In two minds after break up. Anyone else feel like this

[Staples 29]

Hi. This is pretty long but please read

 

I posted on here last week about my break up with a guy I was seeing for about 7 months but I didn't have a full picture as my 'ex' didn't give me a clear reason at the time.

 

 

To give a background, we started out casually and then things started to get serious a month and half in (especially for him). At first he said he did not want a relationship which was fine by me but then he started asking me to ignore everything he said at the start and have faith in him. 5 months in he wanted me to meet his friends (I still had my guard up because I didn't want it to get too serious and hurt) and then he offered to give me his house keys after which I told him we were moving too fast. Everyone says if you meet someone you care about you just go with it. I thought I would marry my ex but I didn't so hey, I've learnt to take things slow. He was very hurt and we had a tiff for a week and half (we still communicated). Then after that it was all systems go. Talking everyday from morning till night. Calling me to ask random questions just to hear my voice. And asides from that he was unbelievably emotionally supportive. All he ever did was try to let me know how 'amazing' I was and help me get over my issues and hang ups.

 

He always wanted reassurance that I loved him and felt the same way (He grew up in adoption homes and his first love left him for another guy so he has abandonment issues which I understood). And at some point he admitted that he clearly liked me more than I liked him (which was somewhat true but just because I had my guard up - I've only ever had one relationship for 4.5 years and he is the second person I have been intimate with so I was coming to terms with trusting another person wholeheartedly).

 

 

He ended it last Friday because I was upset about something he did (basically changed plans after we were so excited the night before when he told me he adored me but he didn't know I had planned a special thing for the evening). When I asked why he said it was because everything meant too much and he didn't want to go where we were headed. After I thanked him for this he told me he loved me (for the first time). I kinda knew he did by then tbh which was why it hurt so much when he ended it.

 

I text him the next day in a mature way saying I wanted to fix things (seeing as we both cared about each other) and would give him time and space. No reply. So 2 days later I text again saying I wanted him to talk to me and explain things. Again no reply. My final text was supposed to be fr closure... wishing him well and telling him I had taken his silence as my answer. Then he replied immediately saying he wanted us to sort a time and place to talk things over.

 

Later that night, I missed his call bt woke up to a text saying we'd speak tomorrow then had a friendly exchange. When we finally got to talking on the phone he said he was afraid of getting hurt due to his past experiences and he didn't want a relationship because of that. It was difficult for him to say this to me (and he has never minced words before; a very say it as it is person) I explained calmly to him that he hurt me and he could have dealt with the break up in a better way. He then ended the conversation saying we should give it time to cool down and that he would speak to me soon.

 

After this we exchanged messages where I said I'd respect his choice and give it time like he said and hoped to speak soon. He replied apologising and said he hoped I find someone suited to me my needs signing with an 'x'. I replied saying it was all fine and thanked him for being supportive the past few months and he should feel free to contact me whenever. I am not bitter about it, or angry or anything. I just want to shake his head and tell him to come off his fear. I also have the irrational fear that he would think my seeming indifference is because I'm not scared of losing him which may be what he wants (for reassurance).

 

Now the logical side of me understands that I should move on (and I miss him more than I am hurting - I'm hurting less now maybe because I have an explanation and I know he cares about me). But I was finally ready to be with him.

 

The emotional side of me thinks that we could have something super beautiful and hopes he reaches out. I have also considered that he has done this for reassurance and attention (though probably not). I want him in my life because I like him for who he is - the bad and good. And if I wanted to see someone, it would be him.

 

What does this seem like to you? Anyone have similar experience?

[DN]

I think he has good reason to think you are not really into him and he is taking pre-emptive action to make sure he is not hurt again, or at least to minimise it as much as possible.

[Staples 29]

But I am. When we met I knew he was still hurt by his ex's actions so was holding that against love.

 

From what I have indicated here doyou think I have done enough to let him know I care about him? I just want him to end this knowing that I want to be with him as much as he does. But what do you do when someone says they don't want a relationship (even when you know it is a defence mechanism)

[DN]

(I still had my guard up because I didn't want it to get too serious and hurt) and then he offered to give me his house keys after which I told him we were moving too fast. Everyone says if you meet someone you care about you just go with it. I thought I would marry my ex but I didn't so hey, I've learnt to take things slow. He was very hurt and we had a tiff for a week and half

He always wanted reassurance that I loved him and felt the same way (He grew up in adoption homes and his first love left him for another guy so he has abandonment issues which I understood). And at some point he admitted that he clearly liked me more than I liked him (which was somewhat true but just because I had my guard up - I've only ever had one relationship for 4.5 years and he is the second person I have been intimate with so I was coming to terms with trusting another person wholeheartedly).

When we finally got to talking on the phone he said he was afraid of getting hurt due to his past experiences and he didn't want a relationship because of that. It was difficult for him to say this to me

After this we exchanged messages where I said I'd respect his choice and give it time like he said and hoped to speak soon. He replied apologising and said he hoped I find someone suited to me my needs signing with an 'x'. I replied saying it was all fine

 

I see a lot of hanging back, pushing away and I don't see much encouragement on your part to show that you love and want him. You end by saying "it's all fine" - not the words of someone who wants a relationship with him.

[Staples 29]

Hi DN...

 

You have absolutely NO clue how you just helped me. Immediately I saw what you wrote, I called him (he didn't pick up). He called me back and I mumbled around but finally got to tell him that I know I come accross as indifferent but I care about him and I like him for him. I figured no holds barred and if he didn't want to see at least it wasn't because he didn't know how I felt.

 

It was such a relief to do it. That was the first time I had told him I cared about him. He took it well. We were both laughing because he said I'd never had any trouble talking to him (I'm so blunt and matter-of-fact). He said his whole life was that cliche of 'It's not you It's me' and that he was just scared of feeling the way he did. He said he cared about me and we would definitely try to work things out after everything has cooled down.

 

I'm not really sure where that takes us but I'm just glad we are ok whether as friend or more. I'll update this post if anything happens but I am just going to leave things as they are.