PLEASE HELP!!!!Feel like he is making me choose!!!!

[emirii_pooru]

I posted a topic a couple of days about how I feel about my boyfriend dad and him making me choose. Now I feel I am stuck. I found out that the apartment HE is going to be living in and where I will be staying does not allow dogs. He assumes I will just give her up, but I have had this dog for about 3 years, since she was a puppy.

I feel lost and not sure.mshould I just go back home and end a 2 year relationship I built with him. I mean so far I feel he has not fought for me at all. I sacrificed moving away from my family to be closer to him so we could have a relationship. It helped, but I can understand that after we move us getting our own places like his dad has said. Will be fine. I mean I moved 1,200 miles away from my family.

Yet, I am not undertanding why a man who is 29 years old a year away from 30. Wants to continue to let his dad tell him what he can and can't do in his life. He told me I need to learn how to be independent. Which I already know.

I am 24 now, yet I lost my mom at 14. By the time I was 20. I was living on my own and working to pay bills as well as go to school. I did go to college and live at home some, but did not live back at home till I was 22-23 or right before I moved up to where my boyfriend lived. I have been pretty independent. Working to by what I want, not having my family support me in everything. They may have helped me to where I am not sinking in debt. The only thing my family pays for to help me is my car insurance.

Now my boyfriend has a credit card his dad has given him. He lived at home while going to college like I did. He lived with some roommates to help with bills. And Even lived when he was back home for about 2-3 years before living on his own which he did for a year till I moved up to live with him. Now his dad wants him to live on his own and us to not live together anymore and teach me how to be independent. Yet, if my boyfriends job not going to be paying him much why would his dad want him to live on his own with rent, bills, and a car payment to pay. Which adding these things up, if he uses his money he would be in a hole without there help. So far he will have to pay a 659-700 in rent, about 120-200 in bills a 250 car note, and by food and gas. I added it up to be over 1,200 or I think. He dad wants him to save his money, but how the hell will he when he hays to pay all this crap.

While Irving together he has only had to pay about 850 of about a 1400 a month it cost to live where we live. Which on my part is Not to much, but we both have had hard times getting by being screwed over by our jobs

He told me the reason why his dad does not want us living together is to not enable me. Which I understand what it means. Yet, in the end he has not. I work 2 jobs to help pay bills along with have to put gas in my car every week to get to work which with gas prices as high as they are cost a lot of money every week. Which I spend about 120 a month on gas or maybe more. 465 in rent which leaves me with about 215 left over which leaves me with about 100 that has to last 2 weeks. No offense it is hard and I have lived on much less. I worked one job making 80 a week which going to school and work cost be 60 to feel my car for the whole week so I could work and go to school. Luckily have a grandfather who had slaughtered a cow. It help on ground beef, lasted me 1 1/2 years.

So far with everything going on. All I can do is cry. I am scared and feel like prolly what I am saying is stupid or dumb. Tell me if it is. I just need some help and advice to know what to do. Someone has told me if you feel how I am feeling right now your right where you need to be, I am praying every night to know what to do, I hate seeing my boyfriend try to say everything is going to be okay. When I have told him and told him I am scared for our relationship and for us. Yet, I feel like he does not care at all how I feel.

So please tell what you think.

[Hanz33]

would u give up your relationship for your dog? to me that sounds like a relationship not having anyway

[emirii_pooru]

To some people there dog is there best friendly guess you did not read about that. Heck not to be mean, but giving up my dog is saying go ahead and slit your wrists I don't care. I care about both of them, and even your saying give the dog up and get a new one later.

 

That is like giving up my best friend, and losing my mother all over again. Both of them would make me feel like that, even though anew man would be a little different. Giving a dog away is hard to do when your a animal lover and have relyed on your dog to keep you from depression. Which having a animal companion, works the same way. Some people need to medically have a dog to keep them from falling into major depression. Which I my self have her for that reason, because I have suffered loss at a young age, I have given up everything in my childhood for my mother and now. Giving away this dog is hard would be hard to do.l. I would fall dressage depression after the move and not the be same.... I am not bipolar or have clinical depression. My doctor who was also my psychiatrist told me that having a animal helps me to cope with the loss. Which I think not having a mom would be hard one anyone. If you don't know what that is like then don't judge.l. Cause I did state in my post I lost my mother at 14.

