including you are so stupid that they will believe him since he's so smart and clever. Is that really someone you want in your life? Is that really the person you thought you loved? I say don't see him again since he will talk you into what you want to believe and he knows this. You do too, but trust me he won't really change. They never do when they've gone that low.

[Sportster2005]

Is it just me or is snooping and spying on our partners acceptable these days? If any one of my gf's went through my phone, or email, out the effing door you go. He's a cheater and you have no respect for his privacy. Good match.