Husband is cheating.........

[Hells_Fairy]

Alright.. here goes. My husband and I have been together for about 3 1/2 years now and we have one son and I have an 8 year old who calls him Dad. My husband has never kept a job because they take out so much child support, (he has two other kids). He doesn't really take care of them or care much about them for that matter.

 

We recently lost everything because he wouldn't keep a job so now my kids and I live with my mother in a garage apartment. He has since gotten a job driving a truck, which I got him. I got him his license back and his truck. He makes great money except for one thing. I don't see any of it. So, I suspected something because he started acting funny and I hacked into his cell phone and got all of the suspicious numbers and started calling.

 

Well, it turns out that he had an 18 year old riding in his truck with him and he is 30 for like a week. This whole time I knew, but he wouldn't tell me. I would tell him that I wasn't stupid and to spit it out. He never would. One night after I talked with the sister of the girl that was riding.. he called all scared and everything and finally he fessed up. He told me that there was nothing going on and that she was just going to drive his dead head miles,(he was working for the FIMA project/hurricane disaster).

 

Well, I was willing to forgive that and then I took a trip to see him because he hasn't been home in almost 3 months. He was so different. Now all this time he was telling me that he wanted our family to work and that he loved me and the kids and he was going to fix everything. The trip was miserable and we fought alot, we didn't have sex. We haven't really had sex in the last year and a half. But then even though we fought while I was down there and for the last year and a half, he still said he loved me. Now he is with this girl and he says that he doesn't love me. He is not the one who told me all of this... we haven't talked since I was in the hospital and I figured out that he was still calling her. I ended up taking all of the money out of the account and haven't talked with him.

 

Now his mother is telling me that it was over a long time ago. She even got mad at me for filing for child support and talking with a lawyer because she says that it's just the way that he is. There is nothing she can do. Anyways.. I just want some insights on why he used me for so long. Possibly from a mans perspective. I know that most likely in his mind he was thinking that I can have a girl back home and one on the road too. I also know that he was thinking that I would never leave him, but that isn't the case now. I am not as hurt as I was, I am more pissed off than anything because in the end, he will lose his butt and realize that he screwed up. Don't ya think?

[sisterlynch]

This is a very difficult situation for you and all the children involved. Do what you can to move forward after this marriage. This is a very devistating way to treat someone. I assume that he will come back, men normally do...however in this case he will probably find out that things have turned out to be very different for him too.

 

You will move forward and he will need to then seek permission to see his children again.

 

Good Luck, go in peace!!

[OldGuy]

Boy I read this and I really got mad.

 

Lose this guy as quickly as you can. Your biggest concern needs to be your kids.

 

I can't begin to tell you how I feel about men that treat women and childen this way. This slime now has three children that he has burdened others to care for.

 

I am sorry to tell you that you probably will not make him realize he has screwed up. He is just going to blame you, just the way he blames the mother of his first two kids. When he's my my age and has three kids that he does not know, only then will he realize how bad he screwed up.

 

Since he has already shown that he would rather not work than pay to support his children, you should consider forgoing child support in return for him forgoing visitation. Then you can get him entirely out of your life and try to find someone decent.

 

I'm sorry for your suffering.

[Scout]

Anyways.. I just want some insights on why he used me for so long.

 

What you really should be asking yourself so you don't end up with someone like your husband in the future, is: why did you let him use you for so long?

 

I am sure you had many, many red flags in the beginning that you could have acknowledged and acted on. Any man that won't work in order to avoid paying child support is not someone I'd want to share a future with.

 

I really think you should seek counseling from a good therapist. It sounds like you could benefit from it, and get some much needed peace of mind, and resolve not to get back with this deadbeat.

 

And post here as well...this is a great sounding board, but you will get lots of different viewpoints, some maybe not what you want to hear...but in the long run, could help you understand some things more clearly.

 

I'm very sorry you're going through this, but I do believe you have the power to come through it much stronger then you were before.

[Hells_Fairy]

I really appreciate all of your support. I take every opinion into consideration. I would like to say that yes, there were many red flags in the beginning that made me wonder. I was just to attached and dependant to do anything about it. I loved him of course, but still, that's no excuse. Ughhh.... I am so tired of feeling this way, yet, it's only been two weeks. This affair has been going on for about two months now. I believe that they are living together already. Whatever floats their boats. They deserve each other as far as I am concerned. I know I can do much better. Still, even though I know that... it doesn't take the pain away and all of the using feelings. Men and women for that matter can be such idiots.