[SarahRose]

i am wondering why he chose a place with no input from you? do you currently live together?

[emirii_pooru]

i am wondering why he chose a place with no input from you? do you currently live together?

 

We do live together but have desperate rooms.

 

His dad had found him a place, even though I gave hisome information on one a lot cheaper. Just a little further away, but allowed pets. Yet, my input and feedback was not even thought about or cared about. Just like what happened last night.

 

I woke up crying because I guess I have been holding how I feel about everything inside. Last night went into his room and told him what happened. Evn told him how I felt. He seemed to care when he woke me this morning, but when he called me around lunch to see how I was feeling he asked if I was don't "whining and crying". Even said, "your worrying about nothing, just grow up".

 

It really hurt me when, cause I really am worried he really does not care at all. Even though he says he does. I told him I listen to him and care about what he has to say on how he feels.mbut when it comes to me I feel he hates it. Cause when I do, I am cry cause I am really hurting or confused. I mean I am a woman I have more emotions then a teaspoon. I try not to get upset and talk about it, but I feel it is like talking too a brick wall.

 

I really don't know what to do. End the relationship and go home to Texas. Or keep trying with a main who I feel still listens to his dad and takes his advice over what I say.

[kaibutsu]

Here's my advice. Pack up and leave and go be near your family. This guy is not worth your time nor your emotions. Imagine how he is going to be ten years from now. It's not so much the listening to his dad thing as much as it is how he treats and talks to you. If you choose to stay in the relationship, and I certainly imagine it would be a difficult decision to leave, you will eventually regret staying with him. Of this, I am one hundred percent sure. If nothing else, take back your dignity and don't let him treat you like you're some sort of child. Like I said in the last post. He is selfish and manipulative, but now he's arrogant on top of all the other stuff.

[SarahRose]

Ok I don't understand why if you are together that you have separate rooms?

 

I would listen to kaibutsu and take you dog and stuff and go back to Texas. This guy really doesn't seem to care much for you unless everything is his way.

[emirii_pooru]

Here's my advice. Pack up and leave and go be near your family. This guy is not worth your time nor your emotions. Imagine how he is going to be ten years from now. It's not so much the listening to his dad thing as much as it is how he treats and talks to you. If you choose to stay in the relationship, and I certainly imagine it would be a difficult decision to leave, you will eventually regret staying with him. Of this, I am one hundred percent sure. If nothing else, take back your dignity and don't let him treat you like you're some sort of child. Like I said in the last post. He is selfish and manipulative, but now he's arrogant on top of all the other stuff.

 

That is what I am thinking of doing. Was even told today after I got off work, was to go home and live down there for 6-9 months, then move up there. I asked him if he wanted that and he said no. I am thinking of doing it, and slowly ending the relationship and not coming out with it. Give myself time to grieve. We did get into a fight earlier during the day and it was horrible. A friend of ours told him that he should not listen just just the words someone is saying, but the tone.

 

I even told him that if I moved back down to Texas and stay there I would finish my schooling and if we did get married it would be when he was 33 and I was 28. Which did not make him happy either. It is like he knows what he wants, but his father is in the way of that and he does not see it. Even though I am telling him that what his dad is doing is just wrong. Who is saying that he feels ashamed of us living together and not married. Heck we are roommates that have separate rooms and don't even do anything physically. Cause we want to wait for marriage.

 

His dad said that he allowed me to live with his son to get a full time job and guess what even after working 2-3 jobs while living with his son. It still did not please him. I never got vacation nor went to go see my family. Mainly so I could please his father, since he was complaining about how I was not working. I had a good job down in Texas, but how the heck am I suppose to have a relationship with his son and not possibly have a good job when I move again to be with him. I know my luck with work where we are at was crap, no offenses the town sucks. Where we or he is moving to has 3-4 hospitals which will have many places for me to work in a facility and heck even McDonalds is hiring.

