rebounds..sex/dates/distractions from pain. whatever read on

[Brandell]

I dunno guys.

 

I posted a message a while ago about going out with girls and it making me feel worse afterwards etc. as I am still stuck on the ex.

 

BUT...

 

I have met someone else yet again... and I have been putting myself out there like a madman since the split and I KNOW its because its fills a void... and I KNOW its because I don't feel happy with myself so I am just filling a void in my life... and I KNOW I need to learn to love myself first and blah de blah...

 

but you know what?

 

I have not thought of my ex. in days and I spent MONTHS in pain ALONE facing my feelings..

 

so I ask again... is it really so bad what I am doing? I mean, I might actually meet someone I really will connect with for life doing this (this new girl is REALLY pressing my buttons)

 

How much pain, solitude, healing, self improvement, soul searching, feeling facing, self-love pursuit stuff do we have to go through anyway... I have been doing it for months and you know what?

 

I AM LONELY.

 

I know I am not emotionally ready for meeting women and all that and believe me I have turned alot of them off me by being obviously sad and pre-occupied with something.. they eventually found out it was the ex. and left.. but.. I don't know. At least it gets me out of my room and out of my thoughts and feeling alive again...even if it does endlessly fail.

 

Maybe though, maybe I might just meet someone better eventually if I out myself out there enough.

 

And it sure does take the mind off the ex.

 

thoughts?

[RayKay]

Dating is good, and it sounds like you are aware of the possible pitfalls of rushing...but no, it is not so bad at all.

 

I am dating, and having a great time. I still love my ex, and think of him, but I am also knowing that there are some great people out there and am connecting with some of them. I am not looking to rush into any relationship, but if it does happen that way, I am open for it since I AM ready for a relationship - it was my ex who wasn't. I do love myself, and know I am not going to settle for anything less than I am worth so know that if I do enter a relationship - it will be with someone who truly does it for me, and who also meets now the criteria I have learned from the end of the relationship with my ex (ie..more maturity/older is a big one as well as having COMMON SHARED goals/ideas when it comes to a relationship and commitment!).

 

Have fun, it does get better, and actually even gets fun! I like knowing that there are a few men who are very interested in pursuing me and even put in an EFFORT to do so! My confidence is right back up there, I am not being taken for granted - and if the ex does come back, I am in the position of confidence to only make a smart, wise choice. If he came back, I would love to be with him...but he is not the end all to all, and it would only be if he had truly worked things through.

 

Now THAT does feel great.

 

P.S. He does suspect/know I am dating, but that is not why I am doing it, I am doing it for me.

[Scout]

Can I ask both of you how you're meeting people? It would be helpful for the rest of us who are ready to jump back into the land of dating, but not sure where to start.

[RayKay]

Can I ask both of you how you're meeting people? It would be helpful for the rest of us who are ready to jump back into the land of dating, but not sure where to start.

 

I have a two pronged approach actually...one I have a couple family members and friends intent on setting me up everywhere I turn.

 

On the other side, I do the online dating thing. I have done it before and really had some positive experiences from it. It lets me meet some people I would not normally bump into, and allows for some screening as well. Has its flaws as well, but in general I have had only good experiences.

[Brandell]

you can meet new people anywhere... I have met people online, organised dates that way (lots of disasters, people don't tend to be honest, particularly women posting 5 year old fotos etc. even though they have put on 30 pounds since then) haha! but so what? it's a bit of fun.

 

With friends, just get talking to someone. Hell, I went out on a date with a phone customer! so what?

 

It does help though of you feel good about yourself physically. I know many women find me attractive physically and that is probably what alot of them go for initially (believe me I am not bein big headed here.. I may look good but I am dying inside..self esteem wise) BUT ... I have found if you can talk to people, without the usual "do you come here often lines" and have half a brain people will flock to you... because you know what?

 

There are a hell of alot of people out there in the same position.... lost, disillusioned, lonely, confused etc... but alot of them like to talk.. talk like a human being without the defences and usual chat up lines.. at least that has been my experience..

 

Has not met me the love of my life mind you... but hey... I am a tryer

[trishcollins]

I think the hardess thing I find about making the decision to date, is that I somehow feel that I am betraying my "ex". How's that for a screwed up mind

 

Anyway, I have never done casual dating very well, although I have done lots of it. Before I met my "ex" I was online (Lavalife) on and off for five years. I met many weirdos and nice guys, but I never reallly connected with any of them, or the timing was bad. I pretty much know in the first five mins and usually stay a polite period of time before I say "thanks but no thanks". I always meet them in a public place and never for anything but coffee, and I make sure I tell someone where I am going and when I will be back.

 

The reason I actually met my "ex" was I was showing someone else how to use Lavalife and showed her how to find "new" members and then sent him a smile. I was actually giving up on the entire idea and about to end my membership. The next thing I know I am talking marriage with him. It lasted two years (most of you know my story from the "getting back together forum") but it ended because of logistics and circumstances. We still love each other, but I don't see this being resolved any time in the next two years.

 

It's been three months since the breakup and I am starting to feel like I need to get back in the dating game, and after the last five years of hit and miss, I am NOT looking forward to it.

 

My biggest fear is going back on Lavalife and seeing my "ex" looking again (I seriously doubt it, since we split up so he could spend time with and resolve issues with his kids, but if he was, I would be crushed). Anyway, I am holding out until Jan, when I think I will be in a better headspace. I have a friend that wants to set me up with someone, but again, I want to wait until I won't be thinking "I wish I were with my 'ex'" and not this guy. This guy could turn out to be really great, and I would hate to give him the wrong impression.