[Scout]

Ok, glad you realize that you were vulnerable, etc. and that played a large part in getting involved with him. It's always good to know these things, so that when you find yourself in a point at life where you're scared, vulnerable, or just lonely, you realize you are extra susceptible to getting involved with people that in the long run, aren't very good for you. And then you'll avoid those situations in the future.

 

So that's that. In the meantime, what are some positive steps you can take to making your life more manageable for you? When we're depressed and upset, it's good to try and focus on what action you can take to at least alleviate some of the pain.

 

Do you have a good support group of family and friends? What's positive in your life right now?

[Hells_Fairy]

I do have a good group of friends and family. Family especially since they never liked him to begin with.

One thing that I can't seem to come to terms with and that's why in the world did he act so sincere and tell me he loved me and the kids and then turn around and lie to me about the whole thing even though I knew to begin with? I mean, I know the answers, but it just seems to me like it would have been a waste of my time and I would have told him if I were in his predictement. That's another thing, when we were together we always said that if the other one had any thoughts on being with someone else or any thoughts that might have arised about that topic we would tell the other one. Well, I guess I just answered that question for myself.. because he is a pathalogical liar. Maybe I am searching for some different answers other than my own.

[DBL]

People just plain out lie and tell you what you want to hear. In past I remember a girlfriend telling me, if you ever cheat on me please tell me so I don't have to look like a fool. You all probably already know the outcome to this. It was winter, and there were footprints going to her window.

 

I think some people say this out of guilt. I would be suspicious if somone ever said that to me again. I would say it is all done and over with, you are just going to waste your time trying to figure out why he did what he did, not like he has a reputation of telling the truth anyway. From what you describe the signs where there before all this anyway. If the guy doesn't want to take care of one family, he won't take care of a second family. Your x cares only about himself...and went and got him the bigger better deal in his mind. On a good note, most likely the relationship with the 18 year old won't last forever. Thats a big age gap, and she is probably sleezy anyway.

 

Hang in there

DBL

[OceanEyes]

Family especially since they never liked him to begin with.

 

I've learned this lesson the hard way - listen to your loved ones about men you date, especially your mother. My mother has been right about every man I've ever dated, every friend I've ever brought home for that matter. They know you, and they know what's best for you in most cases, before you do. Of course this isn't always the case, but in most cases, all it would take for my mother to have an opinion of a man I brought home was for her to meet him once. There is some sort of maternal instinct and they just *know* what kind of person he is.

 

It sounds like you've been through a lot, but are holding up pretty well. It's sad that you had to go through something like this. On the other hand, I think it's better that you found out early on what a deadbeat he is, rather than 10 years down the road. 10 years is a long time to waste on a two-timing piece of trash.

 

You sound strong and confident, good for you. Use that anger you have towards him to build yourself up into a stronger person - anger is always better than pain.

[OceanEyes]

People just plain out lie and tell you what you want to hear. In past I remember a girlfriend telling me, if you ever cheat on me please tell me so I don't have to look like a fool.

 

This is sad but unbelievably true. People always say this to each other, it's just something we say to reassure ourselves that the person we trust will tell us, should he/she ever get the urge to start seeing other people. It's never worked that way in my experience, people are always too scared and selfish to just come clean and give the victim a chance to escape before they're walked all over and lied to. I can't deny that I haven't been one of these people - on both ends. C'est la vie!

[DBL]

Ocean you are right about the mom thing. I don't think there were too many times my mother was wrong about her instincts about someone I brought home. Sometimes I have to explain to her, "mom it's not about her character, just take a look at that body!". One time I brought home the school tramp, my mom actually liked her. Said she was good converstation. I'm like mom...she sleeps with everybody. My mom says then she must had a lot of practice talking to moms then.

 

DBL

[Hells_Fairy]

Yeah, I would agree about the whole Mom thing as well. There have been countless times that I can remember my Mother saying, "Listen to me, I am usually right".. and I always find out later that she was indeed.

