Feeling down today

[elephants]

It's 2 months post-BU today. Also my ex's birthday. I had been NC for 6 weeks when I broke it last week, gave him a call, and found out that he's in the hospital receiving treatment for bipolar disorder.

 

I re-activated my Facebook today to send him a message. I had deleted him from my friends list a few weeks back, but I didn't block him. I wrote, "Hi, A, it's your birthday!! Here's your gift: [link to Escape Earth 2012]"

 

If you're wondering, that website is a scam selling seats on a spaceship that will go to a supposed "new planet" when the world ends in December of this year. I accidentally came accross it yesterday when I Googled "how to escape the world". I shared it to my ex because he might find it funny, as I had.

 

I told myself before I sent the message that this will be the absolute last initiated contact from me. Frankly, I no longer have the energy, the means, or even the desire to do anything about my situation anymore. Well, the desire to reconcile is still very much there, of course, but no longer the desire to actively do something about it. In any case, I have no idea what more to do.

 

With how I begged and cried on the day we broke up, I had made it clear to him that I love him and I want to get back together. With how that phone call last week went, he should already know that I still think about him and I'm concerned about his condition. And with my friendly birthday greeting today, he should already know that I hold no hostility against him. I think it will be best to leave it at that.

 

Nothing more I can do now, except heal. I'm better now than I had been the first few weeks post-BU, but no way near healed. I still cry a lot, and miss him a lot, and I still can't touch that PS3 because it reminds me so much of happy times. I think the clearest indication for me that I'm over him would be when I can imagine myself playing Skyrim again without getting a sick feeling in my stomach.

 

I miss him badly, and I wish I didn't think of him half as much, and I wish there were things I could do that wouldn't remind me of him. I wish I didn't get so anxious that he may be falling in love with another girl while I am here with no idea what's going on in his life anymore.

 

Sometimes I wish I just didn't exist. And I get fantasies of abandoning my life right now. It must be so liberating to escape-- to buy a one-way plane ticket to somewhere far, and leave without telling anyone. And then I can start a new life there, and I'll keep my phone, e-mail, and Facebook unopened, so I won't have to deal with my past anymore.

[mg22]

Who dumped who here?? was it a mutual breakup??

[elephants]

Who dumped who here?? was it a mutual breakup??

 

He broke up with me. He told me he fell out of love. But it was so sudden, and also coincided with his depressive episode, that up to now, I'm not sure what to think.

[OneSadPuppy]

My ex broke up with me twice. Both times in anger with the same words, no future or not in love.

I know it was anger though.

The second time, I made my decision there that I would never contact her again.

 

Now she's POFing and I no longer need to wonder.

It's toast.

 

Get on with your own life elephants, don't spend too much time analyzing a future you cannot control.

 

OSP

[Taven]

Sorry you're feeling this way, it does indeed suck and I share you mentality when it comes to wantign a one way plane ticket!

 

I was looking into humanitarian volunteering abroad but I sart college in September.

 

Anyway, I suggest you try and aim for something in the future, give you something to live for right now. It's so hard getting up, feeling aimless on top of all the crap a break up brings.

 

Stay storng!

[elephants]

Get on with your own life elephants, don't spend too much time analyzing a future you cannot control.

 

OSP

 

Yeah, I try, but I'm not very interested with life, that's why I'm having these fantasies about going away and starting over-- like having a completely new identity. I don't care if people say I'm delusional, but the life I had while my ex and I were together-- the lifestyle, the relationship, the man himself-- it was my dream life. And now my life has changed back to the crap it was before I met him, even worse cos I'm not in school anymore and am committed to finish out a project at a job I don't like for the rest of the year. My friends are 99.5% mutual friends of me and ex, and I don't ever ever ever ever ever want to talk to them again because it just hurts like f*ck. The remaining 0.5% of my friends are nice, but don't have much in common with me, and they also know about my ex, so that sucks. Right now, it's like I want to completely remove the existence of my ex. Like I want to pretend he never happened. I want to escape my life so badly. It's making me so full of anger and resentment and sadness that I had my dream life and in the blink of an eye all of it disappeared and I'm now back here with my family whose company I don't enjoy, I have a job I don't like in an office where I only like 2 people and the rest I couldn't give a single f*ck about, and no friends and no desire or idea how to make any. I have plans to quit my job when the project ends this November, but I have no idea where to go next. Basically, I feel so lost and so uninterested with anything. I just want to spend all day in bed and sleep and pretend I don't exist.

