love turns into game or indifference...?

[princesa]

Hi there everybody.

 

5 months ago this forum saved me from grieving to death over a break-up, then I found another love...(yes, there IS life and new relationships after a break up - and it can be even better!!)...and now I'm back here. I'd better tell you why - and I'd truly appreciate a piece of advice.

 

So I found this guy and from the beginning it seemed to go quite serious, also given the fact that both of us have been in rather many relationships and most of the people around us are already married and we wann have families too etc. Basically we thought this might be it, and we uttered mutual interest in really making this one work.

On our second date we went on holiday and directly after that lived together for 5 weeks due to the fact that we live in different countries and in summer it was possible to get to know each other "better" that way. Kind of fast, but then again, is THAT the problem, really?

We surely got to know each other better during that time - both in good and bad! He's no easy character (we're talking about a mental disorder here, nothing more than a strong personality really, but still)... getting used to him being so different from all the other guys I've been with was really tough. On holiday, between beautiful days there were many, many fights - and I surely didn't show him my best features all the time either. Everything seemed to bother me or become an issue between us, fights started so easily. Mind you that I'm not a person who likes arguing. Every second day at least we had a heated discussion and one of us was packing bags - but always we made it up. And in between, we gained closeness and our love grew.

 

All in all...it was very tough time in deed...but the best thing for me personally is the fact that we made it and I can at least say on my behalf that I learned A LOT about respect and adjustment, I literally learned to love him despite all those things I didn't like when we started seeing each other 24h/day.

 

If you're asking by now, what on earth I'm doing in here then...well, everything changed. Maybe the nearness became too much, maybe the distance after that, maybe the continuous fights had to end some day. Now we're basically breaking up, the last argument doesn't seem to clear up and there have been serious signs now that this is it. He's got rather cold and unapproachable for me. He has said some not so nice things to me (he does that when argueing usually too, so I can't tell if this is how he now really feels - all of the sudden).

 

And I'm sad. I took me time and the pumpy ride to start loving him as he is and I had to make concessions. But he doesn't seem to be able to make any concessions himself and as much as I can see that he's disappointed and sad about our relationship fading away, he can't give in and he blames me for ruining everything. I have to ad that we're both at the moment in a very difficult professional situation and also somehow quite susceptible. Basically the relationship's all tangled up now and we're supposed to meet up only to say goodbye when I'm next time around, he texted a couple of days ago = last contact.

 

Sorry for the longuish intro, but now I need your advice on this:

 

1) Do you think a love can turn around like this? Or is this some game here again...? If so, why now that we've gone through so much already and NOW that I'm really in love (=too available?).

2) I think I've explained everything I could to clear the situation which is NOT my fault, I've said I loved him - should I still try and make an effort or just no contact until I can see him in 2 weeks?

3) Do you think, if somebody "really" wanted to break up/stopped caring he'd say in an indifferent way "if you wanna be with me go ahead, I don't care anymore"...and next day texted you that he doesn't want to say goodbye in a sms so let's do that face-to-face next time I'm around?

4) What the %**£ am I supposed to do? Forget about him 'cos it would be "easier"?

 

Like I said, he is a difficult but probably the most lovable person I've ever met. And I just feel it's unfair to really "work" so much on the relationship and then just throw it away. More indifferent and trivial relationships last...

 

Really sorry for this long article, but I'd appreciate if somebody gave me a hint about what's going on...anybody? (Lisaria's still around?)

Thanks.

 

Princesa

[Smusher]

its all about control. FROM THE START!. Once you have mastered your machine, or you dont get to run it hardly at all. you get bored, or for the latter, you feel out of control. relationships are a power struggle. keep it balanced, let someone else run the machine a bit, i.e. your partner. Or else give up your mastered machine to someone who wants to learn and wants to share in its operation. Love is our product in this factory methinks. The machine is "the power" .

[mazurka]

Hi

 

I have also just come out of a long serious relationship and have the following advice.

 

After we have broken up we tend to need affection and love more becuase we miss our lost partners. It stands to reason that under these circumstances our minds play tricks on us when it comes to suitability and compatibility.

 

I am a guy and I can say one thing that when you get involved in a relationship soon after a breakup(My present situation), your feelings are usually very numb and it is difficult to be sincere about the affections you are showing as your heart is for all intents and purposes, still elsewhere. Its all looks good but deepdown you are not emotionally "all there"

 

Based on what you have said you and your new partner have gone into this relationship with your cards on the table and with intent to make this work, however if you are fighting after 5 months and having serious issues it couls be one of two things;

 

a) Either you / your partner / both are not over your exes and this is subconsciously affecting your realtionship.

b) You guys have compatibility issues that you are avoiding owing to recent traumatic emotional expereiences.

 

Remember that attaining emotional clarity after a long relationship is a very long process and you may find in your heart of hearts you realise that although comfortable, this is not going to work and that you will wake up one monring and think "What the h5ll am I doing"

 

Try to look at at this way, you need to heal and not get involved in an emotionally traumatic relationship right now. If you need company and comapnionship, try to get involved in something less serious and traumatic , for your own emotional good.

 

Another very iomportant thing, dont let your want of a family drive you to try and love someone who is not suitable for you. Take your time and find someone who you will FEEL form the start is right for you. I am roughly your age (31) so I can appreciate the broodiness (men get it too ;-)).

 

I would call it off and take some time to reflect on the new relationship. You are devloping new issues and you may still have old ones that are unresolved in your head. This will inhibit your emotional judgement to no end. It sounds like you need time to think about how you REALLY feel about this person.

 

I am starting to thing that taking an emotional decision works in the following way. We know what we need to do, the answer is there, the time it takes to act on our feelings is the time from when we make the decision to the time that we finally accept it.

 

Good luck

[princesa]

Thank you so much for your replies.

 

Smusher, I do know these control games...but I h-a-t-e them, and I play them very badly when reeeeeally in love. Deep in my heart I believe someone who'll love me for what I am worth won't needany games.

 

Mazurka, thanks for your nice comments. I admit I've thought too, that maybe it's just the lack of reltionship that makes me want to be with this person. But to be honest, I don't think it is, at least not only that. It's more like that now that we've had such a rough start and I've learned so many things, I'd rather not give up now. I want to pick up the fruits as well.

 

About whether we're over our ex's, I'm not so sure about him. I guess he's over, but he's very much emotionally traumatized and maybe for that reason not capable of a steady relationship now. For myself I can say that I was very much in love in the relationship just before this, it wasn't a long one either, and I have to say in retrospective that the other guy was a load of superficial sh%t compared to this (I just didn't see that while in love, did I?)...so, it's also difficult to say in the passion or the beginning of the relationship if this is the one for you. Just because eeeeverything is so great. I think grown-up people work their way into a steady relationship.

 

But I do appreciate what you're saying - another break-up so little time after the other break-up just isn't really fun, better slow down a bit and avoid getting too involved.

Actually, we have casual contact again...I think there may be a possibility to slow down without completely calling it off.

 

Good luck for you guys too.