Something that I didn't mention earlier and that was another reason why I am so pissed. I have never been in love with this man until we had our son and even then I wasn't head over heals. Now, I am mad because I am in the position he once was and I am in his. I can honestly say that he was in love with me at one point. I am certainly not making excuses for what he did, I guess I am trying to justify things even though there is no justification in what he did to us.

I would like to ask another question... right now I am in the stage of trying to get him to lose his butt and by doing that I would like him to lose his job. No job, no girl, back to his crap life again.. without me this time. Anyways, I know that he has warrants out and he is letting this girl drive his truck and she isn't covered on the insurance and doesn't have a license either. Not only that, but I have filed child support against him and so have the other women. Right about now he is $30,000 behind in child support with both of the other women and children. Is there anything that I can do to make him lose his job? I mean, I could, but I am not going to do it in the way that I want to. Let me know... thanks so much everyone for your continuous opinions.

[DBL]

I always felt one good turn deserves another. I don't show much mercy to those who betray me. I feel if you do something wrong you need to pay the price. I would absolutely make his life more miserable then before. Just remember though, you may have to pay consequences for your actions. You don't want to sit there one day and say "why did I do this? all I had to do was just let this go", this all after your revenge back fires. We can never determine the outcome of revenge. It's like someone calling you a name, then you knock them upsdie their head, next thing you know the person is dead, then you think...all I had to do was walk away. This was actually a true story that happened to one of my friends a few years ago. So be careful what you wish for, especially since you are bitter right now.

 

DBL

[OceanEyes]

Well, just remember that if he loses this job, that pretty much guarantees that you won't be seeing a dime from him. I know that you're seeing nothing now, but without a job, it's difficult to even bring legal action against him. Does he even want to play a role in his son's life?

 

I can understand your anger and I wouldn't blame you if you did do something drastic.

[DBL]

I don't think she is going to get anything anyway. If he didn't want nothing to do with his last family he probably won't want nothing to do with this family. I would be more worried about if he loses his job he is going to try to use you for a place to live.

 

DBL

[Hells_Fairy]

Well, I am honestly not worried about the money. As strange as it sounds. I am not saying that my kids don't deserve it, I am saying that I don't expect to see a dime anyways so what difference does it make.

I have had some thoughts on what to do... since he makes all this money, can't I get my lawyer to reverse the charges on him. I mean, is there a way to have him pay my lawyer instead of me? I am wanting to take him to court over child support, divorce, my Jeep which we got a loan off of because he wanted to start a business, and abandonment.

Let me tell you a little more about my Jeep... we went down to get the loan and I bought it through my brother who also co-signed for me and then when it came time to give the title up, I forged my brothers name. Now, my brother knows about this and is pissed. I was under some heavy medication at the time and my husband could have stopped me, but didn't. Now, my Jeep might get repoed and I would literally die if that happened. Then I would really have nothing. Does anyone know what I can do about the warrants or anything at all? Also, this girl that he is with has been in drug rehab numerous times and has a child that got taken away from her. My husband might try and get visitation out of spite. Do I have any grounds to stand on regarding that.

Please help.... anyone!

[Mun]

Hi Fairy,

You know I do feel bad for you and all the things that you have been going through. I can just imagine how hurt you are about your husband cheating and lying to you. I see that you want to hurt him back, but honestly that is not going to change much of what has already happened.

 

I think it's time you start to think about you and your children. Leave your husband to face the choices he has made. Sounds to me as if he has never had to be held accountable for the things he has done. There has always been someone there to "save" him from himself. Or am I wrong?

 

About your Jeep, you are going to have to talk to your brother about that signature. Try to work something out with him--he might understand why you did what you did.

 

Girl, like I said think of yourself and your children. You are going to have to pick yourself up and start all over. I think you have probably figured out that the only person you can truly depend on now is YOU.

 

This is YOUR life and you have the power to change it for the better. Believe in yourself.

[OldGuy]

I have already told you what I think of this guy. But muneca is right, "getting even" can consume a lot of energy. That could distract you from the things that are important, you and you kids.

 

I would again advise to try and get him completely out of you life; try to have him not have visitation with the child. In the end this will be best for you and your child and in about 10 years will be effective than anything else in showing him the error of his way.