[Tom1990]

I know what you mean. My fantasy is I get hit by a car and wake up with amnesia, and have to completely start over. Ach! If only we could just lose ourselves in one fell swoop, life would be so much easier!

[tryharder83]

sorry to hear bout your situation elephants, im in the same boat as you are now. nothing interests me anymore. i dont find happiness in anything i do. im about to 2weeks to my resignation to my job where i met the ex. no fall back job. as what i want for now is to get away from it all. and see where i'll go next. im 3mos out of the RS and still feels like its just yesterday. i fear that after this nothing will ever get better. and ill be stuck as im really hoping that after resigning from

my job it'll be better.. but that i dont know

 

 

.. this is the first time i felt this lost about a breakup. i hope to get to a better place.. soon.

[elephants]

Sorry you're feeling this way, it does indeed suck and I share you mentality when it comes to wantign a one way plane ticket!

 

I was looking into humanitarian volunteering abroad but I sart college in September.

 

 

Thanks. I actually have plans to go to Thailand soon to volunteer with the elephants for a week. As obvious with my username, I love elephants, but I haven't had the chance to interact with a real one yet, so that I'm kind of excited about. I wish I could stay forever, but I can only take lmited days off work and volunteering costs money which I don't have much of, so yeah, I guess I'll have to settle with a week for now.

[elephants]

I know what you mean. My fantasy is I get hit by a car and wake up with amnesia, and have to completely start over. Ach! If only we could just lose ourselves in one fell swoop, life would be so much easier!

 

Yeah, this too. I'm not sure if I want the memories to go away because when I look back, all my happy memories are with my ex, so if I erase that I'll have no idea what happy feels like, but on the other hand, it's precisely because of that that I can't move on. I want my happy life back.

[elephants]

sorry to hear bout your situation elephants, im in the same boat as you are now. nothing interests me anymore. i dont find happiness in anything i do. im about to 2weeks to my resignation to my job where i met the ex. no fall back job. as what i want for now is to get away from it all. and see where i'll go next. im 3mos out of the RS and still feels like its just yesterday. i fear that after this nothing will ever get better. and ill be stuck as im really hoping that after resigning from

my job it'll be better.. but that i dont know

 

 

.. this is the first time i felt this lost about a breakup. i hope to get to a better place.. soon.

 

I want to give up on my life already.

[OneSadPuppy]

Yeah, this too. I'm not sure if I want the memories to go away because when I look back, all my happy memories are with my ex, so if I erase that I'll have no idea what happy feels like, but on the other hand, it's precisely because of that that I can't move on. I want my happy life back.

 

You don't erase it. You learn from each experience you have in life.

Regardless if you learned love or pain or both, you're smarter and it will shape you as a person.

Eventually, you tend to only pay attention to the sweet parts of a past relationship, or at least that should be your goal.

So this pain does not last forever.

 

I'm here because I was dumped. But you know what, I learned that I was capable of a love much deeper than I ever knew.

Does it hurt now, yep, totally. Am I a better person for it. Yep, totally.

 

This pain will pass, the lessons learned and depth of character will never be lost.

It's all part of life's process.

 

You are young elephants. A world of opportunity.

 

OSP

[elephants]

You don't erase it. You learn from each experience you have in life.

Regardless if you learned love or pain or both, you're smarter and it will shape you as a person.

Eventually, you tend to only pay attention to the sweet parts of a past relationship, or at least that should be your goal.

So this pain does not last forever.

 

I'm here because I was dumped. But you know what, I learned that I was capable of a love much deeper than I ever knew.

Does it hurt now, yep, totally. Am I a better person for it. Yep, totally.

 

This pain will pass, the lessons learned and depth of character will never be lost.

It's all part of life's process.

 

You are young elephants. A world of opportunity.

 

OSP

 

This break up has shaped me to never to trust myself to love ever again. It has shaped me to think that in my next relationship, I should try not to make as much happy memories, not to get as attached, not to love as much, not to be as attracted, because when it ends, and it's sure to end, I will hurt like crap again. It has shaped me to be cynical and bitter.

