What is going on. Please help

[wanger]

Hi

 

My fiance and I have split recently. We had 5 years together and have been engaged for 3 of those. Things were so great for the first few years that we thought it would last forever. Unfortunatley we started to take it all for granted and stopped really communicating. The last year, there have been more bad times than good times. I stuck my head in the sand beccause I thought we were going through a bad patch and was not being listened too. She thought I did not love her and was not lisening to her. We split for a break 5 weeks ago. We own a house together and she has moved out to stay with friends. My father was also very ill, and I was suffering from work related stress, and felt that I was getting no support at home. She felt similar from me.

 

We tried NC, that did'nt last more than a week. We moved away from my home town 3 years ago to a new area, where most of her old university friends live. Her friends never made an effort with her whilst we lived here, it was always her making the effort. All my friends live over 200 miles away, and I have made no new friends down here. I am one of those people that can get on superficially with anyone, but only bond with a very few.

 

We have agreed to spend some time dating, and did have a lovley day together, which turned into a week. It was just like old times; laughing, holding hands, cuddling all night (no nookie though) even talking about the future tgether. It did go a little bad towards the end of the week (me applying a little too much pressure), but was fine the following day after we talked about it. What hurts me so much is that we have been so open and honest with each other, and know where we went wrong and how to fix it. She says she does to, and knows that I can make her happy. She says that she is just tired and does not know if she wants me to make her happy. She wants to date to try and rekindle that passion. I have told her, and written, and emailed etc, how I feel about her. I have also told her that she has as much space as she needs.

 

In the middle of November she has to either find a place or consider coming back. I am realistic enough to know that it might not work, but I find it so difficult to let go without giving it a try. I, maybe unrealistically, feel that if we do try and it does'nt work out that we will t least have tried with this new found understanding. She has always hated talking on the phone, so conversations are ussually very brief. E-mails seem to get misinterpreted by both of us. Letters tend to be from me (I love you, want you back, make you happy / proud/ etc....), letters from her are more (I'm doing this, XXX thinks that.....). She says that she needs time to be happy again and is reading a number of self help books, copies of some she has bought for me.

 

Although, I am trying to be as objective as I can be, it hurts so terribly not having her near. She is adamant that she wants to date to see if we can get it back. But have we been on a date, or been able to arrange one yet? Nope. I did say, and she agreed that we should stay away from home when we date, as its too easy for me to turn into a blithering idiot.

 

I don't know if I am simply being a security blanket for her until she sorts herself out, or if she is sincere in wanting to date. She says she does, but I see little evidence. Maybe she is scared of her feelings for me, as we were both so intimate on that week we spent together after the split. I guess I am out of sight, so also out of mind. All I know is that I am so confused, feel like I am dangling on a string waiting for her to pull it. She is very non-confrontational (not just aggressive, but also emotional), and I am scared that rather than facing up to her feelings (one way or the other) she will simply ignore them until she wakes up one day and realises what we could have had. (She admitted that she has done that in the past).

 

I have enough experience of life (34 with a number of relationships, good and bad) to know that we can be so right for each other, and that I will never meet anyone again that is capable of making me feel the way she does. I have had a grand total of 12 hours sleep in the past week and have eaten about 5 meals. I know that I am not alone, but every waking minute I am thinking of my lost love. I just don't know what to do. I feel like going off and seeing someone else just to see if that gets a reaction, then realise that I could never forgive myself for either hurting "someone else", and more importantly jeaopordising our chances. I just feel so useless. I guess that that is part of our problem, as I do have a an element of control freak that I'm working on improving.

 

I'm lonley, confused, and so totally lost. I don't know what to think, do, say or act. my thoughts are a whirlwind of love, regret, resentment and desperation. I know that we will meet up, but the way things are going its allways going to be on her terms. Please help.

[arwen]

Hey wanger,

 

What you need is clarity on the relationship from her side. She is obviously not in a place in her life to commit fully to you. You say you have a bit of 'control freak' in you. I can relate to that. However, for people who have this characteristic, it is important to realize that you should be a control freak for things that you actually HAVE control over.