 

I told him give me enough time to get a job and move out. Then everything would be fine after that, but he said he has to talk his father into it. Even though he told him that having me live there was not a convenience, it helped him out with money. Also, saying that couples have job ups and downs and one may have to work harder for each other. To me it does seem he is getting it, but his father is not letting him grow up. It is driving me crazy and I want to end it. He wants to work through this and see's where it goes, which I told him I don't see much of it going anywhere if I do what his dad says.

 

I feel his dad is influencing him in everything and does not allow him to be a man. Hell I even told him that we were going to be like the scene from "she is having a baby" where her or his parents are in the bedroom telling them what to do. Scary as hell. I told him I loved him and not his father nor the money they make. I am trying to have a relationship with him and work a job at the same time.

 

We both have a lot to work on as a couple and I hate how he talks to me. The one thing I did leave out which I should have told you was that his partial lobe of his brain was semi damaged at birth. So some of the things a normal person would learn are not there. He is really good at working a job and very smart. Yet, his common sense is like off the radar. I mean he can't cook worth a flip and will spend about 250 a month on fast food. Also, not teaching himself to be more independent and being able to do things on his own. Like fixing things without buying new things and taking care of his stuff the right way. He does have problems being shown things and forgetting how to do it on his own later. I know his last girlfrinds may have seen this and the reason why I have not given up on him is because, I don;t think his own father knows how to handle what he does, so he tried to control his life in order to make sure his son is doing everything right.

 

I know I sound like I know how to handle him, but having family members that have had cerebral palsy, autism, and as well has mental disorders from a Uncle that married into the family. Which I do not have non of that. I also, work in the health field and deal with patients with Alzheimer, dementia, you learn how to talk the right way to them with out angering them, which his own father will do. I have seen it, which when I do the opposite of what his father does, which is be either straight forward or calm him down and how him without making a big fuss. Laughing it off as a aha moment. He gets it. Which I think his dad thinks I am trying to be overbearing or dominate him, but when you have delt with it and know what to do.. you get on the same level as them and be patient. The same as being a CNA it takes time.

 

kaibutsu you are givng me great advice and I can see where you are coming from. I do think ending it would be a good thing, but I am trying to look at it from both sides. Which is hard to do, when you have parents that are like that. Either he learns this now or lives with the biggest regret as well not just the both of us. he maybe 29 and still depending on his father, but if I did move and get a apartment on my own. It would make him see how easier it was as well as better for him in the long run. kinda teach him a lesson he needs to really learn. Been told it is rude to do, but if it is the only way to get the message accross go for it. I will take the advice you have given and remember and learn.

[kaibutsu]

It's not your responsibility to teach him social skills. He is not going to change while you are still there and still letting him behave him like he does. Maybe the separation would do him some good and maybe he will start to become cognizant of how he should act in a relationship. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

[BananaPeel]

I don't think moving out would be rude at all. I definitely think you should move out and make him show you that he's serious enough about you to live with you, before you move in together again. Insult his manhood. Tell him it's kind of sad that he can't do anything without his daddy's permission. Hit him hard.

[emirii_pooru]

I don't think moving out would be rude at all. I definitely think you should move out and make him show you that he's serious enough about you to live with you, before you move in together again. Insult his manhood. Tell him it's kind of sad that he can't do anything without his daddy's permission. Hit him hard.

 

 

I am going to if I am able to move with him, cause I told him I will make him learn the hard way. He will be out about 1,400 on his own when if I get one my own. I would live with a roommate and save the rest of my money. I mean he has to have daddy's permission to even go to his own 10 year high school reunion which he missed and 3 weddings he was invited too as well as his cousins funeral. * * * my parents would never tell me not to do something I wanted to do... i think it is sad, cause I guess I am the first woman in his life that really see's what if father is doing.l