[Hells_Fairy]

Oh man. I have found out more today than ever. He called me this afternoon because I took all of the money out of the account. Said he was going to kill me and my kids and my mother. Called the cops so that I can have it on record. Which by the way, he finally fessed up to having that girl. This was not a pretty conversation. Then his mother and I got into it big time. She called me all kinds of names and said that I was spiteful and all kinds of crap. All because I told her that I was going to eliminate all contact between my son and her. Then, my ex's sister in law calls me up and starts telling me that the whole thing between my ex and I have nothing to do with my son and the rest of the family. Which by the way I found out that they are just living on the road together and they don't have a house yet.

Here is the crappiest part... every one of them thinks that I had no right to take that money after he was so far away and left with no money for gas to get to the next place. I told them that I had every right to that money(the cops also said he has no grounds to stand on if he wants to sue me for the money) since we are legally married. Not only that but because he left me and the kids stranded for so long living a lie and was able to spend thousands of dollars on the other stuff but not myself and the kids, I don't think so. Anyways.. I am so mad right now.. I can't type much more. I 'll get back with everyone. Don't hesitate to let me in on your opinions.

[OldGuy]

Spend the money on a good lawyer.

 

Get a restraining order to keep him away from you.

 

Make sure the rest of the family is covered by restraining order.

 

Call the cops EVERY TIME he contacts you.

 

That kind of threat has to be taken seriously.

[Hells_Fairy]

Man, everything is just so messed up right about now. I am doing much better as far as emotionally goes. I pretty much could care less about what he does and who he does it with. I am just mad at the fact that his whole family is taking up for him when they know that I did nothing wrong and he did everything wrong. The truth is that they all do it themselves. His mother is married to a man that lives in another town and he comes in on Sunday's to give her money and then goes back home to his girlfriend and kids. His Dad did it to his Mom.. so on and so fourth. It's just a pattern.

The main thing that I am worried about now is the threats and taking him to court to legally help him lose his butt. Legally he is going to be gone. I told him long ago not to mess with me because I wouldn't put up with all that everyone in his life has. Stupid boy.

Anyways, I'll continue to let ya'll know what's going down. Thanks for your support.

[Mun]

Hi there,

I do hope you are doing better emotionally. It must be so hard for you, but I'm sure you will make it.

 

His family is going to stick up for him because.. well.. they are his family. Like you said they have all done this sort of thing so I can only guess that maybe to them this is a way of life.

 

Like I told you before, you are going to realize that the only person you can count on is yourself. You have the power to stop all this right here by not being a part of it. Take yourself out of that situation and look out for yourself and your children. You all deserve a better life.

 

Do take his threats seriously and do whatever you can to be safe.

 

Be strong

[Hells_Fairy]

Just thought that I would tell everyone that I filed for divorce today. I doubt that he will show up in court so I might just get everything that I want without a fight. If not, then we will take the hard road if he wants to play. I am going to do anything in my power to make his life leaglly hell and get everything that I am entitled to. Thanks for reading! I'll keep you posted.

[Hells_Fairy]

Well, not much has gone on in the last few weeks. I did get a lawyer and so did he. They are now trying to negotiate. I haven't spoken with my ex in such a long time so I don't have to worry about him contacting me. I did get the other two women child support that they deserve. It's so funny now because instead of trying to get him fired, I did something much worse.. we are taking his money. These kids deserve every penny that they get. That's what is important to me now.

One thing that still gets me though is.. how can the other woman that has one of his kids hate my guts? I mean, I gave her child support when my ex and I were together. I literally took it from his pocket and gave it to her. Now she is getting it again, thanks to me.. again. Ughh.. people are so ungrateful.

I haven't heard from the family either. No one called on my son's birthday or sent a card or anything. I was so angry, but it was expected. That's the sad part of it all. They say that they love him and want to be in his life, but yet they don't make any attempt? I mean, if my ex had my son and I was the one who did it all to him, I would still make an attempt to contact my son, or send him a card or something because it wouldn't be between my ex and I anymore, it would be between my son and I.

I am still doing well emotionally. I have my up and down days like normal. I can say that now, I thank God every morning that he is not in my life anymore. I have so much to look forward to.

Thanks for reading everyone.. and thanks for replying to all my post. If you would like to add your opinion, that would be great. Thanks all, I will still continue to keep everyone updated.. TAKE CARE-GOD BLESS!

[OldGuy]

Thank you for posting an update.

 

I am sad for you that your life is the way it is. I hope once this man is out of your life, you find someone who truly cares for you.