 

Because usually, it's the things we cannot change that freak us out and turn us in to obsessed persons. So I am gonna talk to you like a self-help book. My apologies for sounding like a grandma:

 

* you say you didn't sleep and eat well. Change that first. The first step is the hardest, I suffer from the same, but you need to. Not eating and sleeping is only going to make you feel worse. You have no energy, let alone positive energy.

* be the change you want to see in your life.

* you say you are a control freak. Paradoxically, you let HER decide what the relationship is about. She has way too much power over you. If YOU want a fully committed relationship, discuss this with her. No need to linger around having a semi-relationship, if you are not up to that.

 

 

I think the relationship only has a future if you are honest to her. Maybe the feelings from her side just aren't strong enough. Maybe she fears commitment. Maybe both. Don't be scared to talk to her about this. What can be worse than what you are going through right now?

 

Ilse

[Cecelius]

I agree with Isle but I think that you need to calm down some and NOT talk to her about these things too much. A lot of people in the world disect their relationships to such a degree that there isn't much of a relationship left (ie, all you have are the problems and the conversations about problems).

 

I would leave it alone for a while. It's not a tactic and its not bait, but I really think you stand a good chance of driving this into the ground.

 

Back off a little, be funnier, be more mysterious, be fun and begone. If you do your job right, she'll be dying to get back with you. If you keep shoving at her, she'll just get bored and bothered.

[wanger]

Thanks.

 

I'm really starting to see that now. I have already told her she has as much space as she needs, but made it clear that I also need that time to decide for myself. However, at the moment, despite my better judgement, I think my emotions are dictating my actions.

 

When I spoke to her last week, she said how busy she is at the moment, but does really want to date. I simply said, it would be nice but whenever. She is very busy with work, and has had a recent spate of friends birthday, housewarming parties etc. She has sent one one email saying that dating is the only way that we are going to rekindle our passion, and reaffirmed that she does want to date again, but is so busy.

 

I had an email from her on thursday that ended with

 

"I'll try & pen a letter over the weekend. I'll think of a night for our

date. Next week's looking packed already and the housesit starts Thursday.

 

Have a good walking weekend.

Drop me a line tomorrow if you feel like it - I do like getting your

emails."

 

Why do I get the feeling that I am just a security blanket for her, or am I being paranoid and she just needs more space to get back her own life (for the five years that we were together, we were virtualy hermits, with visits from my friends only). Its good that she is busy, because she does tend to get quite introspective when she has nothing to do. She would laugh if I said so, but shes quite like a sheepdog, they always need exercise. Incidentally, I don't intend to respond to this email until I read her letter (well i did respond but send it to myself instead - way too heavy). I guess, its just having that contact, without it being face to face is driving me nuts, neither of us have ever liked the telephone, and I find emails and texts too formal and sterile.

 

It doesn't sound like I am listening to you guys does it. I am , and I will act on your advice. In fact, I am quite looking forward to meeting her for a date away from our house. I need to see if we have anything left to talk about apart from our cats, "the relationship", and the past.

 

My sel-esteem (ego) has had a recent boost, in that one of the admin ladies at work told me that I am considered quite a catch amongst quite a few of the single girls there, now that I am single again. Its anengineering firm so there are not many, but its very flattering. A female friend has told me that I should just get out there and date other women, she said I should be honest with them, so as not to lead them on. I'm not sure if I am ready for that yet, but its certainley a more positive focus than a lot of my current thoughts.

 

Thank you for listening and offering your advice. No doubt I'll be back on here again with further woes.

 

Cheers

[cmacey]

I would suggest you definetly date some girls again, it makes you feel so much better. Even though to you they won't live up to her right away, they help you to forget. Don't look for anything serious though, cause anyone you date right now is just a rebound and you don't want to hurt someone else just to make yourself feel better. But dating would definetly be a good idea, and it may make your ex jealous enough to try to get you back a little harder.