Gloom, apocalyptic feeling my heart is black and I am living a lie

[ATLstudent]

I don't know where to start, I feel a since if pain and despair when I'm around her, rather my unhappiness yesterday.....my mood was amplified or at least unignorable by the situation , I went to meet her at a club, meet her work friends and danced with her , my foul mood earlier in the day was lifted naturally and forcefully, I did a good time at moments but was doing a lot of trying as well,.......dancing with her is like heaven she turns me on, and I am extremely attracted , yet these things will not lift my depression, and never have , but also the situation got more complicated as I stayed out too late and was really dragging , negative thoughts swirling around my head ........her friend who once dated the gay boy we were with commented....I don't know what's going on with him , but I do know hes doing better than he ever has before and he is at his best since he came out.....I'm I gay?? I was really happy last weekend at my first gay club dancing with gay boys , although that's where I met her.....and lips and dancing stole my full attention , would I be happier in a gay lifestyle.......sure I would , casual friends, no bad relationship past to draw from , in sure it would be way more fun, but is it truly me , I dunno ,,,,,,,kissing a guy didn't do that much for me.......so what do I do,continue with her and work through this familiar pain , or take it as I sign in barking up the wrong tree , and ditch the prospects of a relationship .......all I know is when it goes past a one night stand or casual date .....the more I am into a girl and the more she has going for her, the worst I feel , it's petty mucked up

[SpottiOtti]

Hi, Student. I was a little confused by your post, but I think the gist of the situation is that you are not sure if you are attracted to a girl you are dating or not? You feel pain and despair around her at times, and very happy at times? And you feel that you would enjoy a gay lifestyle (what do you see as a gay lifestyle exactly?) but felt nothing for a guy you kissed, so you're not sure.

 

Am I interpreting correctly? Please advise.

[ATLstudent]

Yes spotti, that's spot on....I was writing sort of as it came trying to feel what I really mean.......for me going out to the gay bar it was this no strings attached (not really in a hookup sense, although maybe in a way but girls included) just being single and out having fun, it's like I can't get into intimacy or I dunno what but once I care about someone and it would bother me if they kissed another guy or didn't want to be with me I freak out and get super depressed , I had things happened with girls childhood flings and such tjat u remember getting devastated by emotionally, I was in a bad mood last night and I guess nothing and no one could get me out of it, and I saw all these other people so happy , so then I question my sexuality with regards to happiness , I do have gay bi curiousities and tendencies , but do far never been super attached to guys, but definitely to women.

 

But yes you got it , any advice

[SpottiOtti]

To me it seems that the bottom line is two-fold.

 

First, you are depressed. Have you sought help for this? Depression is no joke; I wouldn't wish it on anyone in the world. I hope you are taking steps to cope with your depression.

 

Second, you are confused about your sexuality, it sounds (and this is possibly contributing to your depression?). How could you get clearer about it? Do you have any ideas about actions you could take that would fit you best?

 

Other thoughts about your post: You seem to be quite attached to the idea of NOT being attached to anyone. The "gay lifestyle" (in quotes because it could mean different things) appeals to you for this reason. What are your feelings about attachment?

 

You get upset when you perceive that someone is rejecting you, even if you don't feel strongly about them. I think that is normal to an extent; humans don't like rejection. But if you are already depressed, rejection hurts so much worse. Thoughts on this?

[ATLstudent]

Going to the gay club was part of me taking action and exploring my sexuality .....always Confusing because it's like I have to make myself do it, and it turned out to be fun and I was turned on by one guy.....but walking around day to day I look at women not men, although I used to exclusively watch gay porn, not the case anymore but....so that was an action, I can keep hanging with gay people and go to clubs and see what happens.

 

As far as attachment I am thinking of females and remaining single , to avoid this pain and all th worry I have when I am interested in someone , but obviously in reality I would like to have a long term relationship but don't want to feel the gloom i have felt in the past . Ive never "liked" or crushed on a guy so i am assuming I wouldn't get hurt by a guy.

 

My depression comes and goes I want to get through it, and it does make things harder*

[SpottiOtti]

Have you ever heard the theory that sexuality is a continuum, with straight at one end and gay at the other, and that most people fall somewhere in the middle? Maybe that's you too. You seem to fall more on the hetero side, but maybe you just haven't met the right guy yet.

 

Or maybe you fall more on the hetero side usually, but are exploring further up the continuum because females have hurt you in the past. Your primary motivation seems to be that you avoid pain. What happened recently that made you hurt so much?

[ATLstudent]

There's a part of me that really is convinced i'm gay. At an early age in my life I became aware that I got aroused from thinking of males.....but growing up I never had feelings or was attrached to my male friends or guys in school but at the same time was very attrached to females in school and had crushes and girlfriends. But it's feels like that idea I am gay which my fantasy and masturbation patterns convinced me is deep set in me or something *because I feel the need to acknowledge I am truly gay, it feels relieving just typing it. But if I break it off with this girl now , I know I will just be chasing female around the city as usual......it's like this crisis in mind only comes up when I get into something more serious with a girl....when I am single and alone I don't think about it as much or at least not with the same severity and I am just attrached girls I see around....,I have the impulse to want to just hook up with Girls because I'm attached and none of these worries in my head matters because it's just casual.*

 

As far as the pain I think it's a mix of previous relationships and the gay question in my head ,,,,,,,I was really devastated at a young age by childhood girlfriends and associate a lot of pain with relationships and girls from high school and college, a time when I was terrified to try anything physical in fear that I was gay and it wouldn't work, which left me running from girls or us just ending it, and a lot of alcohol abuse as well. it was like these girls I had romantic feelings for we're going to be stripped away from me because I could never have them..... Because I thought I was gay , it was never going to work out in my head , when I really was wanting a relationship with a female and felt immense pain with the thought of it not being able to work .

Yesterday I was in and out if the gloomy depression , and when I gave it some thought I pinpointed a certain image that brought me to tears and really focused all the negative emotions........I thought about the girl I went on a date with the other day who is beautiful and I thought about her living another life without me in the future being happy with a another guy in a long term relationship or a marriage and the fact that I was not even a memory in her mind, she was a million miles away living another life ,,,,,,,,and that made me break down , and it's that feeling with girls that really hurts , that they won't end up with me.

 

I am very attracted to this girl but it hurts too

[meoww]

maybe you should talk to the girl you are dating about how you are feeling. Not necessarily about being bisexual, but about your fears of abandonment? If she's a keeper she'll be more than happy to reassure you than she's not going anywhere.

 

maybe you should also consider going further sexually speaking with guys, then you will actually know if you are truly attracted to both genders. Better to find out sooner rather than later. I know of people who have had only heterosexual relationships who have later developed same sex relationships. Some of them went back to being straight, but I really do think you fall in love with the person, not their gender. It's much easier said than done but I hope you can overcome your feelings of shame about your sexuality, regardless of your orientation.

[ATLstudent]

Thank you, i am going to start talking to more guys