 

Why am I feeling this way? I thought it gets better with time? Why is it that I feel like it gets worse instead? I have said this while were together, and my mind has not changed-- I don't want a world of opportunities. I want the life I had and the future we thought we were going to have together. When will my mind change? It was 2 months yesterday. Will my mind change when it's 3 months post-BU, 4 months, 5 months, 6 months, a year? It scares me when I see people on here a long time post-BU and still devastated. I don't want to be like that but every day I go out and face the world, I realize more and more that life is just meaningless. It feels like no matter what successes I manage to accomplish, nothing will ever mean anything to me anymore because he is not here to share the happiness with me.

 

I used to be a strong person, but ironically, all the painful things that I have gone through in my young life has made me weak. Instead of helping me become a better person, they have made me scared of change, scared of pain-- weak. When will it stop hurting? I don't want to hurt anymore. I'm tired of waking up wishing I had died in my sleep instead.

[tryharder83]

I want to give up on my life already.

 

i beg you not to.

 

like what OSP said you are still young. i know its especially hard when you feel like you're not in control of your own life. with me, i just hold onto the hopes that somehow we'll get past all this hurting and pain.

 

its also good that you are somehow doing something with your time like your passion with elephants.

 

take it day by day.. as i have, cause at the end of the day life is still happening.

[tothecoast]

Oh, elephants...you are definitely my BU buddy on ENA! I feel like our situations have been crazy parallel. I could have written all of this...my ex and I have ALL the same friends (her sister has been my best friend for 10 years - that's how we met!). We're all really close, to the point that we used to go on vacation together as a group. When we broke up, my friends were all really committed to staying in touch and maintaining their relationships with me, even if I couldn't share space with my ex...but then I realized I didn't even want to, because exactly like you said...it hurts like f*** to hang out with them, knowing that, inevitably, they just hung out with my ex or they will hang out with her soon. Just texting with them sometimes sends me into a deep bout of sadness...because everything from my life with her reminds me of her. I try to hang out with other friends, but often all I can think about is how I like my mutual friends with my ex better. It's hard to leave that group behind. And it makes me feel weak - like, why CAN'T I handle hanging out with them? I start to think that maybe it's my own fault for losing my friends anyway, and maybe if I were just a little tougher, etc, and...well, you know where that goes. Self-deprecating thought processes are not helpful for any of us.

 

AND you and I also have the mental health thing in common, which is so tricky. Directly after the breakup, I felt really calm and rational about everything. We just had such loving, honest conversations about why we had to break up, and the heartbreak in that moment felt so mutual. I remember telling my friends that even though I was devastated, I didn't feel rejected or hurt - I truly understood that it wasn't about me - that she wasn't well, and she had convinced herself that she needed to be alone, and that she had issues that had nothing to do with me. But as the weeks of NC have gone on, I think it has gotten more painful. The memory of that conversation, which was so reassuring and honest, has faded, and in its place, sometimes all I can think is, "Who cares why we broke up? The point is, she's gone." (And a whole lot of other sad thoughts that I won't repeat right now.)

 

The point is, I can so, so, so relate to what you've written here. I feel so trapped/freaked out/triggered by how entangled my ex is in my life. We have all the same friends, the same taste in music, go to the same events and parties. Everyone keeps saying how awesome it is that it's summer, and there are so many free concerts, and things to do, etc etc...but every time I see a party/show/etc that I want to go to, all I can think about is how she'll probably be there - and even if she's not there, I'll spend the whole time being afraid she's gonna walk in the door, so what's the point? My best friend told me that my ex was freaking out about my strict NC, and apparently she told her, "Don't worry, this whole thing is just fresh...it won't be like this forever." I got really upset when I heard that she'd said this, though, because I can't ever imagine a time when it WON'T be like this - I can't see myself being at a party with my ex and all of our mutual friends and feeling okay. And like everyone is just expecting me to get over this and be able to hang out again soon like normal...and that thought makes me panic.

 

Just like you said...all I want is a one-way plane ticket somewhere. To start over, to leave everything that reminds me of my ex behind, to go somewhere where no one knows me and no one knows my ex. But that's unfortunately not possible, at least not for me.

 

The one thing I have going for me right now is that I really love my job. When I'm working is the only time that I'm really not thinking about my ex. And I work in a field where I help people, so the affirmation I get when I'm making a difference in someone's life is really, really helpful. I wrote in my journal one day, "I may not be able to feel valuable as a partner or lover right now, but at least I can feel valuable at work." So elephants - sounds like your job really sucks right now...but even if it's really hard (and I totally understand that), try to force yourself to think about what will come next! Plan an adventure! Quitting a job is awesome because you can do ANYTHING you want - my advice is just to plan for it. Take a really long trip, or go volunteer somewhere. You have a lot of time between now and November...try to allow yourself to imagine something that might be really fulfilling for you (even if nothing sounds fulfilling right now).

