Dealing with news that involves your name ?

[Dinocaz]

Well im getting stronger by the week. Mind is clearering, I sense it and feel it. Strange incident the other night though. It was my daughters birthday, I had bought her a shiney new Samsung s2 contract phone. We met in the city early evening of her birthday , gave her the phone bought her a cola. Almost as soon as she arrived she was getting messages to get back home for her party, her mum sister etc were all there. Told her to enjoy herself and off she went. I felt bad for about 10 minutes , very much on the outside as I knew her bf would be there. The moment passed and I went had fun in town with some of my family (hangovers next day ha)

 

Well the next morning I was up this was yesterday had to work. I was checking my facebook and some stuff from my daughters timeline came through. Apparently everything had ended in disaster at her bd party as her mum and sister and a friend of hers had said I was only "trying to buy" my daughers love with getting her the phone etc. I was like * * * ??? It all went tails up apparently. Now on this one im innocent, 100 percent. But it got to me that they had to drag me in even though I was not their. I called my d that night, played blind to what I had read asked her how her night was, she said it was cr@p and would be coming to stay at mine sunday evening.

 

I just dont get why some people are so vindictive. I have given my ex silence, I never cause any issues. I am simply pushing forward with my life as best I can. Zero contact etc but It feels like my ex wants to destroy me all over again, whenever she gets the chance its like she has to put the knife in. But it just makes me yet more determined to come out on top with this one. Its as if me loosing everything including my self esteem, was not enough for the ex. I never even gave 2 seconds thought about buying the phone, I bought it becuase my D really wanted it. nothing more nothing less and yet it was percived as me playing some kind of mind games. Somtimes I give up even trying to work out why people react the way they do

[lavenderdove]

You have to consider the source... if your ex is angry or bitter, and she is a certain type of person, she will look for every opportunity to get a dig in... you just have to rise above it and ignore her... don't let HER emotions become your emotions, as bitter and angry people can ruin your own emotions if you pay too much attention to them.

 

In other words, who cares what she thinks! You know your own intentions, and you know why you bought your daughter the phone, so just ignore your ex. Try to minimize contact as much as possible. The truth is your happiness and being OK will drive her crazy most likely, if she is determined to be angry and hate you for the sake of her own bitterness.

[EricaNicole]

Unfortunately, there are many people that, no matter what, are unable to forgive and move on. They cling to their anger and resentment, sometimes forever. Your ex probably knows good and well that your intentions for buying your daughter a nice birthday gift were honorable. If she admits that, even to just herself, however, then she also has to admit that you have a positive quality. She can't bring herself to do that because she's so stuck on the idea of you being whatever terrible things she's accused you of being since you broke up.

 

To cover that up she probably feels the need to voice her opinion to your daughter and probably other people as well. It helps her maintain the victim persona.

 

Lavenderdove is right. It doesn't matter what she thinks, especially since there's most likely zero chance of anything you say or do to try to improve your relationship with her having any sort of positive effect.

 

The only thing that matters is your daughters opinion, and from the sound of it she's aware that her mother's opinions are out of line. The fact that your daughter wants to stay with you, even for a short period of time, most likely drive your ex crazy. It means that she doesn't get to be "the good parent" and you be "the bad parent" in your daughter's eyes. She's likely to take that anger out on you and may even accuse you of turning your daughter against her. It's not fair, but it's what people like that do sometimes.

 

You can do things to attempt to be more at peace in your relationship with your ex, but if she doesn't respond to them, then at least you tried. Like I said your daughter's well-being is what really matters, and I'm sure she loves you and knows you love her without you needing to buy her expensive gifts.

[Dinocaz]

Hi Lavender, thats certainly what it feels like and in the past yes I would rise to the baiting continually and let it drown me. These days I have learned to give zero response. I dont have contact. Last contact was when i asked for marrige cert to start divorce proceedings I was told to efff off (via txt) stupid of me of to do that. But didnt reply further. For me the only way is continued no contact on any level.

 

People around me, family ect know not to tell me anything that might have heard through the grapevine on her situation but a few things somtimes slip through. Its as if their is nothing further she can do to hurt me. The situation could not have been anyworse in the start with her meeting somone new and cutting me dead as if I never exsisted. I dont want to ride off any bittereness or upheaval she may be facing - I just wanna get on with my life. Shows me again how important having as little to do with the past is.

 

You have to consider the source... if your ex is angry or bitter, and she is a certain type of person, she will look for every opportunity to get a dig in... you just have to rise above it and ignore her... don't let HER emotions become your emotions, as bitter and angry people can ruin your own emotions if you pay too much attention to them.

 

In other words, who cares what she thinks! You know your own intentions, and you know why you bought your daughter the phone, so just ignore your ex. Try to minimize contact as much as possible. The truth is your happiness and being OK will drive her crazy most likely, if she is determined to be angry and hate you for the sake of her own bitterness.

[lavenderdove]

You need to not let her impact your relationship with your daughter... just do as you please with your daughter... fortunately your daughter is old enough that your ex can only have so much influence on her at this point.

[Dinocaz]

Hi Erica I did try in the start to at least try have a peaceable situation when it came to my daughter but that was like talking to a wall. Basicially told over and over again to leave "us" alone and my D hates me. That was a few months back.God how I rose to the fight then. Doing it all wrong, playing directly into my exes hands and mindgames. My daughter who is not my bio daughter never really broke contact. And we have kept our relationship going through it all.

 

I know my D feels challenged at times by the situation but thankfully has adjusted. I know she gets pressure on the home front not to have any contact with me but at 16 now she can make up her own mind and does as she pleases. One thing i did do which I know for certain infuriatated my ex was say to my daughter she can come anytime, and no matter what I will always be around for her. I told her she does not need to feel any pressure at all to spend time with me, and if its hard somtimes then she has to do what she wants not what I or her mother want. In taking that approach she had true free will to make her choices.

 

I know me and the ex will never have peace or not at least for many years by which time it wont matter. I also know that she gets info on how im doing through my D and my sister in law who for some reason keeps up contact. That in itself used to really get to me. It does not these days. And these past 2 months I have fought a battle inside my own head and heart to get the right mindset. Even when I have been feeling cr@P I have put on a brave face to world, giving out nothing but positive information and news. This I know gets back to the ex and it enrages her. I should be on the floor, wallowing in defeat self pity partys and alchopops. I do none of the sort these days. From nothing I have managed to get a pretty decent house, am earning ok money again, and even though i look like a bag of spanners in the way I dress (need to sort that one soon) im overall trying to keep a positive outlook. Some people really do want to see you on the floor.

 

She smashed me emotionally at the start of this year and I know she took delight in that. Now bit by bit the tables are turning. This may sound big headed, and even arrogant but somthing inside me tells me that no matter what i am going to come out on top of this. Healing true healing and acceptance is in full gear now. My aim is by the end of this year to be in a totally different place both emotionally and with my own life, money, work and such like.

 

Then maybe just maybe i might meet somone new but Im in no rush for that and we do actually adjut and get used to living a single persons life. Its not easy but if we manage to come to terms with that how stronger that makes us a person in the long term knowing that we can go through all this bull on our own. Somthing my ex never had to face as she simply replaced me with somone else so she never had to anylise the deeper issues and i doubt she ever will. if she broke up today she would simply replace that person with yet somone else.

[Dinocaz]

Very very true and no way will I ever allow my ex to impact on my relationship with my daugher, she tried that and failed miserably. She has in effect lost all power she at one time held over me. Her last card was using the children. It ended in total failure. My daughter arrives tomorrow for a few days

 

 

You need to not let her impact your relationship with your daughter... just do as you please with your daughter... fortunately your daughter is old enough that your ex can only have so much influence on her at this point.

[OneSadPuppy]

Dinocaz,

 

You're daughter and you are certainly dealing with some bad behavior. You seem to be dealing with it well.

 

My ex-wife (from 2009), still takes every opportunity to take jabs at me through our son (who lives with me full time now).

The venom that comes out of her mouth is shocking, but then again, she's Histrionic.

The bigger concern here is the effect this type of crap has on the child.

She gets her pokes in, but also I'll bet there are/have been some ugly Parentification dynamics.

 

My son had to deal with this constantly while he stayed for her the first year after divorce (long story why that happened at all).

Point is, it sure did a number on him in the long run.

The child is reluctant to use that parent as a resource when the child needs help as she's been elevated to parent adviser.

 

It's hard to know how to react to those things.

I had to de-screw the boy, but sounds like you will only need to be an ideal parent unless your daughter asks your opinions.

I had to answer "your mother is just going through a rough time, try to be patient with her" until I wanted to phone and blast her (but that would make matters worse).

 

I'm sorry Dino, your ex sure sounds like a piece of work. I do get what you're going through more than you can imagine.

 

You're doing great though!

 

OSP

[Dinocaz]

Yeah I know my D has had some touch stuff to put up with, some of it certainly from me in the first month directly following the breakup. But I knew I had to get my act together on that issue quickly or I would have run the risk of isolating her. Its been hard to keep up a strong face when somtimes i felt like ripping into her mum. Reality check its still her mum no matter what garbage she has thrown my way. This may sound like a bitter ex but she has not been a great mum these past 4 months. My d has drifted, been on her own too many times, got involved with other boys drinking and stuff. i know alot of this is normal teenage stuff but still it all seemed to quick.

 

Im much calmer in my approach these days, dont have to try so hard to have a care free attitude. And I enjoy having her around, gives me a sense of still being a parent. Soon im off abroad to see my Son. can not wait for that and am buildind bridges on that score. I am not the perfect human being, I made many a mistake, but am and have been these past 2 months trying on many levels to be a better person for me and not dragged down back into the mud where my ex sits.

 

She is indeed a piece of work, unreal on many levels. i should have seen it coming 2 years ago, but wanted so badly to hold it together ... overly dependant on another person for you own happiness is never a wise thing. I had a clear opportunity back then to exit, and exit when I was much stronger financially and work wise. But I didnt take it. Like I have had to and am still doing the rebuild the long way around. Being on here and sites like this, reading up on what others have and are going through helps so much. Its good to type

 

Will I collapse again into a pile of junk ? NEVER!

Onwards and effin upwards

[Taven]

Hey Dino, I agree with what the others are saying, try and turn a blind eye (and avoid facebook profiles that might upset you!)

 

I don't think a phone is an extravagant present, so she totally blew it out of proportion.

[journeynow]

I was checking my facebook and some stuff from my daughters timeline came through.

 

That's "gossip" (people's opinions on another's motivations), not "news." Pay no attention, and don't even listen or read those things.

 

I know it was a birthday gift, and something she wanted, but if it was a more elaborate gift than the two of you would have bought when you were together, I can see how your ex might have a knee jerk reaction. It may not be valid, but I've heard it often enough, and might chalk it up to human nature.