Stories of turnaround success

[anon_a_mouse]

Hi, I'm 29, never really had a girlfriend or a proper relationship and a beginner* in terms of sex.

I'm just wondering if anyone has experience (their partner, themselves or a friend) of roughly the same scenario and seen the situation turned around (to have a successful relationship etc), and can share some of their story? - maybe what kind of things the person did to change their situation around.

I'm just looking for some inspiration!

Thanks

 

(*A few times)

[RedDress]

Umm... can you define success? Is it marriage? Or just a more active dating life?

 

I have one girlfriend who really started dating around 25. She was a virgin (for the most part - there was 1 guy but... I don't know if I believe that story...) up until then. Her "problem" was that she was painfully shy. She finally met a guy who she really liked and got married and she is now happily married with 4 kids.

 

I have one girlfriend who was like the above. Her "problem" is that she is asexual. She was terrified to get into relationships because she knew it would eventually lead to sex which she didn't want. She did turn it around a bit in that she was dating someone for a good year or two... but they eventually broke up because of the sex thing. Now she dates here and there but I don't really think she wants a boyfriend because she doesn't want to work on her "problem".

 

I have on guy friend who is like you. About your age, no relationship experience and very little sexual experience. He's a great guy and women drop at his feet (and he doesn't see it). His "problem" (in my opinion) is that he is looking for the perfect person. He wants someone with a killer bod who will eat chocolate sundaes with him. Someone who does their hair and nails at the salon and loves camping. Someone who has a PHd and wants to be a stay at home mom. Someone super outgoing who prefers to stay home on a Friday night. MAYBE this woman exists... but she is one in a million and would likely be attracted to the perfect guy. Which he is not. He has kind of turned it around recently in that he is accepting dates with non-perfect people... but still... no relationships last more than 3 months as he finds another "problem" with them (we all have "problems")

 

I think you need to figure out what your sticking point is and go from there...

[anon_a_mouse]

thanks. Well by success I mean having a first long-ish (let's say a year) relationship..

[Ms Darcy]

My current boyfriend was 27 when we first started dating. He had never had a girlfriend before me, though he had been on a few dates here and there. I don't know everything he did in the process of looking for a girlfriend, but I can highlight a few things.

 

1. Getting his life together

I think it was helpful for him to focus on certain goals first like finishing school, getting a job, and moving before really pursuing a relationship (he went on dates here and there but I am referring to the committed relationship aspect).

 

2. Prioritization

He made getting a girlfriend a goal and a priority. So he went online, messaged people, went on dates, and followed-up as appropriate.

 

3. Personal development

My boyfriend can be shy and he had to work on this a little bit to feel comfortable getting out there and facing women.

 

4. Positive Attitude

Most importantly, he was never bitter with me. He has always had a really great attitude and never apologized for not having a girlfriend before. When he told me about it, it was just a matter-of-fact comment. I like that. It let's me know that he knows who he is, what he wants, where he is going -- all great traits in a partner.

 

------------

From Ms Darcy's boyfriend:

 

All of the above are all aspects of my life that I had to look at and focus on. I will just talk plainly about how my life was prior to meeting with Ms Darcy.

 

I've never dated during high school or college. I didn't go out on my first date until about 2 months after college. To be frank I asked women out during college and high school, but didn't get a date.

 

And although I did hang out with some on a regular basis at times, there was no explicit relationship. It was all platonic and in the realm of friendship. To be honest I never felt anything for them like I did when I was with Ms Darcy for the first few dates.

 

Maybe it was because when I was with Ms Darcy we both knew we were interested in finding someone to date and there wasn't any prior relationship masking our actions.

 

1. Getting his life together

I had to focus on my education even though I wasn't achieving everything I thought I would in college. But it was important to me to meet the challenges I set for myself. I have really enjoyed being on my own after college and having the freedom to do a lot of things that interest me like cooking, going on trips, and exploring the new city I live in. True at first it was hard dealing with feeling isolated, but that was only temporary as i looked for ways to fill up my social calendar.

 

2. Prioritization

Having a girlfriend has been a priority for me for so much of my life, that it can be hard having that in mind and waiting for whoever that person might be that you connect with. So part of prioritizing that goal is learning that it's not a sprint, it's as much learning about yourself as it is knowing what you want. What can you accept and what you cannot in a relationship and in a partner.

 

3. Personal development

I, like anyone else that is nervous and shy when it comes to social situations, had to put myself "out there" in terms of being social and striking up conversations. I am generally a fun person and like talking, but I was not sure about approaching certain people and/or what to say. Meeting up with friends, making friends, and going to social functions allowed me to practice those conversational skills. And by going to those social functions I could walk away with stories to tell and also network with others for further activities.

 

I, for one, don't drink and while I've been tipsy a bit, I have rarely taken a drink outside of my birthday. So I do not like being around people that feel like drinking is needed to have fun. I like people that are fun with doing volunteer work, going to museums, camping, etc.

 

4. Positive Attitude

I always had kept the hope that I would find someone even though there were bad times when doubt would get to me. I accepted a long, long time ago that I needed to accept when someone wasn't interested in me. They were just being true to their own feelings and I cannot project my own desires on them. So when I failed, cause face it not every guy is a magnet for every girl, I just learned from what my actions were and how I think I could improve on that.

[anon_a_mouse]

Thanks very much Ms Darcy and Ms Darcy's bf. That's very useful as I can relate. I'm naturally shy, and it's something that restricts my behaviour currently sometimes. So that's something I can work on. Also

"never apologized for not having a girlfriend before. When he told me about it, it was just a matter-of-fact comment".... I interpret that as your bf being comfortable in his own skin and that's something I need to work on too - learning to love myself for who I am-as if you don't - it can come accross that you don't and that's not really very attractive.

[Ms Darcy]

Ms Darcy's BF here again:

 

I would say that I didn't bring it up, Ms Darcy asked me during on 3rd date and I just answered honestly "yes". I think that comes from just feeling like telling the truth is better than masking how you truly feel.

 

I feel like I need to be comfortable talking about that since it is something that has had a big impact on me. So yes, be comfortable with who you are and where you are at in your dating experience. It's better to let the other person know what they are dealing with.

 

But I wouldn't worry about when to talk about it and just let the conversation happen naturally.

[Stay_home]

Anything in life that you want you have to be willing to put in work for. A relationship is a growing process, you are constantly growing within it and working to better yourself and to learn from one another.

[anon_a_mouse]

Ms Darcy's BF here again:

 

I would say that I didn't bring it up, Ms Darcy asked me during on 3rd date and I just answered honestly "yes". I think that comes from just feeling like telling the truth is better than masking how you truly feel.

 

I feel like I need to be comfortable talking about that since it is something that has had a big impact on me. So yes, be comfortable with who you are and where you are at in your dating experience. It's better to let the other person know what they are dealing with.

 

But I wouldn't worry about when to talk about it and just let the conversation happen naturally.

 

What question did you say yes to?

Thanks - that's good reassurance to know not to worry about it and let the conversations naturally flow.

[anon_a_mouse]

Has anyone else got experiences of going into a first long term relationship when 29+ ?