My fiancé thinks he has more good qualities than me. He's also the best.

[Popsicle5]

So, we got engaged in March, our relationship has been somewhat difficult since then because he was sent abroad for work. He's been gone for three months. Not only that, but he's French and I'm American and I moved to Paris in February to be with him... two weeks later he was gone... for three months.

 

Anyway, just a little back story. The point is, I love him so much. He's so attentive and so considerate and sensitive. I love talking to him, and he would LITERALLY do ANYTHING for me and has proved that time and time again. He is my family and I wouldn't have moved here unless I felt that way.

 

BUT, he thinks he's better than me! I don't get it. I don't get why he loves me so much if he thinks he's better. Yesterday I was saying nice things to him and telling him he was being very kind and generous and I told him, mockingly, "you're perfect". He answered mockingly, "I know." Then I laughed and said, you know I tell you you're perfect so often, I hope you don't get a big head and actually think it... and I said, "now that of it, you never really complement me on my good qualities. I would really appreciate it if you did... so I feel like you really see me." Then the conversation got to him saying, "I'm perfect because I have all your qualities, plus I have mine." I thought he was kidding... but after asking him several times if he was, it became very clear that he was being dead serious and had no idea how this comment was incredibly hurtful and makes me feel like he doesn't see me or appreciate me for the qualities that I have.

 

I tried talking to him about it and he got defensive saying that all he ever does is think of me, and love isn't just about loving someone for their strengths but their weaknesses too, and I'm just think... "so you love me because I'm weaker than you". If he saw me for ME than he wouldn't say something like that. He would know that we're EQUAL... What do I do?

 

He's not a jerk. He's just stubborn. In general I feel like the luckiest person ever to be with him because he's so attentive and so stable and so thoughtful... but this is not ok for me and I want to find a positive and productive way to approach this subject and behavior so that he will address it.

 

Advice? Any similar situations? Please help.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

One of the problems is that you seem to have put him up on a pedestal..you seem to worship the ground he walks on...a person should feel happy to be with someone but not feel like "the luckiest person in the world" to have that person in their life. It is this hero worship kind of attitude that gives the receiver a big head. Have you ever called him out on bad behaviour...have you ever told him he was wrong about anything...have you ever followed your own feelings about something and taken care of your interests rather than just succumbing to his? People with big heads often gravitate to those who will idolize them. If you want to work on shrinking his big head you are going to have to start treating him like a normal human being with faults. Don't try to argue with him about the way he sees you, that won't do any good. You have to show your independent spirit and be less humble around him and more of his equal.

[Popsicle5]

No I definitely don't worship the ground he walks on. I call him out all the time. He's receptive a lot of the time... and sometimes it's like I'm talking to a brick wall. I know that a part of the problem is that I forgive more easily so when we get into a fight I'm always the one to come back to him just because after a while I think it's stupid to fight at all.

[superfox]

Ok, firstly, and i really DON'T mean to sound patronising here! But could you be pre-menstrual? Only saying as these kind of conversations get blown up at certain times of the month where we (well, i do anyway) analyse every-little-word.

 

Next, he's french! They're well known for arrogance, and he's a man

 

Finally, my OH does this all the time, tells me how lucky i am to have him. Although he does this in a joking way. After a while of me agreeing that 'yep, i sure am the lucky one around here' i normally tell him to 'get over yourself!'. I'd go for that with your bf, tell him to get over himself (but laugh when you say it!) or whether we could widen the door frames so he can get his head through them.

 

You know he loves you, don't worry

[Popsicle5]

Thanks... this is exactly what I needed to hear. I'm not pmsing... BUT I do tend to overreact and I know this about myself. I think it's because this is the first relationship I've ever had where I can actual see myself happily being with this person for the rest of my life... but I don't really know how to do it you know? So I'm constantly worrying that the line has been crossed or I should be firmer or less firm or blah blah blah. I've learned to take things less seriously, focusing on the important, which is that we love each other to death and even if my fiancé can be totally arrogant and RIDICULOUS sometimes he's only human... and yes... French.

 

I feel like most of the time when I have a problem with our relationship, all I really want is for someone else who's in a healthy and durable relationship to tell me not to worry, and that whatever problem we're having is normal.

 

Thanks And yeah, I know he loves me.