 

Feel free to PM me anytime, too. We're all in this together! I'm so sorry you're feeling it so much...just remember that, no matter what happens, you WILL feel better, and this pain is temporary!

[tothecoast]

One other thing - I was going to post this as another thread but I think I'll post it here. The one thing that really keeps me going is remembering my first big breakup. I'd been with my GF for 3 years and she busted up my heart like no other. It was the worst pain I'd ever felt in my life, and I truly believed I would never get over it. When everyone said it would heal with time, I nodded, but secretly thought that I would never be okay. I was truly, truly convinced that I was different from every other person who'd ever been heartbroken...I thought to myself, "Yeah, I know everyone gets over it...but THIS is different. I will never stop regretting, never stop missing her, never stop wishing I were with her..."

 

And it's true - it did take a long time. I'll give you some milestones. I think it was about 5 months later that I began to enjoy life again, even though I was still in a huge amount of pain. 8 months after the BU, I dated someone new. I still missed my ex, still felt heartbroken, but was able to have fun with the new girl, and we had a great, very casual, very un-serious relationship for a few months. 11 months after the BU, I went on a huge 2-month trip. I still felt pangs, thought about the ex often, but had the time of my life. Almost 2 years after the BU, I saw her for the first time, and we slept together. It was fun, and kind of weird, but no big deal (and, even though she'd been the dumper, she was the one who initiated the sex - and who cried when I left).

 

Here's the kicker, though - this woman who I dated for 3 years, who I swore I'd never get over, who I swore I'd never meet anyone like, who I was convinced represented the end of my ability to fall in love? These days, we're good friends. I have ZERO desire to be with her anymore (I mean it). She's engaged to another guy, and I think that's GREAT, and there's not a single part of me that feels bitter. I'm glad it's not me, as I wouldn't want to be with her...and mostly, I'm happy for her, as she has truly found someone who's a good fit for her. (She didn't start dating him until almost 2 years after we broke up - I think that helped me feel zero bitterness towards him.)

 

So, whenever I'm feeling really devastated and doubting that I will ever get over this BU, I remember that there was a time that I thought I would never get over a BU...and then I did. It's kind of a funny cycle, because it was that BU that allowed me to start dating my current ex...who I am now heartbroken over. But I try to remind myself that, just like my first BU cleared the way for something better (my current ex was a MUCH better fit for me than the first one, even though at the time, I would have sworn up and down that that was impossible)...this one will hopefully do the same.

 

I also remind myself that my first ex, who was totally done with me when we broke up, eventually came back, as I mentioned. (And with her, I did the whole begging, drunk-calling-at-3-am, etc etc etc thing.) I sort of have a theory that this almost always happens...unfortunately, it only seems to happen once we are over them. (Sigh.) But I try to remind myself that I'm pretty sure I'll have another shot someday...even if, by then, I don't want it anymore.

[elephants]

I'm getting impatient with myself. I want to stop loving him. I want to stop looking back and regretting stuff. I want to stop hoping he'll ever come around. I want to stop having these stupid bad days when I feel like I'm not getting any better. I just want to be okay already!!

 

This is so annoying. I never ever ever ever did anything to deserve a heartbreak! In all the relationships I've been in, I wasn't perfect but I treated the other person well. I was never abusive or anything. Why do I have to go through this? I see a lot of people with toxic relationships with their * * * * * girlfriends or * * * * * * * boyfriends, but those relationships endure! Why did ours not?

 

Before this recent ex, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with an * * * * * * * . And I thought, "Wow, what a relief to be out of that broken relationship and in a really good one with a really good guy who's more than everything I ever wanted!" Even months into the relationship I couldn't believe my luck that such an amazing person fell in love with me. I thought I finally got my good karma for having been a good girlfriend for 2 years to my * * * * * * * ex ex despite the fact that he was an * * * * * * * . "Finally," I said to myself, "I'm with someone who deserves me and who I deserve!" What a couple we made-- compatible in so many ways. I was so happy. We were both so happy.

 

And then what the * * * * ing * * * * !! I can't believe it. I hate this. I hate this. I don't want to suffer anymore. * * * * love. * * * * dating. * * * * all of that. I hate all of this.

 

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH